"That is the most horrible idea I've ever heard!" boomed Frieza's voice from Mr. Plate's office. "You're lucky that monkey has promised to keep an eye on you. But be warned; the second there is anything to stop me from vaporizing you, you're vapor. Got it?"
"You really should stop being so short with your superior," said Mr. Plate. "Now, if we were on an intergalactic slave trade vessel or whatever the hell you do, I'd be inclined to take your advice. But we are dealing with a film and, as you've probably never even seen a movie that wasn't made in Hollywood, I am clearly the expert here. However, if you would rather your homosexuality be portrayed as implicit rather than explicit, we can find a way to work around that."
Frieza screamed again, and the door exploded off the hinges.
"I really hate that Monkey," he mumbled under his breath as he floated out. I tried not to make eye contact as I walked past.
"What does Frieza's sexuality have to do with anything?" I asked.
"If Frieza's gay, then people will know why he's evil!" said Mr. Plate.
"Oh my God!"
"That's not what I meant," he practically shouted. "But the smarter members of the audience will realize that he was driven to evil by his society's intolerance towards homosexuality. That way, he'll be a more three-dimensional villain."
I knew that he could probably name about thirty films that he'd claim argued that, but I wasn't in the mood to discuss it. "What have you done to my character?" I said. "I'm such a monster!"
"We need to make Vegeta look better," said Mr. Plate. "And you worse."
"Why?" I said. "Is everything being two-dimensional really that much more realistic? Isn't that why you kicked Goku out of the film?"
Mr. Plate scratched his chin. "How do you feel about rape?"
"No."
"Come on! You don't have to have real sex, if that's what's bothering you. We could just film you grabbing Bulma, then send in a stunt p—"
"You are not portraying me as a rapist in this film."
"Well, okay," said Mr. Plate through a thick layer of disappointment. "What about an attempted…"
"Absolutely not," I repeated.
"Well, could you at least slap…"
"Hell no," I said. "I am not going to act like Frieza in this movie."
"Well, you're sure not going to act like some saint," said Mr. Plate, then he just stared at me. You ever see that video of Chaotzu at the 22nd Tenkaichi Budokai? Where he just stares at Kuririn, and the latter couldn't move or hit his opponent until distracting him with a math question? Well, I'll give you a hint at what happened here: Mr. Plate was not Chaotzu, and there was no math involved.
Mr. Plate landed in the waiting room. A surprised-looking Goku helped the director to his feet.
"But you have to do as I say!" he shouted. "I told the dragon to make you help!"
"I'm too strong for Shen Long to make me do anything," I responded. The truth is that I still wanted to help, but I had a much stronger desire to not look like a piece of scum on film.
"But you have to!" said Mr. Plate. "If you don't rape Bulma in this movie, then some sickos are going to feel sorry for you!"
"I don't know what this 'rape' thing is," said Goku, "but it sounds pretty bad, and Yamcha is not a bad person."
"You monkeys aren't listening to me," said the Director. "This film will be mature and deep."
And Goku looked mad. Now, Goku's usually a pretty laid back guy. He doesn't get mad when fighting, or when getting beaten up, or… well, anything that makes most of us mad. When he does get angry, though, everyone takes notice. It's not that he's a mean mad, mind you, but his anger is so rare that, when it appears, you feel like you've just seen the Loch Ness Monster eat Bigfoot. It's that unsettling.
Now, the last time Goku got angry over me was when Tenshinhan broke my leg and, as memory serves me, Goku got over that pretty quickly. This time, however, Goku turned into a Super Saiyan and teleported away. I glanced at Mr. Plate, half looking forward to whatever was about to happen. At the moment, the director seemed completely disinterested in what had happened. He was probably just happy that one of his meetings had been cancelled and that he could get more "work" done.
Then all my dreams came true when Goku reappeared, holding Frieza.
Mr. Plate swore extremely loudly and dove behind an upturned table. Of course, I knew that Goku wasn't going to let Frieza do anything, but it was fun to watch Mr. Plate squirm.
"We seem to be having a disagreement over the script's portrayal of Yamcha," Goku told Frieza. "I might have to leave the project in protest and, if that happens, you'll have to go back to Hell."
"What?" said Frieza, his ki flaring. "That's not fair!"
"I know," said Goku, "but you haven't had time to reform yet, and I can't leave you running around."
Frieza turned to glare at Mr. Plate. "Well, if I'll be dying, anyway, I won't have any reason to keep this worm alive, will I?"
"Gee, that's a problem," said Goku. "I could stop you pretty quickly, but not that quickly."
Goku could have found a way to save Mr. Plate if he needed to, and anyone with half a brain that had known Goku for more than five minutes could have seen that this was an empty threat.
