It was a relief when Elrohir finally departed. A relief and a crushing disappointment. He missed him, how he missed him but it had been too hard, hiding the truth and coping with the embarrassment of knowing he had made a complete fool of himself, leaving his heart wide open before checking to see if it was even welcomed.
With Elrohir gone he went back to the life he had led before he arrived. Helping his father, being a leader of their people and staying in the shadows whenever possible so his pain was not noticed. It was worse though because before he had had Elrohir's arrival to think and dream about when misery descended. Now he had nothing.
He was bitterly lonely.
When it got too hard, when the loneliness overwhelmed him and he ached for the company of those who were no longer here he retreated to his sanctuary by the trees and the sea, sat in the shadow of the trees and watched the sun glint off the waves. He could no longer remember how he had survived in Arda without the sea. All those years and he had never seen it, never even wanted to see it. He could not understand now how that could be, it seemed such a part of him. Without it surely he would shrivel up and cease to exist.
Then Elrohir returned.
He arrived on a bright sunny day when Legolas was at his lowest. Memories plagued him of happier times with his friends and all those memories achieved was remind him of what he had lost. He wished he could block them out, tear them from his mind forever...but then his friends would truly be gone. He could not do that. Into this mire of grief walked Elrohir, unannounced and exuberant. Legolas found his spirits lifted at the sight of him but then he reminded himself he would never have him. It was yet another loss.
"Why are you here?" The reminder of what he had lost made his greeting harsh and unfriendly but even that did not dent Elrohir's mood.
"I have had an idea that might help you."
"I don't remember asking for help."
"No but you cannot deny you need it."
His first instinct was to do exactly that. Why would he admit to needing help from anybody, let alone Elrohir, but he had caught him at a weak point, needing comfort and so he did not deny. He shrugged his shoulders,
"Possibly."
It was the closest he had ever got to an admission he was in trouble and out of his depth.
"Come with me." Elrohir was jiggling on the spot like an excited child.
"I cannot just leave Elrohir, I have duties to attend to." In truth he had none and if his father knew Elrohir thought he could aid him he would send them off in a heartbeat.
"It is not far. Humour me Legolas."
And so he went but he made sure to make it obvious the entire way he did not want to go. It was churlish of him he knew but somehow it made things better. Elrohir took him straight to his glade, his special place, what help was this? He had already told Elrohir of the peace he felt here. In fact Elrohir was the only one he had told.
"So?" He said with sarcasm when they arrived. "There is nothing new here."
"No," Elrohir grinned, "but there could be!" He was so excited and pleased with himself it almost made Legolas smile to look at him, despite himself...almost, but not quite.
Instead he gave him a curious look.
"You are making no sense. Why have you bought me here?"
"Have you ever thought of living here?"
He had not expected that.
"Hear me out," Elrohir said quickly as if he expected objections. "Both the trees and the sea are here. You said it was the best of both worlds. This is the only place in all this beauty that surrounds us where you feel at peace. Build a talen. Move here and enjoy this peace all the time. Spend more time with the sea if It makes you happy."
"My father-" Elrohir would not listen to his protests.
"It is not far from him, close enough for you to fulfil your obligations." He had to admit that was true and the idea had merit, in fact he wondered why he had not thought of it before. The idea of being beside the sea whenever he wished, all the time, filled him with joy. But he did not want to give in too easily.
"And who will build this Talen then?"
"If no one else then I will!"
He had to laugh at that.
"Elrohir, have you ever built a Talen. Do you have any idea what to do?"
"No." Elrohir was beaming now, glowing with happiness. "How hard can it be. I have spent enough time sleeping in them in Lothlorien."
He looked at him doubtfully.
"I do not wish to wake up and find myself on the ground because of your shoddy Lothlorien building. I will build it I think..." then he gave him a generous smile, "If you are lucky I will teach you our more advanced Eryn Lasgalen methods." It felt good to tease, he had not done that since Gimli...but he deliberately turned his thoughts away from that down that path lay pain and sadness. He did not want to visit there.
And so they built. The manual labour invigorated him. His father's settlement had already been nearing completion by the time he had arrived and so he had not participated in its construction. It had been a long time since he had done anything challenging, physically or mentally and it felt good. Elrohir came and went, but when he was there they fell into a pleasant and comfortable camaraderie. He discovered a lot of things about Elrohir he had not known and the more he uncovered the more he enjoyed his company.
