CHAPTER FOUR

"Madam, is your husband. He… He is awake."

"What?"

A broken gasp leaves her mouth and she can't speak anything else.

§

They hurry along the corridor with steady steps, diverting from the people on their way. He is finally awake.

For a moment, a little concern crosses Regina's mind. What if he thinks that I have left? What if he is imagining crazy stuff like I have already given up on him? She can't let him have any of these false assumptions.

Regina pretty much hasn't left his room all these days, and in the moment that she decides to breathe some fresh air, he wakes up. She is mentally beating herself up because of her negligence – as she thinks in her mind – Even though being in that room all the time, pacing and crying, was making her crazy.

So, she needs to get to his room as soon as possible. She needs to show him that she's here, has been all this time, day and night. She has to tell him that she did not give up on him, he has to know that. She needs to let him know that she would never leave him, no matter what.

But the truth is that, deep down, she's sure he knows it and this urgency is more to calm her own nerves than to ensure him. And she can't help but think about that beautiful smile of his and how much she misses it. Of those gorgeous blue eyes that she loves so much and she has spent the last few horrible days praying she would be able to see again.

Her heart begins to pulse with joy because of the expectation of the good things that are to come when she enters that room. They are going to be able to put these horrifying days behind them and keep living their happy lives, with their kids, all together. She has a smile on her face and the feeling that she is coming back to life.

By this time, they were able to reach the elevator and she hits the up button. Regina simply inhales deeply through her nose. Almost there! She thinks.

But the elevator is not coming. She hits the button again and waits two seconds. Then she tries one more time, but the doors don't open. The tapping of her foot begin almost immediately as she still waits for the elevator to open its doors, but the wait is killing her.

After a few moments, she comes to a conclusion: She can't wait any longer. So, she takes the stairs, leaving both her mother in law and the intern standing there. It isn't unquestionably faster, but she just couldn't stay there any longer, she needs to be doing something, she needs to keep moving.

She is hurrying in a light jog down the hallway in the third floor now, but then she stops for a second and walks slowly. She is breathless and a little sweaty by the time she manages to reach the corner next to Robin's room and she needs a moment regain her composure, not that he will care – But she will.

After straitening herself, she starts walking again, this time trying to be more calm, but still with purpose, until she reaches the door that is separating them.

She doesn't think. She grabs the knob and pushes the door open. The view in front of her is wonderful. There he is, sitting on the bed and with his eyes open.

He turns his head toward her the moment she walks in and their eyes meet for the first time after all these days. Regina still has the same smile on her face and she takes a deep breath as she walks to his side at the bed. How happy she is to see him awake again. Her doesn't wait for him to say anything, doesn't say anything herself as well; she only puts her hand on his jaw and crushes her lips onto his in a searing kiss, too desperate and longing.

It must come as a surprise for Robin, because he tries to recede and he doesn't answer the kiss. Regina doesn't care though. She is too wrapped up in all of the emotions inside her to even realize it.

When she finally lets his mouth go, Robin is still staring at her with wide eyes. He arches his eyebrows and meets her gaze in a way that makes her heart start beating slightly faster. His silence and lack of response finally getting noticed by her, which makes her back off a little bit, creating a space between the bed and her.

He eyes her and Regina tenses, but she decides to let him take the first step this time. His eyes rake her body and then go back to her face, his frown getting deeper with every passing second, making her suddenly regret coming in in such a rush. He seems odd, but maybe it's just a side effect from all the drugs they put into his system during these days and he just need some time to come back from his high or for his brain to process everything.

After a few minutes, that felt more like a life time, Robin decides to blurt his first words: "I'm sorry. Who are you?"

"What?" Regina's eyes are wide open with surprise

"Who are you?" He repeats and she is suddenly stunned and with her mouth dropped open. She fails to find her voice, but inside her mind she is screaming what? What? What? Over and over again.

Her mother in law and that intern choose this very moment to enter the room and they both stop dead at the door when they see the scene in front of them. No one dare to say a word while Regina and Robin keep staring at each other. Regina opens her mouth, and then closes it again. What can she possibly say after that?

Finally, Robin's mother walks to where Regina is standing and squeezes her hand, if it's for support or because she is also afraid of what is happening, Regina doesn't know, but she welcomes it. Robin flicks his eyes in the direction of this new person standing in front of him and after a couple of seconds, he says in a barely audible sound "Mom?"

