I woke up to an empty bed that night. I sat up and looked around…I couldn't see anything though…Lucas had closed the door and the curtains…its was almost pitch black in the room. I climbed out the bed and stretched before exiting the room. I found Lucas downstairs in the living room with Sam. I leaned against the wall and watched as they sat on the floor around the coffee table. Everything that had been on the table had been removed and placed on the floor to make room for the coloring books and crayons.
"Your not supposed to color outside the lines" Sam pointed to the few spot where Lucas had messed up. I couldn't help but smile as he stuck his tongue out at her.
"What would you say if I did this…" he took his crayon and started coloring in part of her picture.
"Hey…this one's mine" she snatched it away and stuck her tongue out before placing it back on the table and going back to work.
"Mind if I join you" I questioned. They both looked up at me and Lucas waved me over.
"Have a seat" he patted the floor and I sat down next to him. "Sam do you remember Peyton?" She nodded her head and waved at me.
"Hi…" I smiled her direction and she did the same before turning back to her pictures.
Luke moved closer to Sam and they began working on one of those large fuzzy posters with the makers that run out after a few minutes. I used to love those things as a kid…I just hated the stupid markers. I reached for a blank piece of paper and a pencil. It's been almost 4 years since I drew something other then a sketch for the magazine…it feels great. It didn't take long for me to recreate the image of them working on the poster together. At some point she had moved into his lap and that's where I chose to draw her.
"That's pretty" I looked up from my sketch to see Sam staring at it…then at me.
"Thanks…do you want it" she nodded her head and we exchanged smiles as I handed her the sketch. The drawing was one of those moments you like to remember but you can never really get a picture of it or catch it on film. I had just captured it for her and I was glad it made her happy.
"Thank you" she said with a yawn.
"Your welcome"
"Let's get you to bed" Lucas stood up and lifted his daughter into his arms. "You've got an early day tomorrow" She rested her head on his shoulder and yawned again.
"Goodnight Peyton" she waved goodbye to me with one hand while the other held onto the sketch.
"Night" I waved back before the retreated upstairs. I started picking up the crayons and putting them back in the box…in the proper order. I used to drive Brooke crazy when we were kids because my crayons had to be in color order when they were put away…I've always been meticulous about my art and utensils. Lucas returned a few minutes later and I had finished putting the box of 64 crayons in order and the coloring books were stacked in a neat pile.
"You didn't have to clean everything up" He stated as he put the vase and picture frames back on the table.
"It's alright…I didn't mind." We both stood up and headed into the kitchen.
"Sleep well" he questioned…there was something behind his smile that was making me wonder.
"Surprisingly…yeah" I raised a brow…I slept without him there and it must've been for awhile because he left to get Sam and then they looked like they had been coloring for some time.
"That's good" He ignored my suspicious look and pulled out two wine coolers from the fridge.
"Why" he handed me a drink and shrugged innocently.
"How would I know…I mean besides you being exhausted."
"Lucas…"
"I had to go get Sam and when I got out the bed you started waking up. You had only been asleep for an hour Peyt so I just gave you something to drink"
"What was so special about that drink that made me sleep by myself for another 5 hours"
"Okay…so maybe I crushed a slipping pill and mixed it in there…I'm sorry but you looked so tired and you wouldn't stay asleep and you looked so much more peaceful when you feel back asleep after that."
"It's fine.." I said cutting off his rambling.
"Really…" he questioned. I should've been at least a little upset…but I wasn't.
"Actually….thank you for doing that…I did need the sleep" I admitted as I sat on one of the stools and leaned against the kitchen island.
"Well…your welcome" he sat next to me and took a sip of his drink. "Umm…Brooke called…she said she wouldn't be home tonight but that she would put a spare key where it used to be at her old house and you could go there if you wanted."
"Is it alright if I just crash in the guest room tonight…I don't really feel like going anywhere…it's kinda late."
"It's not a problem."
"Thanks…" I traced the rim of the bottle with my finger tip.
"Wanna talk about it" I looked at Lucas in confusion. He pointed to my finger which was still tracing the top of the open bottle. I laughed lightly…he and Nathan had learned all my little habits in high school…it kinda sucks because I've never been able to hide what I'm feeling from them.
"Not really" I looked over at him and smiled sympathetically.
"It's fine"
"Luke" I began tapping my nails against the cool marble…another habit of mine.
