A/N: Finally, an update! And on Christmas Eve. It's not really a fluffy chapter, though...hmm, it'll have to do. Anyways, thanks for all the reviews :) Merry Christmas to all of you! And I'll wish you a happy new year in the next chapter. (yes, that's a promise, and if I don't keep it, you can come and hunt me down ;) )
A Dangerous Decision
The world swayed in front of me. "What?" I croaked. "Where are they? Is he alive?"
"I'm not sure. I have to go back," Fabian said hurriedly. "I just came to bring you Dumbledore's orders. You are to go to your own home, stay there, and not move an inch. When we know more, we will let you know."
"WHAT?" I screamed. "Are you insane? I'm not leaving! Where is Sirius? Let me see him!"
"There are still Death Eaters fighting. They might come here as well. It's too dangerous for you. Go home!" Fabian snapped and Disapparated.
Fabian's words echoed in my mind. Not sure… He wasn't sure if they were alive. My insides twisted and squirmed. I could taste the bile on the back of my tongue. For the first time I could imagine what it was like for Sirius every time I put myself in danger.
"Oh God," I moaned. I felt like I was going insane. The thought of having to live without Sirius was enough to render me helpless. Frantically I paced around the room, clutching my hands and groaning whenever it hit me that Sirius could be dead.
I didn't see what I was doing or where I was going. I bumped into the table thrice and tripped over the rug. Flashes of Sirius's dead body appeared before my eyes. I didn't have to imagine the horrors that the Death Eaters had inflicted. I had seen it firsthand before. I groaned again. And when they realised it was Sirius Black they had encountered, they would do even worse. No worse sin than blood treason.
Merlin, what have they done to him?
After a long time I managed to calm down sufficiently to Apparate home without getting myself splinched, where I immediately resumed my pacing.
Too much hours later Fabian pounded on the door again. I jerked it open and hissed, "Where is he?"
"In St Mungo's," Fabian answered. "Fourth floor. Spell Damage."
Without a word I stepped outside and Apparated to the magical hospital. I stalked past the waiting witches and wizards, avoiding to bump into the many wooden chairs. A few well-placed death glares scared off the Healers in lime green robes that came up to me to ask what was wrong. I rushed past the welcome witch to the double doors that led to the stairs.
"Niamh?" a surprised voice asked.
I whipped around. The blood drained from my face. Severus Snape was staring at me in confusion. He had called me Niamh. Suddenly it hit me. I had given Fabian no time to change me into Nicole.
"Severus," I greeted him, desperately trying to calm my raging nerves. My voice was unnaturally high. I quickly cleared my throat. "What are you doing here?" I glanced at the clock on the wall. "At seven in the morning?"
"I could ask you the same thing," he retorted. "Why are you dressed like that?"
I looked down and bit back a curse when I realised I was wearing a skirt and top that looked distinctly Muggle.
"And in the company of an Auror, a Prewett even?" Severus added distastefully.
"In the company of an Auror?" I repeated stupidly. Severus stared at Fabian, who was leaning against the wall some feet away. "Oh, you mean him? He's not accompanying me. He is... er... well, following me. You do know what I'm accused of, don't you?" I flashed a teasing smile at him. "They think I'm a horrible, murdering Death Eater. Shocking, isn't it?"
Severus snorted at my innocent expression.
"They won't stop following me around," I finished, praying he would believe me.
"They've put the worst kind on your tail," Severus said, sneering at Fabian. "Nothing worse than a blood traitor."
My stomach turned. "I agree. But why are you here?"
"Checking some rumours. Remember old Sirius Black?"
"Vaguely," I answered disdainfully. My heart leaped in my throat.
"He ran into some people who don't look kindly on blood traitors," Severus smirked.
"Really?" I said thoughtfully. "I wonder who those people are."
"Yes, so do I," Severus commented, raising a meaningful eyebrow at me. I returned the malicious smile, letting him know I understood what he meant.
"I have to go now," I said.
"Be careful." Severus leaned over and lowered his voice. "Make sure they can't track you to certain places."
