Title: When all you could do is love yourself

Author: BlackFenra

Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!

Rating: Mature

Character: Shuichi Shindou

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breathe and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

Chapter 5: Grotesque Mirage/Sister's Love

Shuichi made his way to the hallways he knew so well. The furry carpet that graced his feet tickled his toesies and made him feel comfortable. He ran a finger in the peach-painted walls while trying to pass through closed rooms. Then he caught sight of something familiar: a beautiful couch. It was so inviting that he slowly took the beauty of it in his eyes. He was about to get closer to the couch when the sound of a door being opened took his attention. When he turn about to see what it was, his eyes widened at the sight. There, hurriedly taking his shoes off, the blue backpack being dismissed in the corner, coat being thrashed in the couch, was HIM.

"TA-dai-ma! YUKI~~~" the sing-song voice echoed through the house. The him that he saw went pass him and with extreme eagerness opened the only room with steel door and there revealed a beautiful blonde man. He was so engrossed in a laptop, his hands moving in a fast manner but still contained elegance at every flick of his fingers. Shuichi, now curious, slowly moved towards the other him, trying to remain incognito. The other him tackled the man, who easily dodged the attempted contact by wheeling himself a few meters short. Then when he showed his face, Shuichi noticed the icy demeanor of the blonde man towards the other him. There were no emotions shown on his gorgeous face but he saw the scowl when the other him tried to get closer.

Somehow he felt like he had seen this somewhere before. And what's more, the scene had caused some unpleasant sensation in the pits of his stomach. He put his hand to where his heart is, feeling the ache that's starting to grow.

"GET OUT! STAY AWAY FROM ME BRAT!"

Shuichi was startled at the harsh words that's coming out of the blonde man's sexy lips. He started to tremble in fear when he violently pushed the other him out of the door and slammed it into his face. But just before he could react, he heard sobs. Sobs that are painful, agonizing, heartbreaking. Though there was a feeling emanating from inside him to go and comfort the other him, he just stood there agape. Lost.

The other him stood up on his own, his pink hair covering the other half of his face, and then turned around to his direction. Shuichi felt his heart shattered when he saw his face covered in tears. And then suddenly, his sympathy turned into horror as the tears turned into blood, trekking down the puffy red cheeks and eventually dripping on the carpet. It even made a sound that hurt Shu's ears, terrifying him more.

The boy looked up, and then slowly brushed his pink hair, ruining its beautiful fix. Shuichi was spooked out of his mind when he stared at the same boy's eyes. It was a shade of purple and lilac, but it is nothing pretty. It is devoid of any life, it's hollowness sucking Shuichi's breath painfully. Blood still gushed out from his tear ducts, like a faucet being left unfixed.

And then a crestfallen laugh filled the air. Shu dropped on to his knees and covered his ears. No, his laugh isn't anything sweet. It is filled of bitterness and misery. Shu's anxiety escalated, he doesn't know what's going on anymore. His heart throbbed painfully, his head is spinning and he's losing control with his bodily reactions.

THUD!

Everything went into silence. Shu can no longer hear the insane laughter nor the violent sobs. He lifted his head slowly, praying to all the gods that he know that he'd be out of there. He can't feign his fear, he is trembling from head to toe, his sweat trekking in every part of his body. His lips quivered. The boy who was standing right in front of him a moment ago is now lying there on the floor, emotionless. But his eyes kept a steady gaze on Shuichi, not blinking one bit. Shu's body shuddered at the stage-like play right in front of him.

Shu moved backwards as fast as he can away from the scene. But something caught his feet. He knew he was restrained by an invisible rope. He tried to scamper but it was of futile hope. The ropes had caught up to his arms and it bleed heavily. Finally it got his neck. The rope tightened around his slender neck and Shu dropped above the beautiful couch he adored.

"No...way... Some...s-s-somebody!... Help! H-h-help... please..." Shu closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath. All the while struggling to break away from this seemingly horrific setting.

When he open his eyes, he freaked out. The other him now lowered himself to Shu, his fingers calloused and crooked, ran through Shu's face and into his neck, forcing the ropes to impossibly tighten around his neck. Shu is now trying to force away the hands of the boy. He is not going to lose his life.