And for the first time since he has woken up, Regina can see some sort of emotion on his face besides confusion. His mother smiles sweetly and Regina can feel the loss of warmth when she lets her hand go so she can hug her son.

Regina stands there for a moment, helpless, hopeless, staring blankly at the scene that is taking place, her eyes filling with tears, her stomach churning and mind racing with everything that is happening. He doesn't know who I am. He doesn't remember me. He doesn't remember anything about us. How? Why? Haven't I suffered enough already? Is this truly happening?

"Honey, don't you remember Regina, your wife?" She hears his mother voice next to her.

"My wife?" He answers in surprise "I have a wife? I think you are mistaken. I don't have a wife; I'm too young to be married already. I'm sorry... Mom?" He says then looking at her but as if asking for confirmation from his mother. It hurts; it's like a stab in her heart. But she can see the confusion back in his face and something must be wrong. Something went wrong in that surgery. She might have lost him for ever after all. Oh God…

She thinks she won't be able to hold any longer, so she gives him a slight nod and says "I… I'll give you two some space. I'll be outside if you need me." And with that she storms out of the room. She doesn't know where she is going but she needs to get out of there.

She stops down the hall, her heart is racing and she doesn't know what to do. So she puts her hands on her face and let the tears fall. She starts sobbing right there, in the middle of the corridor. When she thinks that she is finally getting through the hardest part, she realizes the worst is yet to come. She is lost. And she doesn't know how she can possibly deal with this situation.

She feels a light touch on her shoulder and when she looks up, she is met with Robin's doctor.

"Madam, I was trying to reach you on your phone so we could talk before you got into his room. But it seems like my intern found you first and - "

"I don't have my phone with me. I left it at the room." She cuts him while wiping her face.

"I see. Look, your husband suffered a big trauma and he is experiencing an episode of amnesia, which is – unfortunately – common in these cases. What we don't know yet is if these episodes are only temporary or if it's going to be a permanent damage, but it's an important moment and he will need you by his side. He needs you to help him remember, you are a crucial part right now. I know it's hard, but you spent the last days fighting all of us, fighting for him and now he is back. Don't give up now."

"I… I know. I won't. It's just… It hurts. He doesn't remember me."

"Yes… He thinks we are in England. He doesn't remember coming to live in the States and I believe he doesn't remember anything that happened since he moved. It won't be easy, but he will need your help to remember."

"Oh, God… What if he doesn't?"

"Let's take one step at a time, ok? It's a lot to take in and he has been out for a few days, so… Let's take baby steps"

"Ok" it's all she can say.

They walk back to Robin's room, but she doesn't get in this time. She watches through the glass window as the doctor goes in to check on his patient. She watches as he talks to his mother and as he becomes surprised and then angry. His mother gives him a pocket mirror and after he looks at his reflection, he is shocked. He doesn't remember anything from his adult life, nor from high school. It's like she has never been in his life. He doesn't remember pretty much his whole life. That must be scary for him, so she thinks it's better to give him time right now, the last thing he needs right now is a desperate wife throwing herself on him and begging him to remember. And even if she really needs her husband right now, he needs her more, even if he doesn't know. There is a lot going on, a lot for him to take in and adjust. At least he is alive. Everything else, they will solve later.

§

Regina has been restless in the days that followed. After the shock has passed for both of them, they sat together and talked. She told him about the kids among other stories about themselves. They seemed to feel sort of confortable around each other despite everything, but it was like dealing with a much younger version of Robin. And not only that. That…She could handle that. But the way he looked at her… It was strange. She kept searching for those eyes full of love, passion and adoration that used to give her so much comfort, but all she got were looks void of pretty much any emotion. That terrified her more than she was willing to admit.

Every time Regina left his room, she would feel a tug in her heart, a sadness taking over her, because she had tried again and he hadn't remembered anything. The days were passing and it was hard to keep hoping. She was trying to push those feeling away from her mind and would take whatever he was willing to give her, but it was hard. And the worst part was that he wasn't demonstrating too much of interest in wanting to remember anything. He would sit with her and go through the pictures, letters or whatever she had brought with her for a while, but after some time he would make some excuse, such as go to the restroom or being too tired, to get rid of her.

Friends have come by to visit every day. Robin wouldn't remember them either, but they would stay and talk anyway. They would tell funny stories and even laugh together, but there wasn't a real connection with anybody other than his parents. They kept coming anyway, not only for him, but for Regina as well. They were there for both of them. They could see how hard that was for her, how she would put a brave face and push all her feelings aside. She would smile and explain things to him whenever he looked confused, but whoever knew her well enough could see right through it, could see the hurt and the fear in her eyes.

