I took a sip form my glass of water just as Kristen came bounding down the stairs. She skipped over to the couch and plopped herself down next to Sam, who was currently engrossed in Loony Tunes reruns….that's one show that will never get old. "Guess what…my dad said that he found the Twister and that if it's okay with Peyton we can play with him, Karen and Aunt Brooke when he's done setting it up." That grabbed Sam's attention and she quick to turn around and get on her knees, a bright smile on her face as she looked over at me.
"Can we play Peyton…please" she clasped her hands together in front of her tiny body and attempted a puppy dog face. I had to laugh, especially when Kristen joined her…Haley and Brooke had taught them how to do that…I just know it.
"Sure you guys can play" both of their eyes got wide and they were off the couch in seconds. The dashed up the stairs, each of them throwing a quick thank you in my direction. I set my glass down and headed upstairs, I wasn't quite as enthusiastic as those two though. My mind's kind of in a different place right now. Lucas still doesn't know that we're engaged again. After I told Nathan, we both fell back asleep for the next hour, and by the time we got up Luke, Alex and Hales has gone exploring around the city for a little while. Karen was up on the terrace talking to Andy, so as of right now Nate and Brooke are still the only ones who know anything. I hear Kristen and Sam heading up onto the terrace, Karen, Andy and Brooke are up there talking…two of them are needed to play Twister.
I stroll slowly into the living room and see Nathan over in the corner of the room. The Twister mat is laying in the center of the floor, still not unfolded all the way because there isn't enough room. I see Nate bend down and it suddenly occurs to me what he's doing. I can feel the color starting the drain from my face as my heart skips a beat. "Nathan can you not move that" He stands turns back to look at me, his eyebrow cocked up in confusion.
"I need to move something, and the couch is too heavy for me to move by myself…"
"Can't you play in another room or something…" I can hear the desperation in my own voice, but he just laughs and shakes his head.
"This room has the most space without moving more that one or two things. I promise to put it back exactly where it is Peyt…" He thinks this is just about moving that table…I told him once that I spent over and hour making sure the tables were all lined up properly, and now he thinks that's the reason I don't want him to move things around…but my furniture is aligned for a specific reason.
"Nathan…" I try to stop him again but he ignores me and lifts the table up anyway…shifting it all the way over into the corner. He turns back to look at me with a smirk.
"See, now I didn't move it that far…" he's still smirking at me, I can see it out of the corner of my eye, but my focus is really on the carpet that's just been exposed. "Peyton…" there are tears starting to well in my eyes and he follows my gaze to the deep red stain on the cream carpet…the stain that takes up a large amount of space and is still partially covered by the wooden side table. We both look up at the same time, our gazes focused on each other. The tears have started falling, and there's a pain etching itself onto his features as he slowly makes his way over to me.
"That was the…third time I tired to leave the apartment…and the first time I wound up a coma…I was out for almost two weeks. I kept my gaze on him…he looked like someone had just punched him in the stomach and knocked the wind out of him. His face was getting paler by the second, but he stepped closer to me and pulled my body into his, his arms wrapping tightly around me, as if he was never planning to let me go.
"I'm sorry….Peyton…I'm so sorry"
"I actually got out of the apartment that time…" I chocked on a bitter laugh before forcing myself to continue. "…it was late and he was sleeping…I left everything here took my purse and left. I went to a motel not too far from here…I should've just kept driving…I was going to…but I didn't know where I was going. He would have followed me to Tree Hill…at that point I didn't really have friends here…at least not ones I was closing enough to for me to go knocking on their door at one in the morning." He had pulled away from me and was staring at me intently. I shrugged my shoulders as I focused my eyes on the floor. I tired to look him in the eye, but the moment my eyes found his, I had to look away, and I found myself staring at his chest instead. But I was no longer in Nate's arms, buried in his chest, and as I continued talking, I found I wasn't really staring at anything…I lost myself in my own little world. It felt like I was being shoved into some kind of time warp, like I was reliving everything as I said it. I was standing in front of Nathan, his hands on my arms and tears streaming down my face, but I could swear I was back in my living room the night I wound up in a coma…the night Stan decided to abuse me physically, sexually, and mentally…and no matter how hard a tried I couldn't find my way back to reality…back to safety of Nathan's arms.
