Cold air wrapped around me like vicious claws around an innocent prey. I had no idea where I was and all I saw was darkness. A faint orange light was the only sign of life that I could see. It flickered wildly, as if beckoning me forward. With no other options, I took a step forward. The ground beneath me came to life as my foot hit what appeared to be a glass stepping stone of sorts. I could see right through the glass, but no reflection of stared back at me. A shiver ran down my spine. Just where was I?
With each step, a new square of glass appeared. I noticed they gradually began ascending, seemingly bringing me closer to the glowing orb of light.
I felt like I had been walking for hours yet I still didn't seem any closer to the ball of light then when I started. Then, all of a sudden, the orb was right on front of me, a soft halo of pale, yellow light encircling it. "What do I do?" I whispered to the orb. My voice sounded like I was under water, gurgled and distorted. I couldn't think of what else to do, so I raised both of my hands and grabbed the orb.
The glass floor shook beneath my feet and began to crack rapidly. The ground fell away, yet I did not fall. Piercing white lights shone through the cracks and as pieces fell away quicker and quicker, the room became illuminated it pure, white light.
And then I found myself in my childhood bedroom. Nothing had changed, the bed was still unmade, as always, and my bookshelf still had my three favorite books missing, leaving three little black rectangles amongst the numerous other books on the shelf. I stepped over to the books and ran my finger along all the spines. Nostalgia trickled into my veins and took hold of my heart.
"Europa." A voice rang out, cutting my train of thought. It was my mother's voice. I turned my head to the doorway to confirm with my eyes and sure enough, there she was.
My mother had always been the most beautiful women in the world to me. She had thick, wild hair the color of freshly polished copper. A light dusting of freckles sprinkled across her high cheek bones and disappeared into her hairline. She was of average height for a woman with a full body that was strong, yet soft and demure. Her face had a heart shape, and a smile that made you feel like you were the only person in the world she loved.
People had often told me that I was the dark haired version of my mother. I had gotten my dark chocolate hair color from my father; it stretched all the way to my chest. But most of all, everyone always said I had my mother's eyes. Mine, just like hers, changed color at random. They went from being peppered with copper flakes upon a sea of forest green to almost a deep teal color with brown highlights peeking through.
Seeing her face made a deep sadness well up in my heart. I missed my mother more than words could describe. She was my entire world, my best friend, and my idol, and still was.
She walked over to me and sat on the bed. It dipped slightly at the newfound weight. "Honey, what are you doing here?" She asked, her voice velvety soft and as warm as a summer breeze. "What do you mean? This is my room. Why can't I be in here?" I asked, concerned. "Europa, look at yourself." I stared down at my hands and realized I wasn't a child this wasn't a dream. It only now just struck me that it would be impossible for me to be sitting here with my mother unless…
"Am I dead?" I asked quietly, looking down at my hands. Hers grabbed mine and she held them up to her mouth and gently kissed them. "No sweetie, but you could be. It's your choice." You were completely shocked at this answer. "If you get to choose whether you want to die or not, how much you and dad chose to die?" I blurted out. My mother smiled sadly. "We didn't get the choice, everything happened much too quickly." She looked away from me. "But you do. You could walk through that door and you'll be with your father and I again. Or..." she hesitated and looked back at me, a light sadness caressing her soft features, "...you can go back to the world of the living. It would seem you have some fairly important things to deal with right now." She said, a somber smile upon her lips. I wondered what she was referring to. "Like what?" I asked, glumly.
In all honesty, there was a huge part of me that wanted to walk through that door and be reunited with my parents for good; to have them by my side once again would make all of this pain I've been through disappear.
"Look at what you've accomplished. Was it all for naught?" She spoke honestly, and it really made me rethink your choice. You fidgeted with the edge of your shirt.
But then my thoughts strayed to Levi. And the regiment. And Hange. And humanity. And… and life. A life that just barely became manageable. A life that I now want to live.
"I have to go back." I stated simply. This time she put her hands on either side of my face. And looked at me, my eyes mirroring hers.
"Great things await you, Europa. I know they do. And we'll be together one day, you don't have to worry. Just go be the best 'you' you can be, and don't let anything get in the way of what you want. Be fierce, be bold, follow your gut, but always consider your heart. Know that dad and I love you very much and we're watching over you all the time." She kissed my forehead, stood up, and disappeared from sight.
The orange orb had taken her place and beckoned to me once more. I grabbed it and was instantly plunged into darkness.
My eyes crept open and were met with the ground moving rapidly beneath me. Something soft and warm was pressed against my chest and I realized it was a horse. There was also a slight pressure around my waist. I moved my arm slowly and carefully touched the object. An arm rested there, securing me to whoever was I was riding with. My hand dropped, the weight almost impossible for me to hold up. My eyes opened wider and I tried to sit up, but my efforts were to no avail.
A white hot pain shot through my whole leg and I moaned in pain. I had lost a lot of blood, but I held on to life with all of my might.
"Europa? Europa, are you awake?" The voice behind me called out. Something about that voice instantly boosted my energy. I tried to reply but the words wouldn't come.
Summoning my strength once again, I wrapped my hand around the hand that was holding me in place and squeezed it to let whoever it was know that I could hear them. Without skipping a beat, the hand squeezed back and held mine tightly. My heart swelled. It was Levi.
