Shinji wasn't expecting anyone to greet him when he returned to his apartment, but nevertheless he called, "I'm home!"
The small house only answered with silence. The boy sighed, sliding his backpack off of his shoulders and onto the ground next to the door. He slipped his shoes off, then headed into his bedroom.
Though it had only been two days since the last support group meeting, he already missed it. Though it brought him immense stress to open up to strangers, he enjoyed being around people who had dealt with some of the same issues as him. It was comforting to know that he wasn't alone in his struggle and that he had a steady support system, which was something he had never had in the past.
Shinji flopped down on his bed and plugged some headphones into his ears. He pressed down on the play button on his SDAT player and let his eyes close, taking a steadying breath as Bach played in his ears and filled his brain with numbing music.I hate this," he mumbled. He felt sick to his stomach as he remembered the terrible marks staining Kaworu's skin. The boy was so angelic that Shinji would have never believed that someone that so absolutely perfect would do something like that to themselves. Though Shinji had promised the other male not to hurt himself, the temptation was always there. If it had worked as a coping skill for Kaworu, maybe it would work for him.
Shinji stood, walking to the kitchen as if in a trance. His feet dragged on the ground as he approached the drawer underneath the microwave and slid if open. He fumbled through miscellaneous items such as pencils and spare eating utensils until he found it.
A box cutter.
It was long and thin, and the blade was sharp. It wasn't shiny, as it had no light to reflect since Shinji hadn't turned them on. He sunk to the floor, baring his wrist in front of him. The flesh was tan and unblemished, and Shinji suddenly thought of how smooth Kaworu's skin must have been before he started hurting himself. It was probably just as silky and pale as milk. It was such a shame that such a beautiful wrist had to go to waste.
"I'm sorry, Kaworu," said Shinji as he held the blade to his skin. A small prick of crimson welled up from underneath it and dripped down his arm, and he immediately panicked. He hurled the weapon across the room and examined his fresh wound.
It was only a small cut, and it seemed to only have barely scratched the surface of his flesh, but his head was still swimming with fear. His limbs shook violently as he attempted to stand, but to no prevail. He tumbled back to the ground again and crumpled in on himself, gasping for air as his throat closed in on itself. It felt like he was dying.
His body trembled as his lungs searched desperately for oxygen and his heart beat madly in his chest. He felt lightheaded and nauseous, and Shinji was sure he was going to faint. Warm tears spilled down his cheeks as he continued to suck in as much air as he possibly could.
Again, he tried to pull himself to his feet. Then, his eyes caught sight of the small splatter of blood on the floor and he felt his stomach lurch. Shinji gagged and heaved until nothing seemed to be left in his stomach, and he was still left shaking and sobbing. He needed to run—he needed to get away from here. The walls seemed to shrink in on him and everything was spinning as he finally managed to stand upright.
He wiped the bile from his mouth with trembling hands, stumbling over his own feet as he headed for the door.
All of a sudden, his phone rang.
This is absolutely the worst time someone could have called me, Shinji thought. However, he picked up his cellular device and answered it.
"H—Hello?" he stammered, his mouth feeling like it was full of balls of cotton.
"Shinji Ikari? It's me, Kaworu," said the familiar voice on the other line. Shinji sighed in relief, though it sounded more like a dry sob.
"Kaworu, I'm so glad it's you. I just—I couldn't—it—I—I did something—terrible," he blubbered between sobs and gasps. "I'm so sorry." He could hear Kaworu make a short humming noise before he spoke again.
"Shinji... Are you alright? Talk to me," the boy encouraged. His voice was gentle but full of fear and concern.
"No, I—I'm so, so sorry Kaworu. I promised," he replied.
"Where are you?" the boy asked. Shinji bit down on his bottom lip.
"My apartment," he managed to get out. The muffled sound of rustling clothes and static emitted from the speaker.
"I'll be right there. Give me your address," he insisted. Shinji sobbed again, shaking his head fiercely.
"No! No, you can't come over," he weeped into the phone. "You can't, I don't want you to—see me like this."
