A/N: .superman.is.my.lover., Strawberry Couture, Kurama-forever, Mara, Jennie, Sirael, Yoshikuni Asuka, albusbreaststroke and Domlando Blonaghan: Thanks for your great - albeit sad - reviews! Chapter 51 was a hard one to write and you let me know that the chappie worked. So thank you!
This is the last chapter in 1981 (but I'm not finished yet), let me know what you think!
Love, WoE
Flight
Sirius's flat
Remus smelled the alcohol the moment he stepped into his friend's flat. "Sirius?" he called. There was no answer. "Sirius, are you home?"
He heard the sound of something shattering in the kitchen, but no reply. Furrowing his brow and drawing his wand, he marched towards the sound and found Sirius sitting at the kitchen table, his arms folded on the table-top and his head resting on his arms. A half empty bottle of Firewhisky stood on the table, while another lay shattered on the tiles.
Sirius slowly lifted his head. "Hi there, Moony. Wanna join me?"
"Merlin's beard, you're completely trashed."
"Very perceptive of you," Sirius slurred. "What happened to the other bottle?"
"You dropped it."
"Ah well, at least it was empty. Would've been a waste if I'd dropped this one." He held said bottle up and took a swig, leaning back in his chair.
Remus sighed and pointed his wand at the mess on the floor. "Evanesco! Sirius, is there a reason why you're pissed as a newt? And shouldn't you be with Niamh tonight?"
Sirius gave a bitter bark-like laugh. "She doesn't want to see me anymore. Can't stand the sight of me." He swallowed, his face becoming even more miserable. "Not that I blame her." He laughed at his own choice of words. "But she does blame me."
"No, she doesn't," Remus said softly.
"She does! Told me so herself. Screamed it at me, in fact."
Remus sat himself at the kitchen table too and took the bottle out of Sirius's hand. "She didn't mean it that way."
"Really? So which part of 'I don't blame everyone, I blame you' did I misunderstand?" He jerked the bottle from Remus's grasp and downed half of the remaining content. "And what about 'look at what happened to me because of you'? Her meaning was pretty clear to me, but feel free to enlighten me."
"Listen, Sirius," Remus said gently. "Even if she did say all those things, I don't think she meant it that way. Maybe she was just angry. She told me herself that she felt guilty about going to that Death Eater meeting. And I told her you felt guilty about fighting those Death Eaters."
Sirius threw an arm in the air. "That's what I said."
"What did you say?" Remus demanded. Knowing Sirius's inflammable temper, he dreaded the answer.
"That she ought to look at her own actions before putting all the blame on me."
Remus gave a weary sigh. "I suppose she didn't take it too well?"
"No." Sirius slumped in his seat. "Merlin, I don't even know why I said that. Well, yes I do, because it's true. And it's my fault too." He leaned his elbows on the table. "I shouldn't have said it, but I was just so angry. She won't let me in; she won't let me help her. She doesn't even see me. Does she think it's been easy for me?"
"No, she doesn't."
Sirius's voice was hoarse with choked-back tears. "How am I supposed to live with the fact that I've done nothing while they raped her? That I let them – I should've protected her. That it only happened because they captured me? I might as well have raped her myself."
Remus cringed. "Don't say that."
Sirius stared at the bottle in his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to get himself under control. "Do you know what it feels like, Moony? Do you have any idea how it feels to see the woman you love cower from you? Because she's scared? She just looked at me with those big, blue eyes, afraid of me. God, Remus, it's killing me. And I can't reach her. I don't know what to do."
Remus put his hand on his friend's shoulder when he buried his head in his arms. "We'll figure something out. It just takes time."
Sirius remained silent, his face still hidden by his arms.
"Come on," Remus said, getting to his feet. "Let's get you to bed. You need to sleep it off." He pulled Sirius up and slung his arm around him. Sirius let him and leaned against his friend, too exhausted to put up a fight.
Remus managed to drag the larger wizard to his bed and dropped him on the covers. He took off Sirius's shoes and heaved his legs on the bed.