"No worry. I can handle them," I assured him. "I'll see you later." I turned around to leave, but Severus's voice stopped me.
"What are you doing here anyway?"
Damnit!
I turned back. "Er… I came to… to see someone," I stuttered. "A friend… who's sick. And she's been admitted to hospital just yet. It's not serious," I added quickly, to stop him from making concerned inquiries.
"I didn't think it was Sirius," Severus retorted, the corner of his mouth twitching. I paled, realising the confusion. "You're not the type to defile yourself with that kind of filth."
I laughed nervously. "I meant she's not seriously ill, but I thank you for the accurate character assessment."
Severus chuckled.
"Er… well, I really have to go."
"Bye, Niamh."
I turned around and walked blindly through the doors. On the fourth floor I waited for Fabian.
"That was close," he said worried when he stepped on the landing. I waited impatiently in the hallway while he searched for an empty room. Finally he dragged me into a broom closet and transfigured my hair and face.
Finally I could go and see Sirius. I stopped in shock in the doorway. He was lying motionless in a hospital bed. His face was whiter than the sheets, contrasting dramatically with his jet black hair. His eyes were closed.
"Oh Merlin," I moaned. I rushed over to the bed and put my hand on his cheek, sighing in relief when I found it was warm.
Fabian cleared his throat. "I'll leave you alone. Remus and the others should be here soon."
I didn't respond, but sat on the chair next to bed, unable to take my eyes of Sirius's deadly white face. His left arm was wrapped in bandages, as was his chest. I lifted the sheet to check where else he had been injured.
A soft and croaky chuckle made me jump up and drop the sheet.
"Couldn't you have waited with that until after I was conscious again?" Sirius said hoarsely, giving me a ghost of a smile.
"What do you… oh, you pervert!"
"I love you too," he answered. "Could you give me some water? I think those Healers poured sand down my throat."
I helped him drink from the glass on his nightstand. He only managed to swallow a few drops, before he began coughing violently. I quickly put the glass away and waited until he put his head back on the pillow, gasping for breath.
"Hey, you don't have to cry," Sirius soothed. "I'm fine."
"I'm not crying," I huffed and wiped my eyes. "Oh," I said sheepishly, when I felt the moist on my hand.
With his good arm Sirius grabbed my hand and kissed it. "Everything's fine."
"I was so worried. I thought they'd killed you," I choked. "Look at you, you're so pale. Dumbledore wouldn't let me go to you."
"And he was right. There were Death Eaters all over the place. You could have got exposed," Sirius said.
"I thought I lost you," I whispered with a trembling lip.
Sirius smiled. "I know the feeling." He scooted over in the bed, wincing in pain. "Could you get into bed with me, please?"
"What?" I protested. "You're wounded. What will the Healers think?"
"They'll admire me for my incredible stamina," he answered, trying to grin cheekily, but it was too much effort. "Come on, I just want to have you close for a moment."
Sighing, I kicked off my shoes and climbed on the bed. Sirius draped his good arm around me and buried his nose in my hair.
"For a moment there I too thought you had lost me," he mumbled.
I cringed. "Don't say that. I don't know what I would do without you."
"Pine away or marry Remus."
I shot up straight. "WHAT?"
"I'm serious – shut up, no puns. If I'm dead, the only one I could bear to see you with is Remus."
"Did a curse addle your brain or something? First of all, you are not going to die. Second, you're delusional if you think Remus and I will ever get together. It will be like kissing a brother."
"Like that has ever stopped a pure-blood. My parents are first cousins. And we're related too."
"Yeah, we have one great-grandfather in common! I'm not a fan of inbreeding, although in your case it does explain a lot."
"I have a feeling that was an insult," Sirius commented dryly.
"It was."
"You can't insult a wounded man."
"Watch me."
"Why do all our conversations end in verbal duelling?" Sirius sighed exasperatedly.
"Because you're an idiot," I answered.
"Then I will be the better man and apologize for fixing you up with Remus," he said nobly.
"Big feat," I snorted. "You're the only man here."
"Hey! I apologized."
