Author's Note: Revised & Reposted

-Bert the Nomad

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

What…isn't allowed?

No…that's not right way to put it. Too vague. Too general.

Better rephrase it.

What isn't allowed…for a Teen Titan?

Yeah…

That's better.

What isn't allowed for a Teen Titan.

That's…what he had to answer.

What were the things that weren't allowed for someone like him to want...to pursue…to lust for…

Oh, it'd have to be something secretive.

Something cold and personal.

Revenge maybe.

No, no that's not right.

Something even more personal. Something essential. Something everyone else has. That everyone else takes for granted.

Dreams maybe? Imagination?

No. Too abstract. Too whimsical. This is something forbidden to the Titans, not a love-struck poet.

Ah…

What about love?

A…forbidden love?

That's the one, isn't it?

Love.

A love…nobody else knows about.

One-sided.

Confused.

Sickly.

That's what a Teen Titan isn't allowed to have.

And that's exactly what he had to answer for.

An illegal love. A prohibited affection.

But at least…for now anyways…it was a secret one.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The first thing Raven remembered was landing on something hard.

She grunted, wheezed, buried ashen fingers into her scalp.

Her lungs had seized up. Her throat pinched off like a knotted balloon.

She tried to breathe.

Tried to think.

But couldn't.

Nothing was working

…her insides were all full of hot air…

…her mind as weightless as a silken handkerchief caught in the laziest of summer breezes….

She felt like…

…distantly…

…as if she'd nearly died.

As if she'd been hauled up from a deep, gurgling ocean moments before drowning and was just now getting those first, fuzzy sweet breaths of air again.

Like she'd never really breathed until now…

Nothing was working…but it all felt so good.

….

Wincing, she rolled herself onto her back, let her body lay spread eagle, chest fluttering.

Red stars winked over her head, sparkling in a churning calm blackness behind the knurled black branches of a nearby tree.

There was no more thunder. No more howling winds.

The storm had passed.

A single blackbird fluttered onto one of the tree's outstretched branches, fluffing its wings. It met her eyes. Cocked its narrow black head.

Kawed once.

…Raven…

She stared up at it. Let her mouth slowly open.

It carried a voice.

She'd heard it before.

…Raven…thank you…thank you…

She tried to sit up.

But it tickled to move.

So she tried to think.

But it tickled to think.

So she did nothing.

And was tickled regardless.

She didn't know how long she lay there.

She didn't know a lot of things right now.

Hours may have passed during that dizzy, warm daze; watching the shimmer of the red-veiled stars gliding about overhead, the fiery red halo of the eternally eclipsed sun, the gentle churning blackness beyond it…

…just staring…

…and thinking of him

She closed her eyes, her lips drawing back.

…Him

…Oh…him…

Him who was real again.

Him who was alive again.

Him who had been living under a silken, black sheet of doubt and denial in the back of her mind for the past 11 years.

Him

…who has stolen her very breath away…

…who had destroyed everything she'd created.

Sanctity…order…privacy

That was all gone now.

…Him…

His memory had taken them all…

Raven raised a hand to her cheek and closed her eyes. She felt warmth, she felt sweat…and…deeper…she felt something else.

Something she couldn't quite name…not yet…

"Crow." She whispered. "…Crow…"

'That's is name, honey. Always has been, still is, and forever will be.'

Raven opened her eyes.

Winced.

The Red Raven stood over her.

Grinning wistfully. Hood back. Hands on her hips.

'So, how was that for yah, champ?' She beamed extending a hand.

Raven ignored it and rolled herself onto her stomach with a slow weary hiss. She pulled her knees in. Tried to find the strength to stand. God, it was difficult. Her insides were still weightless. She could feel them floating about in her bosom, light as air, ignorant as bliss.

No matter how good it felt though, no matter how much her stomach wanted to flutter or her shoulders wanted to bunch up to her ears, Raven composed herself.

Straightened.

Frowned.

And dutifully…pulled her hood back up.

…she was still Raven, after all.

"Why…do I feel this way?" She breathed, batting dust from her lap and glancing over the Red Raven's shoulder where the archway to her Childhood Memories…to him…stood shimmering. "What did you do to me?"

The Red Raven followed her gaze, hands idly slipping into imaginary pockets.

'I thought you'd appreciate it, is all. I sure did.'

Raven tried to take a decisive step forward, tried to express her dominance over her rosy red counterpart.

It didn't work.

Her stride was a stagger.

Her gaze that of a drunkard's.

Every word she spoke stumbled and tripped over her lips.

What was the matter with her? Why did everything feel so good?

"I said…what did you do to me?"

