A/N: Hello everyone! Ericana, Kurama-forever, .superman.is.my.lover., tyana: thanks for your reviews and I think you'll be glad to know there are four chapters left instead of three. This one turned out too long. So, I hope you enjoy it and let me know!

Dust of a Young Dream

Sirius was extremely guarded around me. He was so careful not to scare me that it nearly drove me insane. I knew I was acting completely irrationally, but I just couldn't stop myself. Whenever he was away – which happened more and more frequently – I needed him with me. When he did come to see me, I just wanted to get away from him. Dealing with what had happened to us took all of my strength. I could not handle Sirius's problems on top of that.

Despite my insistence to get out of that hospital, the Healers forced me to stay another two weeks. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs when they refused to let me go. I felt so caged and restless. Not to mention scared, although I refused to admit that. When they finally did discharge me, now five weeks ago, I stalked out of the ward without looking back. It might have seemed terribly rude and ungrateful, but I was simmering with anger because of the enforced lock-up.

I was grateful for Lily's support. She didn't know, but I had overheard her yelling at the Healer-in-charge – not such a smart thing to do for a Trainee Healer – for forcing me to stay.

"You'd think a Healer-in-charge would be a little more considerate!" she'd shouted. "Forcing a victim of rape! I'm surprised she didn't fly at your throat immediately, because I WOULD HAVE!"

Though any reference to what had happened made me cringe, I was relieved that at least one person understood what was going on inside my head.

I shifted on the sofa I was sitting on. In hiding. I had become one of the persons the Order had to protect. I now fully appreciated how difficult it was to be a person in hiding. To be scared every moment of the day, to jump at every strange sound, to never be alone… They did not allow me any time to brood. I scoffed. It probably said enough that I was referring to my friends as 'they'. I wanted nothing more than to sit in a corner and bask in my fury. I most certainly did not want to talk about it, which was what they wanted me to do.

Not everyone though. Sirius could not talk about it. We couldn't talk to each other either. There was this huge gulf between us and neither of us knew how to cross it. I realised that the painful awkwardness that existed between us when he came to visit hurt him, but I was at a loss as to how to fix that. I was so caught up in myself I doubt I even noticed half of his turmoil.

Remus tried to talk to us separately, but could not improve anything either.

And I, to be honest, all I could think about was getting revenge. I spent hours thinking on the most painful ways to kill everyone who had harmed me, Evan in particular. It was a very unhealthy way of coping, but it worked. Though I still shuddered with disgust every time Evan's name was mentioned, it did not cause the emotional upheaval that it did when I'd just come out of my coma.

Still, it was hard to look in the mirror. In spite of the Healers' reassurances that the scars on my face would not be permanent, they stared back at me in my reflection. Right in the middle of my forehead and on my bottom lip. The scar in my neck would probably never fade. My voice was still hoarse, although that did get better.

My guard entered the room. I sighed and looked up from the book I was pretending to read.

James smiled. "Do you want something to eat? 'Cause I'm starving."

I shook my head. "I'm not hungry."

His eyes slid over my figure. "Maybe you should try to eat something anyway."

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. I was fully aware of the fact that I looked like a scarecrow. My hair was dull and my skin greyish. But I did not need to be reminded of it. "No, thank you."

James nodded and went back into the kitchen. I glanced around the tiny living room, already regretting that I'd snapped at him. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And everybody was so bloody understanding! The urge to pick fights got the better of me every time someone said something to me. I just wished someone would take me on. But no, they just nodded and smiled indulgingly, pretending I hadn't said a thing. I wanted to scream. But I didn't. They were my friends.

The only guards I had were Remus, Pete, James, Lily, and Sirius. And Dumbledore. He wanted as little people as possible to know my whereabouts. I knew he still suspected there was a leak in the Order somewhere and wanted no more people to know where I was.

I was startled by the doorbell ringing. The sound of James's footsteps moved from the kitchen to the front door. "Who's there?" he asked gruffly. I had no doubt his wand was pointed at the door. I clutched my fingers around my own brand-new wand.

I heard the door open and two male voices mumbling something. Sirius appeared in the doorway. "Hi," he said.

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine," I answered automatically.

I cringed when I saw him nod dejectedly to himself as if he knew I was lying and not confiding in him. "Really, I am," I insisted.

Sirius gave me a strained smile. He did that a lot lately. He didn't buy my lies about how I felt. "Of course you are."

I felt guilty immediately. Merlin! Why does everything have to be so bloody hard?

He remained standing in the doorway. He hadn't been close to me – let alone touch me – since that day in the hospital when I had screamed at him. I missed him. I missed how things were between us. And yet, when I pictured him close to me again I panicked, freaked out even. It was too much. Just looking at him made that night replay itself in my head. When I saw Sirius, I saw Evan. I saw Lucius, my father, Voldemort, Severus. It was enough for me to want him out of my sight.

I was a wreck. And I refused to be helped.

