Authors Note: To TheModernDayElf, because I can't message you...I know...poor Elladan. He has totally hijacked this story now!
At first he had been pleased to retreat to his father's settlement when he had fled there from Tirion but now it was a noose around Legolas's neck and he chafed to be free.
It was not that he was bored, he had no time to be as his father filled his days with endless meaningless tasks. He knew what he did and why he did it. Legolas was to be given no time to wallow. No time for himself at all. He must be busy at all times even when the busyness was pointless. It did him no good to complain however for all that earnt him were lectures about responsibility and the care of their people. If it had really been a matter of caring for his people he would not have minded but it plainly wasn't.
And they watched him, eyes upon him all the time. Getting time alone had become a major exercise. He knew why they did it, he had been foolish and his father was terrified but things hadn't been as they thought, his intention not what they assumed but as much as he argued and raged about the watch set upon him as if he was a child his father would not be moved and refused to believe him or his promises.
He felt he would go mad if things didn't change soon. He understood their fear but he could not bear the consequences.
It was a relief then a messenger called him from his latest tedious task to announce a visitor. Perhaps this would distract his father from his focus on Legolas or at least provide entertainment. But the relief was short lived when he saw who it was. He could see from a distance, the silken black hair, the broad shoulders, the presence of one of the Son's of Elrond.
Elrohir had found him.
He had run here to hide from Elrohir. The shock of seeing him in Tirion and the burning desire that flowed between them in the beach had frightened him. He did not want to love him. He would slice that love out of his heart. He had feared Elrohir would follow him despite him pleading with Elladan not to let him...and then when he didn't follow he had wished he had. He missed him with an ache that could never be relieved but he didn't want this. He didn't WANT it!
So at first when he glimpsed the half elf standing with his father his heart leapt, a thrill of joy and anticipation ran through him but it was too quickly followed by stomach churning fear, that was until he got close enough to see it was not Elrohir at all.
"Legolas!" Elladan called out to him with a smile and Legolas felt a sudden rush of anger...why was he here instead of his brother? It was Elrohir he wanted...
'But you don't want to love him.' the voice deep in his mind whispered.
"It has been too long," Elladan continued smiling lightly and Legolas struggled to disguise his scowl of disappointment.
"You have a visitor Legolas." His father instructed him somewhat unnecessarily, "can I trust you to entertain him."
"As much as you trust me with anything." he snapped back, why did his father make him behave so much like a spoilt child?
But Thranduil simply raised his eyebrows at the sulky tone.
"I trust you my son, with everything but yourself."
And out of the corner of his eye he saw Elladan's look of surprise.
Pointedly ignoring his father he turned to him.
"Elrohir is not with you?"
Perhaps he was...perhaps there was a reason he hadn't appeared yet...but he didn't want him to be here did he. Why this needless yearning?
"Not this time," Elladan smiled, "but I have bought a letter." and he held it out expecting Legolas to take it.
How he wanted to see that letter. He wanted to snatch it away and devour it and yet at the same time he was terrified of what it might contain. He was torn in two and he hovered, unsure, as Elladan stood and waited. In the end he could not resist and he knew he grabbed at it with undue haste in the end.
Despite wanting to open it that very second he could not. He wanted to be alone and that was a difficult proposition now with his father's eyes always upon him. He had to wait until the opportunity presented itself and that took some hours, all the while the letter burned a hole in his pocket, calling to him.
Eventually he escaped and he knew he did not have long. Someone would track him down. He retreated to his glade, with the talan Elrohir had helped him build, sat on the sand by the sea where he was his calmest and with shaking fingers opened it. What would it say?
In the end it disappointed him.
When he had last seen Elrohir at Tirion he had been rude and dismissive, desperate to force him away...to put a stop the love hidden in his own heart and yet when they had touched, oh the fire, it had engulfed him and a part of him had hoped...surely, surely Elrohir could not have helped but feel it. Surely he would realise what lay between them...what he had said he did not want...what Legolas himself did not want.
He had thought for a beautiful second Elrohir's letter may say just that, that he had changed his mind, that he had felt that fire too, that he was aflame with that desire also. He did not.
Instead of the deep heartfelt letter he wished for it was light, informative and friendly. Elrohir spoke of Tirion, things he had done, people he had met and he obviously loved it as Legolas had not. He had hated the place, he did not belong and the endless stone reminded him far too much of Minas Tirith, even though it did not resemble it at all. He could no longer think
of Minas Tirith without thinking of the pain of his last days there. He had only managed to remain in Tirion because he had known Elrohir would never look for him there.
