The next part. Our Mykas have swapped worlds (and Helenas) and are trying to get back home. But does Myka from the original world actually want to go home? I should explain, by the way, that the title is inspired by an episode of Buffy - and as samsaintjames pointed out in the comments last week, it should be Doppelgängerland. In my defence, I'm just repeating Joss Whedon's error…
Myka sat on the couch in the library, looking at the familiar text of her copy of "The Invisible Man," signed by the author. It appeared that even in this world, Helena had signed the book for her. Whether it was before or after they became an item, Myka wasn't sure.
Helena entered the room with a tray containing a teapot and cups, along with sugar cubes and milk in delicate tiny pots. You could take the woman out of Victorian England, but apparently the tea ceremony was the tea ceremony, no matter what century you were in.
"How do you take your tea, darling?" Helena asked, as she poured the amber liquid into a cup.
"I assume I take it the same way as your Myka does," Myka said with a smirk.
"Well, I would normally have assumed that, but lately my wife has taken to adding sugar to everything, so…" Helena smiled, and Myka smiled back crookedly.
"Just a dash of milk, please," Myka said.
They sat in silence for a short time. Myka drank her tea and flipped through her book idly, seeing that it was just as well-worn as her copy at home.
"She loves that book. It's the first thing I ever gave her," Helena murmured.
"I love it too," Myka said.
"This is so strange. You have her face. All I want to do is kiss you, and hold you. But you're not her."
Myka looked at her for a long moment. This was so hard. Myka wanted nothing but to be kissed by Helena, but this was not her Helena. It was hard to remember that. It was hard to even want to remember that, when Helena was looking at her this way.
"I… I gathered, the kissing part, after earlier," Myka said, smiling, but with a slight flush to her cheeks.
"I am sorry about that," Helena said, her cheeks a little red too. "In my defence, I thought you were my wife."
"No need to apologise, Helena," Myka said. "This situation – none of us could have predicted it." She took a sip of her tea, trying to calm her racing thoughts.
"So how… how did you two get together? You and your Myka?" she asked.
"Well, I don't know how things happened in your world. You know that I was released from the Bronze Sector by James MacPherson?"
Myka nodded.
"Well, at the first opportunity I had, I knocked him out and turned him over to the Warehouse, along with myself, and threw myself on the mercy of the Regents. They were inclined to be merciful, given that I'd asked to be released in 1966 and somehow my records had gone missing. It seemed like a nice round number, 100 years after my birth, to start a new life. The Regents let me go, and against all odds, decided I would be a good addition to the Warehouse. Artie assigned me as your partner, since you were the most sensible of his agents, he said. We were investigating the spontaneous combustion of some young men at a university in Tamalpais, and someone drove a car at us. I used my grappler to get us out of the way, and you turned to me while we were 30 feet above the street, and you kissed me. It was… unexpected. I hadn't imagined that you would return my affections, given that you'd only just broken up with your man friend, Sam. But you did, and after that things… snowballed, I suppose. We were in close quarters at all times, and we were dealing with life-or-death every day. It was a natural progression. Your friend Pete insisted that we were typical lesbians, whatever that means. Given that neither of us are, in fact, lesbians. But in any case, things progressed and we were married a year ago. You asked me if I wanted any more children, after losing Christina, and I thought for a long time, but eventually decided that children with you – well, it was something I couldn't have even conceived of, when I was growing up. To raise a child with a woman?"
She looked at Myka, and her eyes were so full of love and fondness that Myka's eyes filled. How she wished that this woman could be her Helena! It was heart-breaking, and after a moment, she couldn't hold back the pain. She began to sob, making pained noises that she'd never heard from herself before, not even when her Sam died.
"Hey, hey," Helena said, taking Myka's hand and pulling her into her arms, "it's okay, Myka. It will all be okay in the end."
She whispered soothing nonsense into Myka's hair, rocking her slightly as she cried her heart out. When Myka finally stopped crying, she became uncomfortably aware of Helena's arms around her, of Helena's lips against her hair, of the warmth of Helena's body against hers. She wanted nothing more than to stay there, cocooned from the world by the body next to her. But this wasn't her Helena, and even if it were, she wouldn't be holding Myka. She would be pushing her away so that she could be with her boring, white-bread boyfriend and his annoyingly clever daughter.
Myka sat up suddenly, wiping her face with a handkerchief that Helena produced with a flourish that was probably unconscious. Could she actually do anything without being ridiculously charming and sexy? Probably not, Myka reasoned.
"Are you okay, darling?" Helena asked, her face creased in concern. She obviously wanted to touch Myka, and was just as frustrated by the situation as Myka herself was.
"I'm fine," Myka mumbled, staring at her own fingernails. "I… thank you."
"You're welcome, Myka," Helena said, her voice low. Myka did not look up. She didn't trust herself to.
"So, what happened to your Helena?" Helena asked, after a long silence.
"What do you mean?" Myka asked.
"Well, you aren't together, apparently, and there was some talk of destroying the world. So, how did that happen?" Helena asked.
"Well, when Christina was murdered, she went off the rails a little," Myka began, but Helena gasped.
"She was murdered?" Helena asked, her hand going to her mouth in shock.
"Yes. It was a robbery gone wrong," Myka said. "She was murdered while Helena was away on a retrieval, and she never forgave herself. She built her time machine to try to change things, but, as she said, the ink with which our lives are inscribed is indelible. She couldn't change what happened, but she did witness it through the eyes of her maid, Sophie. Did any of this happen to you?" Myka asked, breaking off her story curiously.
