I was on my fourth day of cleaning with the captain and it was beginning to wear my patience down to the bone. Everyday he had something snarky to say and it was driving me mental.
I was just about to leave to the mess hall when he called after me. "Oi! Where do you think you're going?! You made a mess pouring my tea, clean it up!" He ordered. That was the final straw. I dropped all of the cleaning supplies on the floor and marched right over to him, contempt oozing from every pore.
"I have absolutely HAD it. How fucking dare you treat me like this?! I really don't know who the fuck you think you are, but to me, you're the biggest kind of asshole there is. You don't even remember me! You left me in the blink of an eye and now you think you can just tell me what to do like I'm your servant? Fuck that and fuck this. I don't deserve this from you." I stopped to catch my breath. I placed my hands on his desk, leaned forward, and stared at his impassive face. There was no stopping these words now.
"Did I really mean that little to you? So little that you just packed up and left without so much of an explanation? You were all I had, Levi. All I had! And you knew that! You fucking knew that! Yet, here you are in your swank office with your big badass reputation. I never in a million years thought I'd see you again, and especially not under these circumstances." I slammed my fists down onto his desk. Unforgiving tears were starting to pool in my eyes.
"You hurt me. You hurt me so bad that I chose to forget you. And now I'm pissed that I'm remembering you and everything that comes with that again because you clearly have no clue who I am." The tears were silently falling down my cheeks. I clenched my fists tighter and looked down. He was silent for a long while, his face betraying no emotion. "I looked up to you. You were my mentor. Fuck, I wanted to be like you. You showed me that I could survive on my own and be okay. You made me believe that everything would be okay. You were the only person I could consider family. I bet you left Isabel and Farlan too, huh?" I stared at him, tears glistening on my cheeks, hoping he could see the torment in my eyes.
The realization of what I just did hit me and panic ensued. Oh shit. Shit. I did it. I lost it. I need to leave. Tears still falling from my eyes, I turned around and practically ran out of his office and straight for my room. How could I have been so stupid?! I let my emotions get the better of me. Damn it.
I laid on my bed hugging my pillow and cried more than I had in years. So many emotions and memories came rushing to the surface. It was just all too much for me to handle all at one time.
"Stay hidden." Levi whispered to me. He had taken me with him on a little trip into the heart of the underground. Isabel and Farlan were with him, as usual, and they were attempting to get some supplies. At 11 years old I was hardly a useful asset, but I had begged to tag along because anything was better than being holed away by myself all day while they were gone.
I had stuffed myself into an old crate overlooking the shop the three had set their sights on. Completely out of sight, I watched as the gang created quite a ruckus inside the shop. "Oh, here comes the big finale!" I whispered excitedly. With a sudden crash the three burst from the shop running straight towards me. "Go back!" I heard Levi command. I knew he meant go back to the their current hiding place. I slipped out of the crate and took off running in the opposite direction as the three. Levi had taught me that it was safer to run away from them at first so I didn't get caught.
My feet felt like they were barely hitting the ground. I moved in quick, light, steps, zigzagging through crowds and around corners. I was getting close to my destination when a huge, muscled, arm seized the back of my shirt and yanked me back. I lost my balance and fell backwards onto my butt with a muted 'thud'. A dark chuckle escaped the man's lips. "Looky 'ere." He spoke, examining my face.
He was an ugly man, to say the least. His eyes were much too small for his bald, boulder shaped head and his eyebrows, thick and black, jutted over his eye sockets casting a deep shadow over them. His facial hair grew in patches along his jawline and neck and his huge, bulbous nose looked like a cap that kept his face screwed in placed. I gazed back at him, fear closing in on me.
"You'll be a fine addition to me selection. You'll earn me quite a pretty penny." His words dripped like slime from his rotted mouth. I shuttered at the thought of what happened to children, especially little girls, in the underground, Isabel had taught me about it. Despite the growing fear brewing in my stomach, I knew I had to fight back or escape. He released his grip on your back just long enough for me to snap up and bolt away from him. I ran as fast as your legs would take me, not bothering to look back. I heard his flurry of curse words fade in the distance as I ran away. Once I were felt I was far enough, laughter began erupting from I. Loud, boisterous laughs rippled through the air from my lungs. "Wow! That was close. Wooooo. I did it though! Ha! Levi would be so proud!" I cheered.