"Oaky…I still hate it when you do that" he grabbed my hand and lifted it from the counter. I laughed…I sued to drive him crazy in high school…I'd tap my nails just to see him cringe.
"Sorry"
"Just don't do it anymore…anyways what's up" He asked as he let go of my hand.
"I…I'm not really into the whole pill thing unless it's absolutely necessary…and…ummm…yea so…" I was babbling and I knew it…I just wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to.
"Need some company…" he cut me off with a sly smile playing on his lips.
"Do you mind?" I bit my bottom lip as I looked up at him.
"Not at all…as long I get to sleep it's my bed"
"Deal" I laughed lightly as did he…his bed was more comfortable…a lot more comfortable. "So why does Sam have to be up early?" I questioned as I sipped my drink.
"Ohh…she's off to camp in the morning…it's a three week sleep away camp for kids between 4 and 8. I've been a little hesitant to let her go but Hales and Nate are sending Kristen so they'll have each other."
"Don't worry…she'll be fine and she'll have fun. I used to go to summer camp and I loved it. I remember the first summer I went my dad basically dragged me out the door because I didn't wanna leave Brooke all summer. Well I got to camp was miserable without my best friend for the first day but on the second day she showed up. She had spent the entire night whining to her parents and they…more specifically daddy's money…was able to get her a late admission. We had a blast and went every summer for the next 5 years until we hit middle school."
"I know she'll have fun…but I'm just have some parental attachment issues." We both laughed and he shrugged his shoulders helplessly. "I was a wreck her first day of kindergarten…she actually told me I could leave and led me to the door."
"Tell me your joking" he didn't respond and couldn't' suppress my laughter. "Lucas…"
"What…you wouldn't understand…just wait till you have a kid…then we'll see"
"Whatever…between you and Nathan…I feel really bad for those girls when they get into high school…I think I feel worse for the guys though."
"Hah…your dad threatened to beat my ass with a rake"
"Yeah…after you walked into the house and threatened to hit him with it" I cocked my head to the side. "Rake boy"
"Yeah yeah yeah…whatever." We only spent a few more minutes downstairs talking about nothing in particular before making our way up to his room. I once again spent then night in his clothes and in his arms.
I woke up to an empty bed again the next morning. There was a note on the pillow from Luke saying that he had gone to take Sam to camp and that he'd be back around 11. I looked over at the clock on the nightstand…he'd be here in about an hour. I pulled myself out of bed and put my clothes back on. If I didn't take too long I could walk to Brooke's, shower and change and then get back here before him. He was on vacation for the next two weeks so he was free all day and we had made plans to go to the beach and relax.
I walked back into his house 50 minutes later. I made my way down the hall and screamed when I felt arms slide around my waist. "Breaking and entering is a crime you know"
I turned around and hit him as hard as I could in the arm…anger blaring in my eyes. "Damnit Peyton…" he rubbed his arm and looked at me.
"That wasn't funny…damn you Lucas…" my hands were shaking as I shoved past him and towards the front door. He grabbed my arms to stop me form leaving.
"Peyton…I'm sorry…it was a joke…"
"Don't touch me" I screamed as I tore my arm away from him.
"Peyt…"
"Just leave me the hell alone" I stormed out of his house. I wasn't really that angry with him…I had no right to be…I was just scared. I think it might be safe to classify the feeling as terrified. When he grabbed me everything in me froze and I thought it was Stan. I'm so filled with unwanted memories now and I'm mad with him because he made them came back after he made them go away.
I wound up sitting on the beach, watching the waves crash along the shore. I just want to forget everything…there's only one way I've ever been able to do that though and I promised myself that I wouldn't be that person anymore…an hour of feeling nothing wasn't worth it in the end. But the longer I sit here the more I'm tempted to find some…from somewhere. I've always hated this feeling…like I'm so far down that I have to look to drugs to feel even slightly okay again. It's an awful thing and it makes my stomach turn every time…including now.
The tears won't stop coming as I pull my knees into my chest and burry my head. I hate Stan…not just because of the physical abuse I had to deal with but for the emotional abuse I'm still dealing with. He's instilled this fear in me and despite the fact that he's nowhere near me I can't get the fear to go away. It pisses me off because all logic and reason go flying out the window immediately now. I mean…how would Stan have gotten into Luke's house…that's number one…number two…Luke sounds nothing like Stan…nothing at all…there's no way I should've confused them.
