"So…" I turn and focus my gaze on Brooke. She's focused straight ahead on the road. I'm finally out of the hospital and you would think I'd be happy right…well maybe I would be if the tension in the car wasn't so thick. 'So'…that's the first thing Brooke's said to me the whole ride.
"Sooo…" it's a lame response, but the silence is killing me. I can't sit in this car like this for another thirty minutes.
"You're leaving in a few hours…maybe less." I watch as she grips the steering wheel just a bit tighter and I can suddenly feel my heart pounding in my ears. "So I have to ask. The other day…you said you told Lucas you didn't love with him…why?" She caught my eye for a brief second before we both looked straight ahead.
"Brooke I do love him…I'm just not in love with him. With where I'm at right now…I can't be…my heart just won't let me go there"
"Okay" I turned to face her…I was expecting some long lecture from her…but she was apparently leaving it at that. She must of felt me burning a whole through her because she started the laugh a little.
"No lecture or speech or anything like that. I get what your saying Peyton and I'd rather you wait for your heart to heal before jumping back into anything. I don't wanna see you hurting again…I've seen it too much since junior high. I want you to be happy…genuinely happy, and I know Lucas will wait for you to be ready" She offered me a small smile as she grabbed my hand.
"I'm sorry Brooke"
"For what" she looked at me dumbfounded with raised brows.
"For leaving…I mean…I know you don't want me to…but"
"But nothing" she cut me off and gave my hand another tight squeeze. "It doesn't matter what I want…or Lucas or Nathan or Haley. All that matters is what you want and what you need to do. Peyton if you feel like going to New York will help you then I support you 110. You're my best friend and you've always supported me no matter what…its about time I do the same for you." She gave me a smirk and wink before focusing back on the road. I'm so grateful for her…I just hope she knows because I don't know how to put it into words.
We didn't talk much during the rest of the ride home…but it was a comfortable silence. It was fifteen minutes later that Brooke pulled into Nathan and Haley's driveway. "You ready" she turned to face me with tears brimming in her brow eyes. She took a deep breath and blinked back the moisture as I nodded. We both slowly made our way towards the front door…both trying to prolong the few hours we had left together.
"Hey you guys" Haley greeted us at the door with a bright smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She didn't want me to go either…but knowing Hales she was determined to make the best out of the time we have left. "Aren't you supposed to be on crutches or in a wheel chair…or something like that" She gazes at me and awaits my response. I get ready to answer, but a startled shriek leaves my mouth instead as I feel the ground disappear from beneath my feet.
"You know she's stubborn as hell Haley." I shoot Nathan a glare as he moves towards the front door with me in his arms and a laughing Brooke trailing behind me.
"Actually I've been on crutches for the last few days, but I'm feeling better and I have them in Brooke's car just in case" Three months of not moving had left me…slightly unstable when it came to walking. In fact the first time I tired to walk Lucas had to catch me so I didn't end up on the floor. For two weeks my legs were nothing but jell-o, but with the physical therapy I was able to slowly get back on track.
"So are you glad to be home." Nathan questioned as he set me down on the couch and crouched down so that he was eye level with me. I nodded with a smile on my face because I had wanted nothing more then to get out of that wretched hospital. "That's what I thought" he ruffled my hair, which was now a darker brown and had long ringlets that fell to my mid back. I batted his hand away and he just laughed as he stood up and walked towards Hales.
"Hey" I turned my head to see Lucas walking in from the kitchen. He had a warm smile on his face which I gladly returned. I missed that smile…a lot.
"Hi" I followed him with my eyes as he walked over and took Nathan spot in front of me. I sat up and let my legs fall between his as my hand rested in my lap.
"How ya feeling" he gently tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and let his hand trail slowly down my neck.
"I'm okay" I closed my eyes and let myself relax into his touch…god I'm gunna miss him.
"That's good" I feel his lips pressed softly against my forehead and I wish he wouldn't move, but he does. I open my eyes as he stands up and sits in the one seater next to me. I hate the distance he's putting between us right now, but I understand why. It would be to painful for either of us to spend all this time getting close when we both now I won't be here when the night rolls in.
Until about 6 we all find a way to act as if nothing's wrong and nothing's about to change. But when Lucas catches me staring at the clock I can feel his entire demeanor change and its not long before everyone else follows suit.