Sprawled out, Sirius groaned, "I don't feel so good, Moony."
Remus snorted. "I reckon you don't. I'll leave a bucket next to your bed and I'll bring you a Numbing Potion later for your hangover."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." Remus pulled the covers out from under Sirius's body and covered him with it.
"Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"What am I going to do?"
Remus hesitated, but Sirius didn't seem to wa
nt an answer. His eyes closed slowly as he slipped into an alcohol-induced sleep.
"I don't know, Sirius. I don't know."
Remus Flooed himself to Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts.
"Remus, wonderful to see you," the Headmaster said as his former pupil brushed some soot off his robes. "Care for a lemon drop?"
"No, thank you. I've come to talk to you about Niamh and Sirius."
"Ah, sit down. What happened?"
"How do you know something happened, sir?" Remus frowned.
"I knew something would eventually," Dumbledore said simply. "By the look on your face it just has."
"They had a fight," Remus sighed. "About who's to blame. From what I've heard from Sirius, they've said some awful things to each other. I found Sirius at home, with enough alcohol to kill a hippogriff. They're driving each other up the wall. I don't know how much longer they can hold on."
Dumbledore nodded. "And how are you?"
Remus blinked. "What's that got to do with it, sir? I've tried to talk to them. I know they both blame themselves, and since a few hours also each other." He rubbed his hands over his face. "Sirius asked me what he should do, but I – I have no idea. I don't know what to do. They're driving each other crazy."
Dumbledore leaned back in his chair.
"It's not fair!" Remus burst out. "They shouldn't have to deal with this. They should be able to have a normal marriage, without death and torture. They're too young for this. We're all too young for this."
Dumbledore looked at the distraught young man sitting opposite him. "I know, but age is of little consequence now. They need some time to come to terms with what happened."
"We don't have time. I know she hates it, but we can't leave Niamh alone. She needs to be guarded in case there's another attack."
"Exactly."
"What do you mean, sir?"
"I've talked to Niamh myself and she has told me it's very difficult for her to not be able to do anything. And from what you tell me, it is obvious that she needs some time to herself. She won't be able to heal when Sirius is so close around."
Remus's face fell. "Does she hate him that much?"
"No, she doesn't. But she needs to find a way to cope."
"And she can't do that with him around," Remus finished. "Not when he's around to remind her of their mistakes." He did not like it one bit, but something had to be done. "So, what do you suggest we do?"
Dumbledore carefully placed the tips of his fingers together. "I suggest we let her do what's she good at. Gathering information." He held up a hand when Remus began to protest. "Not here. It would be too dangerous for her to even leave her house. However, Niamh speaks perfect French and I happen to need wizards and witches to keep their eyes open abroad."
"You want to send Niamh to France?" Remus asked incredulously.
"For a while. Until they both get back on their feet. Maybe then they'll be able to help each other."
"Won't it just make it worse?"
"Can it get any worse?"
Remus grimaced. "Fair enough."
Dover
My heart was beating loudly in my chest. I was standing in front of something called a Departure Terminal. I was to go to France on a ferry, a Muggle ship. After all, I was pretending to be a Muggle.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I turned around to say goodbye.
"Be careful," Lily said. "And if you need advice on how to be a Muggle, just write to me."
"I will," I smiled and looked at the man next to her. "Remus, thanks for everything."
"You'll be fine," he said. I nodded.
James and Pete couldn't make it because of their jobs, but Sirius was there, standing a little to the left. We'd not talked much since our fight. We hadn't apologized either. Remus had told me Sirius didn't want me to leave. He hadn't said anything to me though.
"Bye," I whispered. I took in his tall figure, wearing jeans and a leather jacket, his hair too long. It hurt.
Sirius looked down at me and smiled, tucking his hands in his pockets. It was the same strained smile I'd seen every time since I woke up. Not a real smile.
"Good luck," he said. "We'll see you in a few months."
We'll see you… Not I'll see you. I scoffed inwardly at myself. That's your own fault.
"Yeah," I merely replied. "Be careful everyone."
