Chapter Twelve- Three Weeks
It's been three weeks since I had that breakdown. Twenty-one days since I've spoken to Tommy. Five-hundred-and-four hours since I've spoken to anyone. We were still in this confined cabin where it was difficult to breathe. I always listened to Tommy and David, even though they thought I wasn't. They were attempting to plan an escape, a way to flee their life. Attempting is the key word.
I was outside, sitting under the tree with the yellow and green leaves. The other trees only had green leaves. This tree was different, special even. I was reading one of the books from the cabin. One book a day. All amazing, all profound, and all different.
"Jude." I looked up startled to hear my name. After the first week, Tommy gave up on trying to talk to me. David never bothered with me.
Until now.
It took me a moment to respond. "Hi." My voice was squeaky.
"Hi." David said quietly sitting down by me. He looked at me and I looked away instantly. "So…" He began. "How are you?" He asked me.
I shrugged indifferently. "Fine." I said tensely.
"Really?" He questioned almost mockingly. He was looking pointedly at my hand.
I looked down and saw my hand was clenched tightly. "What do you want?" I said, getting to the point.
He sighed and leaned against the tree and studied me. "You're a smart girl Jude." He observed.
I didn't say anything.
"Why are you acting like such a dumbass?" He asked me. "Why are you punishing Tom?"
"I'm not punishing him." I said defensively.
"Then what are you doing?" He asked me.
"I'm sorry if I don't want to talk to the man who is the reason I didn't have a father for nine years." I said crossly, beginning to stand up but David pulled me down.
"Don't touch me." I said furiously.
He ignored me. "Jude be logical." He said staring me down. "Tom isn't the reason your father wasn't in your life for nine years." He said irritated. "You just want someone to blame."
"That's not true." I said softly, weakly.
I watched David shrink back, taken back by my change in tone. "Then what is?" He said softer then before.
I didn't say anything at first. "I don't know you." I finally said.
"That can always change." He said gently.
I finally looked at him. "I'm not going to talk to you about this." I said sternly
He nodded, defeated. "Tom is an amazing guy." He said standing up, looking down at me. "He's the best one out there." He promised me. "He's just a good guy in a bad situation."
I smiled when he said that. "He said the same thing about you."
He laughed softly, almost painfully. "Yeah Tom and I always seem to be each others number one fans." He turned and walked away.
I shut the book, realizing I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I watched as David left to get firewood, leaving me and Tommy alone.
I felt myself stand up and walked slowly towards the door. I went to turn the handle but I stopped myself. What am I doing? I looked blankly at the door and was about to turn around when it opened.
Tommy stood there looking at me. Shocked to see me and shocked that I was this close to him. I backed away immediately.
He didn't advance towards me he just looked at me. Pain was prominent in his eyes. He tore his gaze from me and walked past me, careful not to touch me.
I did not move at first, it hurt to be close to him. I walked inside the cabin. I only went in the cabin at night. I avoided any contact with Tommy. I sat done on the couch, and held my face in my hands. What am I doing? Why am I not outside reading the book?
Then he walked in the cabin.
That was my answer.
I watched Tommy look at me. He was hurting; he briskly looked away and sat down at the table. The farthest place from me. I stood up and I felt his eyes on me. I walked over to the bookshelf and touched every book I had read. He was watching me, he didn't want to, but he was.
I finally looked at him and this time he didn't look away, this time he looked straight at me.
"Tommy." I said softly.
It hurt him when I said his name. He closed his eyes as though my voice was cutting him.
He finally opened his eyes after a few moments. "Hi." His voice was cold.
I felt tears enter my eyes. Tommy stood up when he saw this. "Don't." He said tensely.
I backed away.
"Don't do this to me." He said taking a step towards me.
I backed away from him.
"Don't make me want to hold you, kiss you, love you." I ached when he said love. "If you hate me," His voice was harsh and wounded. "Then hate me, don't come in here and make me have feelings for you." He said looking at me. "Let me forget you." His voice was faint.
I shut my eyes when he said that. "I don't hate you."
"I heard different three weeks ago." He said emotionlessly.
"I don't hate you." I repeated.
"You haven't spoken to me for three weeks Jude." He now had emotion and it was anger.
"I was hurt." I said angrily and full with pain. "And confused and tired and shocked." I said tears entering my eyes. "And I was weak and I didn't know what to do." I was silent for a moment. "I felt betrayed." I said finally looking at him.
He shut his eyes and leaned against the wall opposite of me. I was against the bookcase tears streaming down my face.
"I was angry and I needed someone to blame." I thought of David for a moment. "And you were there and it was unfair to you." I said quietly. "It wasn't your fault." I finally admitted. He looked at me. "I just couldn't get over the fact that the man that I kissed was an accomplice in the absence of my dad." I said quietly. "But you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time." I said looking at my hands. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry." He said quietly after a few minutes of silence. I looked up and saw Tommy walking towards me. "You had every reason to be angry with me; I just couldn't stand being so close to you but so far at the same time." He stopped in front of me. We were not touching but that could change with just one step.
I took that step and touched his face softly. But then I pulled my hand away.
"What?" He questioned, concerned.
"This isn't right." I said softly, hating myself.
"What?" His voice no longer concerned but hurt and confused.
"I mean you are ten years older then me." I began helplessly.
"Jude why are you doing this?" He asked me.
"And," I began, ignoring him. "You assisted in my dad's kidnapping and you kidnapped me." I was silent for a moment. "We don't even truly know each other Tommy and there are just so many reasons why this wrong."
He was silent, waiting for me to go on. "Are you done?" He asked me.
I nodded feebly.
"Do you want to know why we are good for each other?" He asked me. "Why this is right?" He demanded. "You surprise me Jude." He said looking at me. "No one surprises me but you do and that says a lot." He said studying me. "When I'm with you I have this immediate relaxation wash over me but at any moment you can make me a wreck." He said with a tired smile. "You affect me and sometimes that just about kills me but I wouldn't change it." He touched my face softly. "I love how you smell and how you feel." He caressed my cheek. "We may not have known each other long but you know me and I know you." He looked at me. "And I love that you call me Tommy." He said softly tears entering his eyes. "And everything that makes this relationship unworthy or anything below perfection is nothing compared to what makes us…." He trailed off trying to find the right words. "Us." He breathed, deciding on one simple two-lettered word.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the bookcase.
"I'm in love with you Jude; I'm in love with us." He said stepping away from me. "I'm here Jude, I just wish you were." He turned and walked away.