"No! Don't quit!" cried Mr. Plate. "I won't make Yamcha into a rapist or anything! In fact, I'll remove him from the movie! I'll give Bulma an unseen, anonymous boyfriend instead! Is that okay?"
"Sure," I said stupidly.
The bad news is that I was still dating Bulma, so I had to attend her shoots. The first scene I went to was at the Briefs' residence. Vegeta was inside the Gravity Chamber, training his tail off. The camera crew was recording him from outside.
Then Bulma showed up, carrying a tray of lemonade, and knocked on the door of the chamber.
"Not until you've had something to drink!" she said. I suppose the Gravity Chamber would destroy any microphones that were put inside, so Vegeta's dialogue was recorded separately.
"But if you don't, you'll die!" she said.
Then Vegeta stepped out to have a drink of lemonade.
"Isn't that better?" said Bulma.
"No," said Vegeta. "I hate having to stop. If I don't keep training, then I won't be able to achieve Super Sayian, and then… then Frieza might hurt you."
"You're doing this for me?" said Bulma, wiping away the drops of water that a grip had dripped under her eyes while the camera wasn't looking.
"Well, I'm certainly not doing this for myself," responded Vegeta.
He then went back into the Gravity Room to train.
Then the scene changed. Vegeta the Actor refused to leave his high-density chamber, so the crew had to move out into the desert and film their next scene while they waited for him to finish training. By the time I arrived, Mr. Plate was in a screaming match with Piccolo.
"Absolutely not," said Piccolo. "Not after what he did to Namek."
"But if the Demon King works for Frieza, think of how much scarier Frieza himself will be!"
"And how is that more accurate?"
"The Demon King will be a metaphor for that Radditz character. We need the audience to feel the same fear you felt when you saw Frieza, and knew how strong he was. If you play the henchman, the audience will feel what you felt."
"If you really want to believe that those are your motivations, fine," said Piccolo. "But I'm off the project."
Mr. Plate grabbed and tugged on Piccolo's cape. "But you can't leave! Who will play Frieza's henchman?"
"If you're so desperate for a henchman, why don't you just resurrect Ginyu?" said Piccolo before yanking his cape out of the director's hand and flying away.
Fortunately, Mr. Plate's key grip had used the Dragon Balls to learn how to talk to frogs, so it wasn't long before we tracked down Ginyu himself and put him back in his old body.
"I have two demands," said Ginyu, "The first is that I get to do poses, and the second is that you'll find me back-up posers."
"I like the way you think!" said Mr. Plate. I think he was just happy to find something incredibly stupid that was real enough to let him make some claim of historical truth.
Shooting resumed the next day, when Ginyu was joined by an elite troop of handsome young dancers. Ginyu had taken his time to teach each one the proper pose, based off their height and physical build. A bit of makeup was applied, and Ginyu had his Force.
And Frieza continued filming.
The next shot was of five space pods landing. Frieza didn't have one, having apparently flown himself.
Then Goku flew down to meet them.
"Get off my planet," said Goku.
"Well, well," said Frieza. "The boy doesn't want to share his toy. Ginyu, could you take care of him?"
"No problem!" trumpeted Ginyu, who slipped immediately into his famous pose with the help of his synchronized backup. "Prepare for the power of the Ginyu Force!"
So Goku began to stretch his muscles. "It's been a while since I've fought, but I think I can win this." He sounded really cocky when he said it, too. It took 27 takes and an offer of food before he didn't just sound like Goku.
"Don't get too cocky," said Ginyu. "I'm one of the strongest fighters in the uni—" But he was cut off when he tripped and fell.
"Only one of?" said Goku, smirking and charging his ki.
Then Goku and Ginyu fought. Of course, Goku was about ten times stronger than Ginyu at that point, so he had to hold back most of his power. The resulting fight came across as incredibly half-assed. Ginyu was fighting his hardest and clearing tiring himself out while repeatedly punching Goku in all punchable body parts. Goku, meanwhile, was rolling with Ginyu's punches. His own were held just a little too long before they were thrown, considering he was a professional martial artist, and, ultimately, anyone that knew how to fight could see that Goku was trying his hardest to miss. Ginyu dodged each of Goku's punches, but he seemed to hurt himself more just by hitting him. When the fight was over, Ginyu looked more exhausted than the "corpse" before him. This is only visible in one shot, though; when the camera was back on Ginyu later, he looked to be back in perfect health, and his knuckles were no longer bleeding. For once, I wished there were no such thing as Senzu beans.
"That's what you get when you go up against Frieza!" And Captain Ginyu posed again, his cheerleaders posing behind him. The camera paned back and 'ominous music' played as Goku's beaten body moved into view, now sharing the frame with Ginyu and that ridiculous pose.