"It's alright, Shinji. No matter what you did or what you look like right now, I'm not going to judge you or be mad at you. I promise," Kaworu assured him. Shinji considered the offer for a few long minutes of silence only accompanied by heavy breathing and occasional whimpers and sobs.
"I'll text it to you," he said finally. "Great," the other male replied, the smile apparent in his voice. They both hung up, and Shinji texted Kaworu the address to his apartment.
What am I doing? he thought. He barely knew this boy, and now he was letting him into his home? But Shinji trusted Kaworu, because had never felt this way around someone. Though they had only met once, Shinji felt like he could tell Kaworu anything. He felt like he could laugh and cry with him and be with him all the time. Was that a odd thing to feel about a stranger?
Shinji shut himself off in his room until he heard a soft knock at the door. For some reason that seemed very like Kaworu to knock so gently.
He opened the door, staring at his feet as his heart fluttered like a butterfly struggling to free itself from a spider's web. Soundlessly, Kaworu shut the door behind himself and advanced to wrap the other male in a tight hug.
Shinji gasped, his muscles tensed and poised to run. It took him a few moments, but when his mind had finally processed the situation, he relaxed. He buried his face in the fabric of Kaworu's shirt and tried to hide the fact that his shoulders were shaking.
He didn't know how long they stayed together like that—Kaworu holding the smaller boy in his arms and Shinji clinging to him like his life—no, his sanity—depended on it. Shinji cried until his throat was burning and raw and his legs could no longer support his own weight. Kaworu practically had to drag Shinji to wash him up and bring him back to bed when they had finally broken their embrace.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Kaworu asked as he sat on the edge of Shinji's bed. The other boy was sitting next to him with his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin resting on his knees.
"I hurt myself," Shinji said, but no words came out. He cleared his throat and tried again.
"I hurt myself," he mumbled.
Quiet.
"May I see?"
Shinji nodded, his blue eyes tired and full of fear. He was exhausted both physically and mentally, and he had no energy to deny any request of Kaworu's. He held his arm out with his wrist facing upwards.
"Oh, Shinji," the white-haired male breathed, gingerly cradling the other boy's arm in his hands.
"Shinji..." He ran the tips of his fingers lightly over the wound. It was so small, so insignificant—just like Shinji—but Kaworu treated it as if it was the only thing in the world that was deserving of his attention at the moment.
Then, to Shinji's surprise, Kaworu raised his wrist up to his lips and kissed his injury. It was very gentle, very cautious, just like Kaworu himself.
"Kaworu," Shinji choked out. His breath hitched in his chest as he tried desperately to keep hold of what little composure he was sustaining.
"I'm sorry this had to happen," Kaworu whispered when he straightened. Melancholic crimson eyes met hollow sapphire ones as they looked at each other.
Then Kaworu was leaning forward and Shinji was panicking and suddenly someone's lips were touching someone else's. Everything was moving so fast but at the same time so slowly, oh, so very slowly. Shinji's felt warm all over and suddenly he could breathe again. The room went black as he closed his eyes and leaned in, deepening their physical contact.
Kaworu pulled away, and Shinji felt like a piece of his heart had just been carved out of his chest. He felt empty and lonely.
"What... What was that?" he inquired quietly. Kaworu smiled, his eyes dancing like warm tongues of fire.
"A kiss," answered the other male, smiling gently. Shinji swallowed hard and shook his head, his throat becoming dry again.
"I'm—I'm sorry, Kaworu, but I can't do this." He moved away from Kaworu and shook his head very slowly. "I can't kiss you." Thought it physically pained him to say it, doing something like that was too much for him.
"Oh."
The pale boy's smile wavered, but never left his lips. His beautiful... Enticing... Lips.
"Oh, I'm sorry—I thought—sorry." He laughed, though it sounded very uncomfortable. Kaworu stood quickly.
"I should probably be going now," he said. Shinji nodded silently.
"Probably," he murmured. Kaworu laughed again, bowing his head in apology.
"Again, I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding. I was under the impression that... Well, it doesn't really matter now. I hope you can forgive me."
And with that, Shinji was left all alone.
Again.
