I took a small sip of my coffee as I sat by myself in a booth at the café. It was almost 7 and everyone was getting ready to head off to work. Brooke had dragged me out of the house with her despite my protest for sleep. It had been decided for me that I was spending the day with Nate at the club again…it's not that I mind spending time with Nate…its just that I feel exhausted and I'd rather pass out then watch him work. It's not like I can really help him that much…I've only got one arm to work with at the moment.

"You two look really cozy last night…its amazing how perfect it all was." I looked up to find Haley in the seat across from me.

"Morning Haley…" I should have expected this…well I did…just not this early.

"Morning, now back to you and your wonderful night of talking and dancing and falling asleep…"

"Haley…stop…please…just friends…don't read more into it…please" She rolled her eyes at me as I continued to sip my coffee.

"All I was saying is that you looked like you had a good time and that you also looked very adorable sleeping on too."

"Hales…" I whined as I looked at her…I didn't want to have this conversation right now…or anytime in the near future. Lucas and I had spent the entire night talking and dancing…just having a good time. I took advantage of not having to deal with my life for one night and I really enjoyed myself for the first time in a long time. It was around ten when I started losing my battle with exhaustion. Lucas and had been sitting and talking in one of the booths and I laid my head on his shoulder. Before I knew his arm was around my shoulder and I was asleep. At some point I woke up when he moved and my head fell into his lap. He tried to pick my body back up but I batted his hand away before pulling my legs onto the seat and curling up with his lap as my pillow. "How did I get back to Brooke's yesterday?" I asked when I suddenly realized I had no clue what happened between that point and me waking up in the guest room in the middle of the night.

"Nate brought you over there" Haley laughed slightly at the confused look that had previously been on my face. "Luke was going to but Nate told him to go home because he had to get up in the morning and go to work."

"Yeah but Nate's here now so he had to get up too" I raised a brow at the brunette across from me.

"True but you and him will probably wind up back at our house when everyone else leaves to go to work. I'm sure you'll be sleeping for the rest of the morning" Haley laughed as she looked down at her watch.

"Where are you headed today" I asked as she got up from the table.

"Umm…over to Charlotte…maybe I'll hear something decent today" she shrugged her shoulder before waving bye. I waved back before dropping my head back against the seat and closing my eyes.

"Still tired…" I opened my eyes to find Lucas standing over me. "Why exactly are you here anyway…if you're this tired I would think you'd be at Brooke's still sleeping."

"I'd be very happy if that we're the case but Brooke forbid me from staying in the house all day and she dragged me out the door with her" I yawned as I closed my eyes again. I hadn't really slept well for the last few months…more specifaclly since I left Tree Hill after the funeral. Over the last few weeks my sleeping habits had worsened…between work and arguments with Stan I spent maybe 5 hours in bed each night…and only about two of those hours actually sleeping. Last night marked the end of my 4 week case of insomnia but I was still tired…beyond tired due to three months on absent rest.

"Here" I looked down at the table to find his house key sitting in front of me. "I'll tell Nate to drop you off at my house and you can get some sleep…you look like you need it."

"Luke…I'll be fine" I mumbled…not very convincingly considering that fact I yawned right after I said it.

"Normally I'd say fine because I know my brother's going back home to sleep…but he's going straight to the club from here." I was about to protest but instead of words out came another yawn. "And with that come back I win…" he laughed before leaning down and dropping a kiss on my head. "Get some sleep Peyt…I mean it" I nodded in response…didn't have the energy to be defiant right now.

I folded my arms on the table and dropped my head in them. I must have fallen asleep because was I opened my eyes I was laying on Luke's couch with my head on Nate's lap while he watched TV. "Ahhh…sleeping beauty awakes." He smiled before ruffling my hair which was now permanently straight. I batted his hand away as I sat up.

"How long was I sleeping" I questioned as I yawned again.

"About an hour…didn't wanna just leave you hear though. You're usually not such a deep sleeper." He looked at me worry evident in his brown eyes.

"Yeah…I know" I could feel my eyes closing again.

"Listen…Luke's bed is extremely comfortable and I would know…he had to kick my off of it almost every time I'm over here. That's besides the point though…go up there and sleep the rest of the day. Your eyes are red Peyt…you really need some sleep." I nodded absentmindedly as I fought to stay awake. "Call me if you need anything…now go" He pulled me off the couch and pushed me towards the stairs.

"Bye Nate" my voice was barley audible as I ascended the stairs. I heard him say goodbye before the front door closed. I went directly into Luke's room and collapsed onto his unmade bed…Nate was right…it was comfy. I closed my eyes but I couldn't fall asleep. The same thing had happened to me last night…I woke up at around 3 and couldn't get back to sleep. I just went in and out every ten minutes but it wasn't real sleep. I reached for the remote on the night stand and turned on the TV. I was hoping it would help me fall asleep but as I watched movie after movie my eyes only began burning more and more.

