Title: When all you could do is love yourself

Author: BlackFenra

Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!

Rating: Mature

Character: Shuichi Shindou (Hence the story was in his perspective of the things that happened)

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breath and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

AN: This is the update to the struggle of Shuichi. Will he be able to live through this? Or will he get revenge? But Shu's an angel so I hope he won't. He needs to see what he is worth himself. Hello readers! Please don't forget to leave a review! And thank you followers and favorites, I just started this 3 days ago and yet I am so inspired that I really want to thank you. Visitors, please tell me what you think! I'll try to accommodate. Okay, let's continue /O.O/

Chapter 7: Revelation of the Secreted and Comfort of the Afflicted Part 2

After everyone exchanged greetings with Ayaka, the Kyoto beauty sat beside Maiko and tried to sat comfortably. She then accepted the plate passed by Suguru who went to get her a plate after her unannounced arrival.

"Thanks, Fujisaki-san."

Suguru murmured a low "No worries" before going back to his side of the table.

"Ayaka, how are you doing?" Tatsuha, who came from the kitchen to get a pitcher of water, inquired.

Ayaka's expression changed. "If I say I'm fine, that would be lying straight to your face."

Everyone in the table silently agreed. Who would be okay when you just find out about your boyfriend being the uke to his best friend's lover? Anyone who would be in the same shoes would freak out.

"Typical answer but a very reasonable one." Tohma who was finished on his meal is now eating his dessert, a strawberry shortcake baked impromptu by Sakano.

"Hey Ayaka, long time no see." Shuichi greeted without looking at the girl. He was helping himself with his dessert as well. He needs his sugar rush.

Ayaka acknowledged him. "Hey Shu. How have you been?"

"Still kicking and alive, but barely." Shuichi stated briefly, leaving Ayaka in disbelief.

"How did you manage to be so calm about this, Shu?" Ayaka leaned to get a closer look on the pink-haired singer's expression.

Shuichi turned his head towards the expectant cherubic face of Ayaka. "How? I guessed I got so used being hurt and taken for granted that I was thinking I am pretty immune by now. That's how I managed to get by."

"I can't believe that Hiroshi! I thought- I tried to trust him that he won't be breaking my heart like that Eiri! And now... Oh, God, my head..." Ayaka clenched the palm of her right hand and tried to massage her temples with the left.

"Did you confront Hiro-nii about it?"Maiko stood up from her seat and went to the refrigerator to get more desserts. The younger Shindou swiftly moved across the kitchen to the hall, setting the plate of shortcakes on the long table."How long did you know about it anyway?"

Ayaka shook his head slightly."No. I didn't have the guts to do so. I did try many times but we didn't have much time to be together because of Bad Luck's promotional concerts."

"So, I take it he doesn't know that you know."

Ayaka took out a deep breath."Yes. And to think I've held on for this secret in more than 4 months. It made me sick to the core."

It was Shuichi's turned to gasp."Ayaka?"

"Sorry about that, Shu. But I don't think I can ruin your beautiful momentum while performing."A sad smile graced the Kyoto beauty's lips.

"Let me ask you back now. How were you able to hold on?" Shuichi is now intensely glaring at Ayaka. The girl noticed it and tilted her head with amusement, her eyes never leaving Shu's agitated look.

"How? I guess because I felt that Hiro never really loved me. I overheard him say to Eiri that I was too boring and that I was still not over about your lover, too."

"You're smiling."Shuichi pointed out.

Ayaka chuckled."Because I feel free and happy. I am unloading unnecessary burden."

Shuichi unconsciously pouted. He can never win against Ayaka's witty retorts. That's why she was a good match to Eiri when it comes to arguments and debates.

"When I heard that you've finally knew, I was already imagining a mopping and wild Shuichi running about. Or maybe, a bit suicidal. But looking at you,"Ayaka eyed him from head-to-toe,"you're nothing like that."

"Disappointed?"Shuichi sneered.

Ayaka waved her fingers in the air."No. Just curious why you remained sane."

"Good point."Shuichi relaxed on his seat."Maybe because I see no point in rubbing my own wound with another serving of salt. Besides, why do I need to kill myself painfully if my nightmares are capable of that?"

"He can love himself, why bother forcing his existence to someone who don't give a damn?"Suguru blurted.

Shuichi gave a two thumbs up to the keyboardist, implying that he liked the comment."You're really a genius, Suguru. You should be rubbing off that genius on me."

"Don't you feel bad about it, Ayaka-chan?"Reiji asked, her itch to speak visible."You're a woman, after all. At least, a little respect must have been considered."

Ayaka faced Reiji and sighed."If he really considered what this tryst will do to our two-year relationship, he shouldn't have involved himself in the first place. He just proved himself how weak he is to temptation, be it may with a woman or a man."