"I'll be right back" I offer a small smile as I lift myself up and make my way to the bathroom. I don't actually have to go, I just need to clam my nerves and I'm pretty sure they all realize that. I'm sitting on the edge of the bath tub when the doors slowly creaks open and Lucas sticks his head in. "Ever heard of knocking" I raise a brow at him with a small smirk playing on my lips.
"Sorry" he shrugs as he lets himself in and closes the door behind him. He sits down next to me and his eyes find a sudden interest in the blue rug under our feet.
"Luke…"
"I wanna go with you" he looks up at me with glazed over eyes and I feel my heart breaking.
"You can't." I shake my head and watch as he stand up and paces back and forth before turning back to me.
"Why not" he's pleading and it makes me feel even worse. His hands grasp mine and he pulls me to my feet. "Please let me go with you" I look down because I can't bear to meet his gaze anymore.
"Lucas…" I stop talking when I feel his lips pressed softly against mine. His hands are placed gently on my cheeks and slowly his fingers creep into my hair. My hands are resting on his chest and I give into him because this feels so much better than the conversation we were just having. His hands slide down my waist and then grip my hips and he hoist my body onto his. My legs wrap tightly around his waist as he presses me against the wall. I know this wasn't supposed to go this far…but neither of us are stopping it.
"Please Peyton…" he forces out between kisses but I don't respond. I don't wanna watch his heart break through his eyes again and I don't wanna feel my chest constrict when he walks out of the bathroom dejectedly. His lips trail lightly down my neck as my pulse quickens. Tears slide down my cheeks as he moves us away from the wall. I can feel us moving down and soon my back is hitting the soft rug next to the sink.
This is wrong on so many levels….the first being this is simply to avoid the paid…and someone down the line…because this is Nathan and Haley's bathroom floor. He knows why I won't answer him when he repeats his request…he knows that I'm going to turn him down, but that doesn't stop him from pulling my shirt over my head. "But I love you…so much" its when he says those words that I finally realize…we can't do this….its not fair to either of us…especially not to him. I find his lips again and let the kiss linger longer than it should.
"I'm sorry Luke…I…" his head falls in place next to mine and I can't seem to find the right words.
"I know…I just wish…" he sighed deeply as he lifts himself up on his arms and moves to sit next to me instead of on top of me.
"I have to go alone…and besides…you can't just tear Sam away from here." The look in his eyes tells me this is not news to him. He only asked me out of desperation…not because he actually expected me to say yes…but just because he felt like he had to. I sit up and he hands me my shirt.
"Can you at least call this time" he pulls me into his side and kisses my forehead as I nod 'yes' in response. He gets to his feet and pulls me up with him. He kisses me one last time before tucking a curl behind my ear with that warm smile on his face. He wipes the tears from beneath my eyes before grabbing my hand and entangling our fingers. He leads me out of the bathroom and back down the hall to rest of the group. I look up find Haley glancing down at her watch and then back at Luke and I.
"Okay…do I need to throw out my brand new rugs?" She rolls her eyes and everyone laughs except Nathan.
"Not the mental image I need right now Hales." He shakes his head in mock disgust and his body shudders before he opens his eyes. "Okay…umm…as much I would enjoy this conversation…you've got a plane to catch in 45 minutes." He catches the baffled look on my face and then explains. "I know you didn't think I was gunna let you drive to New York…you didn't lose your mind in that hospital did you?" I laugh as a smile finds its way onto my face. My bags that I had brought with me to my aunts place where sitting by the door…I have never unpacked them. Leave it to Nathan to take care of the details….he always does for me.
Tears begin to swell in my eyes as I glance around the room. I can only stand to give them each a hug…no goodbye conversations…just simple 'I'll miss you's. The cab pulls into the driveway and we turn towards the window as the horn honks from outside. Nate has my bags in his hands as the two of us walk towards the cab. Once the bags are in the trunk he turns to look at me and I can see the tears that are threatening to slide down his cheeks. I close my eyes as Nathan wraps his arms tightly around me, my head buried in his chest.
"I'll see you later sis" he kisses my forehead gently before I pull away. I just wish this didn't have to hurt this much…the whole goodbye process. I take one last glance back at that front door with everyone standing there, small fake smiles on their faces. I give them a small wave before getting into the cab, and as we pull out of the driveway I don't bother to look back…this is painful enough already.