A shrug.

'I made you remember, and in case you're wondering, that feeling you have right now…it's called bliss. You felt it once. A long time ago."

Raven managed another step, ignoring the uncountable bustling butterfly wings fluttering around in her stomach, the pinching, numbing tickle of her throat.

"You'd…never do something like that for me. You tried to kill me once. You tried to kill everyone."

The Red Raven glanced back at her, gently tilting her head. The four searing red eyes of Trigon had disappeared, replaced instead by a very real, very human pair. Identical to her own aside from a faint crimson glint in the pupils, glowing like a sleeping bed of coals behind a stain-glass window.

Identical…

Again, Raven felt a twinge of discomfort by their resemblance...

'Raven…' The Red Raven whispered. 'Why do you think that I'm always trying to hurt you? How is that whenever the blackbird fails to fly, it always blames her wings instead her own ignorance? I am not evil, Raven. I am who you really are. I want you to be content…I want you to-.'

Raven cut her off, managing a scoff.

"To what? Be happy? I'm sorry but that job roster's already been taken and the last thing I need are two pink capes running around this place. You wouldn't have done this just for me."

Red Raven only shook her head.

She looked so sad…

'That's your problem, Raven. Opportunity has been dangled in front of you so many times… but you never take it. You complain about being different…but secretly you want to be unhappy. You want to be alone.'

"I've never had anything to be happy about. I live a damned life."

'But the fact that you live all is good enough. As long as there's life, Raven, there will be the possibility of pleasure. A long time ago, you knew pleasure once.'

The Red Raven leaned forward and slid a warm and endlessly smooth hand down Raven's cheek with a wry, loving smile.

'You remember now, don't you? You remember how it feels…'

The Red Raven's touch was electrifying. Before Raven could even react, another wave of shoulder-raising dizziness glazed over her vision. She gasped, tensed.

That feeling…

Despite herself, Raven felt her eyes close, her hands cradle her stomach, the smallest of moans hissing between clenched teeth.

bliss…this feeling is bliss…you've felt it before…

The Red Raven's fingers circled under Raven's chin and held it up, her crimson, so-human eyes searing right through hers like hot embers through satin sheets.

'I am not hate, Raven. I never was. I am not the Prophesy nor the flame behind your fears. I am nostalgia. I am memory. The mountains of Azarath. The fields of your childhood Paradise. Everything of your dreams that you've tried so long and hard to forget just because of a single nightmare.'

She dropped her hand, breaking the spell.

Raven snapped to and straightened immediately. She glanced down at the Red Raven's outstretched arm then back up to those eyes. Those deep, sincere, eyes.

"That nightmare…." Raven whispered, breathing hard and batting her hand away. "…was Trigon. That bad dream was the destruction of this entire world. The end to all worlds. And it was all my fault. Wouldn't that qualify as something one would want to forget?"

'One smear on the canvas, Raven, should never ruin the whole masterpiece. Your memories of Azarath should not suffer because of your father. Do you recall Crow as being something worth forgetting? Hmm? Now that you remember his face, that feeling…do you still want to keep it hidden away?'

The Red Raven reached out and grasped Raven's knuckles. Squeezed.

Leaned in.

So warm…so smooth…

Human eyes so pleading…

And again…against every trembling effort…that feeling laced down her spine; driving her teeth together, squeezing her eyes shut.

That feeling…

She could feel the Red Raven's breath against her neck,could feel her gaze as hot as a sunburn across her brow.

'There was a time when you had a life, Raven. A life different than this half-hearted, cardboard cut-out puppet-show you're living now. The life where you met a little boy in the middle of an Orange-Tinted Paradise who had no concept of fate, who was ignorant of your father's name. A little boy who saw only a little girl lost in a field. All he saw was you.'

For the briefest of moments, Raven felt her mind fog. Could feel the Red Raven's half-lidded gaze cloud her thoughts like steam across a bathroom mirror.

The promise of Crow…

Him…

The promise of this feeling. The wonderful, guilty feeling…

The feeling she hadn't felt in so long

When the Red Raven spoke again, its voice had changed.

It became softer…

Younger…

Ebbing and loving…

A boy's voice.

'You've got to stop running, Raven. The only way I can catch you is if you stop running…'

The world around her blurred, all colors melted away and every thought became muffled and silent.

'Stop caring, Raven. Forget them as you forgot me…'

"I…I…" She tried to speak but her words felt too heavy. She struggled, forcing herself to fight back.