Today isn't any different. Regina brought some pictures from high school to show Robin, pictures of them together and some with friends, maybe seeing them younger would help. But he hasn't shown much interest in it and after a few minutes of her trying to go through them, he said he was feeling tired and needed some rest, leaving a very frustrated and sad Regina sitting by herself in the cafeteria looking at old photos. There is where Emma Swan finds her.

"There you are!" Emma says loudly

"Here I am" Regina answers without lifting her head. Truth to be told she is not really in the mood for any company, but this is Emma and she won't leave her alone until she has what she wants.

"Hey… How are you holding up?" Emma asks as she finds herself a seat in front of Regina.

"How do you think?" Regina snaps at her but after a couple of seconds, she regrets her manners and answers properly "I'm frustrated, sad and… scared"

"You are not alone. You know that, right?" Emma reinforced, earning only a nod from Regina.

Their friendship is one of the most valuable things to Regina. They have always been strong, powerful and smart women, but with completely different qualities that, from time to time, tend to clash to each other and bring some sort of tension around them. It all started in school with them hating each other and making everyone feel uneasy around them, but at some point they got over their differences and become friends. Though it is unlikely for them to be the kind that spend hours gossiping and showing too much affection towards the other, they are truly friends and they are there when the other is in need. That's why Emma decided to push aside the fact that she hates playing the cheerful and full of hope type of friend and is here right now, trying to help Regina.

"Why don't we call it for today, go to my place and get blind drunk like old times?" Emma tries

"I don't know… I shouldn't leave him… And I'm not in the mood for drinks. It will be a disaster." Regina answers, looking at Emma for the first time.

"Regina. Listen to me. You need to give him some space. Hovering over him 24 hours a day won't do any good, to any of you. Besides, you need a break as well, you know? Something that will make you relax a little." Emma talks back to her

"Emma - "

"No. Really, no excuses. I won't take no from you today"

Regina huffs, clearly annoyed at Emma already, it's actually quite incredible how fast she is able to make Regina get irritated. But Regina also knows she won't be able to get rid of her, so she puts all her pictures together and gets up, following Emma.

And, deep down, she knows Emma is right. It won't make her any good to stay here, going down memory lane by herself. Besides, there is nothing else she can do here right now… Robin is resting and, even if he wasn't, he doesn't want to go over the past he doesn't remember today.

Tomorrow though, it would be a new day and she'll try again, maybe he will be willing to strive more and remembers something then.

§

The night away from the hospital was a good idea after all. Emma is a great company, never pushing too much and avoiding any heart to heart talk. It was actually what Regina needed right now; just spend some time with a friend that know her more than she know herself, talk about amenities, try to relax and forget about the problems in real life. They even manage to drink like adults for once which, turns out, was great for Regina, she was able to sleep well for the first day in weeks and really get some rest.

She woke up feeling recharged and ready to face the problem at hand. Regina decided to focus only on the family memories today; she even considered taking the kids to visit their father, but quickly changed her mind, not wanting to put her sons in any unnecessary stress. So, she stopped at home to grab a few things that would help Robin remember something from his life.

Regina focused on the kids instead of their relationship. She picked some drawing, some photos and some gifts made by Henry and Roland. Everything was simple but very special for Robin before the accident. She put all the items in a box and headed to the hospital with a confident feeling.

As soon as she gets to Robin's room, she notices he isn't in his bed as usual, instead he is seating in the armchair with a distant look on his face. She hasn't decided if this is a good sign or a bad one, so she takes a deep breath and says in her most cheerful tone ever

"Hey! Good morning" Her smile is genuine and she is honestly trying to be hopeful, despite the fear that is running inside her.

"Hi. You weren't here early this morning" Robin answers in a serious tone

"Yes… I left yesterday with Emma. And this morning I went home to collect some things to show you. If you are up for, of course." Regina says putting the box she brought on the bed. She can't ignore the rush of emotions going through her body at the fact that he acknowledged her absence, but she keeps her feelings to herself and keeps up with her mask.

"Oh, Ok. Look… We need to talk"

And just like that her heart starts beating fast. Oh, God… Does he remember something? Or is he trying to give her an excuse already?

"Ok…" She answers, while crossing her arms in front of her as if she is protecting herself for whatever is coming.

