He awoke in a bed that was not his own and for a few seconds he struggled to remember why. But it came back to him, the horror, the surrender. Elrohir's lifeless body in his arms dragging them both down.
Elrohir.
The thought crystallised his mind. Where was Elrohir?
He sat up in a rush. An action that set him coughing and spluttering, too late he realised his lungs were congested and breathing not easy.
"Keep still, slow your breathing." an unfamiliar voice beside him said and he turned to see who it was as he struggled to get air into his lungs. A serious looking Teleri sat beside him. A healer then he thought.
"Listen to me." she said calmly, "In and out, slow breaths."
It was an effort to focus, to keep his mind on her soothing prompts but he managed it eventually, in and out... the desperate gasping for breath ceased and the coughing subsided. He could breathe again.
"Where is Elrohir?" He asked when he was confident he could both breathe and speak.
"You should worry about yourself," the healer said gently and he panicked. Why did she not answer him? Had he been saved only to be alone? Had he been too late? The panic made the long slow breathes impossible and the spluttering struggle for air began again.
"Hush, Calm yourself. This is exactly what I meant. He is sleeping, his brother is with him. All is well. I need you to relax, you took in much water and you need to give your lungs a chance. They will recover quickly if you let them."
It was a few minutes before her words filtered through his panic. All was well. Elrohir was sleeping, he was alive.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed though it was an effort to do so.
"I must see him."
"No!" The healer gave him a furious look and blocked his way. "You need to rest."
She did not know him well if she thought he would take no for an answer. He ignored her and pushed himself to his feet. It was not easy and he had to pause to catch his breath.
"I will see him. Then I will rest." He glared at her when he was capable of speech and she sighed heavily and dramatically.
"Very well then but it will be brief."
He did not bother to answer. It would be as brief or as long as he needed he thought.
"Follow me." the healer strolled off without looking back and he wondered if she took some kind of perverse joy in the fact he was struggling to even put one foot in front of another let alone keep up with her. By the time they reached Elrohir's room only a short walk away he was exhausted and short of breath. Suddenly, insisting on doing this did not seem such a good idea. He hesitated in the doorway unsure of what he would find. His courage deserted him as he peered inside to where Elrohir lay, pale, still and quiet. He looked like death and Legolas despite himself stifled a gasp at the sight.
At the sound Elladan turned his head and rose from his seat beside the bed.
"Legolas! What are you doing up?"
"I wanted too see..." He trailed off, as much because he ran out of breath as anything.
"You should be resting!"
"I told you" whispered the healer beside him, but he stoically ignored her.
Elladan came toward him.
"You are not well enough to be here. When they brought you up I thought you dead as well"
"As well?" He cried in horror and the panic returned creeping around the edges of his mind.
"I am sorry," Elladan placed a hand on his shoulder. "I phrased that badly. I meant to say you were in as bad a shape as Elrohir. He is only sleeping Legolas."
He needed to see for himself. He needed to know it was real, what they were telling him and so he stumbled to the bedside, reached out to touch his friend, rejoicing in the feel of warmth beneath his fingertips and the quiet rattle of breath in his chest. He was alive. He traced his fingers down the vivid bruising that snaked its way down the side of his face.
"Is he?... Will he be..." He could not finish his question.
"He will be well." Elladan said beside him. "He will be as he always was. He has already been awake and talking. You have saved him Legolas."
The relief was immense. It cascaded over him in a wave and his legs gave way. If Elladan had not been next to him he would have fallen.
"You should not be here Legolas." Elladan was not to be argued with. He leaned against him grateful for the support and let him lead the way back to the bed. He did not mind now being obedient and taking the rest they insisted upon. Elrohir was alive and nothing else mattered.
He had not left him alone.
He slept then but it was not the sweet sleep of oblivion it had been earlier, instead he dreamed.
He was back in the water, surrounded by the peaceful blueness but he was not at peace. He was frightened, searching for Elrohir, trying to find him...somewhere...anywhere. And when he did he could not reach him. There he was within sight, within reach but try as he might he could not touch him. He could not grasp hold of him. Time and again he tried and each time the fabric of Elrohir's clothes slipped slowly, slowly through his fingers.
