CHAPTER 7

And that was how we found ourselves tied in sacks, unable to do much more than wriggle like worms. Some of the dwarves were already turning on the fire, being cooked as dinner for the trolls. I was laid right next to Thorin, surrounded by Kili, Gloin, Bombur, Balin, Bilbo and Oin. We were all trying to free ourselves, but judging by the sounds of complaints from everyone, we were not doing so well. I spit out the rope, deeming it impossible to chew through, and glared at the Stink Giants discussing how to eat us better.

"Don't bother cooking them. Let's just sit on them and squash them into jelly." I'd rather be cooked nicely over a fire, which seems better than having your stinking ass being the last thing I'll see!

"They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage." Ooh, if they weren't talking about us, I'd probably agree.

"Ooh, that does sound quite nice." Oh no, have I reached a troll level of thinking?! The others, still spinning over the flames, were really starting to worry (and cook, we'll need a lot of burn ointment if we get out of this alive). I could smell the burning beards from where I was laying.

"Is this really necessary?"

"Untie us, you monsters!"

"Take on someone your own size!"

"Never mind the seasoning; we ain't got all night!Dawn ain't far away, so let's get a move on. I don't fancy being turned to stone." Say whaaaaaaaaaat?! These guys turn to stone in sunlight! And that's only in like 15 minutes or so (maybe, probably, I don't know really). I perked up in my sack, noticing Bilbo also jumped up, probably had the same idea.

"WAIT!" That stopped all the trolls in their bickering, and now everyone who was able was staring at Bilbo. "You are making a terrible mistake!"

The others didn't get our idea, unfortunately.

"You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!"

"Half-wits? What does that make us?!"

I huffed. It was true, but hearing that we were outsmarted by trolls still kinda stung.

Bilbo rolled over and hopped to stand in front of the ogres. Seriously? If he could do that, maybe he could have gotten us out in some other way! I could only sit up half way at the most, since I had a dwarf on my legs!

"Uh, I meant with the, uh, with, uh, with the seasoning." Quick, Alice, think of something smart and distracting!

"What about the seasoning?" One troll was a bit insulted by the idea, and spoke the words in a deep, threatening voice, bending over closer to Bilbo.

"Well have you smelt them? You're going to need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up." Well, well, Bilbo seemed almost cheeky when he said that! The dwarves got offended, screaming 'traitor' and such. I decided to help Bilbo, lifting up higher from the pile.

"Yeah! The way you're cooking them now is rubbish! They'll just end up tasting like chicken!"

"Chicken?!" The trolls seemed almost horrified. "No, no more chicken!"

"Wait." One of them was suspicious. "What do you know about cooking dwarf?"

The cook, though, was completely hooked.

"Shut up, and let the, uh, flurgaburburrahobbit and the lady talk." Awe, he called me a lady! Bilbo's new title was a lot more impressive though. I tried to hide my grin, and it was quite easy too, with all these dwarves kicking me!

Bilbo smiled and nodded to the cook, ignoring the groans and insults surrounding us.

"Uh, th-the secret to cooking dwarf is, um-" He lost his smile, and glanced at me for help. Uh-oh, what would take a long time to do but wouldn't hurt anyone? I chewed on my lip, glancing around for an idea. Oh, where was Hannah when you needed her?!

"Yes? Come on." He was very eager, his voice practically dripping with it (or saliva).I tried to help stall them.

"It's, uh-" The stink head cut me off, getting impatient.

"Tell us the secret." Bilbo was so nervous he was almost jumping up and down in place.

"Ye-yes, I'm telling you, the secret is to..." He got an idea! Everyone stopped breathing for that brief second, waiting for their sentence:"...skin them first!" NO! Why would you ever think that's a good idea?! I froze, not knowing what to do anymore, while the dwarves were in an uproar.

"Tom, get me the filleting knife." Oh SHIT. The dwarves kept yelling and squirming.

"What a load of rubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scuff them, I say, boots and all."

I am not happy about this turn of events, not at all!

Wait a minute. I swear I saw someone in the trees behind the trolls.

"`e's right! Nothing wrong with a bit of raw dwarf! Nice and crunchy." The fugly grabbed Bombur, lifting him up to his mouth. I waited, frozen, unable to look away, for his jaws to crush the poor guys head.