I'm tired of feeling bad…of feeling worthless. I wanna scream that it's not fair but I can't because I know I did this to myself or at least I let it happen….for four years I let it happen. I was torn out of my thoughts as thunder roared and lightning lit up the sky. I hadn't even realized that it had gotten dark out…not because it's late, but because it's about to storm.
"Perfect" I mumbled as the rain started. I don't know where I'm supposed to go…Brooke's working, Haley's gone, Nate will make me talk to him and Lucas is the person I'm trying to avoid. So I'm just sitting here…getting soaked because I don't know what else to do. With the wind picking up a little bit of speed I know I can't sit on the beach much longer.
I jumped when I felt someone grab my arm. "It's not safe out here" I rain was falling so hard that I could barley make out the guys face but from the voice I knew it wasn't either Scott brother. My first reaction was to scream and that's just what I did. "Miss"
The fact that he just called me 'Miss' should've told me that he wasn't trying to hurt me, but I didn't know what else to think…I'm having a hard time trusting the people I've known for years…there was no way I was gunna trust a complete stranger. I pulled my arm away…a little too hard and as a result I could feel my arm pop out of the socket. It's done that quite a few times since I dislocated it a little over a year ago. That didn't stop me though…I took off, running as fast as my legs would carry me across the wet sand. I don't know what I'm running from because the further away from the beach I get the worse I feel. The one thing I never seem to learn is that I can't run from myself…not matter how hard I try…it's just not possible. I kept running though…right now all I want is too fell like I did this morning…I just wanna feel safe again.
I knocked hard of the front door…over and over until it opened. "Peyton…" I didn't wait for him to say anything…I just threw one arm around him and held him as tightly as I could.
"I'm so sorry…I never should've left" I whispered
"It's okay…"
"Luke I just got so scared…I shouldn't have but I did and I couldn't make it go away…I still can't."
"I used to do that to you all the time and it never bothered you…" he hadn't let me go and I was thankful.
"I though you we're him" it was barley audible but I know he heard me.
"Who…Stan" I didn't say anything and that's when he stepped and made me looked at him. His eyes were caught between my face and my wrist…not saying anything was telling him everything. "Peyton…" I still had nothing to say. "Peyt…please say something…anything has to be better then what I'm thinking right now"
"Lucas…" I tried to form words….to form a lie…anything…but there was nothing.
"Peyton…." The way he said my name…his voice was filled with disappointment and it made me cry harder.
"I'm sorry" I whispered as I looked down at the floor. He cupped my face in his hands and made me look at him.
"Listen to me…don't you ever apologize for what that smug son of bitch did to you. It was not your fault and don't ever think that it was." He hugged me too tightly and I flinched…not from fear, but from pain. He looked down at me and then noticed that my arm was hanging limply at my side. "How did you pop your arm out the socket" he questioned as he guided me into the living room.
"Some guy grabbed my arm to get my attention because I was sitting in the rain. I freaked and pulled away"
"Okay…but that shouldn't pop your arm out unless you've dislocated your shoulder...a lot." He paused as realization hit him he looked at me sympathetically. "So that means it can just be popped back in" I nodded…it had been pulled out so many times it barley hurt to set it back and I didn't move when he pushed my arm back into its proper place.
"Thanks" I wiped the tears from under my eyes and focused back on the ground as we sat on the couch.
"Look…it happened…it shouldn't have, but it did. If you want to we can but I won't make you talk about it because it over, you're here and you're safe and that's all that matter to me. I don't need details…at the moment they don't matter…I'm only concerned about you and making you feel okay…not scared….alright" I nodded in response…I didn't want to talk about…it just bought up bad memories that I wanted to forget more then anything.
"Not now…" I looked up at him willingly for the first time.
"How are you…I mean…I know it can't be good but just…how are you holding up" he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and I rested my head on his shoulder.
"I've been better…I'm kinda fighting fear and temptation and its…its just hard" I admitted without thinking about it.
"What do mean you temptation." There was no way to get out of this one…he knew what I was talking about…he just wanted to make sure.
