DollFace080: Thank you. Pfeww, glad you thought it worked how Sirius and Niamh got back together. I seemed like a big thing to a lot of people, so I wanted to get it right. Also, it's difficult to write about Niamh in trouble, because you know she will live, but I'm happy I got a little tension in that scene :D.

SexeiAlexeiGurl: Great coincidence about the saucepan-thing LOL. Live happily ever after?...(whistles innocently) Yes, you're right, the weather is lovely indeed...trala la. No foreshadowing anymore, but in any case, I'm not finished!

Wendela400: Thanks! I hope you like the next chapter.

MsPadfootVerona: Okay, that's it. I'm posting my thoughts on X right here. (I do have a diary, btw. I just can't remember where I put it) First of all, I am not a fan of Snape, so I don't believe in the Snape-is-a-misunderstood-hero theory. Of course, being a Sirius fan means that I am perhaps slightly biased...I hope you're not a Snape fan and hunt me down with an uzi, but since you're as much a fan of him as I am, I'll take my chances ;)
!Spoilers!
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So, did Dumbledore plan his death? I am thoroughly confused. I don't think he planned it. I do think he was prepared for it, with drinking the potion and all, but more in the way that he couldn't do it any other way. Someone had to drink that potion and if he couldn't get to Snape in time, he would die. He knew that.
But then that filthy piece of... you know, killed him instead of helped him to get rid of the effects of the potion. Bastard. Did Dumbledore beg for his life? Hmmm, at first I didn't think so. I just didn't think Dumbledore would do that. He wouldn't beg for his life, when he was probably completely unafraid of dying. "To the organized mind death is but the next great adventure." (Philosopher's Stone) But then I read an editorial on Mugglenet that said that Dumbledore was perhaps pleading for his life. Not because he was a coward, but because he knew he wasn't finished. Giving up a defiant hero's death and appear as a coward so he could continue what he was doing. That makes sense too. Dumbledore has never cared about what people think of him and would he really have planned to leave Harry alone, with all the Horcruxes and Voldemort out there? I get that Harry is the one who has to finish it, but it's not like Dumbledore has no importance at all. Lots of wizards and wizards are going to get killed simply because of the absence of Dumbledore. So I don't think he planned it.
About Snape. What do you think of him? I just know J.K. has something up her sleeve concerning him, but at the moment I just hate his guts. Don'tcount on a good Snape in my story...
You've probably seen a lot of doctors with all your broken and dislocated limbs. I hate doctors. I have a knee that just plainly refuses to do what I want ( years and years of training when you know you shouldn't). I've had surgery a few times, but I'm terribly afraid of doctors, so I'm not going back even though my knee is playing mutineer again. Actually - besides long-time sports injuries - gymnastics is a very safe sport.
Anyway, thanks a lot for your wonderful reviews. Whoohoo, I updated within a week ( I'm so proud), hope you like it!

p.s. Fideon and Gabian (sniggers) I like it!

Jennie: Emotional stuff, yeah. I'm glad you liked it. Here's another update!

darklady5289: There are two sides of it, aren't there? He was her big brother, after all. Lots of Niamh and Sirius in this chapter ;)

hpandfriendsruletheworld: Thanks! You've been reviewing my story from the beginning; it's great to hear you still like it :D Here's another chapter.

Messrs-Paddifoots-love: Finally! LOL I was getting impatient myself, but I couldn't rush it. A soap, that'd be great; too bad I don't own most of the characters ;) Anyway, hope you like the next chappie.

Katy: Getting laid: the cure for everything! LOL Sounds like an advertisement of George and Fred ;) Enjoy the next chapter!


Hearts

"I love you," I mumbled, still holding on to Sirius for dear life. I didn't think I could ever let go. "I'm sorry too."

I felt him sigh heavily. He held me so close I couldn't move an inch. I took a deep breath, inhaling Sirius's scent. It was almost intoxicating. I couldn't help doing it again.