It was hard though, at times excruciating, not to be able to touch, to pretend friendship was enough. The more time he spent with Elrohir the more he wanted him. It was obvious Elrohir however was quite content with only his friendship, so he swallowed his desire and it burned inside him.
And then there were the moments when he took to the sea, dived through the crystal clear water and allowed the exhilaration of it to overtake him. Sometimes Elrohir joined him though he was seldom at ease and mostly he would stand on the shore and watch, a frown on his face. Despite his encouragement to Legolas to embrace the sea he did not think Elrohir liked it when he opened himself to it...not really. Perhaps that was why he did not want him?
For the most part he was happy, he had the sea, he had the trees and he felt useful but then there were days when he woke from dreams of friends long gone and ached inside for their company. When his memories felt like a bitter poison that ate away at his sanity and he wanted only to be alone.
Elrohir had the misfortune to arrive on one of these days. At first he was relieved to see him. He loved to look at him, to watch him, to memorise his face. Elrohir would distract him from himself. But within hours he was cantankerous and moody. Today Elrohir only served to remind him of the quest, of desperate days riding with Aragorn and Gimli toward Minas Tirith, days that would never be repeated and he wished he was not there.
"Can you not just leave me alone?" He snapped out his irritation at his presence. But Elrohir did not react in kind.
"I think today is a day you should not be left alone." He said gently. "What has you in such a difficult mood? It was the gentleness which took him by surprise and caused him to give away more of himself than he wanted.
"My dreams were not pleasant ones...memories...of people I will not see again." He had never before admitted to someone the torture his memories caused him and he wondered why he did it now.
"You must let go of this Legolas," Elrohir said kindly, "It does not have to be this way. You can be free of this grief, just let it go."
Later when he thought on it he did not know what it was that caused him to react the way he did. Was it his grief, his tiredness from lack of sleep, his churning desire combined with Elrohir's unreachability? He could not decide, but react he did, with anger and resentment.
"What do you know about grief?" His voice rose to a shout. "Stay out of things which do not concern you! You know nothing about this. Nothing! You will never understand." For who did Elrohir think he was descending on him like a benevolent and superior Noldor distributing his unwanted advice that Legolas had never asked for.
The slap, when it came was shockingly unexpected. His head jerked to one side and he stumbled. The crack of hand on cheek reverberated across the glade and how badly it stung. It took him several long seconds before he realised it had actually happened.
Elrohir was enraged.
"How dare you." He did not shout but nor was he controlled. His voice was ice cold and his eyes filled with fury.
"How dare you say that to me. Aragorn was my brother, not simply a friend, do you think you are the only one who grieves his loss? Do you think it does not leave its scar upon me also?What of Arwen and Eldarion. Where were you? Where were you for them? Oh that's right...nowhere. You ran, left Elladan and I to deal with that on our own. She was my SISTER...and she is gone. You have not even asked of her...how long have I been here now and you have asked nothing of how I feel." His voice cracked with the pain of it. "Well I will tell you. You do not have a monopoly on grief Legolas!"
He turned on his heels and stormed away.
Legolas stood there stunned, almost uncomprehending. Where had that come from? Why had he said that in the first place when he knew Elrohir had suffered just as much loss as he? What was wrong with him? He could not believe he had allowed himself to become so self pitying and cruel.
He looked down the beach where Elrohir sat huddled on the sand staring out to sea. He should go to him and make amends. It took all of his willpower to force himself down the sands towards him. Every step was torture. He did not want to do this but he had to.
"Elrohir?" He was afraid to speak. Elrohir radiated anger, his body language as he sat there was rigid and antogonistic.
"Forgive me please. That was uncalled for. I was wrong."
"Then why did you say it?" The words tore bitter lacerations across his soul.
"I do not know...I ...I don't know." He had no excuses. "I am sorry." He did not know what else to say.
"Do you think it was easy remaining in Arda when you left? Watching Arwen..." Elrohir trailed off to silence.
"No."
He did not think it was easy, in fact he knew it would have been incredibly difficult and he also knew he could not have done it himself.
Elrohir leapt to his feet, his face impassive as he stared at him.
"I think I will be going."he said cooly.
"You have only just arrived. Elrohir please don't." He hated to have to plead but he needed a chance to put things right.
But Elrohir turned his back on him and strode away.
"Will you be back?" He called out hopefully...desperately.
"Perhaps."
The sound of that word echoed around the empty glade long after he had left and Legolas found he had got what he thought he wanted after all, but now that he had it he did not want it.
He was alone.
