Wendela400: Thanks! Here's the next chapter.

DollFace080: I'm glad you like it :)

MsPadfootVerona: Yeah, can you imagine that happening to yourself… By the way, I can totally relate. I'm a movie-sobber myself. Okay, that's a really weird translation of a word my friends invented, but you get the idea, right?

Aha, I see what you mean, about Tom Cruise. But actually, when you said – wrote – it, I imagined him with long hair, and he wouldn't be such a bad Sirius, although he doesn't match my imaginative Sirius. I have the same thing. Hagrid, McGonagall, Snape, Mr. & Mrs. Weasley; their actors have replaced my mental images – and Harry, Ron and Hermione are somewhat of a mix – but the other characters have not. Lupin was way different from what I'd imagined. And they definitely should have explained the Marauders better!

Darklady5289: Thank you! It was a lot of fun to write :D

Messr-Paddifoots-love: I wouldn't dare stop writing LOL. I'm nowhere near finished, so no worries yet ;) Thanks and I hope you like the next chapter.

Hpandfriendsruletheworld: Glad you liked it :D She's in the Order, yes. Here's the update, I hope you enjoy it!

Lacatamar: Thanks! No, the names are from the Order of the Phoenix, when Moody shows Harry that old picture. Professor Morton is mine, though. Here's the next chapter.

PotentialTempest: ah, well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, right?


Happy endings vs. Reality

The people present in the room immediately started talking.

"Hold on," Frank Longbottom began, after listening to the talk for a while. He raised his voice above the murmur of the others. "Sirius, are you saying that you and Carden have had a relationship for the past year?"

"Basically, yes," Sirius replied dryly.

"And no one knew?" Frank continued, a little bewildered.

"We knew," Remus said.

"Lana knew," I added.

Frank tilted his head to one side. "And Lana kept her mouth shut?" he asked incredulously.

I gave him a wry smile. "You're mistaking her for Narcissa. She's the blabbermouth." Raising an eyebrow, I added, "And she held true to her reputation."

"Sorry," Frank mumbled.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Let's begin, shall we?" Dumbledore chaired the meeting, explaining the activities of the Order to me in the process. Several members worked in the Ministry and passed information on to the Order to keep it fully up to date. It's most important task, however, was trying to protect people from Death Eater attacks. Members guarded the houses of those who were marked for death and tried to prevent attacks in the first place, which was a difficult matter I realised, as I looked at the grave faces around me.

Frustrated, Benjy spat out that they could not get any inside information from Voldemort's circles. His most important Death Eaters rather fought themselves to death than risk being caught. They had their suspicions as to who were Death Eaters, but the only way to know for sure was to catch one. And that proved to be immensely difficult.

After the meeting a few members lingered to talk. Remus walked to the window and stared outside. I hesitated at first, but got up and joined him. We looked upon the busy street in silence for a while.

"Remus…" My voice could barely be heard over the noise in the room. I looked up at him. "I'm so sorry."

Remus gave me a strained smile. It was painful to watch. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Was she -- was Zarah in the Order too?"

"Yes. I brought her in," Remus answered. There was a tense note to his hoarse voice. "After the graduation ball we started dating. When Dumbledore invited me into the Order, I took her with me. She was a Muggleborn, you know. Four weeks later she was dead."

It hit me when I watched the pain and sadness in his eyes. Guilt. Remus felt guilty about Zarah's death.

"You're not the one that should feel guilty," I said.

Remus shot me a sharp look. "Nor should you," he retorted.

I looked out of the window again. "I think…" I began, "I think my brother and Evan may have been…"

"Stop it," Remus snapped. "You are not responsible for their actions."

"And you are not responsible for Zarah's choices," I snapped back.

Remus stared at me with narrowed eyes, jaw clenched, looking as if he were ready to start a row, but then he blinked and looked out of the window. We were quiet again.