After a moment I heard a chuckle. "What are you doing?" he asked bemused.

"You smell nice," I answered.

"You're smelling me?"

In reply I nuzzled his neck again.

"Well, I'm not smelling you," Sirius said. "You smell like overly roasted meat."

I grimaced. "That would be my arm."

We broke apart far enough for him to look at my shoulder. "It looks horrible. We should get you to St Mungo's."

"That would be a bit difficult to explain," I protested.

A small cough got our attention. Remus, James, and Peter were standing by the door. "Perhaps we could let Lily take a look at it. She's a first year Healer, after all," James said.

"Where did you come from?" I frowned.

"We were here the whole time."

"Oh."

"Can you stand?" Sirius asked me. I slid off his lap and he helped me to my feet. "Just hold on to me. I'll Apparate us to Headquarters," he said.

The ground reeled when we landed in front of Headquarters. I groaned and clutched my stomach. Inhaling deeply, I tried to keep the content of my stomach down. Sirius rubbed my back. "I'm okay," I said after a minute.

Sirius slid an arm around me to support me and we walked to the front door. I heard Remus and the others Apparate behind me. Peter hurried past us and opened the door. Lily stormed outside the moment she heard the door and bombarded me with questions. James effectively shut her up by saying she needed to heal me. She immediately ushered me and Sirius to a couch. She set to work, ordering Sirius to help me lay down and get out of the way.

Caradoc and Frank paced around the room, brows furrowed. Morton had left to go after Dumbledore the moment I had entered Headquarters.

Lily cured the cut and bruise on my forehead where I had hit my head on the stairs in an instant. Another cut, on my cheek, took a little longer since it came from a spell, which had grazed my face and almost destroyed my mask. She then examined the burn on my shoulder and arm. "What spell did this, Niamh?" she asked, horrified.

"I don't know," I said. "It came from the side. I didn't see who cast it."

Lily cast a few Examining Charms and mumbled something approvingly at the results. "Just a Singeing Spell. A very powerful one, though."

"I noticed," I said with gritting teeth.

She quickly began chanting a Healing Spell, covering the wound in a milky white light. Two more charms to kill the pain followed and then she magicked a bandage around my shoulder. With the pain gone, I felt somewhat better. Exhausted, I lay on the couch. My limbs felt too heavy to move.

"We'll just go and tell Dumbledore that you're safe," Lily said, glancing at Sirius and me.

Remus took the hint immediately. "Yes. We'll see you later." Frank and Caradoc exited.

James and Peter frowned. " Why do we all have to go? Can't one of us just…" James asked.

"No, James. We're all going," Lily said, with a pointed look at Sirius and me. Remus seized Peter by the arm and started dragging him to the door.

James eyes widened. "Oh…" He nodded. "Yes, it's absolutely necessary that we all go to Dumbledore. Except you, Padfoot."

Lily rolled her eyes and ushered her boyfriend to the door.

"Leave it to Prongs to ruin any form of subtlety," Sirius grinned after the door had closed. He had drawn up a chair next to the couch earlier and leaned forward, interlacing his fingers and rubbing his hands alternately.

An awkward silence fell between us. Where to begin? So much had happened in the last few months, I wasn't sure we could ever fix it.

I looked at him. His sleek black hair fell in his face, obscuring his eyes. He stared at his hands. "It seems I owe you another apology," he said quietly.

I frowned. "What for?"

"The way I came to your house. I could have blown your cover. What if Rosier had been there at the time?"

My stomach turned when I realised what could have happened. "It's okay. I'm glad you did."

Another awkward silence. I couldn't stand it.

Perhaps…

I sat up straight and slid my legs off the couch so I could sit opposite of Sirius. He didn't look up.

Our relationship had been physical before anything else. Maybe, if I just touched him, we would be able to talk. I placed my hand on his and squeezed softly. Sirius's head hung lower, but he enveloped my hand in both his hands, which were so much larger than mine.