The swaying motion of the horse began to slow down until it came to a stop. Levi's arm unwrapped itself but gingerly rested on my back as he got off his horse. Still unable to move, he lifted me off of the horse and carried me into the house.
He set me down atop a bed and just stared at me. My eyes were at half mast but I stared right back. "What do I do?" He asked feebly, more to himself than to me. "Get...medkit...ask Hange..." I breathed out. He hesitated but left me alone to go find Hange.
The pain in my leg was excruciating.I had no idea if the bleeding had slowed any but I assumed it must have since I was still alive, although just barely. My pants and jacket were completely soaked through, staining everything they touched.
Even while laying down I felt like I was in freefall and the edges of my vision were coming increasingly more blurry. This wound needed to be closed or I would die, of that much I was certain. There wouldn't be a second chance. I closed my eyes and tried to focus my thoughts on something else.
My mother's face was still burned into my mind. She looked like she hadn't aged a day, but I figured that was only because my subconscious had no other memory of her any older than that. It had been years since I had lost my parents and to have seen her when I was on the brink of death made me begin to rethink my life.
I came to the conclusion that I wanted Levi. In every way, shape, and form. Everything else in my life was more or less perfect, aside from my current position, that is. I had made it out of the underground, became a doctor, helped countless lives, and now I was a member of the scouting legion, under Levi's command, no less.
I was never one to believe in fate, but it seemed too coincidental that I was reunited with Levi after all these years. There had to be a reason, I felt. If this much was true, I believe everything happens for a reason, but sometimes we don't find the answer to that reason immediately. To me, realizing that about life made it more bearable. Considering everything that's transpired between the two of us in the past week, I was beginning to believe that maybe it was me who needed to push things along, if I wanted any real answers from him. He clearly had no intentions of telling me anything and I couldn't just let something like this go.
Levi finally returned with Hange, medkit in tow. "Europa what the hell happened?!" Hange exclaimed. I cracked my eyes open. "Needle...sutures... Prop me... up." She did as instructed and handed me the materials which I took with shaky hands. "Undo...jacket...strap..." My breathing was beginning to grow more and more labored the more I spoke.
Pain radiated throughout my entire body as Hange undid the jacket. "Fucking shit." I whispered hoarsely. Once the gash was exposed to the air, I screamed in pain. All the nerve endings seethed in raw anguish and I felt tears stream from the corners of my eyes. My fist remains clenched, my knuckles turning white around the needle in my hand.
"Move over. I'll do it." Levi ordered out of nowhere. I heard Hange move over and felt Levi's presence next to me. My face was covered in sweat and my breathing was quick. The wound had started bleeding heavily again and I struggled to remain awake. "Europa, I need you to stay with me. " he said softly. His hands peeled back the fabric around the gash and gently as possible, but he had to move with urgency if he wanted to save me. "Talk to me." He spoke. "About what?" I said through gritted teeth. "Anything." His voice was calm and concentrated.
"Why...why did you... kiss me...?" I said. If it wasn't for the extreme amount of pain I were in, I would have been shocked by my own words. His hands faltered only for a second, clearly not expecting that question to come out of my mouth considering Hange was still in the room.
He was silent for a moment as he worked on my leg. He had applied a better tourniquet to the top of my thigh and had ordered Hange to come apply added pressure to my leg as well so he could stitch me up.
"Because it felt right." He finally answered. I was silent, and somewhat speechless. Then why did you avoid me? But just as I was about to speak again a new pain ravaged my body and I wailed out in anguish. I was breathing in huge gasps and tried to remain as still as possible. He stitched my gash up with steady, quick hands. I was reaching the peak of my pain tolerance and I felt myself slipping in and out of consciousness.
"Europa? Stay awake. I'm almost done. Keep talking." Levi urged. With every last ounce of energy I could muster I replied. "Then..why did..." I gritted my teeth and continued, "Why did you... act so cold...to me?" I gasped.
This time he was silent. He just continued to stitch my leg up. Hange coughed lightly, I had forgot she was even in the room. Clearly, she felt awkward about this exchange between the two of us. He finished the last stitch and pulled away from me, my body oddly longing for his touch. "Hange, could you please go grab something clean to wrap her leg up?" He asked quietly. I heard her get up and leave the room rather quickly.
An uncomfortable silence filled the room until Levi finally spoke.
"I don't know how to handle these emotions. I haven't felt anything like this in a long time." He mumbled. I kept my eyes closed, extreme fatigue was taking over my whole body. "I... I can't do this... If you..." I paused to catch my breath for a minute but the words got lost in my throat when Hange walked in. Levi remained silent and took the bandages from her. "Hange you can go, it's fine." Levi said. "Are you sure? Do you need anything else? Europa do you need anything?" She asked, genuine concern in her voice. I shook my head 'no'. My head felt like it was a thousand pounds as I struggled to shake it. "Okay. I'll check on you later." She said, no doubt wanting an explanation about my conversation with Levi. She turned on her heel and left, closing the door gently behind her.
Levi began wrapping my leg and I cried out in pain once again. Tears were streaming down my face and I struggled not to let out a pathetic whimper. Finally, the pain was too much to bare and I passed out without saying another word.