"Not-not that one! He-he's infected!" Omg thank you so much for stopping that! The troll holding Bombur gasped in a very girly way and sharply turned his big head at the hobbit.

"You what?" The one still spinning the dwarves over the fire exclaimed in surprise.

"Yeah, he's hot worms in his... tubes." I couldn't believe that they bought that, and I don't think anyone else did either. The fugly screeched and dropped Bombur like a sack of potatoes (haha, get it, because he's in a sack?...sorry), backing away, as if he could get "infected" too.

"In-in fact they all have, they're in-infested with parasites. It's a terrible business; I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't." If this works I'll kiss that friggin hobbit!

Unfortunately, the dwarves STILL did not get the idea of DAWN approaching.

"Parasites, did he say parasites?"

"We don't have parasites, you have parasites!" Smooth, best comeback ever, Kili. I can see what Hannah sees in you. Not. Some of the others around me also protested. I caught Thorin's gaze and gave him a 'look', and thank god I think he got it. We kicked those around us slightly and passed on 'the look'. IT WORKED. BEAT THAT MAGIC, WIZARDS.

"I've got parasites as big as my arm!"

"Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!"

"We're riddled!"

"Yes, I'm riddled!"

"Yes we are! Badly!"

I kept nodding to keep up with them. For a couple of seconds it looked like we got them. And then the smarter one came closer to us.

"What would you have us do then? Let 'em all go?" He grumbled in that threatening way again.

"Well..." Bilbo tilted his head sheepishly.

"You think I don't know what you're up to?" He hit Bilbo's chest a couple of times lightly with the back of his hand. Probably hurt like a bitch. Then, he turned to his fellow trolls. "This little ferret is taking us for fools!"

"Ferret?"

"Fools?"

Just then I noticed the light around us. Dawn!

"The dawn will take you all!" Shouted one of two figures that suddenly ran up on the big rock behind the trolls. It's Gandalf and Hannah! HOORAY!

"Who's that?"

"No idea."

"Can we eat 'im too?"

Hannah raised her glowing hands (wait what) and slammed them down onto the rock below her, splitting it in half and letting the sunlight stream through the crack and onto the trolls. Her heroic act faltered only a slight bit when she almost fell into the said crack herself.

The trolls screamed as their skin sizzled and crackled, turning to stone. For a second all was quiet. Nobody could believe it. And then the cheers and laughs started. I screamed in happiness, laughing. We're alive!

After everyone was finally out of their sacks and binds, and all the burns were dressed, I got to speak to my buddy.

"Do you have any idea how long we waited for you to bring back Gandalf?" I laughed, throwing my arm around her shoulders.

"Ha. Ha. I ran for a long time you know. You should thank me!"

"Why, thank you so much dear maiden!" I bowed, laughing. "Now go, your Prince Charming is looking for you." She blushed, stuck her tongue out at me for good measure, and ran away, looking for her "prince".

I looked around, spotting Thorin and Gandalf and walked up to them, asking:

"These are mountain trolls, right? What are they doing in these lands?" Gandalf glanced at me before tsk-ing.

"They must have come down from the Ettenmoors." Thorin was not happy.

"Since when do mountain trolls venture this far south?"

"Oh, not for an age, not since a darker power ruled these lands."

Damn it, now there's probably some evil force that wants to kill us all. This is how it always goes in movies, right? I grimaced, nodded at the two and walked off, not wanting to burden myself with this 'darker power'.

I looked around looking for my stuff. One of the guys brought our packs down from our campsite, but everything that was tied to the ponies was lost, as all of them bolted (even Squiggles and Rumble, they shall be missed, even though I haven't got the faintest idea as to how they got free from their ties). Fortunately Hannah and I didn't have much to begin with, so all of our things were left in our small packs, with the exception of our bed rolls. I grabbed my bow and quiver from behind the big tree where I tossed them earlier just when I heard Thorin's call.

"Search the area, there must be a cave nearby!" Hannah grabbed our packs and tossed mine to me, before quickly heading after the younger dwarves. I, on the other hand, followed Oin and Gloin.