But his hiding had done him no good. Elrohir had found him and even those brief meetings had bought home to him the fact he could not run from the hold Elrohir had on his heart. Yet still there was the fear, the blind crushing panic of the loss of him. The dream still haunted him, Elrohir just out of his reach disappearing into the depths and he would wake alone, heart pounding, struggling to breathe and overwhelmed by terror. His father did not know about the dream.
He tossed the letter aside. Nothing had changed. Either Elrohir had not felt the same rush of desire or it simply meant nothing to him. It was too painful to read his superficial, friendly words.
"Do not throw my brother aside so casually." Elladan's voice behind him was uncharacteristically harsh. He had not even known he was there and he turned startled to stare at him.
"He has agonised over that letter." he continued coolly.
"Agonised?" Legolas found his voice, "Why? It sounds as if he has barely given it a thought and I am not interested in his social life in Tirion."
"Why? Because he did not know how it would be received nor what you would wish to hear. Do not play games with him Legolas. If you do not want him then have the decency to tell him so."
He had to laugh at that,
"Me? Not want him? You have it wrong Elladan. It is Elrohir who does not want me."
"He has wanted you for years."
He wondered then how Elladan could have it so wrong.
"I am afraid you do not know him as well as you think for he has told me plainly otherwise."
"I DO know him and you are mistaken."
"I am NOT!" his anger flared. "It was unmistakable. He told me he didn't want me. Those were his very words."
Elladan sighed heavily and sat down beside him picking up the letter as he did so.
"He is never very good at expressing himself." he shrugged and Legolas wondered what he meant...what he meant by any of it. Distracted by thinking on it he did not answer and silence engulfed them.
"What did your father mean?" Elladan asked without warning and once again he managed to surprise him.
"About what? I do not know what he has spoken to you of." He hated to think what his father had been saying. Surely he would keep his worry private.
"When he said he did not trust you with yourself."
"Nothing." He was not going to be lead in to talking about that.
"It did not sound like nothing." Elladan tilted his head to look at him inquisitively.
It was obvious he was not going to be able to get away with saying nothing at all.
"I was foolish and he heard of it. I had no intentions... Not the ones he thought...it was accidental...he has jumped to conclusions."
"This is what Elrohir overheard you speaking of in Tirion." Elladan said earnestly. "Tell me of it, as you would not do properly when I asked you then."
"And what makes you think it is any of your business?" He snapped back.
"Because my brother cares for you no matter what the fool has told you, and Estel...he would wish me to watch out for your safety I think."
"And so you will appoint yourself my guardian on behalf of a dead man!" he did not need to be so vicious but he did not want to share this. "I have more than enough eyes watching me, more than enough people refusing to trust me. I do not need more!"
But Elladan was not deterred,
"Why?" He asked, "why do they not believe you if you are as safe as you say?"
"Because they assume it was something it was not!" He cried in frustration, "I just wanted to see her...I did NOT want not to BE!" and in his frustration he gave too much away.
Elladan leapt on it.
"You wanted to see who?"
And he knew he was defeated. He would not get away from here without an explanation.
"When I was in the water..." he began reluctantly, it was so hard to put it into the right words, " with Elrohir...I knew we would not make it...I could see the surface but I could not reach it and water was everywhere but it was peaceful Elladan. I was not afraid." he paused to collect himself. He did not for a minute expect Elladan to understand this. He would be someone else who watched him and doubted him in the end.
"I thought of my mother then...I thought at least if I had to die Elrohir would be with me and I would see her. She was so close. She was meant to be here! I was young when I lost her and all my life they promised me she would be here!"
He remembered his father then, holding the child Legolas as he wept at her loss, stroking his hair and promising him they would see her again. 'She will be waiting for us, little one," he had said and she had not been. He had believed so completely, a foolish, childish belief. It had been crushing to discover it was all a lie.
He had been alight with excitement that day, the day they arrived in Aman.
The joy bubbled within him so he could not contain it and it spilled out of him cascading over all around. He had driven Gimli to distraction as they approached the shore. He would see her...the moment was almost there, all these years and he would see her again. But as they drew nearer and he scanned the crowds he grew ever more anxious...where was she? He had not forgotten her face. He would know her if he saw her. His eyes roamed with ever increasing desperation over row upon row of people.
She was not there.
It had destroyed him.
He had gone straight to his father who stood tall and proud among their people There must be a reason, she was shy of the crowds and waited for him elsewhere perhaps , a private first meeting? But he knew he was only fooling himself and his father tore the last remaining hope from him.
He took him in his arms, embraced him and he knew, because his father always knew him inside and out, what was going on within him.
"She is not here my son," he whispered into his hair as he hugged him tightly. "She is not here yet. She will come, we must just wait a little longer."
But he was no longer a child,
Land he no longer believed him.