"I have been wondering why I didn't realise what was going on," he said and glanced at me. "There was something about you at the ball that seemed… off. Though, later on you seemed perfectly fine again. I don't know what you said to Sirius that day, but you got to him. I had never seen him like that."

"I said horrible things," I mumbled.

"I could not get through to him that maybe he should talk to you. He was so furious it sent him right into one of his tantrums." Remus raised an eyebrow at me. "When he's like that, you could very well be talking to a tree. I suppose James and Peter's reaction didn't help either. You confirmed all their suspicions."

"I know," I said. "That was my intention. It worked flawlessly."

Remus made an agreeing sound.

"Sirius told me it was you that convinced him," I said.

"Looking back on what happened, it made sense what Lana said. We agreed to let her cover for you a few days."

"I wonder if my mother will buy it," I muttered doubtfully.

"Well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it?" Remus shrugged.

I smiled. "No, it doesn't."

My stomach began to growl loudly in protest. It was almost two o'clock and I hadn't eaten anything since dinner last night.

Remus chuckled and said, "Come on. Let's get a sandwich; I'm starving too. Although I wouldn't expect much from it if Sirius made them himself. The man is a complete disaster in the kitchen."

"I heard that," Sirius growled threateningly from the sofa.

We seated ourselves next to him again. I listened to the conversations, while eating my sandwich. I figured Sirius hadn't made them himself, because they were really good.

Gideon burst out laughing at something Marlene said. "You sound like my sister. She's having her hands full with her kids as well."

"How are the twins, Gideon?" Emmeline asked.

"Oh, they're fine. Can't tell 'm apart yet, but it took my mother years to keep Fabian and I apart as well and she still makes mistakes every now and then."

"I hope for Molly's sake that they don't turn out like you and Fabian," Marlene laughed.

Gideon and Fabian gave her an identical grin. "Well," Fabian said, "they were born on April Fool's day, so what do you think?"

Marlene groaned dramatically. "Poor Arthur and Molly," she sighed.

The members still present were engaged in little conversations, filling the room with a pleasant murmur. Remus exchanged a look with Dumbledore and he turned a little to me. "Niamh, there's something you should know about me."

"What?" I said absently, still laughing about Gideon and Fabian.

"He has a furry little problem," Sirius tuned in, having intercepted the meaningful look between Remus and Dumbledore.

At this truly incomprehensible comment I turned my full attention to Remus and Sirius. "He has a what?"

"Thank you, Sirius," Remus sighed exasperatedly, looking at my befuddled face. "Very helpful, as usual."

"A furry little problem?" I repeated. "Listen, Remus, I like you, but the amount of chest hair you possess is your own business, methinks."

Ignoring Sirius's bark of laughter, Remus said, "It's about a little more than chest hair – no, no, I didn't mean it like that," he added quickly when he saw the expression on my face. By now Sirius, James and Peter were all roaring with laughter.

Glaring at them, Remus muttered, "Immature twits. Fine. Niamh, I am a werewolf."

That statement refused to sink in. "What do you mean, a werewolf?" I asked confused.

Sirius snorted. " 'What do you mean, a werewolf?' Honestly, woman, sometimes you make me wonder -- "

"Oh, sod off, you," I cut him off. "It's not like it's a common thing. Hi, I'm Remus; I'm a werewolf. Oh, hello. I'm Niamh; I have curls."

Sirius snorted with laughter, but I really didn't find it funny.

"So…" I asked tentatively, "how long have you been a werewolf?" I desperately tried to appear calm, although Remus's words had almost shocked me out of my wits. A werewolf, my God.

"Ever since I was a little boy."

"Do you know who -- who bit you?"

Remus sighed. "I found out only recently. It was Fenrir Greyback."

I gasped. "Greyback! Oh my God, you're lucky to be alive." I had grasped his arm in alarm and this contact made me realise it was still Remus I was talking to. Not a dangerous, flesh-tearing, murderous werewolf. I squeezed his arm, as if to convince myself he was real.

Remus awaited my reaction tensely. I looked at his friends. "Did they know…?"