"So… As you might know, I'll be discharged later today." Robin starts, but stops waiting for any sign of approval from Regina to keep talking, which she gives him in a form of a slight nod.

"And I think it's best if I go home with my parents" He adds then

"You mean…" Confusion clearly in Regina's face. What does that mean?

"I mean, I will be staying in my parents' house." He explains calmly to her

"For how long?" Regina wasn't expecting this. Not at all. But she holds her mask and doesn't show the surprise. Maybe he needs some time; maybe he needs to go slowly. Baby steps, remember?

"I don't know." He answers and then adds "Honestly… As long as it takes me to remember something about my life."

Ok… Fair enough. Baby steps then. She thinks

"Ok. I'll stop by every day and we can work on it. I'll take the kids as well, they miss you." She is hurt. Of course she is, but she understands. It must be hard for him. He doesn't remember anything; perhaps being with his parents will give him some sort comfort right now and it will help make things easier for him. Once again, she pushes all her feeling aside and focus only on him. She can handle this arrangement for a while; she has a great relationship with his parents, so it won't be a problem being around.

They stay in silence for a few seconds. But then Regina tries to change the topic, as if what he has just told her isn't a big deal and as if she's not hurt.

"So… about this box – " But as soon as she starts reaching for the box, she feels Robin's hand on her and he cuts her.

"Regina."

She stops and looks at him. He still has his hands on her arm and they stare at each other for a while until Robin realizes she hasn't move since he grabbed her. Clearing his throat, he recedes and lets her arm go before start speaking.

"What I mean by that is I need you to back off. I don't really know if these whole remembering exercises are doing me any good. Or doing you any good. It is clear that my brain has suffered permanent damage and I might never remember anything."

"Robin…"

"The thing is… The way you talk about us, it feels too much. I mean… It seems that the love that we shared was huge, like we were soul mates. Like I loved you to the moon and back, and you loved me the same way."

"Yes… It was. It was everything. And I still feel the same."

"Exactly. You know how it was and you still feel it. But I don't. And it feels like a really big responsibility for me. I can't give you what you expect me to give, sorry."

Regina can't say anything after his speech. Her vision is blurred with tears and she is trying very hard not to let them fall down. She could never imagine he would ever say this to her. She can't move, can't breathe either. She knows he doesn't remember their relationship and thus he can't love her right now, but hearing it from his lips, hearing that he thinks it's too much… It hurts more that she could ever imagine.

"But… - "

"Look, you seem like an incredible woman. And you are beautiful, that's unquestionable. I'm sure you will find someone that will make you happy again. I'm sorry, but I can't be this guy anymore."

She couldn't take it anymore. Tears start falling down on her face. She turns from Robin then, trying to hide from him how hurt she is feeling right now.

You don't understand… Find happiness with someone else? You are my happiness, you are my everything. I found everything I ever wanted with you. I… What are you doing Regina? Don't fall apart right now, be strong. It hurts; of course it does, but be strong. You are strong.

Robin doesn't move, he can feel the storm that is going through her mind and the best thing he can do after all he just said is give her some time, and so he does. He is feeling like the worst guy in the world right now, but he is being honest. He knows he won't remember a thing from his life anymore, days have passed by and there were no change, none. Besides, this routine, these exercises and these trips to memory lane are only making him stressed, frustrated and feeling like his life – and hers – has stopped. He wants to move on from this sadness and daily drama, he wants to go back to live his life. Selfish or not, he needs this now or he will go crazy, more than he already feels.

It takes Regina a couple of minutes to recompose herself, to contain her sobs and the trembling that is going through her body, but she finally manages. When she does, she takes a deep breath and faces Robin again, but she can't find in herself to meet his eyes. Trying to ignore all her feeling for the thousandth time, she whispers:

"What… What about the kids? What should I tell them?"

"The kids… They are my kids; I have to take responsibility at least in that. I talked to my mom and she will help me with that. Don't worry; I'm not a completely jerk. I will fulfill my duties as their father."

Regina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. At least the kids won't suffer as much as she is right now. She answers with a nod and says:

"Ok. I… I think I should go now. There is nothing else left to say." And she finally looks at him. Robin nods. When she looks into his eyes, her tears start falling down once again and she won't be able to hold this time, so she let them fall freely.

"Bye Robin" She whispers and leaves the room without waiting for his answer, closing the door behind her and leaving the box long forgotten on the bed.