"Well, I did build a time machine, but it was in an attempt to stop my past self from taking Christina to India where I believed she had contracted cholera. I know now that she was just as likely to have caught it in London, but medical science being what it was back then… I had no real chance of saving her, even if I had stopped myself from going to India. Which I couldn't, by the way. I could change nothing," she said, her face sad but not angry, not like HG's when she talked about Christina's death.
"Well, she witnessed Christina's murder and I think – I think it sent her a little bit crazy. She found the guys who killed her, and she tortured them. I don't know if the guys died or not, but the Regents found out. They let her off with it at first, I think, but then she did something else – I'm not sure what – and killed one of her colleagues at the Warehouse. It was an accident, but it was because she was trying to do some sort of experiment to bring Christina back. So, the Regents brought her in and she asked to be Bronzed. She said she wanted to wake up in a better time," Myka said.
"That's… well, that's a little disturbing. She is me, but with all of this… I wonder if I would have become that same way, had my Christina been murdered instead of dying from disease?" Helena wondered out loud.
Myka shrugged. She thought the answer was pretty clear; since they were both the same person, it meant that they would respond the same way in the same circumstances. But who knew what slight differences there were between this Helena and hers that might have changed their reactions?
"When she came out of the Bronze sector," Myka continued, "she was planning to end the world with the Minoan Trident. We didn't know that, of course. She spent a lot of time winning my trust and I recommended her for reinstatement. A short while later, we went to Egypt after we got a ping about some graduate students dying in weird circumstances. It turned out that she'd sent them there, on the hunt for Warehouse 2, where the Trident was stored. Well, half of it. The other half was on Christina's coffin – she'd found it before she was Bronzed."
Helena sucked in a sharp breath.
"She must have been insane… to desecrate her – our - daughter's grave that way. I can't even imagine," she said, shaking her head. Myka reached over to squeeze her knee for a second, without thinking. She let go quickly, however, and flushed before continuing.
"Ah… yes, well. She brought the Trident to Yellowstone Caldera, to try to start a new Ice Age, but not before she sent an artefact to Kelly which made her attack Pete. It was to distract us, but Kelly broke up with Pete as a result."
"God. They didn't marry, then?" Helena asked, looking appalled.
Myka shook her head.
"No. She moved away. Anyway, Helena almost did it – she almost started a new Ice Age. But I put a gun in her hand and told her she had to kill me first. If she was going to kill everyone, it didn't matter, right?
But she looked at me, and I could see the pain in her eyes… she couldn't do it, and that's when the Regents took her away. They used the Janus coin – do you know what that is?"
Helena shook her head.
"It splits your soul from your body, or your personality, I guess. They gave the body new memories and Helena was inside the coin, somehow. There was a projector thing that the Regents worked out, and she was able to talk to us through that whenever they allowed it. I didn't want to talk to her at first – I left the Warehouse after what happened at Yellowstone," Myka said, pouring another cup from the teapot.
"Why did you leave?" Helena asked curiously.
"I thought it was my fault. I let my feelings… my feelings for her cloud my judgement, and the whole world was nearly destroyed because I trusted her. I didn't trust myself, after that. And honestly, I was heartbroken. I trusted her, I… and she was using me the whole time."
"You loved her."
"Yes," Myka said, looking away.
"Anyway, she helped out with a couple of cases, and then something happened – a man called Walter Sykes was targeting the Warehouse, killing Regents. I won't go into all the details but it turned out that he was looking for Helena so she could help him get into the Warehouse, past a defence that Caturanga put together – a chess puzzle."
"He was a master of the game. I think I miss him more than anyone, save Christina." Helena said, smiling fondly.
"Sykes kidnapped Helena's body – she was called Emily Lake, this fake personality, and he managed to get hold of the Janus coin. He put her back together again and used her – and me – to get through the chess lock."
"How?" Helena asked.
"He put me in danger. She saved me, solved the puzzle. And then he blew up the Warehouse with us all in it. Helena managed to protect us – she did something with the force field thingie – you know the barrier that comes up when the Warehouse is in danger?"
"Yes," Helena murmured. "The Ramati shackle raises a barrier to protect the Warehouse from threats."
"Yeah. So, the barrier was up, and Sykes had planted a bomb using some of the masonry from the House of Commons…"
"The masonry from the Blitz?" Helena interrupted, looking horrified.
"Yes. I'm told, although I don't remember any of it, that Helena used the barrier to somehow cover me, Pete and Artie with a force field so we were outside of the blast."
"Yes, I was aware it could be manipulated in that way," Helena said thoughtfully. "But she would have been…"
"Yeah. She died," Myka said, shrugging slightly.
"That was incredibly brave," Helena said, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah. I think… I think maybe she was trying to redeem herself. She died, and that allowed Artie to use a pocketwatch to find another artefact – Magellan's astrolabe – with which he turned back time 24 hours.
He saved the Warehouse, and he saved Helena's life."
Helena sat back, running her fingers through her hair.
"Well. That's quite a story. So how is it, then, that you're not together? Because if I know myself, and I do, the sacrifice I made to save the Warehouse – it was to save you. Didn't you approach her afterwards?" Helena asked, looking at Myka curiously, and in an almost accusatory fashion.
"Well, I would have, but the Regents took her away. I didn't see her again until two days ago."
"And you didn't try to find her?" Helena asked.
"I asked. Mrs Frederic, even Mr Kosan. They said she was safe and not imprisoned, and that was all they would tell me. I didn't know what else to do," Myka said, protesting slightly.
"And does Claudia not have hacking skills in your universe? Would she not have helped?" Helena asked, her eyes sharp.
"If I'd asked, yes. I… I didn't want to explain," Myka said, hanging her head a little.
"So, it's not just her fault, then?" Helena asked.
"No. It's mine too. I know that. But I'm not the one who ran off to suburbia and shacked up with some guy she met at a cooking class!" Myka snapped.