"Yes."

"At school?"

"Yes."

"And Dumbledore?"

"Yes."

"So… er…" I began, swallowing a large lump of fear, "a furry little problem, you said?"

"I did not come up with that name," Remus asssured me. The tips of his ears grew red with embarassment. It was something to typically Remus that I couldn't help but smile.

"No need to ask who did," I mumbled, throwing a disapproving look at James, Peter and Sirius, who grinned back cheekily.

"Yes," Remus sighed, "every other werewolf is feared, but I'm only made fun of. Not intimidated at all, they are."

"Why, Remus, I didn't know you liked that," I grinned slyly. "I never took you for the dominating male type. Learn something new every day. I promise I will treat you with the utmost respect and fright."

"I'll hold you to that," he grinned back, unable to hide the relief in his amber eyes.

"Oi, Moony," Sirius said angrily, "stop flirting with my girlfriend."

"Actually, I was flirting with him," I protested, teasing him, "not the other way around."

"Yeah, well, you're Slytherin. Sneaks, the lot of them. I can't hold it against you," Sirius shrugged. "But I expect better from you, mate," he told Remus sternly.

"Seriously," Lily groaned, rolling her eyes heavenwards.

Sirius shot away from me, yelling, "OUCH!" He spun around and narrowed his eyes suspiciously at my serene facial expression. "You pinched me!"

"I didn't do anything," I told him innocently.

Sirius glared mutinously at me. "I know you did it," he muttered.

"You said I was a sneak," I muttered back.

"You are," Sirius replied, "but I love you anyway."

I snorted. "And now I'm supposed to be swooning at your feet?"

"Well, if you don't mind…" Sirius grinned.

"Argh, shut up," I grumbled, but the corners of my mouth curled up in a smile. Chuckling, he kissed me.

"Get a room!" James, Peter and Remus immediately roared.

"Children," Lily sighed.

The room was filled with talk again soon after. I wondered why Dumbledore stayed. Before the meeting he had said that he was very busy preparing for the new academic year. It was explained when Dumbledore rose from his seat and invited me to join him. He walked over to the window where I had been standing with Remus. He asked for a more elaborate account of what had happened the last two months, so I told him in detail.

Dumbledore was mostly silent, although he inquired about some details that I thought wouldn't interest him.

After I had finished my story, he looked at me, almost appraisingly, and said, "It must have been very difficult for you, to keep your genuine thoughts and feelings so deeply hidden."

I stared outside. My eyes fell on a couple. They were laughing and kissing each other openly. "It was the thought of Sirius and what I did to him that made it so difficult, but hiding my thoughts and feelings is something I learned a long time ago." The couple intertwined their hands and walked around a corner.

Again Dumbledore gave me that appraising look. It felt like I was being scrutinized. Images were swimming vaguely at the back of my head. He raised his eyebrows in what seemed like surprise. "Are you familiar with Occlumency?"

I frowned. "I've heard of it."

"It's the ability to hide one's memories from an invading wizard, a Legilimens. You seem to have developed somewhat of a barrier already."

I didn't know what to say to that. Dumbledore looked at me over his glasses and said slowly, "I imagine you could become a highly accomplished Occlumens with the proper training."

"Thank you?" I said hesitantly, not sure whether it was a compliment.

"And you would certainly have the right people around you to help you in."

"I would?" I was at a loss now.

Dumbledore noticed it and smiled. "Forgive me, Miss Carden. I am getting ahead of things. Do you remember what Benjy said during the meeting?"

"About not being able to get information from the Death Eaters?"

"Yes. He is quite right. They are constantly one step ahead of us. We can only guess who will be the next victim and protect the survivors when our guess is wrong." Dumbledore spoke with a troubled voice, revealing it was a great worry to him. "I am, of course, with many others, trying to find a way to defeat Voldemort, but in the mean time witches, wizards, and Muggles are murdered one by one.