"How do you like this?" The boy then kissed Shu's face and ran his fingers in his same pink hair. "You said you'll die without him, right? Then why don't we die together?" He grinned insanely, terrifying Shu.

Suddenly, all the ropes that entangled him disappeared and made Shu a little bit thankful. But it never stopped there. The next thing he knew, the same hands that touched him a while ago is now on his neck, choking him again to death. The boy's face contorted into the likes of many demons in the fairy tales his mom always tell his sister.

"You... Stop..."

But the boy never heard him. "You are such a beautiful thing, you know. It is such a waste to leave you to this dirty, cruel world."

"No... Release me... I need to live... Somebody still needs me..." Shuichi struggled until he felt that his strength is slowly fading. He can't lose to this kid.

"Who needs you? No, we only need each other. You see, you only need me. And I need you to be free."

"Who are you?" Shuichi asked in between coughs.

The boy smiled wickedly. "I am the you that you need to survive."

"No! Who are you really? I am not you!"

The boy suddenly broke into the laughter. "You are such a lovely innocent thing. But believe me, that is something you won't need anymore." The boy then yanked Shu's shirt and forced him to stand up to his feet. He suddenly feel all the blood coming out of his body. He felt dizzy but he made no move to complain. He was far too weak against this boy. They went straight to a mirror he hadn't realized was there.

"Look, Shuichi. Look at yourself right now."

Shuichi tried to tear away his sight of him at the mirror. But then, the boy held his chin and made him face it again, against his will obviously.

"Look at the mirror and tell me what you see."

Shuichi cried silently. What he saw in the mirror was a lifeless, soulless, deathly HIM. He held his breath when he saw that part of him that was empty. HIS HEART. It wasn't there where it was supposed to be.

"Where is it?" He weakly point a finger to the part where he was incomplete.

"Oh, that? I do know where that is now. But it's being held prisoner, you see. Do you still want the old one?" The boy held his gaze intensely. "Never mind. Here, I'll give you mine. You need this more than everything right now."

Just as the boy finished putting his own heart on Shuichi's, the steel door opened.

"Do you happen to be looking for this?" The cold tone of the blonde man from awhile ago made the two of them turn a head. Shuichi's eyes widen when his eyes happen upon the very thing that he was looking for.

"Don't be afraid of him. He can't do anything to hurt you." The reassuring tone of the boy made Shuichi calm down a bit. But what happened next was unexpected.

"YU~Ki~" The boy sweetly smiled to the man.

"Hey, Brat." The blonde smiled dangerously. "You're going to get out of my life now, won't you?"

"Do you really want me to? You're going to miss me you know, you bastard." The boy sarcastically remarked.

"Oh no, I don't think I would, idiot."

"I love you, YUKI~"

Before Shuichi could comprehend the meaning of this unusual exchange of sentences, the boy dropped dead on the floor.

The shock that overcame Shuichi was unexplainable. And then he turned to stare at the blonde man who was laughing triumphantly. There, in his hand, was the crushed heart that he once owned.

And then he realized... it could have been him. But he was saved, by that courageous HIM.

Yes, the one lying dead on the ground was a part of him. He was a grotesque mirage, but it was the same Him.

He could only cry.


Shuichi woke up panting and out of breath. The horrible dream just now took all of his energy and he once again, felt weak to the bones. How many nightmares does he have to overcome to be able to get pass his heartbreak? He's had enough and yet they kept on coming to him, no one to keep them at bay. Because the one who's supposed to chase them away is the reason why they had come back at full force. Damn, his nightmares might one day kill him soon.

"Shu? Are you all right?"

Hearing another person's voice jerked Shuichi.

"Suguru? W-wha... What happened?"

Shuichi took in his surroundings and surprised that he was not alone anymore. Aside from Suguru, there was K, Tohma, Maiko, and Sakano.

"Hey, everyone..."

Suguru, K and Maiko all exhaled a breath of relief. Sakano wiped his sweat on his forehead while Tohma smiled comfortably.

"Nii-chan, what happened to you? Do you feel bad somewhere?" Maiko was the first one to approached him after a moment of silence. She hugged her brother tightly and let tears fall. "I thought you're not going to wake up anymore. You had me worried there!"