Cut to the Briefs' house. Kuririn descends from the sky, tears pouring down his face and off his plastic nose.
"Goku's dead," he said, after several shots of scared faces.
"Noooooo!" shouted Bulma. "Not Goku."
"This Goku… was he a very close friend?" asked Vegeta.
"He was my best friend," said Bulma. "He had been since we were kids. Whenever I got into a fight with my boyfriend, Goku was there to comfort me. I've always felt that he was the reason my boyfriend never really hurt me. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without him."
Then Vegeta reached over to hold Bulma in his arms. She reached over and began to hug him back. From my position, I thought I saw her blush again, but then I realized that all this Bulma blushing on Vegeta stuff had to be my imagination. Not even Bulma would lust after someone that had killed her boyfriend just two years ago.
"I don't want to lose you, too," she said, as if losing her best friend was just a preamble to losing this rugged, handsome stranger.
"I don't want to lose you, either," said Vegeta. "That's why I'll make certain you're perfectly safe."
Then we're treated to an aerial shot, followed by a montage of Vegeta training. Throughout this, we keep getting close-ups of his hair sparkling, clearly intended to indicate that he's close to going Super Saiyan, but hasn't reached it yet.
Unfortunately, the 99 of the audience that didn't even know what a Super Saiyan was before stepping into the theater will have no idea what that hair thing signifies.
Once the montage is done, we see Ginyu land outside the gravity chamber.
"Oh Veggie! Come out come out wherever you are!"
So, slowly, the chamber door opens. And, slowly, Vegeta walks out. The two of them just stand there, staring at each other for, like, five minutes as the plot progresses slowly… I mean, sure, this is how people fight in real life, but I sure the hell wouldn't want to watch people doing it for entertainment!
"I seem to recall almost killing you last time," said Ginyu. "What makes you think you'll win now?"
"I don't think," said Vegeta.
Then another fight broke out. This one was much better than the first, insofar as the guy that got tired and started bleeding was actually the guy that ended up losing the fight. It was 'pretty close,' and both sides landed their share of hits. Vegeta usually reeled after getting punched, which would make it look like he felt the blows, but there's something about Ginyu himself flying about a quarter-mile every time he got punched that made the whole thing seem sorta one-sided.
Ultimately, Vegeta triumphed, and ended the fight by ramming his arm up to his elbow through Ginyu's chest. He improvised that on the spot, and it delighted Mr. Plate, who felt that scene alone could sell the movie. "And most people would assume we just used really good special effects, too!" he shouted.
Once Ginyu's body was buried and filming continued, we heard Bulma scream. Vegeta arrived back at the Breifs' house (!?) just in time to see her being taken away by Frieza.
"If you want to see her again, you'll have to meet me outside the library!" shouted Frieza. "If you don't show up, the girl dies."
"Friezaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" shouted Vegeta.
That's when we began to wrap up filming for the day. Bulma immediately approached Vegeta to 'compliment' him on his 'work.'
"You know, you're a pretty good actor."
Vegeta just snorted. "Don't insult me with your fake complements."
"It's not a fake complement," said Bulma. "I really thought you were a good actor!"
Vegeta just laughed. "Well, don't think this is the start of a career. I'm only doing this because it will give me a chance to fight Frieza."
"Well, fine!" shouted Bulma. "If you want me to say you're a crappy actor, I'll say it. You stink."
And, as Vegeta flew off, I was hit with the most insulting realization of my life: Bulma loved Vegeta.
Okay, I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with Bulma never really went anywhere. I probably should have broken up with her when I was still in my teens; hanging on to her until now was stupid. Nevertheless, I'd tried to be a good boyfriend during those years, and realizing that I had been usurped by someone that had actually killed me only a few years ago was infuriating.
He murdered me, for Kami's sake! How repulsive must I have been to attract less affection than a murderer?
"You're not that bad, Yamcha," Puar said consolingly. "Bulma's always gone after every good-looking guy she could, even when you first started dating."
"I know that," I said. "But it still hurts. And I feel like I wasted my life with her."
"Well, did you enjoy the time you spent with her?"
I thought about it. "No."
"Oh. Well, maybe you did waste your life."
This was not encouraging, so I decided to seek help from my friends.
Then I realized that none of my friends' massive strengths lied in their social skills. Who could help me on this? Tenshinhan? No, he was kinda a loner, so he probably couldn't give any insight on relationships. Chaozu? Well, Tenshinhan is the closest he's ever had to a romantic relationship, and… yeah, I don't want to think about that. I tried talking to Goku—Goku's married, isn't he?—but he just told me that if I promised to spend the rest of my life with her, I'd have to, and when I said that I had made no such promise, he asked what the problem was. What about Kami? Ha! What a stupid thing to bother a God with. Then I thought about asking Kuririn, who was the most normal of my friends.