"I guess I am." His monotone voice said, suddenly beside me. My laughter stopped immediately and I stared at Levi in surprise. "You saw?!" I whined, slightly embarrassed. "Tch, you didn't think I would have let you run through the city that long by yourself did you?" He said crossing his arms over his chest. I clasped my hands behind my back and aimlessly kicked the dirt at my feet. "I'm strong enough to be by myself." I mumbled at the ground. I heard the smirk in his voice when he spoke. "Yeah, I guess you are now, huh?" He paused. "It doesn't mean I won't protect you, though." He finished, ruffling my hair. I looked up at him and smiled. Levi was always serious and stoic, but for some reason, he couldn't stay that way towards me. I was the only person to ever feel the warmth of Levi's personality, and I cherished it above all else. He was all the family I had, after all.
The memory ripped open and old wound in my heart. It was once my favorite memory, but over time I had grown to hate it. It made me feel cheated and lied to. How could he say those things and act like that and then just leave? It still doesn't make sense. Unless all of it was a lie. But then why keep up the lie for so long? Why?
Sleep soon found its way into my overworked brain and I passed out.
Despite my outburst, I still arrived at his office at six am on the dot. He let me in and a blanket of uncomfortable silence covered both of us. I made a move for the cleaning supplies but he stopped me. "Not today. Sit." He spoke softly, motioning to the chair in front of him. I did as instructed, clasped my hands in my lap and fidgeted with the hem of my leather straps. He didn't say anything, so I took it upon yourself to speak first.
"Captain, I'd like to apologize for my outburst yesterday. It was absolutely unacceptable and I accept any punishment you deem fit." The words tumbled out of my mouth much too quickly. Embarrassed, I just looked down at my hands and closed my eyes. He simply made a steeple with his hands and spoke.
"Europa, do you know why I joined the Scouting Legion?" He asked simply. I was completely thrown off by both his question and demeanor. "Um..no, sir, I don't." He was silent once more. I watched as he contemplated his next move. He decided to stand up and walked over to the window behind him, surveying the grounds. "I was originally going to kill Commander Erwin." My jaw dropped in astonishment. "I never had any intentions of becoming a permanent member of this organization, and certainly not a captain, either." He remained staring out the window, his voice betraying no emotion.
"Isabel, Farlan, and I were hired to kill the commander in order to obtain some important documents. In exchange, we would be granted a chance to live above ground." A painful silence fell over the room. "We had devised a plan to kill him when we went on our first expedition outside of the wall. But… but we didn't expect the weather to be as bad as it was. The storm was so heavy you could barely see your hand in front of your face." He shifted his weight but kept his gaze glued to the outside. I sat there, hanging off the edge of my chair. Something about Levi was definitely off now, I could feel it. The air around him had changed and I felt my heart sink.
"I told Isabel and Farlan to go back to the rest of the squads and regroup for safety. I told them I would find Erwin and finish this mission. It would have been so easy, especially with the weather decreasing visibility. I had barely made it halfway there when I heard the screams of everyone behind me..." A hand silently flew to my mouth and I gasped quietly, hoping he wasn't going to say what I had thought.
"A group of titans had intercepted them." His fists clenched at his sides, the only thing that gave him away. "I doubled back as fast as possible. It was because of my choice that they were in danger now. The fog was so thick, it was almost impossible to find them. By the time I did, it was too late. The titans had killed everyone, Isabel and Farlan included. I… I watched them die." His head dropped and I saw his jaw tighten significantly. "I killed all of them. All five of those titans, in one fell swoop. Fucking pieces of shit." He spat with venom. "I still tried to kill Erwin, but he convinced me that joining the legion would be the best thing for all of humanity. Isabel and Farlan would have wanted me to do it. Even in our short time in the legion, it was clear they both saw how this organization acted on behalf of humanity, and they truly believed in that idea, so I chose to stay, to honor them."
The air was still in the room. It was so quiet, a feather could have dropped and I would have heard it. I shifted nervously in my chair, unsure of what to say or if I should say anything at all.
"I had never planned on leaving you down there. We were going to finish this mission, and then I was going to come back and get you and take you to the upper level with me. I couldn't tell you about this mission for fear of putting your life in danger. By the time I had made my decision, I thought it better to leave you be since I couldn't take you up with me anymore. I knew you'd survive. But Europa..." He finally turned around, silver eyes burning into mine,
"...I never forgot about you. Not even for a second."