Horrified he watched as Elrohir drifted further and further away. Down, down into the blackness of the depths.
"Come back!" he cried, "don't leave me, Come back!"
But it was too late. He was gone.
He awoke with a start his heart pounding as an ice cold fear crept up from his stomach and strangled him.
'It is not true.' His brain told him. 'It was just a dream. You have not lost him, He is alive, you have seen him." But he could not listen. It did not ease the fear which swept all before it until he was drowning in it.
He was terrified.
He gasped for breath struggling to overcome the horror but it overwhelmed him. He could not breathe... He could not breathe! His heart was racing, surely it must explode.
Desperately he reached for the water he knew sat beside his bed but his hands shook and he could not calm them. The jug fell to the floor with a crash that pierced his ears and sent chills down his spine. He had to get out of here, he thought. If he could just get to the open air he could breathe. If he could just see Elrohir this terrible sense of doom would leave him. But when he tried to stand his legs failed him and he found himself on his hands and knees among shards of glass. He did not feel the cuts on his skin as he gasped desperately for air.
What if Elrohir was gone?
"Legolas." Someone spoke his name through the chaos in his mind. "It is alright."
Elladan appeared before him holding his shaking hands firmly in his own.
"I cannot breathe!" he cried hoping Elladan could help him.
"You can breathe. you are talking to me." Elladan was calmness personified and Legolas could not understand it. Could he not see? He clutched at his chest where his heart thudded mercilessly. Was this what dying felt like? He was no longer afraid just for Elrohir, he was frightened for himself.
"I cannot, I cannot. Something is wrong!"
"You are safe, we are all safe and this will pass. Trust me," Elladan soothed, "All will be well. Relax and breathe with me Legolas. Relax." He kept talking, murmering quiet calm reassurance and he was right, little by little it did pass. The rapid gasping breaths gave way to shuddering slower ones, he could no longer feel the pounding of his heart as it fought it's way out of his chest. He was left calmer, tear stained and shaking on the floor, hands bleeding from cuts of glass.
He felt a fool. What was wrong with him? It had only been a dream and he had reacted as if he was a child with night terrors. He had never been as panicked before, not in his whole life, not even before the worst of foes yet a simple dream had defeated him.
Elladan looked at him with concern.
"What started this?" He asked gently when all had returned to calm.
"I dreamt..." he did not want to admit it and his face reddened with embarrassment.
"About what?" Elladan still held on to his hands, the tremor had not yet stilled.
He wasn't about to describe the dreadful, all consuming fear of the loss of Elrohir. That would be tantamount to confessing what was in all honesty an unrequited crush ...and for Elladan's own brother no less. He had embarrassed himself enough already.
"I was in the water...under the water..." he stammered and luckily that was enough. Elladan leapt on that explanation eagerly.
"Trauma after the near drowning." He said confidently. "It is not unusual Legolas. I have seen similar before."
"I feel a fool.."
"No, do not!" Elladan would have none of it. "Our minds are mysterious in their workings. It may never happen again."
He shuddered at the thought of being gripped by that panic again. He felt sick at the very idea of it. It made sense, Elladan's theory, it made perfect sense and yet he did not believe it...not really. He was not afraid of water, of drowning. It was not that at all.
When his shaking had ceased and Elladan had bound his lacerated hand carefully then departed with more reassurance he did not sleep. The dream was too fresh and the thought of retuning to it was petrifying. Instead he paced and thought as a churning anxiety enfolded him. Why was he driven to such panic at the thought of losing Elrohir? Why when he had known he was perfectly safe? Even now when he was awake and logical simply thinking of it created flames of fear that licked at the edges of his mind.
'Because you love him.' his inner voice told him quietly.
"I know that!" He answered himself out loud. "But he does not love me. It is hopeless."
In the end he made a decision. He knew one thing, he could not stay here, he would go home. He could not keep loving Elrohir. It was tearing him apart...sending him insane. He had lost control of his own mind and if he did not have that what did he have?
He would rather not love Elrohir at all than to experiance that agonising pain of losing him.
But how to stop loving him? How to turn off this yearning that consumed him?
That he had no idea how to do.
