"Hey" I whispered as I closed the door to the club behind me. Nathan turned around and smiled at me as I walked over.

"Hey you" I sat down at the bar and watched as he shuffled through one of the boxes.

"I kinda need to talk to you" it was coming up on 7 PM and I was shopping he would say he didn't have time.

"Alright…what's up" when I didn't say anything he stopped what he was doing and sat next to me. "Peyton…" he took my hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"It's about what I told you before…about coming home and all that" I couldn't look at him…no matter how hard I tried my eyes stayed on the bar top. I didn't really wanna tell him but out of everyone…Nate deserves to know most. He was there for me through thick and thin so it's not fair for me to shut him out like this.

"Okay…"

"I didn't leave because Stan accidentally broke my wrist." I stopped talking…I'm not sure how to put the rest into words…I still haven't actually said the words to anyone. Brooke just knew and Luke figured it out form what I didn't say.

"But that's what you told me happened" he let go of my hand and stared down at me…waiting.

"Nate…I…"

"What Peyton…what are you trying to tell me huh…that I asked you not to lie me and you looked me dead in my eyes and did it anyway. Is that what we needed to talk about" his words were laced with anger…all the way through from the moment they lest his mouth.

"I'm sorry" we both stood up and I stepped away from him and towards the door.

"For what…sorry for lying to me or sorry that your conscious is making you admit it." I can't take him screaming at me…not now…I'm too stressed out to stand here and listen to him.

"Sorry" I don't know if he heard me but I didn't wait to find out…I was out the door in seconds and heading down the streets of Tree Hill with a tear stained face. I wound up at Brookes…I was really hoping she went home…I needed to talk to her…I needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay and that my life wasn't falling apart at the seems.

The front door was open and I let myself in. I found her upstairs in her room flipping through a magazine. I knocked lightly on her door to grab her attention and she smiled lightly until she saw the tears. "Hey…"

"Peyton…what happened" she sat up on her bed and I sat next to her. She pulled me into her and my head fell on her shoulder.

"Everything's so messed up and part of me just wants things to go back to the way they were…at least I knew what was happening around me."

"Yeah and you we're getting the shit beat out of you as well so going back is not an option, it never was. What would make you even considered doing that" Her voice had changed from anger to concern.

"Nathan's pissed off at me…Lucas is fed up with me and he probably hates me too. He's disappointed in me, you're disappointed in me and I'm falling apart. I can't do this Brooke…"

"Can we backtrack for a second. Nate has no reason to be pissed at you and Luke does not hate you. Where are you getting this from"

"I just came back from the club and Nate's mad cuz I lied to him. He started yelling so I left. I went to the club from Luke's and everything was fine until I freaked out on him."

"Okay…care to elaborate on the Luke situation since that happened first."

"I stayed over there last night because by the time I woke up it was really late. Well he had to take Sam to camp this morning so I came back here to change and when I got back to his house he grabbed me from behind and I freaked on him and ran out the house."

"Peyton…he'll get over that" Brooke grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly.

"He did get over it…I went back there and told I'm I was scared because I thought it was Stan and he read between the lines and figured out what I've been hiding."

"So you think he hates you because of that…Peyton" there was disbelief and sympathy present in her voice.

"No he wasn't mad over that…at least not at me."

"Okay…now I'm lost…I don't get how he could possibly get pissed off after that"

"Maybe because I left him in the bed" She pulled back and stared at me, brows raised fully.

"How do you mean…like you we're sleeping and you got up and left without waking him…or do you mean you left him a little…" she waved her hands while looking for the words…."elevated." Only Brooke.

"Which one would make him frustrated."

"Whoa…okay…lets go back a little bit…lets start with…maybe…how the hell you two wound up like that in the first place."

"I kissed him and he kissed back. We wound up in his bed and somewhere along the way he told me he loved me and I said it back" I saw the shock on her face as she gaped at me.

"You two said what" She shook her head slightly. "Did you mean it" she watched me nod and a slight smile appeared over her face. "Aww Peyt…"

"Yeah…but then I freaked out again and I just…Brooke I had to get out of there."

"P Sawyer…I don't get it…how could you tell him you love him and then just…leave"

"Because…Brooke I can't go there with him…I'm not ready for any of that…a relationship or a one night thing."

"Okay…whatever…and why is Nate mad…what did you lie about" Brooke raised a brow again and waited for me to answer.

"About why I came home…I told him that Stan accidentally broke my wrist and that I just needed a break"

"You still didn't tell him did you" I shook my head.