"Everything's up to us, Ayaka."Shuichi's distressed tone reached the girl's consciousness."We either stay with them or leave them. If we stay, we get hurt. If we leave, we still get hurt. Two actions will bring the same emotions, but will give us different results."

Everyone was caught offguard with that statement. Now they really understand Shuichi's resolve to end everything.

"May we hear what this results would be for you, Shindo-kun?" Tohma asked nonchalantly, patiently waiting Shu's answer much like everybody else does.

After taking a slow, deep breath and exhaling the remaining of it, Shuichi answered."If I stay with Yuki, in my case, the same events will just repeat itself. I go tell him how I feel about him, but always ignored. I go to work and he doesn't give a damn if I'm home unless he needs someone to... relieve that stress from writing. It was I that needed him, and he is using that to his advantage and I let him."

"If I choose to stay, I'd this hunch that I will still be stabbed behind my back, while I struggle to keep myself together. This cycle will repeat in an unending circle, and I might have broke down before seeing the end. My love will never be acknowledged. I had a high-paying job, a successful career, a huge circle of friends, a very supportive family. But my lover who I thought who will complete that empty part is abandoning that space I kept for him."

"I never thought I'd hear that from you, Shu-chan."Ryuichi, who remained silent for the whole time spoke up unsmiling, indicating that he was taking this talk seriously."So, what do you think will happen if you choose to leave instead?

"If I leave?"Shuichi's eyes flared with determination. "I would still be feeling devastated. But I know it wouldn't be long before I become okay again. I can't remain sad for too long, that I know. I have a life to live and I have dreams to fulfill. I am not perfect, but at least I realized I deserved better treatment. I will continue to sing and perform, and I will continue to grow."

Ryuichi smiled and held Kumagoro. It's amazing how he can shift from a devastatingly sexy music legend to someone who is likened to a 5-years old child."Then, Kumagoro and I will help you, na no da!"

Shu showed his appreciative smile."Thank you, Ryu. I'll gladly accept."

"Won't you miss Aniki, Shu?"

The pink-haired singer turned to his lover's younger brother and smiled painfully."You know I would miss him dearly, Tats. But it's not reason enough to stop life."

"So, Ayaka, you're going to break up with Hiro?" K calmly questioned Ayaka, though he might already have an answer to that.

Confirming his thoughts, Ayaka nodded slowly."But that's why I am here, right? Both Shuichi and I need the perfect timing to let those two know we are done with them. There's no fun in hastening what could be done slowly and elegantly."

"You're such a sadist, Usami-san." Suguru sarcastically complimented the brunette.

"Why, I've been told many times. Thanks!" Ayaka grinned in an unfeminine manner.

"So, did you see Aniki and Hiro do it?" Tatsuha menacingly grinned towards Ayaka, which earned him a slap in the head. "Oww, oww~"

"Don't ask a lady that! But if you want my answer, yes." She sat back on her chair and took a serving of the cake.

"Whoa!" Tatsuha laughed. "That was a quick answer. And-"

"I'll spare you the details. I just barely eaten, idiot Tatsuha." Ayaka gritted her teeth. But that question brought Ayaka back to the moment she long tried to forget...


-FLASHBACK-

"Goodness! Everytime I get here, he isn't here! He was supposed to be here an hour ago! Practice is supposed to end at this hour!" Ayaka went on her usual long-winded outburst. Her boyfriend of two-years, Hiroshi Nakano, the sexy, red hair guitarist of Japan's famous rock band Bad Luck, is still not home. She just came straight from Kyoto, that being weekend, where she is allowed to stay the night with her boyfriend.

After settling her hand-carried traveling bag underneath Hiro's bed, she set out for the kitchen and put the bag of grocery on the counter. She noticed that she had forgotten to bought raw meat for their dinner. Looking at her watch and realized that she still had time to run to the market nearest to the apartment, she took her wallet, phone and headed towards the door, securely locking it. There was one time that they almost forgot to lock it that a robber tried to sneak in and targeted Hiro's prized Nirvana Jaguar Gh610 electric guitar, which he uses for concerts.

After 30 minutes of trying to get fresh meat without being stucked in a mob of housewives trying to get the same, Ayaka walked back towards the apartment. When she got in, closing the door behind her, she went straight to the kitchen, putting down the raw meat and started cooking. Humming to the familiar tune of Spicy Marmalade, the song which she loved Bad Luck for, she made sure to treat her lover boy some loving after not seeing each other in almost a month, Hiro being busy with the coming promotional concerts in the region.