I'm not sure when it started but at some paint the tears had formed in my eyes and flown from my eyes. They rolled slowly down my cheeks and I eventually gave up on trying to wipe them away. The things that pisses me off is that I don't know why I just started crying and that's what makes me cry more. Deep down I know what it is…I have to know…my mind just hasn't figured it out yet and that in itself is tiring. I rolled over and culled my body into a ball in the middle of the bed…hoping and praying with everything in me that I would cry myself to sleep. It didn't hurt like this when I was sleeping.

I heard the front door open and close and then I heard the footsteps on the stairs. "Peyt…" I didn't turn around and I didn't respond to him….I didn't want him to see me like this…partly because I'm ashamed and partly because I have no way to explain myself. I closed my eyes tightly…praying for him to walk out the room. I felt his body hover over mine as he grabbed the remote from my hand, I let it slip out easily but I couldn't stop the shudder the shook my body briefly. He must not have seen my face and just thought I was cold because he turned off the TV and pulled the blanket over my body.

My cry remained silent as he left the room but the tears fell harder. I hated feeling like this…like something was wrong with me…like I'm a pathetic version of my former self. In high school I was full of fake smiles to hide my feelings…to hide my emotional pain. Now I'm ten years past that and I can't maintain that fake smile…I'm carrying an emotional pain so strong and constricting that it's becoming physical. What I'm going through now feels worse then any beating I received from Stan.

I'm surrounded by so many people that care about me and who would go to hell and back to protect me…but I feel extremely alone. I've distanced myself from people more now then I did ten years ago. My walls are so much higher and thicker that I couldn't trust someone if I wanted to. I've buried myself so far down in lies that I don't know how to find my way to the surface.

Heartache is what made me push people away before…fear of putting my heart on the line and having it shattered. Fear is controlling my life still but the fear is different because the heartache is self inflicted. I've never been able to trust people easily but now I can't even trust myself. I'm scared of myself and who I am because I've become my own disappointment. I've become the thing I've always despised most…weak and I still don't know how I got to be this way. I never pictured myself to be a person who would put up with four years of abuse. It wasn't until after the first year that I attempted to leave…I let him do this to me…over and over again. I let him hit me and force himself on me night after night for over a year before I got the never to try and leave him. I found the strength say its over and somehow I wound up in that apartment for another three years.

I had buried myself so deep in thought that I could feel how violently my body was shaking….all the while still silent. I felt the bed sink behind me and the blanket lift. He pulled me into him and I immediately turned my body and buried my face into his chest. "What's wrong" he whispered as he dropped a kiss on my head, his arms wrapped tightly around me and our legs tangled.

"I don't know…." I admitted truthfully. In all honesty I didn't know what made me start crying and I didn't know I why I couldn't stop. The answer was buried deep inside of me but I couldn't find it and the little bit that I did find and did understand couldn't be put into words.

"Whatever it is…I'm sorry" it was comforting and safe being wrapped up in his arms. The warmth of his body and the beating of his heart made me feel a little better…just like always…but I still felt unbearably alone. "Just hang in there Pey…whatever it is…it'll get better soon…I promise you it will" I closed my eyes as his words sunk in and knew I would be able to sleep. I had fallen asleep in his arms quite a few times since I had returned home, and I always slept decently until his body was no longer there. Despite the emptiness I was holding inside I could only sleep knowing someone was there. When I felt myself letting go I welcomed it happily...simply because it never hurts like this when I'm sleeping.

It's never easy and you never know

What leaves you crying and what makes you whole

There ain't no way that I can hold it down

Falling to pieces

Forever in doubt


But its alright, why don't you tell me again

How you'll still be there when the heartache ends

Well it's alright, why don't you tell me my friend

How you'll still be there when the heartache ends


There ain't nobody who can show you how

To find the surface when you're underground

There ain't no blanket that can hide this cold

And there ain't no memory that ever gets old


Buts it's alright, why don't you tell me again

How you'll still be there when the heartache ends

Well its alright, why don't you tell me my friend

How you'll still be there when the heartache ends


Well I move all directions, to the corners and the outskirts

While the lovers and the lonely start to whisper all about me

And if I stand here silent, I almost start to feel you fading in

Telling me hold on


Cuz it's gunna be alright, why don't you tell me again

How you'll still be there when the heartache ends

Well its alright, why don't you tell me my friend

How you'll still be there when the heartache ends

Say you'll be with me when the heartache ends

The song is 'When the Heartache Ends" by Rob Thomas