Three days into the trip and I still hadn't fixed my sleeping schedule. It was four AM and I was sitting up in my bed, wide awake. I had no entertaining games on my phone and, besides, I didn't want to keep myself even more awake with the light of my phone. Music would keep me awake as well, unless I was playing the piano, which I obviously didn't have with me.
"Hng, please," I heard a voice beg. I froze. Whose voice was that? In what context should I take it? What if that was Lachlan and Natalie?
I had no clue why I did it, but I tried to find the source of the noise. As I listened more closely, I realized that there was just plain moaning mixed in with whispering. That made my heart sink. What if I found Lachlan and Natalie, seconds away from fucking each other? How would I react? No. I had to check. I had to make sure that it wasn't them. I had to.
Eventually, I found myself downstairs, about to turn the corner into the living room. Whoever was making the noise had to be there, presumably on the couch or something. I was scared, angry, stressed; a lot of things. Before I could think anymore, I took a quiet step into the room.
There stood Preston and Rob. From what I immediately saw, I noticed that Rob had Preston pinned to the wall, they were making out, and there were bulges in both of their pants. That could possibly mean that Rob liked Preston back.
"What the fuck?!" I blurted. Both of them froze and slowly turned towards me.
"Vik?" Preston mumbled. I took a step backwards.
"Um… We can explain-" Rob started, unsure of himself. I didn't let him finish, as I bolted back upstairs. I was definitely playing up to my role. I wasn't necessarily emotionally hurt by two of my closest friends about to have sex, I was just traumatized.
I found myself staring at the door that leads into Lachlan and Natalie's room. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep what I saw a secret, so I might as well tell Lachlan as if I had a broken heart, right? I probably shouldn't. I was just so confused. How was I supposed to react to what just happened? I knocked on the door.
"Vik?" Natalie questioned, after answering the door. For some reason, I had expected Lachlan to answer the door and I froze. There was no reason for me to be surprised, considering it was their room. Not just Lachlan's.
"Hey, Natalie," I mumbled, awkwardly.
"Looking for Lachlan, right?" she asked. I nodded. "He just went to the bathroom. Um... You can wait here, if you want. Or I could send him to your room when he comes back. Whatever you prefer."
"Erm... I'll be in my room," I said under my breath, rushing back to my room.
A huge part of me was relieved that it easy Lachlan and Natalie. I had no clue what I would do if it was. It was hard enough to accept that they were a couple, never mind sexually active with each other. The thought made me physically sick.
I probably sounded so emotionless, the way I talked about sex. To me, the idea of it was pointless. I didn't see it as something emotional, either good or bad. Sex existed for reproduction and nothing more. People merely made it that way. It was nothing more than fucking. Then again, who would listen to a virgin?
"Vik? You okay?" Lachlan whispered as he pushed the door open. I took a deep breath and shook my head. "What happened?"
"Uh... Preston- he- erm," I stuttered. I didn't know how to put what happened into words.
"Preston? What about Preston?" he demanded, rushing over to sit down next to me. I took another deep breath.
"I saw Preston and Rob making out," I said as quickly as I could. His eyes widened.
"What?!" he whisper-shouted. "Holy shit, holy shit... Are you okay? What am I saying? Of course you're not okay. Geez, that's a weird thing to think to think about. Are you sure that's what was happening?"
"Slow down, Lachlan," I suggested. He tended to forget to breath when he was excited or worried. "And yes, I'm one hundred percent sure that they were making out. Rob had Preston pinned to the wall... and they were moaning... and..." I gave a loud, annoyed groan and turned around to faceplant into pillows.
"What're you going to do? I'm going to say that it's safe to assume that Preston wasn't... raping Rob, considering you said that it was Rob who had pinned Preston. I'm sure at this point they probably know that they like each other, unless one of them is drunk or something..." he pointed out. I shrugged, my face still in the pillow. The bed moved around as he shifted in his place.
"What can I even do? If they like each other, and being together makes them happy, who am I to stop them? Isn't that what love is about? Making sure the one you love is happy, even though you might not be?" I replied, my voice muffled by the pillow. I felt my eyes sting. Verbally explaining how I felt about Lachlan was one thing, indirectly telling those feelings to Lachlan himself was another.
"I mean... I guess you're right. I can understand where you're coming from, but what about you? Surely, if he deserves happiness, so do you. All of the pain... it can't be for nothing," he reasoned. I flipped over to wipe my eyes, and there I saw Lachlan, laying on the bed, inches away from me. I could feel my cheeks heat up and my heart start to race.