"Kuririn," I said, "I'm beginning to think that I should leave Bulma."
I didn't love Bulma. I thought I did, but I didn't. Perhaps I only stayed with her as long as I did because, until I met her, I could never so much as look at a girl and, on some deep, psychological level, I worried that it would take me another 16 years to find anyone else. Perhaps I had even convinced myself that Bulma was the only one who would have me.
That's what Mr. Popo suggested, at least.
"Really?" said Kuririn. "Just now, huh? Funny—she's threatened to leave you often enough."
"And she's at it again," I said.
"No kidding. Who is it this time? Vegeta?" And he laughed at his own unintentionally ironic wit, but something about my face made him stop. "Wow! Vegeta? Really? Geez. This is nuts. I mean… it would be like me falling in love with one of the androids." Okay, he didn't really say that. But it would be funny if he did. (Sorry, inside joke.)
"What should I do?" I asked.
"Well, I'd say you should leave her," said Kuririn. "You shouldn't worry about hurting her feelings. At this point, I honestly think she'd just be mad that she couldn't dump you first."
"I would," I said, "but what about Vegeta?"
Kuririn's face made him look like he had just caught his toe in a bear trap. "Jeez, you're right. If she loses you, she might run off into Vegeta's arms!"
"She'd probably even feel like I was the bad guy, and Vegeta some kind of white knight. And what would Vegeta do to her?" I don't love Bulma, but I don't want her to die. Despite what Mr. Plate wants you to believe, I'm not a monster.
"Well, I don't know what to do," said Kuririn. "I mean, you could try talking to her, but what are the chances that would work? Bulma tends to get clouds in the brain when cute boys are involved. She's like Goku when he's with strong opponents."
"You don't think Vegeta would hurt her, do you?"
"If she annoys him enough, sure."
"Oh God, she's dead."
"Did you try asking Kamesenin for advice?"
I wasn't sure Kamesenin would be the right person to ask about the more emotional aspects of love. After all, this is a man who assumed that Sleepless in Seattle was a porno because, "Well, why else wouldn't he get any sleep that night?" Even so, he was a smart man, so I figured it was worth a try.
"Well, that is a pickle," he said, after hearing my story. "But let me ask you this much: do you think that Bulma is going to stay away from Vegeta if you don't break up with her?"
"Well… maybe if I tried harder to…"
Kamesenin raised his eyebrows. "I don't think a relationship is that easy to fake. If you try too hard, you're going to seem needy and drive Bulma towards Vegeta anyway. I'd suggest you just try talking to her."
"She won't listen."
"Probably not, no. But it's not like there's anything else you can do. Besides, I don't think you're as worried about Bulma as you claim."
"What are you talking about? Of course I don't want her to get killed!"
"Vegeta's been on Earth for a year, and he hasn't hurt anyone yet."
"But he killed me!"
"But not recently. Like Piccolo, or Tenshinhan, or Gyumao, or even you, Vegeta has seen the error of his ways. He's not a bad man anymore. Apathetic, perhaps, but he doesn't kill people, at least not without a lot more motivation than Bulma is going to offer. I can assure you that, if Vegeta were going to kill her, he'd have done so by now.
"I don't think Vegeta's sorry for anything he did, though. I regret all the people I hurt when I was a bandit."
"Ah. Just as I thought."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I said you weren't concerned about Bulma, and I was right. You know she's not in any danger, but you're offended that she'd choose someone as horrible as Vegeta over you. You're upset about her morality, not her mortality. Hey! That was pretty clever."
Wow. I think he was actually right on that. "So you're saying I'm wrong?"
"Of course not. What Bulma's doing is disgusting, and it proves beyond all doubt that she has horrible taste in men. It's just not dangerous, is all."
I nodded, yet as I walked out of the Kame House, I somehow felt even worse than before. And to think that Bulma used to act like I was the unfaithful one in this relationship! How dare she act like I'm the bad guy? Hell, I'm surprised she hasn't slept with Frieza yet.
And that's assuming she hasn't.
What was it that I had seen in her anyway? Her looks. Yes, she is a brilliant scientist, but it's not like I've ever gotten an interesting conversation out of her, unless you think my countless flaws make for a stimulating topic. And her personality? Again, I rarely get to see anything but the worst from her. All things considered, I could have probably dated a dummy with her face and got the same benefit.
On my way out of the Kame House, I accidentally bumped into Maron, Kuririn's ex-girlfriend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "I was looking for Kuririn. Is he here?"
"Sorry," I said.
"Oh, that's too bad," she said. "Say… you must be Yamcha. Kuririn told me you're almost as strong as him. Is that true?" Then she winked at me.
Please don't hate me for what I did that night.