"Though we suspect Voldemort has many spies within the wizarding community, we have not been able to place anyone of us in his ranks," Dumbledore continued. "He and his followers are very suspicious."

With a sinking feeling to my stomach I was beginning to understand what he was aiming at.

"Our members are all openly against Voldemort and the Ministry hasn't been able to infiltrate either." Dumbledore took off his glasses. "Your coming here, Miss Carden, may just be what we have been hoping for."

"You want me to spy for the Order," I concluded, feeling my insides lurch.

"Yes."

I was so baffled by this unexpected turn of events that I did not even stop to consider the consequences. I chewed my lip. "My brother and Evan are Death Eaters, I'm sure of it."

"Your brother we are not sure of," Dumbledore said, "but Evan Rosier… We may have no proof, but we also have no doubt."

"They're not very open about it," I pondered, "not even to me. Just a few remarks here and there. That won't be of much use -- " My head shot up and I stared in shock at Dumbledore. "Unless you want me to join them," I breathed.

"That's what I'm asking of you."

It took me a few moments to regain composure, but finally I was able to close my mouth again. "A Death Eater," I said, my voice unnaturally high.

"I realise it is a highly dangerous thing I ask of you, but with the talent I believe you have for Occlumency, you're able to do it."

I honestly didn't know what to say. Dumbledore waited patiently for my answer. Finally, out of the swirling mess in my head emerged one thing I could not get rid of. "If I join the Death Eaters, I will have to see – and participate in – what they do to Muggles and Muggle-borns." I felt sick at the mere thought of it.

Dumbledore's face turned immensely grave. "Don't think I am not aware of that, Niamh. I know that I am placing a heavy burden on you, but with someone in Voldemort's ranks we will be able to save so many more lives than we are now."

It was an undeniable logic, but it clashed with everything I felt. The thought of going into that snake pit terrified me. I looked out of the window onto the street full of Muggles. They had no idea what was going on. What lurked in the shadows at night. Dumbledore had a point. Of all people, I would be most likely to be able to become one of them. And if it helped to protect more innocent wizards and witches… I could give warnings when an attack was about to happen or when someone was marked for death, identify Death Eaters so the Order would be able to keep them under surveillance and catch them, keep track of Voldemort's plans…

But it was so, so dangerous. Deceiving that kind of people, deceiving the Dark Lord himself... If I failed, if they saw through me... I had to suppress a sudden wave of panic.

I looked at Dumbledore, before I looked over my shoulder to where Sirius and his friends were talking. Peter, James and Lily. Remus. Zarah. She should have been there with them. An eighteen-year-old girl, in love, fighting for her right to live.

"Alright," I croaked without a further thought. "I'll do it."

"I am very grateful," Dumbledore said. He turned around and fixed his eyes on Professor Morton. "It means we have to discuss immediately how we are going to arrange your return to your family."

My family. Evan -- oh, fuck!

I realised that by going back to my family, I would have to go back to Evan. In order to get into the Death Eater's ranks, I would have to remain close to my family. And breaking off engagements was not the way to keep my family close.

Sirius will kill me, I thought when I turned my back on the window. Sirius frowned slightly when he looked at my pale face. He is definitely going to kill me…


"YOU WHAT!" Sirius roared.

Glancing at the other people present in the room, I grabbed his shirt and pulled him out of his living room and into the kitchen. "I am going to spy for the Order," I repeated myself.

"The hell you are," he shouted.

"Stop yelling at me," I demanded angrily. "I want to do this."

Sirius made a derisive sound. "No you don't. You just want to prove yourself."

"And what if I do?" I snapped and put my hands on my hips. "At least I'm not hiding anymore, like you pointed out."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "That's low, Carden."

It was. I regretted saying it, but I was too pissed off to take it back.

"Look," Sirius sighed, "you can't be serious about this. You can't be a Death Eater. You don't have what it takes to pull it off."

"Excuse me?" I huffed.

"Are you a raving, mass-murdering lunatic?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"It won't be that bad," I lied. Sirius threw me a look of pure disbelief. "Okay, yes, it will be that bad," I gave in, "but with Occlumency I can do it."