"Alright, you're forgiven." I rolled my eyes.
Sirius laid his head back on his pillow and closed his eyes, panting. He was exhausted.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have..."
"I'm just a little tired," Sirius tried to ease me, but his sickly colour and the beads of sweat on his forehead gave him away.
"Go to sleep," I soothed, wiping his hair from his face. In mere seconds he fell asleep.
I slipped out of the bed and went to look for a Healer. After searching for a while I managed to find the Healer-in-charge, who told me it was a combination of several Dark Curses that had taken out Sirius. They had managed to sort out which curses it were and after a week of taking potions to counter the various effects Sirius could leave St Mungo's.
I walked back to Sirius where I found Dumbledore. He told me to go to work.
"Excuse me?" I huffed. "I'm not leaving this hospital!"
"And how will you explain your absence?" Albus asked sternly.
"I don't care. Sirius nearly died. I'm staying here!" I insisted, trying to keep my voice down so I wouldn't wake Sirius. "You made me wait long enough before I could go and see him. Sir."
"This is exactly why I sent Fabian to tell you to go home," Albus retorted. "I've just spoken to him. You've taken an unacceptable risk by coming here. If Severus Snape had found out, your life would've been forfeit, the Order would've lost its spy, and if you were caught you could have exposed every member."
"I was worried out of my mind!" I hissed.
"Half the Order was trying to rescue him. You could have done nothing."
"But I love him!"
"And that love has just put you in great danger. Even when it comes to Sirius, Niamh, you will have to keep your cover intact. That is more important than anything." Albus's face softened. "Go to work and visit him tonight. Sirius will be fine."
I turned around and stalked off, boiling with rage. I pretended not to hear Albus's weary sigh.
After work I headed back to the hospital and found Sirius awake, surrounded by Remus and Peter.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
"I'm fine," Sirius said casually.
"He's putting up a brave face," Remus said. "He's not fine."
"Blabbermouth," Sirius muttered.
I kissed Sirius on the forehead. "You don't have to do that."
After I had found a chair I asked what I had wanted to ask all day. "How is Caradoc?"
Peter looked at his hands and shook his head.
"We don't know," Remus answered. "We haven't found him yet."
"What do you mean we haven't found him yet?" I asked shocked.
"The Death Eaters attacked his house. We couldn't find him," Remus explained. "Either they kidnapped him or…"
"They know he's a member of the Order," Sirius butted in. "They didn't kidnap him. He was already gone by the time I got to his house. They were ransacking the place."
"You went to Caradoc's house?" I asked.
"Yes. I went to check on him after my shift had ended," Sirius affirmed. "When I got there the Death Eaters were everywhere, probably looking for information about the Order. I went in trying to find Caradoc."
"You went into a house full of Death Eaters?" I asked weakly. "Alone?" I put a shaking hand over my eyes.
"Yes, of course."
"YOU WENT INTO A HOUSE FULL OF DEATH EATERS ON YOUR OWN?" I shrieked and jumped from my chair. "Why the hell would you do that? Why didn't you warn the others?"
"Because I thought I might get Caradoc out of there," Sirius answered.
"Are you insane?" I screamed. "They could have killed you. In fact, they nearly succeeded! Do you know what they would do to you if you give them the chance?" I had clenched my fists. "A blood traitor! They would have you begging for death."
"I'd like to see them try," Sirius hissed fiercely.
"Unbelievable! You and your damned Gryffindor hero complex!" I shouted, nearly exploding. "I was almost discovered because of your recklessness!"
"What is going on here?" a Healer asked indignantly, marching inside.
I glared daggers at her and stormed past her. My head spun with emotions. I needed to get out of there.
I decided to walk home to clear my mind. It didn't work. To make matters even worse, my arm began to sting and burn, blackening the mark on my arm. I swore loudly, but summoned my cloak and mask. I took a moment to pull up my defences against Legilimency and Disapparated.
Only three Death Eaters were at the meeting place with the Dark Lord. I frowned.
"Welcome, Niamh," Voldemort's high and cold voice greeted me. "Severus has told me some interesting news."
