A smaller crowd gathered around the school's gate, some students still admiring the Zoldycks' car, but more and more kids looking on curiously, waiting for something to happen. Killua still tried to regulate his heart rate and breathing, a single sweat drop already rolling down his cheek.
"Brother," he finally croaked, nodding stiffly to the person in front of him.
"Thank goodness, I thought you don't want to talk to me anymore!" Illumi clapped his hands together, his voice concerned. "It's such a shame that my university is so far away, don't you think? We barely see each other, I'm sure you miss me too!" He shook his head, then something resembling a smile appeared on his face. "But I'm glad, you look well!"
Killua gritted his teeth – if he looked well (which he surely didn't in that moment), it was because he didn't see Illumi too often anymore, but his brother always seemed to ignore that fact. He really hated it when his brother acted like this – pretending he is happy or worried about something even though he wasn't – it felt so fake, so sickening. Not to mention Illumi's behaviours towards him: showing the outside world that he is a nice, caring older brother (and maybe he himself believed this as well), when, in reality, those hands of his could reach out any moment, and pull, yank, slap, hurt... Killua took a deep breath in the hope he could mask the shiver with it.
"Why are you here?" He asked instead of reacting to his brother's previous words. "Isn't your semester break later?"
"It is indeed later," Illumi agreed, his voice dropping, expression darkening, the atmosphere changing around him. "Mother called me yesterday"
Killua's eyes fell shut, his stomach churned. Of course, he should have known...
"She was very upset," his brother went on, eyes narrowing, "I hope you didn't..."
"No!" Killua cut him off, the was no need for his schoolmates to know about that. "Nothing happened."
"Good," Illumi seemed to be satishfied with the response he got, but only temporarily, as his expression changed again. "But I have to say, I'm really disappointed, Killu. This is exactly why we didn't wanted you to attend this school. We told you so many times, didn't we? We are an elite family, you shouldn't even care about these..." his voice trailing off, mouth twitching to a despising grimace as his eyes wandered to the bystanders, "...people. This isn't how Father and I raised you."
Killua didn't have to look around to know the reaction his brother's words warranted. If he himself was disgusted by this elitist crap, he couldn't even imagine how the adressed felt. The air was heavy, heavier than before, it was hard to breath.
"But I want to..." His voice cracked mid-sentence, making him stop.
"What?" Illumi raised an eyebrow in question.
"I want to make friends!" Killua said in one go, not daring to look at his brother.
"You don't," his brother's voice grew colder, tone more threatening.
"I do!" Killua shouted, stomping with his foot, desperate to emphazise his point. "I have enough of this stuck-up nonsense! I want..." taking a deep breath he looked his brother in the eye, "...I want to become friends with Gon and play normally!"
"Really?" Illumi looked at him indifferently, but there was a hint of taunt in his voice. "Is this Gon even worthy of your friendship, or is he just some commoner? The latter, right?" He smirked at Killua, not hiding the mockery in his words as he went on. "Let me tell you something! This Gon is just some troublemaker, while you're an elite, a Zoldyck. You're better than him. You don't really want to become friends with him, you're just enjoying, that you're superior to him, that's all."
Killua wanted to protest, to tell Illumi that this wasn't true, but the ridiculousness of this statement left him speechless for a moment. There was no way, Illumi was right...! Sure, he often called Gon an idiot, but he never meant any harm by it, and, to be honest, his friend was a big goofball. Still, that didn't mean he thought he is superior to Gon, right?
"You're thinking hard about this aren't you?" Illumi's mocking voice snapped him out of his thoughts. "Your expression says, I'm correct."
"That's not true!" Killua yelled, his stomach twisting in panic. Some of his schoolmates left, but there were still plenty of students, who listened to this conversation. If it would reach Gon's ears, that he only hangs out with him, because he thinks he is better... The white-haired boy didn't even dare to imagine how Gon would react. "His status has nothing to do with it!"
"Then," Illumi hummed, "if your Gon is so great, I'd like to have a few words with him. He should know, what it means to be a Zoldyck's friend, don't you think, Killu?"