"He was a lawyer…he had 24 hour access to everything he needed to find me…all he had to do was make a few calls to find out where I was…and he did find out. Less than two hours after I had gotten into the motel room, he was dragging me back out of it. I was the stupid one that didn't make sure to request a room in the front, where people could see…I didn't think twice when I walked into a room in the back of the motel...where only one other car was parked in the lot other than mine. No one was there to notice him literally throw me out of the room and onto the pavement…"
Through the mirror behind Nate, despite the heavy flow of tears, I could see Brooke entering the room…or she had been before she head what I was saying. She had started backing away, probably scared that I would stop talking if she was there…scared and hurt that I might not be comfortable talking about this with her around. We locked eyes and she stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me. She opened her mouth, and I could see the apology forming on her lips. "…or when pulled me up and shoved me in his car and drove us back to the apartment." I watched her purse her lips together tightly, the tears already welling in her brown eyes. I was thankful for her sudden appearance…I may be more comfortable talking about this stuff with Nathan, but Brooke just brought me out of my trans, something I was desperate for…but I can still look Nathan in the eye, and I can feel him focused intently on me.
"There was no need to worry about the doorman, because there's a parking garage under building for the residents, and an elevator down there that leads right up to this floor. He wrapped one hand around my hair and the used the other to cover my mouth while we were in the elevator and while we were coming down the hall…" and just like that I can feel myself slipping back under…falling into that darkness I had just escaped from. "…he threw me to the floor as soon as we were back in the apartment. He walked around me and turned on the TV the way he always did…and then he started screaming and I got to my feet and walked towards the door because I was so damn adamant about leaving that time. I had gotten one lock undone before he pulled me away and towards the living room. I hit him…he hit my harder…I hit him again, and he did that same, but this time he hit me so hard I wound up back on the floor…he grabbed a handful of my hair and dragged me across the kitchen…and then proceed to drag me up the stairs…because from up here…no one else in the building can here a thing…especially not with the TV on."
I stopped talking when Nate pulled me deep into his chest. I inhaled deeply and pushed my body as close to his as possible because I don't think anyone can make me feel as safe as Nathan can, and right now I need that, I need him to hold me as close and tight as he can.
Brooke had gotten the hint that it was okay for her to listen when I continued talking. I'm not sure when, but her fingers had laced together with mine at some point and her face had become as tear stained as mine. She gripped my hand tightly and I gripped back. It was a few minutes later that Nate pulled away, his hands still resting on my arms…he looked like he was going to be sick as he held back tears. Neither of them said anything when he let me go…they didn't need to say anything…it happened and there's nothing they can do to change it.
I watched as Nathan walked across the room and shifted the table back into its previous position…covering that constant reminder of what went on in this apartment. "I'll just get Lucas to help me move the couch…" He let the statement hang as he shifted he gaze back to me...waiting. I nodded in his direction, indicating that it was okay.
"I'm gunna go wash my face of something before the girls come back down here…" my voice is raspy and low from the crying.
"I need to do that too…" Brooke gives my hand one last squeeze before letting go and walking off toward the bathroom. Nathan and I lock eyes one last time before I turn and walk toward my bedroom. My fingers are wiping roughly at my eyes as I continue into my bathroom and over to the sink. I hate feeling like this…I thought I didn't have to worry about that overwhelming fear anymore. I splash cold water on my face a few times before turning off the faucet and resting my hands on the counter, my hanging.
"Have you ever talked to Lucas about all this…" I looked up and through the mirror I could see Nathan leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
"About what…" I turned around the face him, leaning my body against the sink for support.
"About what actually went on between you and Stan. I know he knows about the abuse, but how much does he know…does he know how bad it was between the two of you." I can't help but flinch a little before I look down at the tiles under my feet.
"No…I've never talked to him about what actually happened in this apartment…but why would he want details about anything Nate…why would anyone."
"It's not about the details Peyt. Lucas knows that Stan hit you…he knows he broke you're wrist…does he know how many times it happened…does he know how often it happened or how bad it got. Does he know that you did try to leave…"
"Nathan…" he was struggling with something, and I know exactly what it is…what he won't say because he doesn't like to think about it…he doesn't want to know that it happened to me.