"Please, look at me," I whispered.

Sirius slowly lifted his head and I looked into grey eyes that glistened with tears. My heart cringed; I had never seen him this vulnerable. "What's wrong?" I breathed.

"I'm completely fucked up," he said in a hoarse voice. "I think I'm rid of my family, of being a Black, but I'm just trying to fool myself. At the first mention of them I completely fly off the broomhandle. Merlin, I pushed you away because of them." He shook his head. "I hurt you, because of them. My parents have succeeded again in making me wreck my life."

"They haven't," I denied, a lump in my throat. "I'm here, aren't I? You've got James and Remus and Peter. Lily. Your parents…don't let them do this to you. Don't let them get to you."

"They get to me," Sirius spat out. His tensed jaw showed how difficult it was for him to admit that. "They always get to me. I thought I was free when I was eleven, and I was wrong. I thought so when I was sixteen and ran away; I was wrong again. And the way I treated you proved that I'm still not free of them."

"And here I thought I was the one with the affinity for Occlumency," I said gently and stretched out a hand to caress his face. "Why have you never told me?"

Sirius took my hand and kissed the palm. He smiled ruefully. "Because I like to pretend I don't care. James knows; I was on his doorstep after all hell broke loose at home. He saw the mess I was in and his parents took me in. Remus…well, it's hard to keep anything from Remus. We've never really talked about it, but I know he knows. And Peter…" Sirius shrugged. "Pete's just Pete."

We were silent for a while. I looked at Sirius's thumb that was caressing my palm. He took a deep breath. "Do you want… Do you want me to tell you about it?"

I locked his eyes with mine. They were so open, so easy to read. Or so I had always thought, but now I knew he had managed to hide a lot behind the expressive storm coloured eyes. Now they were wide open and I could see hesitation and fear. He was afraid to tell me and afraid I didn't want to hear it. I tightened my hands around his. "Yes. You can tell me," I said softly.

He let out the breath he'd been holding in a quivering sigh. He seemed to be searching for words, but I kept my mouth shut and interlaced my fingers with his. Another deep sigh and then it came out. All of it. In fits and starts. The hate, the abuse, the fights – both verbal and physical, even magical sometimes – and the hurt. That was the most difficult for him, admitting that it hurt.

By the time he was finished I was crying and my fingers were bruised from the force with which he had squeezed them.

In a voice thick with swallowed tears he told me that he understood if I didn't want to be with a messed-up wizard like him.

"Of course I want to be with you," I said. "I love you. I love every part of you. The funny part, the handsome part, the part you keep deep inside of you…" I let go of his hands and cupped his face. "And the black parts of you."

Sirius jerked his face away from me with a groan. I placed my hands on his cheeks again and forced him to look at me. "The Black parts too. I know you hate them, and for reasons I now understand much better, but those parts belong to you too. It doesn't make you less, it only makes you stronger, because you are better than them. You're a good man, no matter what your family is. You've made me see that I don't have to be like my family. That I can be more, even though I have inherited much from my ancestors. Like you have. If you deny it, you will never be free from your family, because your hatred will keep you linked to them. Accept it, accept who you are and use the parts of you that are Black in a good way; and let go. Because those parts will always be there."

Sirius tensed up so much his body shook with the force of it.

"Sirius…" I said. He opened his eyes again. "I love you. Let me love all of you."

He sat silent as a stone, staring at me. He breathed with difficulty and his fists were clenched on his legs.

"I love you," I repeated. Tentatively I leaned forward and pressed my lips gently against his. I pulled back when he didn't respond.

He didn't move an inch. Just when I wanted to say his name again, his hand shot out and cupped my cheek. His other hand he slid to the back of my neck. "You sure?" he asked gruffly.

I gasped when his stone eyes melted and flared up. "Yes," I panted, suddenly out of breath.

"I need to…" he said hoarsely, struggling with his self-control. "Let me kiss you."