Helena reached over and took her hand, stroking the back of Myka's knuckles with her thumb.
"I'm sorry, Myka. I know that you have tried. I'm just trying to get you to think of matters from her point of view. She loves you, I'm sure of that. But if she's been told not to contact you, and you haven't looked for her, perhaps she believes that her feelings are not reciprocated," she murmured, looking up at Myka through lowered eyelashes. She was – as ever – breathtakingly beautiful, and Myka found herself unable to look away.
"I… I guess that's possible. But I saw her, Helena. She looked at me like… she looked at me like she was sorry for me. Like she knew she'd broken my heart, and she did it anyway. I don't see how I can come back from that," Myka said, her bottom lip trembling as she tried to hold back tears again. She couldn't very well cry in this woman's arms twice in the same day. It was very difficult to remind herself that this wasn't her Helena.
"Love is a funny thing, Myka. It can heal all sorts of things," Helena murmured, still gazing at her from under lowered lashes.
Myka closed her eyes, taking in a shaky breath. She pulled her hand away from Helena slowly.
"I'm sorry, Myka," Helena said, sounding chastened. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"I'm not uncomfortable," Myka said, quietly. "I just – if you keep touching me, I don't know… I miss her. I haven't seen her for such a long time, and you are her. And you're so nice. It's… difficult."
"Yes," Helena murmured. "I miss my Myka, too. She's pregnant and God knows where she is. I am so frightened, Myka."
Myka opened her eyes, looking at Helena sympathetically.
"I'm sorry, Helena," she said. "I wish there was something I could do."
Helena's eyes were filling.
"Could you – I know what you said, but – I need her, Myka. She keeps me grounded, keeps me sane. Could you just hold me for a moment, please?"
Her eyes were pleading, and Myka couldn't say no. She had never been able to say no to Helena Wells; that was part of the problem.
"Come here," she said, lifting her arm in invitation. Helena snuggled herself under, and Myka wrapped one arm securely around her slim body, and then the other when she realised that Helena was trembling.
"We'll fix this, Helena. It will be okay," Myka said, wondering how the tables had turned so quickly between them. She felt Helena take deep breaths, trying to control her emotions. Myka pulled her closer and buried her nose in Helena's hair. She smelled wonderful, and Myka tried not to enjoy the contact, because she was supposed to be comforting Helena, but it had been a long time since Myka had enjoyed any intimate contact, and this Helena had kissed her just a few hours earlier. It was hard not to remember that. She took deep breaths to keep herself calm, but after a moment, Helena lifted her head to look at her, her lips parted slightly and her pupils dilated.
"Myka, I know… I know you're not her. I just… please…"
She leaned forward, and Myka didn't pull away. She knew this wasn't her Helena, and she wasn't the Myka that this woman wanted, but right then she was the closest thing to it. She, too, leaned forward, and they took comfort in each other, comfort that quickly turned into heat and then an incredible inferno of need. Helena was kissing her with certainty, the kind of kiss that people shared when they knew each other well; when they knew how the other person liked to be kissed. It was intimate and hot and sexy and Myka just wanted to let Helena devour her right there and then. After a long moment, however, Helena pulled away.
"I'm sorry, Myka," she said, her eyes downcast. "I shouldn't have done that."
"Don't apologise, Helena," Myka said, shaking her head. "It's not easy, seeing someone else wearing the face of the person you love. Neither of us can be blamed for reacting this way. I love you, or rather I love the other you. When you look at me… I can see how you feel about her, and it's hard not to respond to that."
Helena nodded, still not looking up.
"I hope they're able to find a solution to this soon," she muttered, running her fingers through her hair distractedly.
"Me too. But I don't regret meeting you, Helena. It's sad in a way, but it's also nice to know what could have been." Myka didn't look up as she said that; she didn't want to see pity in Helena's eyes again.
They ate a quiet dinner with the others and Myka was finally hoping that she might, at the very least, get some rest and privacy when Leena came to speak to her.
"Myka, I'm sorry but I've only just realised that you and Helena…" she trailed off, not meeting Myka's eyes.
"What's wrong, Leena?" Myka asked, knowing that she was pretty sure, from Leena's expression, that she wasn't going to like the answer.
"I don't have anywhere else to put you, Myka. Abigail is going to be back soon, and Steve is on his way home from the airport. There's only your room, and I guess I didn't really think it through, with everything, but obviously our Myka shares it with Helena…" she said, trailing off again, looking utterly dejected.
"It's fine, Leena," Myka said, trying to keep her face from falling. "I can sleep anywhere. There's a couch in the library, that will do just fine."
"Nonsense," Helena said, from behind her. "You will not be sleeping on any couch if I can help it. You can sleep in our bed; I'll sleep on the couch."
Myka turned to face her.
"No, Helena. I can't let you give up your bed. I can sleep down here perfectly comfortably, and it's not fair of me to throw you out of your own room," Myka protested.
"No, Myka. You can't sleep on a sofa; you're pregnant. I won't have it," Helena said, before dropping her face into her hands. "Except you're not pregnant, are you?" she muttered.
"I'm sorry, Helena," Myka said, putting her hand on the other woman's forearm and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I promise you, I want to fix this and get back home just as much as you want your Myka back."
"That is what we all want," Mrs Frederic's sonorous voice emanated from right next to them, and they all jumped, except for Leena, who had always seemed to just know when Mrs Frederic was going to appear. "However, in the circumstances I think it best if someone is with Agent Bering at all times. And I think that should be you, Agent Wells, since you know her best. So share the room as best you can, and we will see what can be done in the morning."