"Hey, imouto..." Shuichi knew that her sister was more than as emotional as him, though she was much more logical when it comes to stuffs. If she starts to cry, there is no better solution than to let her. Shuichi closed the space between them by pulling her nearer and embraced her as tightly as he could.

"Hey, Maiko. don't you have university classes?" Shuichi tried to crack a joke as to ease the tension that was building up, though he was very close to crying. Her sister's comforting hug provide a temporary relief to his aching heart.

Maiko released herself from the embrace and playfully slap his brother's shoulder. "Baka Nii-chan! Why do you say stupid things at this time? I am so dead worried about you!"

Shuichi smiled gently. "I know. Thank you, Maiko. I'm such a proud brother." He planted a small kiss on her sister's forehead and once again asked for a hug to which her sister obliged.

After a long hug, Maiko sat beside Shuichi, letting her brother rest on her shoulder.

"We will wait for you two outside." That and the guys silently went out of the door, leaving the siblings in their own world.

They just let the moment pass staying that way, Maiko softly brushing her brother's pink locks.

"I know now, Nii-chan..." Maiko started.

"You do? Then I guess the guys beat me to it to tell you. Sorry, Maiko. Your brother can only be this strong."

Maiko chuckled. "That's why I'm lending you my strength. That's what siblings are for, right?"

"I love him, Maiko. I love them. So much it hurts." Shuichi let the tears fall. He know he can confide in his sister without being judged or ridiculed.

"I can see that, Nii-chan. Seguchi-san told me everything."

"Was he the one who contacted you?"

Maiko slowly nodded. "Yeah. But I didn't know what it was about. Not until we arrived here and Fujisaki-kun was frantic about you not waking up."

"I had bad nightmares. The daylight can't even save me."

"You know you are not alone, right? You have us here. Me, Mom, Dad, your friends... I'm sure your fans, too."

"Ah, Maiko... I don't know if I can do this. My heart is crushed. I felt like bleeding."

Maiko pinched his brother's shoulder. Shuichi yelped. "Aw! What's that for?!"

She glared down at him. "You! Don't even say that! You're this very far now, Nii-chan. Don't tell me you're going to just surrender to despair, please. That's the last thing I'm going to hear from you."

"I love you, sis. You're the best!" Shuichi snuggled closer to his sister, as if it could ease the turbulent tides in his heart.

"I love you more than anything, Onii-chan. After all, you're my one and only dear brother." Maiko wiped Shuichi's tears and happily hugged his brother.

"Hey, doesn't this feels like we're confessing to each other?"

"Eww! I am not a fan of incest, thank you."

The Shindou siblings stared at each other and finally burst into laughter. Shuichi somehow sensed that it had lift up some burden in him. Nothing beats family love. He had proven this quite true now.

"Anyway, Tohma and the rest had concocted a plan. They had me joining and I felt like doing things for you."

"Plan?"

Maiko gave out a hearty laugh. "You'll soon know when you get out of bed."

"You better be safe joining them. It's a circus when K and Tohma's included."

Instead of answering Shuichi, Maiko held his hands. "Thank you for waking up, Onii-chan..."

Shu patted his sister's head lightly. "You better not tell Mom & Dad. They'll worry too much."

Maiko smiled. "I promise."

Shuichi was about to get out of his bed when his stomach resonated a familiar sound. Maiko giggled and gently gripped his brother's hand, helping him stand steadily on his feet and dragging him out the door. "Come! Let me ask K-san if I can cook something for my dearest Onii-chan."

Shuichi laughed. "You are really the best!"

Maiko winked. "You bet!"


AN: Grotesque Mirage: Means your most horrible reflection. In the story, it pertains to Shuichi's fears, complexity, anguish, pains and weak resolve to change. In other terms, his dark part.

I had to include a story about her sister's love. Their wasn't too much interaction with the Shindo siblings in the manga/anime and so, i think what's happening to shuichi right now should be a concern to his sister.

How do you like it? Please don't kill me with the parts with somewhat OOC's. By the way, I thank the followers and for the sweet reviews! Cool! I'm going to finish this story! I'm the hellbent one here, not Shu-chan! 3