"I went there planning too…I mean it's Nathan…if it weren't for him I cant say I'd still be alive right now so he deserves to know whatever's going on in my life" Brooke looked like she was about to chew my head off but stopped when the doorbell rang.

"I'll be right back…don't move…we have a lot to talk about." Brooke pointed her finger as me before going downstairs. She returned a few minutes later and sat back in her previous spot on the bed.

"Who was it" I questioned, hoping to avoid the subject of me for just a little longer.

"Alex…but I told him to call me back in an hour or two because I was busy…see I answered your question and kept us on topic." She smirked over at me…she knows me too well.

"Brooke you didn't have to do that"

"Yes I did…so let's go back to Nathan and lying to defend that ex fiancé of yours who never should have been more then a disgusting bed stain." She smile sweetly before scowling.

"Brooke…what do want from me" my voice was crueler then intended. "I didn't come back here on my own…you dragged me back to Tree Hill…I wasn't ready for any of this. I wasn't ready to let the words know what was going on with me. I didn't ask for people to know what my life had turned in to so I wasn't planning on telling everyone."

"But Nathan is not everyone…Peyton he's Nathan"

"I know that…and I know what he's done for me."

"Then why can't you just tell him…you told Lucas…you told me…so why not him."

"I did not tell you…you found out on your own…I didn't tell Lucas either…he figured it out because I didn't deny it. You don't know what it's like to watch the people you love look at you like they're ashamed of you. You might not say it out loud but your eyes say it every time you look at me. Brooke you have no clue how much it hurts to have everyone that matters disappointed in you…I don't want Nathan to look at me like that…god…I think I'd rather have him pissed off over me lying then pissed and disappointed from the truth."

"I'm not disappointed in you…I told you that…I just"

"You don't understand it…I know that…but Brooke I did something that you didn't ever want me to do…that equals disappointed. It's just like high school when everyone found out about the coke…I'm getting the same feeling now that I was then and it's tearing me apart. Brooke I didn't wanna come home because I knew I couldn't deal with this…I wasn't ready to face this and now I don't have a choice. Everything's coming out because I can't avoid it…my emotions won't let me. I'm still trying to keep things from everybody and I'm getting pissed off at myself because I never stopped him from doing this to me." I lifted my broken wrist slightly as the tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Peyton…how many times has he broken your wrist…or any other bone in you body for that matter" Her voice was quiet and hesitant…like she didn't really want to know…she probably doesn't.

"I don't know…" I wasn't lying to her…I honestly I have no clue how many times I've worn a cast or brace of some sort.

"What do you mean you don't know" Her face was one of pure shock/

"He's broken my wrist 4 times, I've dislocated my shoulder 17 times but that doesn't really hurt anymore, I've broken my leg twice, twisted my ankle an unknown amount of times, my arms been broken twice, and I don't know how many times I've had broken ribs because most of the time I don't know if they're cracked or bruised. So like I said…I don't know" My voice was bitter and I was fighting back tears. I didn't wanna talk about this…I didn't ask to…I wouldn't have been lying to people if I was ready to talk.

Brooke's eyes were glistening with her own tears but my anger towards her didn't fade much. I love her to death and I'm grateful that she got me the hell out of that apartment but she honestly thinks that talking about this is going to make it all better…that it's going to stop this damn pain and confusion. It's fear of this miserable feeling that stopped me from coming home in the first place.

I looked down at the ground and out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the door. Nathan walked slowly around the corner and locked eyes with me…all the anger he previously had was gone from him and now in me. I glared over at Brooke…how could she.

"He deserved to know Peyton…you ever said it yourself. Nate should know what's going on and you weren't gunna tell him. I just don't get why you didn't tell him in the first place." I watched as Nate walked over to me. He kneeled down in front of me and grabbed both of my hands.

"Peyt…did you really think I would be mad at you" I can hear the disbelief in his voice…that thought probably hurts him as much as it hurts me. "I'm not…I'm just…"

"Disappointed" I muttered, filling in the word he was trying to avoid. Tears streamed quickly along my face as Nathan tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "I didn't want you guys to mad or disappointed with me and now you all are"

"I am not disappointed in you…I just…I don't understand…the old P Sawyer that I grew up with never would have let this happen…so I'm trying to wrap my head around this and I just cant…no matter how hard I try I don't understand. What happened…something had to have happened to change you…to make you stay" Brooke watched me…waiting for me to give her some kind of sign to say that she was right…I did nothing but sit there and let Nate wipe away the tears. She was drilling holed into me and she wasn't planning to look away anytime soon.