A moan was all I managed to wring out of my throat when I looked in his blazing eyes. Without a warning Sirius leaned forward and crushed his lips into mine. His weight pushed me down against the couch. Flesh and teeth clashed as he kissed me furiously. I nipped at his bottom lip and was rewarded with a throaty groan that nearly sent me over the edge.

Tasting him, smelling him, feeling him sent shocks both hot and cold through my body. Sirius's tongue plunged deep into my mouth as if to possess me. I moaned and grabbed his shoulders when his tongue traced the roof of my mouth.

I pulled away and gasped, "Evil!"

Sirius gave a low chuckle. "That's what you get when you make out with a Black."

"Do it again, Mr. Black," I growled and pulled his head to me. Sirius mumbled in approval and heeded my request, reducing me to putty.

Suddenly he jerked up and looked around. I whimpered in protest.

"We're in the middle of Headquarters," he said surprised.

"Yes, we are. And your point is…?" I asked, feeling cold without his body.

"Arousing as the thought may be, making love to you on the couch is perhaps not the best of ideas," he said, looking disappointed. "I suspect half the Order is in the kitchen."

"What happened to your Marauder's sense of adventure?" I teased, eyeing him lustfully.

"Are you serious?" he sputtered.

"Well, perhaps not, but I know someone who is Sirius…"

"You'll pay for that one," he growled and pounced on me. "If McGonagall barges in here, it's on your head," he said before capturing my lips with his own.

I giggled for a moment at the thought of the prim and proper McGonagall walking in on us, but was soon lost in the feeling of Sirius's hands roaming over my body.

A loud and clear cough made us both freeze. You have got to be kidding me.

"Merlin's balls," Sirius groaned to my skin. "I knew this was a bad idea." He looked up and nodded friendly at the intruder. "Mornin' sir."

"Good morning, Sirius. Good morning, Niamh. I'm glad to see that you are all right," Dumbledore said calmly, his eyes twinkling. "Perhaps, Niamh, you have a moment to tell me what happened last night."

My happy feeling vaporised. Sirius got off me and helped me up.

"Sirius, could you tell your friends that Niamh is doing well?" Albus suggested. Sirius looked ready to protest, but Dumbledore added, "I would like to speak to Niamh alone."

Sirius looked at me. I nodded to tell him I was fine. "Okay then," he said and walked out of the room.

I turned my eyes to Dumbledore. Everything that had happened last night came back to me with full force.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Niamh," he said. His voice was full of caring and compassion.

My lip trembled. I looked away, feeling tears appear in my eyes. "He knew the risks. So did I."

"That doesn't reduce the loss."

"God, what an idiot," I suddenly snapped. "Why did he have to join? Why couldn't he just… He was my brother. My brother. And they killed him." My voice broke.

"And your cousin?"

"Naoise. He wouldn't have wanted to go any other way," I said scornfully. "But my brother. I don't know why. He was just married. I loved him. I know what he did; I've seen the things he did." I let out a sob. "But I loved him. And now he's dead."

I looked Dumbledore reluctantly in the eye. "Something went wrong. I don't know what happened, but when I saw that Auror's face, the one that had killed Rowan, I hated him." I felt sick when I thought back on what I had done. "I killed him, Albus. I killed that Auror with Avada Kedavra."

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, taken by surprise. "Are you certain?"

"Yes. Not a doubt in my mind. It was my curse that hit him."

"Why is this so different from the other time you've cast that curse?"

"Because this time I meant it," I hissed. "It was not just some Occlumency trick to shut down my feelings that made it work. I wanted to kill him. I couldn't even hold up the walls. It was all me." I swallowed.

Dumbledore sighed deeply. "I fear, Niamh, that I'm the one to blame."

"What?" I gasped, taken aback.