"Fine," Helena said, snapping slightly, but Mrs F was already gone. Myka just sighed. It couldn't have just been a quiet night – of course not. Now she had to sleep in the same bed as Helena – not only that, but it was a Helena who was used to sleeping with her, a Helena who was married to her. Or one of her, at least.
"Come along then," Helena said, stomping off upstairs like a little girl having a tantrum. Myka took another deep breath.
"This is hard for her, Myka. Don't take anything she says too seriously," Leena said, her eyes wide and sincere.
"I know," Myka said, her eyes lingering on the stairs where Helena had just disappeared. "It's not a bunch of fun for me either," she muttered.
"I know," Leena said, squeezing her shoulder tightly. "Don't worry. I have a good feeling about this."
"I'm glad someone does," Myka said ruefully, smiling at Leena. It really was wonderful to see her again. Losing her – it had been one of the most difficult parts of this last year. Well, that and Helena. Her throat tightened again at the thought of Boone, of Nate touching Helena, putting his arm around her like he owned her.
"Everything will work out, I know it will," Leena said, taking Myka's hand and squeezing it. Myka simply nodded, swallowing, and went to follow Helena upstairs. It was going to be a long night.
Pete had checked them in with two hotel rooms, not expecting Helena to be joining them. One of the rooms was a simple twin and the other was a suite with two double beds. There was a long moment of mutual awkwardness as they tried to decide who was sleeping where.
"Well, I don't mind sleeping with Steve, since we've done that before, but no offence Myka, I'm not sharing a bed with you or Helena. She has sharp elbows and you snuggle way too much for me to be comfortable with. Also, you're not even my Myka. So Steve, you, me, double bed?"
Steve nodded, and Pete said, "I guess that leaves you two either sharing the other double bed or the twin room. So what's it gonna be?"
Myka and Helena shared a long look, and Helena snapped, "The twin will have to do. I'm perfectly happy to go back to Nate's to sleep, however, and you…"
"What, so you can change your mind and hide when we come to find you in the morning? I don't think so," Myka said scornfully. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."
Helena glared at her, and the others looked at each other and made their excuses, leaving so quickly
Myka was convinced she could see little clouds of dust at their heels.
"After you," she said, gesturing for Helena to precede her. They took the elevator to their room in silence, and Myka allowed Helena to change first before using the bathroom herself. She didn't threaten Helena, but her eyes warned her not to even think about leaving the room. She came back in and settled herself on her bed, finding that Helena had switched on the TV and was watching some reality TV series about models.
"How the mighty have fallen," she muttered, drawing a dark look from Helena, who retaliated by turning the television up several notches.
Myka read for a while, simply to avoid watching the inane rubbish that Helena was apparently enjoying, and once it was over she turned off her lamp. She said nothing to Helena, who made a loud huffing noise before turning off her own light and turning over to sleep.
Since she'd learned she was pregnant, Myka had been doing her best to drink plenty and stay as fit and healthy as she could while she could still exercise. That fact, along with the pregnancy itself, meant that she was going to the bathroom more and more to pee, even waking up in the middle of the night to go. This night was no different, and she padded to and from the bathroom on autopilot, climbing into bed beside Helena as usual, draping her arms around Helena's abdomen, and going back to sleep without registering the size of the bed, her whereabouts, or any of the other things that might have told her that getting into this bed was not a good idea.
Another change that the pregnancy had wrought upon her body was that it had increased certain hormones to the point where Myka occasionally had no control over them. She would cry sometimes for no reason, rage at Helena or Artie or Pete for no reason – and jump Helena randomly, even when she had been raging or crying only seconds before. When she woke up – and she wasn't even half awake – her hormones decided that now was the time to try to rouse Helena's lust. They had sex in the morning all the time; they were both morning people, so it wasn't unusual for them to be half awake and fumbling already in the hour or so before dawn. She was doing things to this Helena that she really shouldn't have been – things that, despite her provocative actions of the night before, she wouldn't have entertained doing with this version of Helena in a million years. But in her sleep and hormone daze, it was perfectly ok to dip her hands into Helena's pants, to kiss the back of her neck, to cup her breast. This Helena was no more awake than she was, and was reacting perfectly normally, enjoying the contact, so it didn't occur to Myka that anything at all was wrong until Helena turned in her arms and put her hands on Myka's chest – Myka's breasts – and woke up completely, almost shouting, "What are you DOING?" before scrambling back and, rather predictably, falling out of the tiny bed and landing on her posterior on the floor.
Myka stared around the room in complete and utter confusion. She didn't know where she was, why she was here, or why her wife was shouting at her. And to top it all off, she was starting to feel…
She ran to the bathroom and was noisily sick several times, retching noisily for long moments as the vestiges of whatever she'd eaten yesterday re-acquainted themselves with the outside of Myka's body. She jumped when Helena's cool hands pulled her hair back, tying it loosely away from her face, and passed her a wet cloth and a glass of water. She took them gratefully, wiping her face and washing out her mouth with the water before taking a long, cool drink.
"Thank you," she managed, after a short time.
"You're welcome," Helena said quietly.
They made their way back into the room, Myka re-situating herself in her own bed this time, where she found a packet of Saltine crackers sitting on her pillow.
"What's this?" she asked, turning to look at Helena. Helena looked away, going to search through her bags for something.
"I used to eat crackers to combat morning sickness. It was the only thing that worked," she said shortly.
"Thank you," Myka said, opening the packet and eating a cracker gingerly. When that didn't make her throw up, she ate another, and soon the nausea was gone entirely.
"That was like magic," she said, stunned. How no-one had passed that little gem of information on, she had no idea. How had her Helena never told her about it?
"It works rather well, when it works," Helena said, sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at her fingernails.
"Look, about before," Myka began, but Helena held up a hand to silence her.