When she finished cooking, she looked again to her watch and was surprised that Hiro is now almost 2 hours late. The sunset is now illuminating inside the expansive living room. She decided to go down and get some good phone signal when she spotted the garage open. Curiosity got her and she slowly walked towards the singly lit part of that apartment. She saw Hiro's big bike now parked, but to find that Hiro brought someone with him as well.

"Oh my God, it can't be..." Ayaka hurriedly hid herself, trying to be silent. She peered in one of the car's window where Hiro was. The garage was dim, so Ayaka had a hard time recognizing the other person Hiro was with. They were seriously talking and Hiro seems like mad, trembling mad. She's now afraid, what if it was a paparazzi or a stalker perhaps? Ayaka slowly stood, putting into consideration to strike a blow if ever she sees fit.

"How about Ayaka?"

Huh? Why was she dragged in the conversation? She moved closer just to overhear what her longtime boyfriend would say.

"She's boring. And she's not over you. So that leaves her out of this."

What did just that jerk Hiro say? And who was he speaking to anyway?

But what happened next just made Ayaka stare in disbelief. The unknown man grabbed Hiro by the waist and kissed him. She thought Hiro would try to punch the man and fight anyway. But it never happened. Instead, Hiro wrapped his arms around the man's neck and pressed himself closer. Ayaka blinked, thought it was something that her imagination played to trick her, but no. Hiro was clearly kissing another. And a man at that. She felt disgusted.

Then the man who was holding Hiro got into the clear. Ayaka rubbed her eyes. She's completely losing her mind. But she kept really silent.

There, nibbling Hiro's ears, licking his jaw, biting his neck, while exploring her boyfriend's erogenous area, is Japan's celebrated and gorgeous novelist, Uesugi Eiri, who was her former fiance. All her courage to protest Hiro being harassed got suspended in the air. It was understatement to say she's only surprised. Then unexpectedly, she found Hiro's chest being pressed into the yellow Civic car, noting that it belong to their neighbor, Mrs. Tanabe. And then Hiro started moaning. She thought her ears will hurt.

"Oh, Shit! Mmmm... Eiri, harder!" Hiro wantonly called Eiri's name, while the blonde man pound into her boyfriend's willing bottom.

"Hiro...fuck..."Eiri groaned into Hiro's neck, then licking his earlobes while Hiro was writhing underneath him.

"Eiri, faster!" Hiro was now beyond control.

"You are so fucking good, Hiro!" Eiri lift Hiro's left leg and pound into him more, earning lustful screams from the redhead guitarist.

Ayaka slowly retracted from the scene. Since it was really dark, she made no delay in her escape. When she reached the apartment, she tried to catch her breath while retrieving her bag. She made a quick note that she will be going home because she was needed and that she already had their dinner made, not forgetting to write that she missed him and that she was regretful not seeing Hiro. What a sweet talker she had become.

When she reached the gates, she took the first cab that passed her way. Eiri and Hiro. The first thing that she thought was: How about Shuichi Shindo?

-END FLASHBACK-


Ayaka shook her head heavily. It was too much for her poor brain to recall. She loved Hiro, but she didn't expect him to be with Eiri. That's why she got surprised when Tohma Seguchi called her and informed her to come straight to Tokyo after telling her that Shuichi was already aware of 'it'.

"You okay?" Ayaka was startled at the comforting pat on her shoulders.

"Oh... Yes, I am." Ayaka give Shuichi a secured smile.

"Are you still in love with Hiro, Ayaka?" Shuichi sat on the chair vacated by his sister.

"Yeah, you can say that. But someone has to give up. It would be them or us. I'd rather be us, we're better at it."

Shuichi sighed. Ayaka noticed that Shuichi looked really tired. "I really want to get wasted after that, but I never had a chance."

The singer chuckled. "Count me in. But let's do that after everything's set."

Ayaka agreed. "They're going to lose us, I will make sure that they'd somehow miss us!''

Her calm demeanor dropped when Shuichi tighten his hold on her hand. "You think we'd be okay?"

Shuichi looked so desperate for comforting words that Ayaka had to look down. She was just as confused as him. With Shu, her facade is nothing but a mask he already unraveled. "We will be okay, soon. Soon, Shu. And we will be back to our lives like it never happened. Until then, persevere. Hold on to what you can."

Shuichi nodded.

"Do you still love Eiri?"

Nod.

"But you want to end it peacefully, right?"

Nod.

"Do you love Hiro?"

Shuichi paused for a moment. Another nod.

"They are very lucky to have been loved by you. But you know the ultimate rule of love, right?"

Shuichi looked at Ayaka confused.

"Before we can be loved by people, we learn to love ourselves first. That includes respect for oneself and an ounce of dignity and self-preservation."

"What do you mean?"

"Shu, you will know what I mean at the end of this problem. You have to realize it on your own."