I detected a flicker of disappointment in Sirius's eyes.
"Bye."
"Bye."
I picked up my bag and turned around, making my way to the Departure Terminal. I lost myself in a confusing swirl of thoughts. I finally felt like I could breathe a little, but I also felt like I was running away from my problems like a coward, leaving my friends to fight.
"Your ticket, miss," a Muggle woman in a uniform said.
I gave it to her. She smiled. "Have a pleasant journey."
"Thank you," I choked out. I walked on. Had I turned my head, I would've seen Sirius staring after me.
I spent two months in Paris to establish some contacts. During the summer I went to Bordeaux and Nantes, doing the same. Dumbledore had provided me with some names, which were my starting point.
Now, in the fall, I returned to Paris and worked from there. I still lived in the Muggle world as much as I could. It seemed to work. I'd not been attacked once. Their bigotry prevented pure-bloods from fathoming the idea of a pure-blood witch living as a Muggle voluntarily. It had taken quite some getting used to and I still found myself reaching for my wand whenever I was doing chores around my flat, but all in all it was not too bad.
I didn't hear much from my friends. All mail was sent via the Muggle post. I sent my letters to an address in Sussex and I had several addresses in several cities. I knew all mail meant for me first went to Dumbledore, who sent it to me. He was the only one who knew where I was.
I'd deducted from that fact and the letters I received from Lily that someone very close to us was leaking information. Lily had written to me that she and James and Harry were going into hiding. They'd already changed address thrice.
I hadn't heard from them in a while now though. I didn't think anything was wrong – Dumbledore would've told me.
I'd received letters from Sirius too, full of wishes that I was doing okay. I was. I was doing better. I'd desperately needed some air to breathe and something to do to take my mind off everything that had happened. Remus had written too, long letters in a meticulous handwriting, telling me everything that was going on. Hadn't heard from him in a while too though.
Hence my surprise when I saw him suddenly sitting on my doorstep when I returned from investigating a rumour one afternoon at the start of November. How did he know where I lived?
"Remus?" I asked surprised, walking towards him. He held his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. I gasped when he looked up. "Merlin, you look horrible."
"Thanks," he said wryly. His hair was unkempt, his tie askew, and his robes were not buttoned up. His face was worn and there were shadows under his eyes that were as black as ink.
Quickly I glanced around. My Muggle neighbours would certainly raise a few eyebrows at the strangely clad man. Why was he here anyway? I asked him. The sigh that left him was the most weary I'd ever heard. "We should get inside first."
I was really beginning to get worried. "Is everything all right? Did something happen to Sirius?"
Remus's face twisted. "Inside. I can't –" he choked. "I can't tell you out here."
Nervously I rummaged through my purse in search of my keys. With shaking hands in opened the door and ushered him inside. "Tell me what happened," I demanded as soon as I'd closed the door.
He looked at me in desperation. "James and Lily are dead."
"Wh – what did you say?"
"They're dead. Voldemort killed them."
I stared at him. I said the only thing I could think of. "Are you certain?"
"Yes, Niamh, for Merlin's sake! Their house is completely destroyed. Harry is –"
"Oh my God, Harry!" I shrieked. "Not him. He's just a baby!"
"Harry is alive," Remus assured me. "It's all very strange, but somehow he survived Avada Kedavra. Voldemort is gone. Harry destroyed him."
"Voldemort is gone? How's that possible?" I breathed. "Is – is Harry okay?"
"Yeah, just a cut on his forehead. He's with his aunt and uncle now. They're going to take care of him."
"What do you mean?" I frowned. "I'm his godmother. And Sirius his godfather."
Again that strangely contorted look when I mentioned Sirius's name. Suddenly it clicked. "Merlin, what happened to Sirius?" I moaned. "Not him too."
"No," Remus denied. "Not Sirius. Pete is dead." He plummeted onto my sofa. "I'm so sorry, Niamh. I can't begin to tell you – I'm so sorry."
"Sorry for what?" I screamed. "What the hell happened, Remus?"