"I don't want to hear it, Myka. You think that you can seduce me into staying at the Warehouse, but it won't work. I'm not that easy," she spat, glaring at Myka.
"That's not what happened," Myka said, sighing. "I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I've been doing that for weeks, I guess it's the pregnancy. Anyway I must have climbed into your bed – after all, it's the closest to the bathroom. I cuddled up with you because I thought you were my Helena, and I tried… well, I was half-asleep this morning, and I thought I was with her. You can think what you like about me, Helena, but I wouldn't fuck you just so you would stay in South Dakota with Myka. If you don't love her enough to do that, that's on you. I was just – I thought I was home, with my wife, and I wanted to make love to her," she said, beginning to sniffle a little as the reality hit her a little harder. She was in a universe that wasn't hers, with a Helena who didn't want her, and Leena was dead. It was some sort of Bizarro world - it was all fucked up, and this Helena – she was pretty horrible, all things considered. She would rather hide away with some boring car salesman and his daughter than stand up and fight for her Myka. It was awful, and as she thought of her counterpart and how she must be feeling, she started crying harder. It must be awful for her in this universe, all alone, with the one person you loved pushing you away. No wonder she'd wished herself into another world.
"Oh God, don't cry, darling," Helena said, and the familiarity of that gentle tone in her voice set Myka to crying even harder, horrible sobbing with snot and tears everywhere. Helena came to sit next to her and put her arm around Myka, holding her close and rocking her slightly as she cried herself out. Helena gave her a handkerchief and she wiped her face, trying to make herself look presentable.
"Thank you," she said, her voice weak and trembling.
"You're quite welcome, darling," Helena said, and for a moment she looked caring and sweet and so much like her Helena that Myka just wanted to kiss her, but she knew exactly how well that would be received after the morning they'd had so far. She pulled herself away from Helena's arms, trying to get her head together and remember where she was.
"I… I think I'm going to go take a shower," she said, looking away from Helena.
"Of course," Helena murmured, and Myka took that as her cue to flee. She wanted to bring Helena back with her, to resolve the situation for this world's Myka - of course she did, but at this point she just had to get away from her before she did something she would truly regret.
When she finished in the shower she poked her head out only to find that Helena wasn't there. Whether she'd gone down for breakfast or fled, Myka didn't know. She dried herself quickly, searching through the suitcase Claudia had brought for her to find some fresh clothes. Luckily, she and her counterpart shared the same taste in clothes so she pulled out some underwear and a bra, putting them on quickly. The bra didn't fit terribly well; she'd already noticed her boobs getting bigger since she got pregnant. She was just glad she wasn't further along; it was unlikely that this Myka would have anything suitable for her to wear, otherwise.
She was pulling out some clothes when she heard the door open behind her, and she spun around, holding her shirt up as a rather pathetic shield against the intruder. It was Helena, who was staring at her, her cheeks flushed.
"Oh, it's you," Myka said, relieved. She got dressed, apparently nonchalantly, but she could feel Helena's eyes on her, and she smiled a little to herself. She decided she would write a letter to this world's Myka to leave behind when they switched back – the woman deserved to know how much she'd done for the cause of getting Helena back where she belonged. Helena disappeared into the bathroom, muttering something about having a shower. She avoided Myka's eyes, and her face was still flushed.
When Myka was dressed, she went downstairs to eat, meeting a very sleepy Claudia in the restaurant. She was eating bacon with her fingers, a cup of coffee stuck to her other hand, and her eyes were closed.
"Morning, Claud," Myka said, and Claudia winced.
"Too loud, dude. I have a serious movie hangover. Pete thought it would be a great idea to watch the original Star Wars trilogy last night, and I can still hear the X-wings flying past my ears. How's HG doing?"
Myka blinked. In her world, Helena was just Helena. No-one called her HG. But then her Helena hadn't tried to fork the world into an ice age either. So perhaps the initials were a way of keeping her at a slight remove. A waiter came over and offered her some coffee, so she held up her cup to be filled, smiling, and then started to butter a soft bread roll, stealing a few pieces of Claudia's bacon to fill it. Claudia gave her a mock glare.
"She's okay, I guess," Myka sighed. "She's not like my wife at all."
"Really?" Claudia said, clearly curious. She had opened her eyes, at least. "What's your Helena like? How did you guys get together?"
Myka told her about Helena, about the Bronze, turning in James MacPherson, the grappler, their marriage, the baby. Claudia looked impressed and a little disturbed by the information.
"What? Why do you look like that?" Myka asked, gesturing at Claudia's general visage.
"I… I was just wondering how our Helena went so crazy, and yours sounds so normal," Claudia said, frowning a little. "I mean, I love our HG, she's legit awesome, but she was pretty batshit back in the day," she continued, chewing on another piece of bacon reflectively.
"I don't know, Claud," Myka said. "My Helena – her daughter died of cholera. Christina in this world was murdered. It was hard for my Helena to get over it, and she has been having therapy ever since she came out of the Bronze – the Regents insisted on it."
"Hmm. The Regents here just turned her loose and then blamed her when she went crazy," Claudia said morosely. "Did she tell you about that whole Janus coin deal?"
"No, but Pete did. It seems… it seems insane to me, to think that splitting her soul from her body would make things any better. She… someone else was walking around in her body. I mean, what was she supposed to do with that information? When she was back in her own body, I'm surprised she didn't go crazy right away. Someone else living inside your skin for – how long was it? A year?" Myka asked, her face twisted in revulsion. The Regents in this reality had a lot to answer for.