"Does he know that the abuse extended past him hitting you…" I lifted my head to meet his gaze again and I could feel the tears building back up in my eyes.
"No…no one knows that but you Nate….no one needs to know that. If I tell people that what is it gunna do…it won't change a thing…it happened to me Nathan…telling someone won't take that away."
"So why can you tell me…Peyton you've called me in the middle of the night and given me detailed accounts of what happened."
"I called you because I couldn't sleep Nate…I called because I woke up terrified and I needed to talk to someone…"
"I get that, I get why you choose to call me instead of anyone else. The thing is Peyt…you didn't come wash you're face just because of the girls…you did it partially because I said that Luke and Hales would be back soon. I'm never gunna turn you away if you come to me Peyton…if you need to talk to me I'm always gunna be there for you…but you called me last week at two in the morning to talk and Lucas was right here with you. If you're gunna marry him Peyton you have to be able to go to him with things like this. You should be comfortable waking Luke up to talk to him, especially if he's sleeping right next to you."
"Nate…" it's taking everything in me to stop the tears from falling…I'm beyond tired of crying over all this. Nathan walks over to me and pulls me into his arms again, his lips hitting my forehead gently.
"Put it this way…I know you two are in love…I believe that you two belong together…I've believe it since senior year."
"But…"
"But…don't marry him if you can't go to him with this..." when I hear those words leave his mouth I can't stop the tears from falling anymore…he's telling me not to marry Luke, and it doesn't even take me a second to know that I'll listen to him. I trust Nate and I'm too scared to lose him…but I know Luke will wait for me to be ready.
"I thought you were okay with this…"
"I am okay with this…don't think that I'm against you and Luke being together or that I'm taking back anything I said earlier. But getting married isn't fair to either one of you if you aren't ready to talk to him about everything. You can't commit yourself to him but come to me for the really serious conversations. I'll always be there to listen to you…I'll never tell you not to talk to me…but you have to be willing to talk to Lucas as well. That doesn't mean you have to call off the engagement or anything like that…but don't rush into marrying him if you're not ready for it."
"Why do I feel like I'm losing you…like you're pushing me away…" I choked on a sob as he pulled me closer to him.
"I am not pushing you away…I would never to do that. But you need to be as comfortable with Luke as you are with me. You can still talk to me…but talk to him too, okay…" I nodded against his chest and he kissed me temple lightly.
"Everything okay…" I pulled back and looked behind to Nathan to see Luke with a worried look on his face…and for the first time I notice that he looks hesitant to come in, just like Brooke did before. Maybe Nathan is right about all this…actually I know he's right…I haven't talked to Luke at all about what Stan did to me…neither of us has ever bought it up and I'm beginning to think that it's because he's scared I'll push him away…the truth is…I probably would have.
"Actually no…I need to talk to you…" I glance up at Nathan and there's a small smile playing on his lips. He places his lips on my temple again before pulling away completely and walking toward the door.
"Oh by the way…congratulations bro…it's about damn time…" I watch the smirk on Nate's face and the confusion on Luke's. I smile gratefully at Nate because I know that was his way of confirming his okay. Luke watches Nathan leave the bedroom before turning back to me, his brows still wrinkled. I can tell when he figures it out because his lips part slightly and his eyes light up as he glances down at my finger. We both move toward each other and meet in the center of the bathroom. His hands gently cup my face as his lips form that small smile that seems to brighten up his entire face.
"Are you sure…" I nod my head slowly and smile as I lean up toward him, our lips meeting gently. I pull away after a bit, my lips still turned up. I can't say that I disagree with what Nathan said just now…it wouldn't be fair if I married Luke but went to Nathan for the emotionally deep conversations…Luke would be hurt and I would feel guilty…chances are I'd wind up going to Nathan to talk about how guilty I felt about talking to him. So I'm gunna make myself talk to Luke…I love him and I trust him so there's no reason for me to not talk to him about things. I think the only thing holding me back is the potential to take away from my relationship with Nathan… I never want to lose what I have with him, and I'm just hoping we'll still be the same after I open up to Lucas.