"I don't know... It's beginning to feel like it's all for nothing," I breathed, rubbing my eye with my hand like a little kid.
"No, Vik. Please don't cry," he whispered, running his thumb over my cheek. I flinched away from his hand. "Love isn't worth crying over."
"Says you, the one with a girlfriend, the one who has dated other people," I grumbled, my shoulders slumping. "One serious relationship. The one serious relationship I've ever been in proved that there's no reason not to cry over love." There was one other person I had ever romantically loved, one other person who knew I was gay besides my parents and Lachlan. I was in love, and my mom had always teased me about it because she could tell how head over heels I was with him. I was crushed when we broke up, but that was nothing compared to now.
"I'm sure that was different. Losing what you had is different from... never being able to reach what's so close. I can't tell which is worse, though..." he attempted to cheer me up. Even the cheerful Lachlan couldn't be positive.
"This is worse. My life, right now, is nothing compared to then. I simply fell, then. You fall, you get pushed down, but you can always pick yourself up. Sometimes you can't do it alone, but it's still possible. But now... now, I'm unraveling. I'm truly falling apart. I'm breaking myself beyond repair, and I can't stop myself," I explained, looking him dead in the eye. I turned back to face the wall.
I found myself recalling all of the extremes Lachlan had unintentionally put me through. At first, I strongly denied that I was beginning to like a close friend as more than a friend. Once I accepted it, I went through a brief stage of hope that we could become a thing. I quickly realized how unrealistic that was. Depression sunk in very quickly. Everything turned flat until he told me he had a girlfriend. I felt hopeless, insignificant. When they broke up, I was almost happy, but I felt horrible for feeling happy and for what Lachlan must have been going through. Everything fell flat again. He told me he had gotten another girlfriend in what I found the worst way possible, and I was even more hopeless than before. Then, I see him writing about me. I still hadn't gotten over it. I took his words straight to heart.
"We might as well fall apart together..." he whispered. What was he talking about?
"What?" I questioned, rolling my head to look at him. His eyes widened for a split second, but then he blinked a few times and suddenly he was calm again.
"Nothing, just thinking out loud," he lied. I honestly couldn't tell he was lying besides the fact that what he had just said obviously wasn't nothing. That scared me. It was silent for a little bit.
"Lachlan?" I asked. He hummed. "A few days ago, you were writing in a notebook or something. Rob tried to take it, and you completely freaked out. What was that all about?"
"That was… personal stuff. Things I'm not... ready to talk about just yet," he replied, cautiously. I felt a frown form on my lips and tears prick at my eyes again.
"Oh… you can tell me anything. Tell me when you're ready?" I said for a lack of better words. He just nodded and turned away from me.
My mind was screaming against what I just said. From what I knew about Lachlan, he would avoid hurting people with the truth at all costs, but there was a certain point when he realized that he might just be hurting them more by lying. He and Jerome got into a lot of arguments, whether just a joke or seriously, and they sometimes had a hard time getting along. Lachlan tried to bring the topic up to Jerome, but he was so scared of somehow hurting Jerome. I was terrified. Words on a screen or paper were different than when they were said verbally.
"A few hours ago, I was recording," he started, still looking away from me. "Jerome told me that I had a way of making people side with me, even when he was the victim. Honestly, I don't think he was joking. I know it's not a big deal, but… is that true?"
"I don't know... " I mumbled. It was a really random topic, but he seemed to really be affected by it. "I don't think that's true. To be fair, we always pick on you… That's one of the big reasons people side with you. Because we're douchebags." He shrugged.
"I guess…" he sighed. He turned back towards me and frowned. "Mitch said he wanted to got out for dinner, didn't he? With just the Pack?"
"Yeah. I don't see the point. I don't like eating out much, and someone's going to have to pay for the mean and- it's just not worth it," I answered.
"It's going to be really awkward, isn't it? What with… Rob and - erm - Preston…" he brought up. I could tell that he had a hard time saying Preston's name around me. I truly could care less, but I knew he was only worried about my made up affection for Preston. It was sweet.
"Yup, can't wait," I breathed, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
Dinner was going to be horrible.
((A/N: Sorry it's a bit of a shorter chappie. This is a bit out of place, but... My friend and I want to make something a real thing, we want to get the news spread. We need to create a group to raise awareness. Some keks are being treated equally. Message me, tweet me, or comment "#KekEquality2015" to join.))