"Yeah, well, that's what they thought was best. And Walter Sykes was the one who took her out of it, and then he got her to open this chess lock thing by putting Myka in it. If she didn't solve it, Myka was going to die, you know? Then she sacrifices herself to save everyone. It was all so messed up, Mykes. And after that, even after Artie vouched for her, the Regents took her away again. It's no wonder her head is messed up. I'm not saying it's okay that she's shacked up with the man-mountain and the kid, but I understand why she would want to be away from the madness. But our Myka – she was so heartbroken. When she came back from Boone – God, I've never, ever seen her look like that. Not even when Leena died," Claudia said, morosely staring at her coffee cup.
"It sounds like there have been more than a few obstacles in their way," Myka murmured. "Have they ever…?"
"What? Done the horizontal mambo? I don't know for sure, but I don't think so. I think I would have been able to tell. Myka's not the best liar, you know?"
Myka laughed.
"I know. I'm totally not a good liar at all," she said, and Claudia flushed.
"Man, this is so weird. You're her, but you're not her – it's totally confusing!"
Myka laughed for a long moment, before sobering.
"It is. And I really, really need to get home. I miss my Helena. We've got a baby on the way, and I don't want her to miss any of it. We just need to work out what's going on, and try to fix whatever the problem is."
"I have an idea," Pete said, having just arrived as Myka was finished speaking. "I have a vibe. Did you touch Helena's locket at all, in your own world, when you said you were kissing and then you passed out?"
Myka thought for a moment.
"Yes, I did. I was playing with the chain, and I touched the locket, and it was right then that I started feeling weird, and then I passed out."
"Right! Well, Myka – our Myka – she had that locket when Helena died in the other timeline. And she definitely had it in Wisconsin. I know she doesn't say much, but she feels a lot. If she was ever going to make an artefact, then the combination of losing Helena both those times? That would totally do it, right Claud?"
Claudia nodded solemnly. Mrs Frederic had been teaching her about artefacts and how they were created.
"So, it has to be something to do with the locket. Did you have it on you when you woke up, Myka?" Pete asked.
"I didn't notice if it was in my pockets or something. I definitely wasn't wearing it, but it could have been in my pants or my jacket without me noticing. They're back at the B&B anyway, so I'll check when we get back."
"Okay. Cool. We should probably take off now, the flight is in two hours. Is HG ready?"
Myka sighed. "I have no idea. Guess I better go find out."
She left them in the hotel's restaurant and went to check on Helena, half-expecting her to be gone. She had just finished showering and dressing, however, and was blow-drying her hair. Myka sat down wordlessly for a moment, watching. It was her favourite time of day, (other than morning sex, of course) watching Helena dry her hair. Her hair was wonderful, wave upon wave of glossy black, and something about watching it made Myka feel at peace for a few moments each day. As Helena finished with her hair, she noticed Myka watching her, and she stood there, speechless, for a long moment.
"What is it?" Myka asked, concerned.
"Ah… nothing," Helena said, attempting to avoid the subject.
"What is it?" Myka repeated, this time more firmly.
"You… the way you looked at me – it was different. Myka doesn't look at me that way," Helena said.
"Really? I'm pretty sure she looks at you exactly that way, Helena. But maybe she's frightened of how you'll react. You haven't given her any reason to think you might feel the same, from what I gather."
Helena gritted her teeth.
"You shouldn't speculate on things about which you know nothing," she hissed.
"Maybe not. But maybe you should take a more honest look at this life of yours, Helena. It doesn't look like you're happy – not to the people who know you, anyway," Myka said, packing her last few belongings in her case and closing it briskly. Helena glared at her for a moment, but said nothing.
"Are you ready to go? We have a flight to catch," Myka said. Helena nodded, and they grabbed their bags and headed downstairs, meeting Pete and Claudia at the hotel reception. Steve had gone to get the car. They all fitted into the large SUV that Pete had hired – Claudia assured Myka that her car would be returned to the B&B, and told her not to worry about it, so she didn't. The flight was half-empty and Helena sat as far from Myka as she could manage, all the way on the other side of the aisle. Myka just sighed and took a nap.
When they arrived back at the B&B, Abigail showed Helena to her room, having been warned by Pete or Claudia that she was coming. Abigail looked a little star-struck, which made Myka chuckle to herself. She remembered being that starry-eyed herself when she'd met HG Wells for the first time.
She went to her room and found, in the corner, the jeans the other Myka had been wearing when she fainted. After fishing around in the pocket she found Helena's locket, which she then brought downstairs to Pete.
"I think we should bring this to the Warehouse and talk to Artie. What do you think?"
"Do I get any say in this?" Helena's voice was caustic enough to melt the paint from the walls.
"Not if it means I get to go home, no," Myka snapped. Helena glared.
"All we want to do is try neutralising it for now, Helena," Pete said, clearly trying to calm things down. Helena looked at him for a moment and then nodded, her jaw tight.
They made the drive to the Warehouse in silence. Myka noticed that Helena kept giving her sidelong glances. The looks were filled with frustration and longing and anger. Good – let her look, let her see what she's missing, what she could have. Maybe that would make the artefact do its thing and Myka would get to go home to her wife.
Myka followed Helena upstairs awkwardly, steeling herself for a night sharing a bed with Helena. Not her own world's version of Helena, but a Helena nonetheless. When she reached the room Helena was sitting on the bed, leaning forward with heels of her hands pressed into her eyes, her elbows on her knees.
"Are you okay, Helena?" she asked. "I can sleep downstairs somewhere; Mrs Frederic can't force us to share a bed if it makes you uncomfortable."
Helena took in a deep breath, looking up slowly.