"Brooke.." my voice cracked as my eyes pleaded with her to just drop it. Maybe she was right but that was a whole other subject I didn't wanna face.

"Brooke can I talk to her" We both looked at Nathan and Brooke finally nodded her head and left the room. Nate sat in her spot and pulled me into his arms…all I could do was keep crying. "Peyt…please talk to me…you used to be able to talk to me about anything…so talk to me now…what happened."

"Nate…I…" I don't know what to say…I don't wanna lie to him…but I don't wanna talk to him.

"No…I'm not just gunna tell you its okay and let you talk later…I want you to talk to me now…don't be afraid to open up to me…I don't get it and I need you to make me understand what happened. It doesn't sound like the Peyton any of us knew…what happened to you."

"I was stupid" I looked down into his lap as my head rested on his chest…I couldn't look him in the eye…I wouldn't.

"You are not stupid…you just made a mistake is all…now explain it to me" he was calm…between his voice and his even heartbeat I can tell he's not mad.

"Nathan please…I don't wanna talk about it" I was begging him…I would do anything if he would stop the conversation now.

"I don't care…your not going anywhere until you talk to someone…this is eating you up inside…I can see it in your eyes that you are being torn apart…why"

"Because…"

"Because what"

"Because I was stupid and weak." He was going to make me talk. He squeezed my hands tightly and his arms were wrapped snugly around my body.

"Peyton…"

"I was in my last year of college…I was having a good time and being a college student because it was the end of the semester. I went to a party with my roommate. Her name was Cassie and we had found a way to be roommates for the entire four years we where together. I wasn't feeling well and I got a really bad headache during the party and I asked her to take me home and she agreed. We were driving back and we went through an intersection and some drunk guy ran the stop sign and slammed into the driver's side. Cassie died instantly I wound up with a few bruised ribs and a twisted ankle. I felt so guilty…I was the one that asked her to bring me home…the dorm wasn't that far…I could have walked it but I didn't want to and she died because of it."

"Peyt …she died because some idiot decide to get wasted and then get behind the wheel… that wasn't your fault"

"I felt like it was…I spent almost half year blaming myself for her death and then I met Stan. He was great at first and he got me to stop feeling so bad. In the process of getting rid of the guilt I started doing the one thing I told myself I wouldn't do again…I started depending on him like I did with Jake at the end of Junior year. Jake had come to the rescue and I felt alone and he was there so I leaned on him and let him control me and how I felt. I really thought I loved him…and I did the same thing with Stan. It was a couple of months after we started dating that I told him I loved him because once again I thought I did. After that the arguments started and then one day he hit me and all the sweet talking he used to stop me from feeling guilty about Cass was used to make me believe that it was my fault that he hit me. I actually believed him when he told me I asked for it and I believed him for almost a year no matter what he did to me." I shouldn't have said that…I knew it as soon as Nate's heat rate increased.

"What do you mean by that…what…"

"Nathan don't okay…just…don't" I pulled away from him and looked down to the floor.

"Come here" he pulled me back to him and held me tighter as he dropped a kiss on top of my head.

"When I finally tried to leave, he broke my wrist for the first time and I got scared. After that I didn't stay because I thought I deserved it…I stayed because I was too scared to go anywhere."

"Peyt…none of what happened was your fault and you didn't deserve any of it." his voice was firm yet gentle.

"It doesn't make me feel any better about it though and it sure as hell doesn't make it hurt any less."

"Everything's gunna be fine…I promise you that everything will be fine" he spoke in that same kind of voice as he gently rubbed my arms. It was a quality about him that I had learned to love in high school. After everything that had happened over the summer before senior year I just couldn't seem to find the point to life anymore. From Jake and Brooke leaving…to Elizabeth and some psycho stalker…I felt like I was being shattered into a million different little pieces. I wanted to feel better so I went to Rick and bought cocaine. Nate walked in on me holding a book in my hand, one long line of powder stretched across it. He looked at me and asked if I was trying to kill myself…I'll never forget how pissed off he looked…it showed on his face and was rotted deep in his eyes. It was when I didn't answer and looked away in tears that his expression softened. He stayed with me that entire night and spent almost every day of that summer by my side. He had said those same words to me every time I broke down with him…that everything would be fine, he always promised that as long as he was around, everything would be fine.

My words were literal when I told Brooke that I might not be alive if it weren't for Nate.