Sirius cleared his throat. I realised I'd been staring at him. "I have some… good news," he said.

"What?"

"Rosier is dead."

My book fell to the floor. "What?" I repeated, thinking I had not heard him correctly.

"He's dead. Moody found him and he refused to come along, so he killed him," he explained.

"He's dead," I whispered. I closed my eyes. Everything would be fine now. I didn't have to fear the doorbell anymore. I didn't have to fear sleep anymore. I didn't have to fear looking out the window anymore. I would never have to see his face again. Everything would be fine now.


I couldn't have been more wrong. Things did not get any better. I still felt trapped inside myself and my hiding place; I couldn't deal with Sirius any better than before Evan's death; I was still scared all night…

To make matters even worse, my hiding place was discovered. I'd been oblivious to what was going on outside, caught up in my brooding, until I heard shouts outside. I grabbed my wand and peeked through the curtains. James was fending off two Death Eaters.

"Remus!" I screamed.

Remus hurtled downstairs. "What?"

"We've been found!" I gasped. I was so scared it seemed my muscles had turned into stone. The sight of the two figures in their billowing, black robes and white masks paralysed me. "No," I breathed, my voice somewhere between a sob and a groan.

Remus leaped towards the window and jerked the curtain aside. One of the Death Eaters noticed the movement and aimed his wand at the window. Both of us ducked but fortunately the charms stayed intact and warded the curse off.

"I have to help him," Remus said. "Run for it! Disapparate!"

He flew out of the door. I Apparated to the spot that Dumbledore had appointed in case anything went wrong and sent my Patronus to him. I waited for a long time in the tiny cottage, leaning against an old sofa with my legs drawn up against my chin, gripping my wand tightly. Cynically I wondered if this was how the rest of my life was going to turn out. A useless liability. Thanks to me the Order now had no idea what was going on inside Voldemort's ranks and still there was a leak.

"Niamh!" a concerned voice called. Sirius ran inside, his wand drawn.

"I'm here," I said.

"Thank Merlin," he breathed. "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine."

Something around his mouth tightened when I kept him at distance once again. Not that he tried to come closer. He was as torn as I was.

"Okay," he replied. "Let's go. I'm bringing you to a safe place."

I scrambled to my feet. "Where are we going?"

"Another house. Lily is already there. It was her idea."

"What idea?" I frowned. "Are James and Remus all right?"

"Yeah, they chased them away. Couldn't capture one of them though," Sirius answered. "Hold on, I'll Apparate us."

Such a short sentence it was, but it meant I would have to cross an abyss, or step off a precipice. Hold on.

Sirius realised it too. He held out his arm.

I stood frozen. I couldn't do this.

"I won't hurt you."

He spoke so softly I thought I'd misheard him. "I would never hurt you," he repeated. He kept his face expressionless, but I knew I had cut him deeply. Again.

What was wrong with me? This was the man I loved! Who loved me!

"Sorry," I mumbled. "I just… Sorry."

I took the few steps necessary to stand next to him and placed my hand on his arm. Sirius didn't say anything, but merely turned on the spot and Disapparated. The familiar feeling of being squeezed in a too tiny spot overcame me until I found my footing in a small garden. It seemed to be a backyard. Somewhere I could hear the sound of Muggle cars on a road and some children were playing nearby.

Sirius stepped away from me immediately. Though he did it out of consideration, I still felt abandoned. I scolded myself for being an unreasonable hag.

Lily waited for us in the kitchen. She did not ask how I was, for which I was thankful. "Did you have any trouble?" she asked instead, her eyes on Sirius. He shook his head.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"A Muggle house," Lily answered. Her eyes glittered triumphantly. "Voldemort will look for you everywhere, but he'll never expect you to become a Muggle."

I forgot to breathe for a moment. "You want me to live as a Muggle?"

"Yes."

"But I don't know the first thing about being a Muggle," I replied snappishly. "And how the hell did they find me in the first place?"

"We think they followed James," Sirius said. "He said he was almost at your house when he heard them."

I cursed under my breath.

"I thought it was a good idea," Lily mumbled.

My head shot up. "It is. It is a good idea, Lily. And you're right. They'll never look for me here. Mostly because they assume that I don't have a clue how the Muggle world works. Which is true."

Lily burst out laughing. "Well, that's what you have me for. I'll teach you."

"I'd better go," Sirius said. "Dumbledore will want a report. I'll put up the wards before I leave."

"Thanks, Sirius," Lily said. Her eyes were skipping between him and me, as if the tension between us was visible.

"Yeah, thanks," I nodded quickly.

He hurried out of the kitchen as if a manticore chased him.

Lily sighed. "Don't blame him. He's hurt too."

Oh Merlin. Oh Merlin. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry!

I blinked furiously, turning my back on her. I refused to cry – I couldn't cry. The last time I cried was when Evan was prevented from raping me a second time by the return of Voldemort. The memory of that was enough to dry all the tears in my eyes. "I know," I said to Lily. "I just… I have a lot on my mind and I can't deal with everything at once."