"I'm sorry, Myka. I… you must think I'm awful. I don't want you to sleep anywhere else, it's just – this is all so completely confusing, and I miss my wife, and you're her, but you're not. I don't think we're built to process things like this. Stepping between realities, it's… well, even for minds as exceptional as ours, it's a bit of a stretch. Just go and get ready and we'll get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning, I'm sure," she said, her face open and sincere. Myka nodded, smiling tentatively, and she
looked around for a moment before Helena pointed her to the right drawer for her night clothes.
She washed her face and brushed her teeth, changing into comfortable cotton pyjamas that blessedly didn't show too much skin. She went back into the room that was hers and not, and looked at the vision that was Helena Wells, stretched out on the bed waiting for the bathroom to be free.
"I'm all done," she said lightly, and Helena looked up and smiled.
"Thank you, darling," Helena said, with a broad smile. She went into the bathroom and emerged five minutes later wearing a similar outfit to Myka. That made Myka smile, because Helena was always a satin and silk kind of person, or at least she used to be. But who knew what she wore to bed now? The thought of Helena sharing a bed with Nate made Myka's teeth clench. Thankfully she was already in bed and Helena couldn't see her expression, so she took a few deep breaths and calmed herself. This wasn't her Helena, and she didn't deserve Myka's ire.
Helena got into bed next to her, her body clearly tense. Myka took a slow, deep breath before touching Helena's arm gently.
"Just relax, Helena. Get some sleep, okay?"
"I'm sorry, Myka," she said, turning to face her, leaning up on her elbow. "I'm sorry. This must be so awful for you. Your Helena is an idiot, if I may be forgiven for saying that."
"Thank you," Myka said softly, and Helena leaned forward to kiss her gently on the forehead.
"Good night, darling," she said.
Myka didn't sleep for a long time. When she finally dropped off, she woke again a short time later with Helena's arm around her, her hand tucked into the top of Myka's pyjama bottoms, holding on to Myka's hipbone lightly. Helena's face was pressed into her neck, and her breathing was coming in little snorts. Myka didn't know what to do. If she woke Helena, she would embarrass her, and if she didn't, and Helena realised that she'd been awake, she'd seem like the weird pervert who was desperate to be touched, even if that touch was meant for someone else. So she lay there, frozen in panic until tiredness pulled her under. When she woke in the morning, Helena was still in the same position, still wrapped around her, and it was amazing. She felt perfect, tucked under Myka's arm with her head snuggled in under Myka's chin. Myka didn't want to move; she wanted to stay there forever, with Helena against her. She felt extremely bad for feeling that way, because this wasn't her Helena. There was another Myka out there somewhere, and she was this Helena's wife. It was wrong to enjoy this, but there was more than a small part of Myka that wanted to stay here forever, and damn the consequences.
"Good morning, love," Helena murmured against her neck, kissing it gently.
Myka stiffened, and Helena looked at her blearily, confused.
"What's the matter?" she asked, and Myka stared at her, wondering if she'd ever get the chance to see Helena like this again, with her face slack from sleep and her hair in disarray.
"Oh, God…" Helena said, suddenly, as sense returned. "I'm so sorry, Myka. I didn't do anything inappropriate, did I?"
She suddenly realised that her hand was on Myka's hip, and she pulled it back as if she'd been burned.
"I'm so sorry, Myka."
Myka shook her head.
"You don't need to apologise, Helena. I don't know what Mrs Frederic was thinking, making us stay together. It was bound to happen – you're used to sleeping with your wife, for God's sake. It's okay, anyway. Let's just go see if they've made any headway into finding a way back home for me and your Myka," she said, sighing.
"Of course," Helena said. "But would you mind… could I hold you, just for a minute, Myka? I know it's odd, but I miss her so much, and…"
She looked so lost that Myka just smiled a little, nodding her head. Helena pulled her close, holding their bodies together, and it was probably only a moment, but for that one moment, Myka felt content. Her face was pressed into Helena's neck and she took a deep breath, breathing Helena in. She didn't know how she was going to survive without this, truth be told, when she went back to her own universe.
Helena kissed her hair, squeezing her for a moment before releasing her.
"You smell just like her, you know. It's all so odd," Helena said contemplatively. "Thank you."
"Thank you," Myka said. "Your Myka is a lucky woman."
"I like to think it's the other way round," Helena said, chuckling. "But I'm glad you think so."
They took turns showering and went down for breakfast, where Myka spent her time enjoying the company of both Helena and Leena, both of whom she had missed intensely. It was like going back in time to before Yellowstone, when things had been – well, nothing was ever normal where the Warehouse was concerned, but when they had all been together, and Myka had felt like she belonged.
"For the first time in a century…"
Helena's words came back to her when she thought about belonging, and her body tensed as she fought the urge to cry. How could this incredible woman next to her be one and the same with that Helena who had hurt her so blithely, as if she didn't even care what she was saying, and how much it would hurt?
After a moment she felt Helena tugging at her hand, and she turned to see that Helena was gesturing towards the door. Myka followed her mutely, and Helena led her to the library where she enfolded Myka in her arms, stroking one hand up and down Myka's back gently.
"I could feel you tense, and I wasn't sure what was wrong, and I thought perhaps you'd rather not cry in front of the others," Helena said gently, and as she did, Myka realised that she was crying. Silently, this time, not sobbing as she had been yesterday. But crying nonetheless. She let herself go, resting her head on Helena's shoulder and feeling the tension drain from her slowly as she let the tears flow as they wanted. Helena simply held her tightly, rubbing her back and comforting her as she had done the previous day, and Myka loved every moment of it, while still hating the fact that she could never have it with her own Helena.
"Thank you," she said, after a long time. It had been at least half an hour, if not longer, and Helena had simply waited for her.
"You're quite welcome, darling," Helena said softly.
"How do you know – how do you always know what I need?" Myka asked.