Killua panicked for real. He couldn't let Gon – kind, warm-hearted, accepting Gon – meet anyone from his arrogant family. It was enough that a lot of his schoolmates witnessed this, though they already disliked him for some reason, and he didn't care about them either, but with Gon, it was different. Gon didn't deserve to be treated like some filthy animal or an annoying bug, just because he wasn't from a rich family. The situation was quite unlucky, because Gon didn't left yet, he had cleaning duties the whole week. Killua didn't know how many time passed, but Gon could finish soon, and if they stayed here any longer, a meeting with his brother would be inevitable. He gritted his teeth.
"Enough," he whispered, not looking at Illumi while stepping closer to the car. It was really difficult to say his next words, but he had no choice. "You don't have to meet him. It's... fine. Let's go home." He couldn't say It's not important in the end.
Soon he heard a clap of hands and then they patted his shoulders, like he was a "good boy".
"I knew you would understand, Killu!" Illumi was extremely pleased with himself judging by his voice. Then he leaned in, a palm on Killua's head pushing the younger one closer too. "I hope you learned your lesson, Killu. You don't need anyone but us, aand if you want friends, Father will introduce you to the right people," he whispered so one else would hear. Then the hand disappeared from the white hair, but gave it a warning tug, so quick, one could mistake it for an accident.
"By the way, I was just joking; I would never want to talk to people like him," he added, patting Killua's shoulders one last time before getting into the car.
Killua laid on that small bed staring up to the ceiling. He remembered this room to be bigger, not this narrow, though it's been years since the last time he was locked in. No one told him to here this time, he did it on his own. He wasn't sure why though, maybe it was to calm his parents. He didn't feel guilty or sorry for getting involved with Gon and the others at all, but he had to behave for a while, lest his parents check him out of school. Not to mention it was better to lay around here and do nothing than getting a beating from Illumi. His brother didn't even look at him while they sat in the car, but the white-haired boy could tell, he was restraining himself. Still, Killua was glad – just when the car turned to head to the mansion, he saw Gon. The black haired boy looked confused at the disbanding crowd searching with his eyes for the source of their attention and (luckily) not finding it.
Killua sighed, his eyes falling shut. Why did he think he could become friends with others, with Gon? He should have known, with a family like this he could only dream of it. The Zoldycks were one of the most influental families, their ancestors were all noble people of high ranks. It was to expect that they were a bunch of stuck-up snobs, but the level of arrogance his parents showed never failed to disgust him.
Even when he was a little child his mother made a huge scene, when he just looked at a passer-by as they took a walk in town. Having big blue eyes and white hair (which used to be even fluffier) really drew the attention to him, and he couldn't help but smile and wave at the friendly looking ladies. But they were all average people, so whenever this happened, his mother shrieked and yanked him away, forbiding to interact with these people because they weren't worthy. Seeing the disgusted reactions of the bystanders he really thought he did something bad, he couldn't understand it that time. But he couldn't understand what was wrong with those people either, they looked normal to him, and they smiled. Not like his family members. So he kept smiling back, what resulted in his mother never going for a walk with him in the town, he was only allowed to play around the mansion.
His life got really boring, even though he got plenty of toys he couldn't play with anyone – Alluka and Kalluto were too small, Milluki never wanted to play with him and he was frightened by Illumi's emotionless eyes. That was why he was so happy, when Silva started to introduce the "right people" to him – the children of business partners or other rich families. He honestly didn't care who they were as long as he could play with them (while the adults were showing off in front of each other how good and important they were). The only problem was that Killua didn't know how to play with others. He knew he had to be careful and gentle with Alluka and Kalluto (the butlers had told him confidentally), and he made sure to never hurt them. Otherwise it was natural for him to act mean and agressive, just like the way Milluki acted with him. Soon the visitors stopped bringing their children and Silva berated his, because Killua was supposed to be nice to them. The last straw was, when Killua pushed a potencial business partner's son into a swimming pool – that was the first time he got locked into that room in the basement.