"Sirius killed Pete."
My mouth snapped shut. "Don't be ridiculous! Pete is one of his best friends. You're not making any sense!"
"Sirius sold Lily and James to Voldemort, Niamh!" Remus shouted raggedly. "He betrayed us all!"
"Have you completely lost your mind?" I shouted back. "Sirius would never – he hates – you know how much he hates Voldemort. Why are you doing this, Remus?"
"Because it's true. Sirius is the spy."
My lip began to tremble. "No, he's not."
"James and Lily only told Sirius where they were hiding. They used the Fidelius Charm. A week later they were dead, the Charm was lifted, and Sirius was on the run. Pete went after him – stupid idiot, he knew Sirius was so much more powerful. Sirius killed him in a street full of Muggles. Along with twelve other people. He's in Azkaban now."
I could hear my own breathing, unnaturally fast. "No," I said. "No. It's just – no. No. Sirius would never – he loves James as a brother. Harry is his godson. Pete is his friend."
"He fooled us all," Remus sighed. His shoulders were hunched like those of a broken man.
"No." I could not believe this. "No, listen for a moment, Remus. There must be some sort of mistake. This is Sirius we're talking about. You can't just believe that he would do that."
"Niamh," Remus began wearily. "Don't you think I've thought of every possibility already? He was their Secret-Keeper. He was the only who knew, the only one who could tell Voldemort. And he did it."
"NO!" I shouted.
"He was their Secret-Keeper!" he bellowed at me. "He killed Pete and twelve Muggles! My God, all they could find of Pete was his finger. His finger! Sirius blew up an entire street! There are dozens of witnesses!"
"He couldn't have," I choked. "Why would he – are you sure, Remus?"
His voice broke. "Yes, Niamh, I'm sure."
I clasped my hand in front of my mouth, staggering backwards into my table. Wildly I felt around me for a chair and lowered myself onto it, trying to grasp the things that Remus had just told me. I searched for loopholes, but there were none. Sirius was the Secret-Keeper, Lily and James were dead. Sirius had betrayed them. He'd killed Pete in front of witnesses. There was no way around it, Sirius was in league with Voldemort.
I could feel the hairs on my arms rise when the inevitable conclusion hit me. "What about – what about me?"
Remus didn't dare to look at me.
"Remus!" I snapped. "What about me? What about what happened to me?"
He closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. Dumbledore suspected that someone had been a spy for almost a year. Gideon and Fabian, Dorcas, Edgar Bones, Henry Fairburn… Benjy."
Benjy Fenwick had died two months ago. In a rather morbid letter Sirius had told me they had only found bits of him.
"And that spy was Sirius. So Dumbledore thinks…" I said, holding back a sob, "that Sirius was captured on purpose? To lure me out?"
Remus stared at his hands. "It would've been the only way to make you expose yourself, wouldn't it? If you'd just been interrogated, you would have defended yourself with Occlumency."
"Y – Yes, but…" I stuttered. "The way he reacted – and after I left St Mungo's…"
"You were not supposed to survive," Remus interrupted me. "He had to make a show."
"No, that was no show. Sirius hates Evan. He would never have let him – he just wouldn't."
"But that's what he did, didn't he?"
"No, he didn't," I choked. "He'd never. He loves me. He married me, for Merlin's sake! You've known him for ten years, Remus!"
"Don't you think I know that!" he shouted at me, jumping to his feet. "But he did it! I don't know why and I don't know since when, but he did it! He gave a one-year-old child to Voldemort to have him killed and he handed you over as well! He betrayed all of us!" He whirled around and stared out of the window, running his hands through his hair.
I still sat in my chair, my hands limply lying in my lap, staring at Remus's back. I was lost. During my time in France I had managed to glue together some of the shards of who I was before I was attacked. It felt as if everything I had accomplished was suddenly thrown on the ground and stamped to ruin. Not by just someone, but by the wizard who was supposed to love me. Who I loved. I feared the pieces were too small to pick up this time.