"You forget, darling. I've been with Myka for over two years now. We've spent the majority of that time together in close quarters. We love each other, and when you love someone you try to look out for them. I know when Myka is upset, and since you're her, you have most of the same tells. So what was it?" she asked, drawing Myka along with her to sit on the couch.
"I… I was thinking about how nice it was to be with you and Leena and everyone else. How when things were like that, back before Yellowstone, I felt like I belonged. And then I remembered something that Helena said to me when I saw her in Boone with her boyfriend and his daughter. She said, "For the first time in a century I feel like I belong." And I… it just hurt so badly, you know? Like she'd never felt like that with me. All I've been doing for this last eight months or so is waiting; waiting for her to come back, and she told me that she didn't want anything to do with me, and then said all this stuff about how she belonged there and the Warehouse ruined her life. And I just let her go, Helena. I let her say those things, and I let her go, because I was so fucking hurt, you know? I figured if I said what I really felt and she still stayed, it would have hurt that much more. So I didn't say anything, and I got in the car and Pete drove me away and I waved goodbye like she was just my old friend from college, which is, by the way, how she introduced me to her new family."
Helena took in a sharp breath through her teeth.
"Jesus. I'm so sorry, Myka. I don't know what she's playing at. I know… I'm sure it doesn't reassure you that much, given that she and I appear to be so different, but I know that she loves you. She can't not love you. Whatever she's been doing, the running away, hiding with this man and his daughter – I suspect it has very little to do with you, and much more to do with her."
"Thank you," Myka said, finally. "Should we go to the Warehouse, see if they've come up with anything?"
Helena nodded, and they went to join Pete, Claudia and Steve who were getting ready to drive to the Warehouse. Once they arrived, Artie turned in his chair and glared at them all grumpily.
"Good, you're here. We think what we have here is a wishing artefact. It is Mrs Frederic's belief that Myka here, from the other world, inadvertently made a wish that the locket interpreted as a wish to be here, in our world. It's likely to do with Helena but that is none of our business and I don't want to talk about it, okay?" he said, glaring fiercely. They all nodded in response.
"So, what we need to do is recreate the circumstances of the initial wish, and Myka needs to wish to return to her world, and everything will go back to normal," he said.
"Okay," Myka said, nodding. Helena took her hand and grabbed the neutraliser bag that Artie was holding out, and pulled her towards the Warehouse. They walked slowly together towards the section where Myka had passed out in this reality, and Helena held her hand tighter and tighter as they drew nearer.
"What is it, Helena?" Myka asked, gesturing to their joined hands.
"I just… I don't want you to have to go back there. Of course I want my Myka back, don't get me wrong. But Helena – she's treated you so badly, I hate the thought of you returning to her. You deserve better, darling."
She was flushed and staring at her feet, and Myka thought she couldn't possibly have loved her more.
"Thank you, Helena. I can only hope that she'll get her head together and realise what we could have, but if being here with you has taught me anything, it's that I deserve better than this. Being abandoned and lied to and treated like a stranger – I don't deserve any of that. So if she doesn't come round, and she wants to stay in Wisconsin with the boring man and his daughter, then I'm done. I deserve to be loved, and I won't let her treat me that way anymore. I can see how you feel about your Myka, and I want that, Helena. I want it for myself. So if she won't give that to me, I won't wait anymore," Myka said, tears welling in her eyes. "Thank you."
Helena smiled at her, and there were tears in her eyes too.
"Well, here we are," she said, gesturing at the shelves around her. "This is where you – she – fainted."
"Okay," Myka said. She held out her hand and Helena poured out the locket and chain from the neutraliser bag.
"How do we do this? Should you be wearing the locket, like you were then, or should I just hold it?" Myka asked.
"I think we should probably match the circumstances as best we can," Helena said, and she took the locket from Myka's hand and fastened it around her neck.
"Oh," Myka said, "You mean you want to…"
"I think we should replicate the circumstances exactly," Helena said, shrugging slightly. "If it's
uncomfortable for you…"
"No, it's fine," Myka said quickly. If nothing else, at least she would get to kiss Helena once more before she went back home.
"Righty-ho then," Helena said cheerfully. She stepped forward and put her arms around Myka's waist. Myka curled one hand around the back of Helena's neck and with the other she touched the locket. They leaned forward as one and kissed gently, and then more fervently, and it was all Myka could do to focus on what she was supposed to be doing – wishing to go home – when she was being so thoroughly kissed by this incredible woman. She concentrated hard, however, thinking about her home and her Helena and her life at the Warehouse, and she took a deep breath, waiting for the artefact to take her back. After a moment, however, she was still standing with Helena's mouth on hers, and her hand was in Helena's hair, and they were just making out. Which was amazing, but that meant that there was more to this wishing artefact than they'd thought. Or Myka didn't truly want to go home, which was something she didn't really want to contemplate. She allowed herself a moment longer of kissing Helena, and then drew back with a sigh.
"It didn't work, Helena. I'm sorry."
Helena was flushed and her lips were red and parted, her chest heaving unsteadily.
"Oh. I thought for a moment, when you took that deep breath, that you'd switched back."
"I'm so sorry, Helena. We just need to give it more time, or more research, or something," Myka said. She truly was sorry; she could see how much Helena wanted her wife back. But she could also see how much Helena wanted her, for who she was, and it was intoxicating. Was that why she was still here? Was she really that selfish?
They walked back in silence, both lost in thought, still hand in hand. Myka's mind was racing. How were they ever going to fix this if she couldn't honestly say that she wanted to go back home, to a place where Helena didn't care about her and Leena was dead? Was she really selfish enough to try to steal another woman's wife – another woman's life? Even if that woman was her? She was very much afraid, right then, that the answer was yes.