First, he thought they're going to Alluka's room, though considering that his father dragged him by his hair through the halls, it was very unlikely. He was thrown into a room with bleak white walls and dark floor, there was only one furniture inside: an uncomfortable bed. Nothing else. Silva left him there without any explanation, and the boy could scream, cry, until his voice got hoarse, push, bang on the door until his knuckles hurt, no one answered. He "only" spent a day there, but without his toys or anyone else around he was lonely and scared. By the time his visits to his "cell" became more frequent, the time he spent there increased too, and when he made ruckus, they sent Illumi to shut him up. It worked.
Forcing him into things against his will, being locked away when he showed disapproval and the occasional beatings from Illumi – all these were followed by the same sentences: "We only want the best for you! Why can't you understand that?" and Killua hated it. Hated them. If it weren't for Alluka, he would have gone mad – her presence was the only positive thing in his life, the only person he treasured. But he couldn't spend enough time with her, private lessons or being punished kept him away from her, not to mention she was locked away as well. Killua really needed to be around others, to be around normal people, the kind of people his family forbid him to get involved with. This is why he wanted to go to a public school and not to the prestigious private school his parents wanted to send him. He knew, that place would be probably full with snobs too, and he had enough of them for a life time.
And it came to that fight. They argued about this school-issue again, for the thousendth time, and it got really bad. Kikyo pulling on his hair, hitting him with her other hand where she could, yanking him and shrieking; repeating the same lie about wanting the best for him, and it was too much. He felt something snapping inside of him, with pain and rage blinding him he grabbed the nearest sharp object – a shard of an expensive vase they broke in their struggling – and stabbed his mother along with Milluki who tried to intervene. He immediatelly came back to his senses, but instead of calling for help he grabbed his skateboard and ran away – he was really scared of what he did, but even more terrified of the consequences.
He ended up hiding at a park, didn't dare to move from that place even as evening and then night came. He just sat there trembling from the cold, listening to his empty stomach's grumbling, but those were inferior to the fear he felt. He was never so scared in his life, sitting in the darkness with nowhere to run from the things he had done, nowhere to run from himself... The hunger and cold chased him back to the mansion after two days, though at this rate he wasn't even sure if they'll let him in – whether that, or he'll get locked in for the rest of his life. Yet none of those happened, everyone was so worried about him, that they even called the police for help. No beating, no punishment, quite on the contrary, his father sat with him down for the first time and listened to what he had to say, to what he wanted. Silva allowed him to attend the school his son wanted, but only under two conditions: he (still) wasn't allowed to make friends with anyone, plus he had to get the best grades. Killua agreed, he had never problems with studying, besides his parents couldn't be there to stop him from befriending others – he just had to make sure it stays a secret.
Easier said than done, Killua thought to himself sighing. He didn't want to lose Gon, anyone else didn't matter, but he found, he just couldn't give up on Gon. He could only hope his "good" behaviour would convince his parents and Illumi, and he could enjoy life for a little longer. If he really had to take over the family business, this happiness wouldn't last long.
Loud knocking interrupted his thoughts – Gotoh brought his dinner. The man left without a word, but that was normal, no one was allowed to talk to him right now – just like in the old times. Killua took the tray to the bed noticing only then, that the napkin wasn't neatly folded, as if there was something inside of it. The white-haired boy carefully unfolded the napkin and smiled.
There was a small piece of chocolate hidden in there – just like in the old times.
A/N: I'm so sorry for updating so late! I have no excuse this time, I was simply a lazy bum... Besides I started to write another fic (instead of the chapter ahaha OOPS), what I'll post soon, but probably after I'm done with chapter 8 as well.
By the way, I used the original lines in the "I want to become friends with Gon" scene. In the 2011 anime it1s subbed as "I want to become friends with Gon and live a normal life", but he actually says "I want to play normally". And I think that's more heartbreaking if you consider, that Killua is just a 12 y.o. child, who's spent his childhood with learning how to kill, and his only wish is to have a friend he can play with... T.T
It was kind of difficult to write the part about his part, I hope it makes sense...
Anyway, as always, thank you for reading, I'm so thankful for all the kind words this fic is recieving! ;u; (I promise, I won't be so lazy with chapter 8!)