Shell-shocked, shaken to my core, dumbfounded… It's hard to describe what I was feeling. It was almost surreal.
An absolute silence except for our breathing filled my living room.
My mind was no help at all. Sirius betrayed every loved one he had. He's a traitor. He killed thirteen people. He's a murderer.
How appropriate. I let out a hysterical shriek of laughter, making Remus turn around in shock. I chortled at him. "One murderer married to another. Fitting, isn't it?"
"You are not a murderer, Niamh!" Remus said, aghast.
"You know I am," I replied calmly.
"That's completely different. You had to in order to save others."
I gave another snort, less calm now. "I can't help but feel that this is some whim of fate." I looked at my hands, which were shaking.
Sirius is the reason James, Lily, and Peter are dead. He killed them, he betrayed them, he betrayed me. He gave to me to Voldemort, to Evan.
"Oh God," I moaned and burst into tears. "I think I'm losing my mind, Remus."
Remus walked towards me and squatted in front of my chair. "Niamh," he soothed, his own voice strangely strangled. Hesitantly he took my hands and waited for my reaction.
"Niamh," he said again.
What else could he say? That everything would be fine? Nothing would ever be fine again. What had once been a tight group of friends was ripped apart by torture, betrayal and death, the ones who'd survived left scarred and broken.
Sobbing I slid off my chair and leaned against Remus, who tentatively wrapped his arms around me and rocked me to and fro. I clung to his robes, soaking the fabric. "S – sorry," I hiccoughed.
"Don't be," he replied hoarsely.
Finally I regained some control over myself and I pulled back. Remus's eyes were suspiciously red. "Come home with me," he said. "Lily and James's funeral is tomorrow morning and there is a service for Pete the day after."
I shook my head. "I can't."
"I know it won't be easy, but –"
"You don't understand. I'm their murderer's wife," I breathed appalled. "I can't go."
"You're their friend, Harry's godmother," Remus insisted. "You have to be there. What Sirius did – you are not responsible for his actions. Don't you want to say goodbye?"
I nodded reluctantly. "I do."
I lived through the funeral in a trance. Lily's sister and her husband had brought Harry. Remus had to steady me with a hand on my elbow, to prevent me from collapsing. Little Harry, with tuffs of black hair sticking out from his head no matter how often his aunt tried to flatten it. It was as if Lily was staring at me through her son's eyes. Lily, who had died to protect her son.
Dumbledore had explained me about some sort of magical protection provided by his family's blood, but I hardly listened. I could only stare at the little boy. My godson, whose godfather had sold him to his master. The master I'd pretended to serve. My eyelids fell shut at this atrociousness. I felt the stares of those who attended the funeral. The people who frowned in confusion at my presence. I could hear the whispers. Though silent, the Aurors were a thousand times worse. Their pity cut me like a knife. They knew what had been done to me. They knew who had been the cause of it.
Blindly I staggered out of the graveyard after the ceremony was finished. I didn't wait for Remus; I didn't say goodbye to Harry. I just had to get out of there. I could feel the scar on my neck constricting, suffocating me. The stares were suffocating me. Enough was enough. Harry had a home and would be protected. I could not stay another moment in that world. The world which had taken everything from me. Whose inhabitants would always stare at me.
Somehow I managed to Apparate to Paris without splinching myself. I don't think I had any idea of what I was doing. I packed my bags and shrank them. After sliding my keys under my landlord's door, I Apparated to my flat in Bordeaux.
There I enlarged my baggage again. The feeling of the smooth wood in my hand disgusted me. Too much harm was done with magic. I stuffed my wand in a trunk with an angry growl. I stumbled outside, dragging my bags and trunk along. I hailed a taxi.
"Gare St Jean, s'il vous plait," I said.
The taxi-driver dropped me off at the train station. I bought a map and a ticket to Pau in the deep south of Aquitaine. From there I made my way to the Pyrenees. In a small village I asked around for an available room and a job.
"Bonjour," an old man greeted me. "Je m'appelle Pierre Saubert. You said you were looking for a job?"