"It never really went away during our senior year…it was always there…haunting me. When things started going really wrong it was the first thing that came to mind. It was easier in college because there were so many things I could do to take my mind off whatever was bothering me. Then things took a turn for the worse with Stan and I fell back into that place I never wanted to be in again. I knew kids that were selling and I went to them. Over four years I've let my self slip 16 times because it didn't hurt so when I wasn't thinking about it. Today I just wanted everything to go away…I mean he's in a different state and I'm terrified of him…I didn't wanna feel that scared but I don't wanna be that person anymore…the one that needs cocaine to feel better."
"So don't be…if you wanna feel better turn to someone instead of something."
"I know…its just hard…really really hard." I shook my head as I sat up.
"So what made you come home this time as opposed to any other time?"
"Brooke…she packed my suitcase and paid some guys to carry my out of my apartment and to her car. She made the decision for me to come home and I'll never be able to thank her enough for that"
"She knows Peyton…any of us would gone to the same lengths to get you out of there"
"I know that…I just don't get why I couldn't do it myself" the tears started again and they fell quickly down my cheeks.
"Because fear changed the way people think and interferes with their judgment. You were scared and with good reason. Peyt I don't know what went on in that apartment but I know something had to have happened to make you stay there. Whatever it was doesn't make you a weak person." He smiled down at me as he cupped my face with one of his hands. I leaned in a kissed him…I don't know what made me do it exactly…but I did. I guess it has something to do with his ability to always make that horrible feeling go away. I pulled away quickly when I finally realized what I had just don't.
"I'm sorry…I shouldn't have done …" he cut me off as he lips collided with mine, his hand finding my back and pulling me onto his lap.
Lucas's POV
It was wrong to kiss her back…she was over emotional….but I couldn't stop myself. Every night that I've held her in my arms I have to fight the urge to kiss her…I have to stop myself from telling her that I love her. I loved her since our junior year of high school…and even after she left she held a piece of my heart…a piece that to this day belongs only to her. When she showed up three months ago I couldn't deny how much I cared about her. With one night I fell in love with her all over again and I knew it wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me when we drove to my house the next morning. My heart broke when I saw the ring on her finger and it shattered when she actually said she was engaged. It took so much to just be friends and then I thought I had ruined it all the other night in the guest room. It felt so good to hold her in my arms that night and it hurt like hell when she ran away from me.
Somehow we wound up in a new position, her laying on the couch and me laying over her. God it feels good to be this close to her again…it feels wrong but too good to stop. I'm letting my heart rule over my mind and I can't stop it. We shouldn't be doing this and we both know it…yet neither of us is pulling away.
My lips trailed down her neck and I felt her push her body of the couch and into mine. Her legs wrapped around my waist and I instinctively stood up and let my arms help hold her up. I'm not sure how, but we made it upstairs and into my room. We immediately collapsed onto the bed. My hands sat on her hips and slowly slid up, pushing her shirt up her torso. She used her arm to push my hands back down.
"Lucas…don't" she whispered when my hands slid back up. Something in her voice and her movements tells me that she doesn't want this to stop completely, she just doesn't want me to do that one thing. I'm pretty sure I know why. I shift my body and plant a gentle kiss right above the edge of her jeans. My lips move up slowly and she once again tried to stop me, this time with both hands. "Luke…"
"It's okay…" I cover her hands with mine and gently move them to her side. She doesn't stop me but I can feel her getting tense. I slide her shirt up slowly and find out that unfortunately I was right. There are dark bruises on her upper stomach, some small and some big. I run my hand over the bruises lightly before leaning back down to trail kisses along her stomach. Her body lifts slightly as I pull the shirt over her head and toss it to the floor. I find her lips again and I stayed there until she relaxed again.
I hate the fact that she so insecure now…I hate what that bastard did to her. She didn't deserve this…any of it…ever. "I love you" I didn't mean to actually say it but I did and now things are probably going to become awkward…not that sex wasn't going to do that to our relationship anyway.
Peyton's POV
"I'm in love with you" the words just came out…it shocking but I don't care right now because it's true. I've never felt more comfortable then I do right now and while I'm telling him all this different things it can't hurt to throw that in there. He stops and smiles at me…a smile that reaches deep into his eyes. I don't know what's going to happen after this…I'm scared to think about it because I know that I'm not ready for what he is. All I know is what's happening right now and all I can do is trust that he'll be patient with me…I just wish it wasn't so hard to trust people …especially to trust him.