"I knew what was going on. I saw the way you hid yourself behind your skills as an Occlumens. I knew it was only a matter of time before something went wrong." Lines were etched deeply in his face. "I fooled myself in thinking that once you saw what you were doing, you would realise it was the wrong way to deal with your feelings. I did not foresee that your feelings could break free in a way that would harm others. I should have been more careful."

"I need Occlumency. I can't deal with Evan or the Death Eaters without it," I said.

"But you used it for a lot more," Dumbledore observed.

I averted my eyes. He was right. It had almost become an addiction to not feel a thing. "What do I do now? I've killed a man."

"You also saved a woman. Griselda," Dumbledore retorted. "And Lothair."

"Lothair is dead," I said.

"Because he chose to stay and fight. You gave him the choice to do that, instead of being murdered in his bed."

"Yeah, and three Aurors died because of it."

"They know the risks that come with their job. Listen to me, Niamh," Dumbledore said gently. "I will understand if you want to quit. You've been through more than I could ever have asked you to do. I won't deny that we need you, but your life means more to me."

I shook my head. "I can't back out; you know that, sir. It's a lifetime of service that I'm in. If I quit, I'll be dead within days. I will go through with it."

"You will have to find a balance being an Occlumens," Dumbledore warned me.

"I will," I promised. I only had to envision that Auror's face and I knew I would never let things to get so out of hand again.

"Well then," Dumbledore began, his eyes regaining some of their sparkle, "I think it's time we go to the kitchen and have some tea, so that the Order has something better to do than listen at doors."

After a cup of tea I had to go to the Manor. The Ministry would bring my brother's body home, and since I was now heir to the family name, it was my duty to be there. All at once the Carden family had been deprived of its heirs. Naoise was the only child of my father's older brother and had no children. My father's younger brother had no sons, only two daughters. With Rowan dead too, I was the oldest child of the second son and heir, unless my father or my uncles had another son, which was unlikely. If Alexia was not pregnant, I was part of the last generation of Cardens.

I promised I would meet Sirius at his place as soon as I could. We still had a lot to talk about. Sirius pulled me close and kissed me with surprising gentleness, brushing my hair from my face. It nearly made me cry again. With wet eyes I hugged Remus and Lily and left.


Two days later I stood beside Rowan's grave. My black robes fluttered in the frosty wind. Alexia and Deirdre were standing next to me. I could hear them sobbing. My face and eyes seemed frozen. Alexia was not pregnant. When my sister, cousins, and I married, the family name would cease to exist. I was not sure how I felt about that. It seemed ironic that the Dark Arts that had once made my family flourish, were now its downfall.

Deep brown earth fell on Rowan's coffin. It was a private burial. Only family were present. The press – and Rita Skeeter in particular – had surrounded us like a swarm of flies. Nobody from our family had given any comments. Denying Rowan and Naoise were Death Eaters would mean being disloyal to Voldemort, and admitting that they were would mean the end of our social life.

We did what Cardens had done for centuries. We were silent, aloof, arrogant, and superior. Aurors had found nothing when they had searched the manor and father's bribes had ensured that what had happened to Rowan and Naoise would not reflect on the rest of the family.

Mother had begged me to reconsider me being a Death Eater. She could not bear to lose another child. I had coolly informed her that I had pledged my allegiance to the Dark Lord, knowing the risks, as Rowan had done. I had little patience with my mother.

After the funeral I told my parents and Evan I wanted to be alone. After going to my apartment to change, I Apparated to Sirius's house. I was in his arms the moment he opened the door. He lifted me from my feet and carried me to the rug in front of his fireplace. "Do you want a drink?" he asked after he had put me down.

"Alcohol," I answered. "Lots of it." I kicked off my shoes and nestled myself in front of the roaring fire.

Sirius summoned a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey and two glasses and sat down next to me. For a while we were content sitting next to each other and sipping our drink.

"Are you all right?" Sirius asked.

"I will be," I said. Sirius stretched himself out on the rug and pulled me to him. I snuggled close to him. "I will be," I repeated.