Something wasn't right…

'Just remember me. Remember what I've given you. Remember what I can still give you…"

She bit her lip. Shook her head. Persisted. "I…shouldn't…I don't…even know…if you're real…"

'I'm real, Raven…you know I'm real…'

Harder. Wincing. She resisted. "No…you're trying…to trick me…"

Suddenly, the gentle, sweeping tone of the dark haired boy abruptly vanished, morphing into the booming, wincing hiss of the Red Raven.

It was getting impatient.

'I'm very real, Raven. I took Beast Boy's arm. I took Terra's parents' lives. And if you don't stop running …if you don't let me catch you soon…I'll take more. I'll take this pathetic doppelganger of a life you've created and destroy everything you've convinced yourself to love. I'll take everything until there's nothing left for you to turn to but me…and I'll start with your friends…

Raven's eyes jerked open, but the Red Raven was gone. She was standing back in the medical wing of Titan's Tower, standing on that shiny, checkered tile floor…only now…something had changed.

Four beds lined the wall.

Instantly, Raven's blood froze, that feeling of stupid, blind bliss replaced with a cold, cold terror. A wet, cramping fear she'd also felt freeze her insides before. In each of the beds, distorted behind a murky plastic curtain, lay the Titans; their bodies smothered in crimson bandages, an uncountable series of wires and tubing spider-webbing across their bed sheets and…lain gently across each of their faces…a single black handkerchief.

"No…" Raven whispered, her hands curling over her mouth. "He wouldn't."

The Red Raven's voice again seeped into her ear, those long, warm fingers gripping her shoulders from behind.

'He has, Raven. He has and he will in order to get to you. He's real, Raven. He's real and he's grown all up…and he's never stopped chasing you.'

The heart-monitor beside Beast Boy's bed started to flat line. It was followed quickly by Starfire's. Then Robin's. One by one, her friends went limp, their chests slowly ceasing to rise as the brilliant fluorescent light overhead beat down upon them.

It looked so peaceful…so quiet…

'He's going to find you. Nothing you can do will change that. And if your so called 'friends' get in his way…'

The grip tightened as the final machine gave out with a prolonged-

-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

'…he will make them disappear. He'll take them away forever, Raven. All for you. Do you understand me? All because of you.'

Raven tried to break away from the Red Raven's grip but she couldn't take her eyes off those four, glowing beds. The unbroken line on their heart monitors. The rattle of choked, final breaths through their oxygen masks.

'You were not meant for this world, Raven. You were never meant to live among common people. You belong with him. You belong amongst people who loved you. Leave them, Raven. Leave them all behind and thrive in the childhood fantasy you've uncovered. Do it for their sake if you're too ignorant and clueless to do it for yourself…'

"No…" Raven felt her nose begin to sting, her eyes growing hot. "I can't…he...wouldn't…"

'I didn't want you to come to think of it this way, Raven…but you truly don't have a choice in this matter. If you don't let him catch you…he won't stop hurting them.'

"No…no…he…he…loves me…"

'Yes, Raven, yes he does love you! And that's why he hurts them. That's why he took Beast Boy's arm. They're all in his way. They're all keeping him from you. Don't you see? He thinks he's rescuing you, Raven. He thinks…he's saving you. Is he really that wrong to believe so?'

Raven kept her eyes shut, her body rigid and cold.

She breathed.

Lowered her head.

"Go away." She whispered finally.

'Raven…'

"Leave me alone. Just…get out of here."

…a pause…

…a sigh…

'As you wish…Raven...I'll go. I'll go now.'

Slowly, the steely, smooth grip slid from Raven's shoulders, the hot breathes fading from her ear and all around her, the room gradually began to warp, the very air curdling as colors and texture melted away like an oily canvas painting.

'I'll leave you alone to make your decision…but if you ever need someone to talk to…you know where to find me……you'll always know where to find me………'

Raven spun around, throwing back her hood.

"I said leave me al-"

…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…

The Red Raven wasn't there.

She stopped, glanced up, dragging a sleeve across her eyes.

From the far side of the plastic medical curtain, Beast Boy stared back at her behind closed, sleeping lids. Wired up like a car battery, glowing in that bright overhead light.

Sleeping.

Alive.

His artificial breaths hissing through the oxygen mask.

His heart monitor constant and steady.

Alive…and alone.

Raven was back in the real world again.

Dropped off like an orphan on a shady city street. No idea where to go. No idea where to turn. And a bleeding, unconscious reminder lying next to her of what happened when she took a wrong turn.

She fell to her knees and let herself rock back onto her heels, the burning in her eyes finally giving way to hot, salty tears.

"Damn it." She whispered, pulling her hood up over her eyes again. "Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it…"

Over the doorway, the clock struck midnight.

Ending Author's Note: More coming soon!