"Pardon me, master?" I inquired, bowing deeply.
"Severus?" Voldemort asked.
"What were you really doing in St Mungo's today? None of your friends have been admitted to hospital," Severus stated.
"Excuse me?" I sputtered, standing up straight again. "You've been spying on me?"
"You were acting strange," Severus retorted.
I stared open-mouthed at him, fighting the panic that was surfacing. I was silent for a moment and regained my composure. The other two Death Eaters slipped their hoods from their heads and took off their masks. Evan and Lucius.
"What is going on, Niamh?" Lucius asked suspiciously.
The four men stared at me. All men. At that moment the perfect solution came to mind.
I straightened myself. "Fine," I said curtly. "I was hoping I could keep this private, but since you seem to have turned into a paranoid old lady, Severus, I will tell you." I paused for dramatic effect. "I was in St Mungo's for a pregnancy test."
I had hit my mark. All faces except the Dark Lord's turned white.
"A pregnancy test?" Evan asked with difficulty.
"Yes. That is why I was there so early and wearing a ridiculous outfit. I was trying to avoid recognition. The press, and Skeeter in particular, would have a field day if they found out."
"Pregnant by whom?" Lucius asked.
"Really, Lucius," I scorned, "dimwittedness doesn't suit you. Who do you think would be the father?"
Lucius looked at Evan.
"Are you pregnant?" my ex-fiancé asked.
"Fortunately the test was negative," I said, reducing his hopes of an heir to nothing.
"Fortunately?" Lucius repeated. "You didn't want the child?"
"Can you see me doing the Dark Lord's bidding with a belly the size of Wales?" I asked contemptuously.
Voldemort chuckled. "Your devotion moves me." His long fingers caressed my mask and pulled it off. He stared into my eyes. "You're not lying to me, are you, dear Niamh?"
I felt tentacles probe my mind and quickly sent forth images of my relationship with Evan, including very personal details, and shut down any revealing parts. After a while I felt the Dark Lord retreat.
Feeling weak-kneed from the effort it had cost, I hoped he was satisfied. It seemed so when he said to Severus, "If that is all?"
"Yes, master," Severus answered. "Forgive me, master."
"You may go," Voldemort told us and waved us away. I bowed and glared at the three men before Disapparating.
Back in my apartment my legs refused to carry me. Shaking uncontrollably I sank on my couch. This was the closest I had ever been to being discovered as a spy. I stared at my hands, still in shock about the reality of the danger I had just been in. My head was quickly turning into a mess of confusing thoughts, so I decided to go for a walk – again – to clear my mind. The sun had just set. I walked around in the cooling air, trying to sort out my feelings.
Dumbledore was right. I had put myself in a perilous situation by running off to St Mungo's like that. Every rational thought seemed to have vanished from my mind the moment I heard Sirius's life was at risk. I had escaped exposure this time, but I wouldn't be so lucky next time.
So what to do? If I were thinking completely logically, I admitted I would have to eliminate one of the factors that had led to the near-disaster today. That would mean either stop being a spy or give up Sirius.
I scoffed. I couldn't stop being a spy. I couldn't back out on being a Death Eater. I would sign my own death warrant if I did that. That left giving up Sirius. I scoffed again. That wouldn't work either. I couldn't give him up. Even if we weren't together, that didn't stop me from loving him. Besides, I wasn't prepared to give him up.
It was the best solution, though. The more distance there was between him and me, the safer I was. The part of me that was still struck dumb with fear encouraged me to choose for myself. I pondered about it for a while. With Sirius's personality, incidents like the one today would happen more often. He would never care more about his own safety than that of another. His attempt to save Caradoc was proof of that. He felt no regrets; he would do it again tomorrow.
I bit my lip. And I would probably react exactly the same way.
Again, so what to do?
As I walked around the park I had mindlessly entered, I realised it was not a difficult choice at all. Dangerous though it could possibly be, I would never give up Sirius.
Never.
I wrapped my arms around myself to protect myself from the chilling air.
And if that means more risk, so be it.