She was silent. For a moment I wondered why, until I realised I hadn't denied blaming Sirius. Did I blame him? As much as I blamed myself. And that was a lot. I groaned softly. My head was one big mess.

"I'll show you around," Lily said softly.

"Yeah, thanks." First things first.


I should've realised all hell would break loose eventually. So much pent up anger and hurt. Sirius nor I could hide from each other forever. And it was such a stupid reason to start a fight. Well, perhaps not. It was a huge part of our problems.

I'd been a week or two in my new hiding place, trying to live like a Muggle to fit in with my neighbours. I lived in an average neighbourhood, on an average street, with average neighbours. An elderly couple on my left and a young family on my right. The houses were small, but charming. I'd told my neighbours I'd been in a car accident, hence the scars. I hid the one on my neck under a shawl.

Old Mrs Vaughn had warned me about a large, black dog her husband had seen walking around. "He said it was quite a frightening looking dog," she'd whispered.

"I'm sure he's harmless," I'd smiled. "Just a stray."

So when Sirius came to visit me, I raised an eyebrow and said, "You're scaring the neighbours."

He didn't respond. It was so unlike him not to respond to my comments. It illustrated how bad things were between us. I saw him trying to decide whether I'd meant it in a funny or an angry way. He never used to have any problems reading me. I sighed.

"They'll get used to me," he shrugged. He was standing in the middle of the living room. He didn't sit down when I did and I didn't ask him to. To do that would be giving in to the awkward formality that had replaced the almost subconscious intimacy we used to have.

"So…" he began. "How've you been doing?"

I studied my hands. "Fine."

"For fuck's sake, Niamh!" he suddenly burst out.

My head jerked upwards in shock. I'd clearly missed the frustration that was now more than evident in his eyes.

"You're not fine!" he snapped. "You're anything but fine!"

"God, Sirius," I huffed. "What do you expect? You don't have to ask me every single time you see me, you know."

"Well, excuse me for caring about you," he drawled acidly.

"I said I was fine!" I replied angrily. "Can't we just leave it at that?"

"No, we can't!" he shouted. "We won't leave it at that!" He ran his hands through his hair. "Merlin, why won't you talk to me?" There was so much desperation in his voice.

"What's there to talk about?" I shrugged. "We both know what happened. No need to hark back."

Sirius began to pace the room. "You've locked yourself in your own tiny, little world and you refuse to let anyone in. I just want to help. Will you just tell me what I need to do?"

"Why?" I snarled viciously. "So you can feel better?"

Oh God. I regretted it the moment it left my mouth. Sirius took a step back as if I'd slapped him.

"So you do blame me," he deducted, strangely calm.

"I didn't say that," I denied weakly.

"Oh, you did," he scoffed. He shook his head.

I thought it was in disbelief. And so I made another mistake. "Well, you told me yourself you tried to take on eight Death Eaters."

"What the hell are you saying, Niamh?" he demanded, his voice rising in anger. "If you want to blame me, just do it properly and say it!"

Something snapped. "Fine! I will! Why the hell would you do that?" I screamed. "Eight! EIGHT! You knew the risks! I asked you not to take any risks after Caradoc died and you promised me! You're just too bloody stupid to be sensible. It doesn't always pay to be the hero, Sirius! Look what happened! Look what happened to me because of YOU!"

Sirius's face twisted. "Oh, yeah? How convenient that you forget that you KNEW something was wrong when I didn't answer your message!"

"What?"

"That's what you said to Remus, didn't you? That you were so concerned for me and sent messages to Lily, that you had a feeling something was off." He scoffed resentfully. "Didn't I ask the same of you, Niamh? To be careful, to not take risks when you thought something was wrong. I believe it was the very same night before all that shit happened. You seemed to have forgotten about it a whole lot sooner, haven't you?"

"That's…" I stuttered. "Are you saying it's my own fault?"

"Don't you twist my words," he growled. "I'm saying that you should look at yourself before you start blaming everyone around you!"

"I'm not blaming everyone!" I screamed at him. "I'm blaming you!"

Sirius's face was bright-red with anger. "I don't give a damn! How concerned you were…" he sneered. "Sure, but not enough to forget about your Death Eater meeting and find out where I was, were you? Ever thought about that? None of it would've happened if you'd done just that!"

I couldn't believe he'd just said that to me. "I hate you!" I hissed. "Get out of my sight!"

He took two steps towards me, fury in his eyes. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd stumbled backwards, breathing, "No!"

Sirius stopped dead in his tracks, his face turning an ashy white. He stared in shock at me.

I tried to regain some composure to hide the fear that had suddenly bubbled up. "Please just leave," I said through clenched teeth.

Sirius nodded bitterly. "Well, I guess we've got nothing more to say to each other, do we?"

I turned my back on him, cringing when the door slammed shut. I found that I could still cry.