In about ten minutes Dwalin had found the cave. I think he found it by smell, the huge cave in the side of the large stony hill reeked from a far ways away, flies buzzing around the rotten corpses that guarded its entrance. I covered my nose, eyes slightly watering from the smell, and gave a small nod to Hannah to go forward.

"Oh hell no, I ain't going in there! It smells, it's creepy looking, and there are dead bodies everywhere." She shook her head, backing away from the big hole. I shrugged, not daring to open my mouth, and followed Gandalf and Thorin inside, the others trailing behind me.

"Oh, what's that stench?"

"It's a troll hoard." Gandalf clarified for us. "Be careful what you touch."

The others started coughing and gagging as the sickly sweet, yet bitter stench of rot and dung assaulted our noses. I wished I had my cloak with me to cover my nose better, but I had left it in my pack, which was guarded by Hannah. We descended further down, and the orange light from Thorin's torch revealed the treasure of the troll hoard. On the ground in front of us lay heaps of gold coins, chests full of shiny and probably very pricey trinkets among a rotten pumpkin or two.

Inspecting the chests we glanced at each other. Bofur voiced what we were all thinking.

"Seems a shame just to leave it lyin' around. Anyone could take it." A meaningful gaze was cast by Gloin.

"Agreed. Nori, get a shovel."

As we dug a hole for all the gold (alright, I admit, I totally stuffed my pocket and pulled on some jewelry, you never know when you might need money), the others started checking every crevice of the cave for something else that might be valuable. Even Gandalf, who was the one to tell us to be careful of what we touch, pretty much touched everything. I finished burying a small chest of shiny objects and turned to Thorin, who found a sort of armory on the other side of the cave. Hey, maybe I can find a decent sword and a pair of daggers for Hannah and me!

Ignoring the conversation about blades and elves, I dug into the pile of daggers, swords and shields. After almost losing my hand twice I exclaimed a 'fuck yes!' in victory: not only did I find two very light but very sharp swords that were the perfect length for Hannah and I, but I also found two different small sets of relatively light but sturdy chainmail (I have no idea what they're made of, but I hope they fit under our leather armor), a set of elegant and flowy (is that the right way to describe them?) short daggers and two long daggers that looked like something dwarves would make, all bulky and inscribed with shapes. I dragged my find out into the light, huffing and puffing, dizzy from the stink of the cave, and threw everything gently down next to Hannah, who simply raised an eyebrow at me, yawning. I sat down next to her and explained what all the stuff was in a tired voice (do remember that we had not slept that night). She nodded, but from the way her eyes were drooping I doubt she remembers much.

We sat there for a minute, but once the others started coming up from below the ground, having saved anything they could from the piles of half rotten food, I dragged Hannah to her feet, both of us groaning. Quickly we stripped off our leather armor and threw on the chainmail over our tunics, covering them with leather again. I strapped on my small side bag (it strapped over one shoulder so it was sideways on my back and also had two buckles that went right under my chest and under my ribs that kept it from jostling) that we had bought in the last town we were in (the older bulky pack got sliced through by a stray tossed dagger). Next came my bow and quiver, fitting snugly across my back alongside the pack. I strapped the elegant daggers under my pack on my lower back for an easy reach, and finally, the sword was strapped to my side.

Since Hannah mainly used her hands for her magic attacks, her back was free to carry her not ruined older pack. She strapped her sword under the pack (I guess she doubts she would use it) and the dwarfish daggers to her sides. I just hope they aren't too heavy for her, because truthfully, being not used to all this extra metal weight we'll probably get tired faster in emergency situations. Fixing my last buckle I jumped up and down to make sure nothing made any noise of movement, and thankfully, I was as silent as a fully equipped warrior could be.

By the time we were done fixing ourselves, the others were all out of the cave, looking at their found trinkets that they took with them.

"I wonder when we're gonna move, the stink of this place is making me dizzy." I wondered. Just when Hannah was about to open her mouth a sound of movement reached our ears, making us tense and look around.

"Something's coming!" Everyone jumped to their feet.

"Stay together! Hurry now, arm yourselves." Gandalf ushered us, I grabbed my bow and readied an arrow while Hannah raised one of the bulky daggers. Quickly, all of us ran off into the woods. I had no idea if we were going towards or away from the 'something' though.