"Occlumency? Where the hell did you learn Occlumency?" Sirius said with raising voice.

"I didn't," I snapped, "but Dumbledore says I have a knack for it, so I'll be able to learn quickly."

Sirius was silent for a moment. Then he shook his head. "Occlumency or not, you'll still have to join them when they get orders from Voldemort to convince them."

There had been an ice-cold spot in my stomach ever since I first thought of that.

"Merlin, this is crazy," Sirius grumbled and raised his voice again. "Dumbledore can't ask that of you!"

"But he did," I said urgently, "and with someone among the Death Eaters, you'll be able to protect more people. I can tell you about attacks, so you can stop them."

"Niamh, listen to me. I know you joined the Order to help fight Voldemort," Sirius tried to reason with me. "I know you want to be a part of this, but there are other things that you can do to help."

"Yes," I agreed. "There are other things I could do, but no one else can do what Dumbledore asked me. It has to be me and I want to do it."

It was clearly the wrong thing to say, because Sirius's temper began to rise again and an incoherent stream of indignant sounds left his mouth. He clenched his jaw and finally managed to say with gritting teeth, "Are you mad? Goddamn it, if they find out, they'll do a whole lot worse to you than you've already been threatened with." He made a helpless gesture with his arm. "Why would you want to risk it now if you didn't want to before?"

"Because it's the right thing to do," I said softly. "You were right. I was hiding. But now, you and the Order, Remus -- I have to do something. I'm perfect for this job. And the Occlumency will protect me."

Sirius's features softened slightly. "I don't like you putting yourself in danger like that," he admitted grudgingly.

I smiled and put a hand against his face. "So now you understand why I pushed you away? It was the only way I could keep you from danger."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Very smooth," he chuckled and slid his arms around my waist, "but I suppose you're right."

I felt relieved. This had not gone too bad. Nobody was hexed, no furniture was broken, and nothing had been blown up. I hadn't told him the worst part yet, though. Then I felt Sirius stiffen. He put his hands on my waist and roughly created some distance between us. By the darkening look on his face I understood I didn't have to tell him. He had realised it himself.

"And just how exactly are you going to get inside their ranks?" he inquired in a dangerously low voice.

I swallowed. "I would have to go back to my family," I answered.

He took a step away from me, eyes filled with suspicion. "Right," he said with tight lips. He was readying himself for another outburst. "But they won't have you back if they know about me." He already knew what I was going to say.

"I need them for this. Especially my brother. And Evan." I eyed Sirius warily. He was worked up to the point of exploding. Quickly I blurted out, "I will have to stay engaged to Evan."

It was like a bomb was set off. "ENGAGED TO ROSIER!" Sirius raged. "I JUST TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU AND YOU WANT TO BE ENGAGED TO ROSIER?"

"I don't want to be engaged to him," I shouted, "but I'll have to. If I break this engagement, my parents will never forgive me! And as his fiancée, I'll have even more opportunities to get inside. Look at Bellatrix and Rodolphus."

"His fiancée," Sirius spat out, breathing heavily and with difficulty. "Rosier's fiancée. You want to be -- unbelievable." He stared down at me like a vengeful war god of old times. "And what are you prepared to do to convince him you want to be his wife?" He spat out the last word.

Horrified, I gaped at him. I hadn't thought about that. I closed my eyes to clear the confusing fog in my head. I couldn't abandon this whole plan, because of Evan. There had to be ways around it. Sirius had watched my face and groaned when he saw the determination appear on it. Swearing violently, he walked away from me.

"Sirius, wait," I said.

He spun around to face me. "I can't –You just – but I can't – I can't do this…" He took a deep breath.

"Don't do this," I whispered.

"Go back to him – do what you have to do…" A pained expression appeared on his face. "But don't expect me to – I can't watch this." He turned around and stomped off. The front door closed with a bang.


Don't hate me..