Chapter 14
Nicole fell silent as my words ring loudly in my eyes. My thoughts erupt in my mind and I can't decide what to focus on. My words that I said, just mere seconds ago seem like a distant memory. A dream. I didn't actually say them right? I'm dreaming, I must be. I can't be blind, that can't happen. I have to see. Maybe I just thought them, maybe Nicole is playing a trick on me. Yes, that must be it. I can almost feel the bandages still lingering on my face.
"W-what?" Nicole spoke with her voice horsed, cracking as she muttered out the words.
"I can't see!" I repeated my dreadful words from earlier. Now knowing that I wasn't dreaming, that this is my reality, I begin to panic. It surges up my body and I claw at my eyes. I refuse to believe I'm blind. The thought of never being able to see my family again rattles my nerves. There has to be left over bandages on my eyes, Nicole has to be joking around. Though I know deep inside, these thoughts are just my false hope.
"Leo! Calm down!" Nicole shouts with begging tone to her voice and grips my wrist. She pulls them gently away from my eyes, and I let her, "We can fix this." She attempts to comfort me.
"How?" I plead as my eyes fill with tears. I don't want to cry, not in front of Nicole. Not in front of anyone. My hands are still holding Nicole's and I try to focus my gaze of her. Though it's really hard, not knowing exactly were she is.
Moments pass and Nicole stays silent. My hope slowly drains from my body as I can picture the look of horror on my face. I pray that Nicole is thinking of a solution, so I have a reason to hold onto the last piece of hope I have left.
"I-I don't know." She stutters out her words and my last piece of hope fades. I feel myself shatter as I can no longer hold in my tears.
I bring my knees close to my chest and my body begins rocking, "I can't see. I can't see. I can't see." I repeat over and over again as fear sinks in. I turn my face away from Nicole so she can't see me cry. I let a sob escape from my lips.
"Leo..." Nicole's gentle voice whispers my name and she places a hand on my shoulder. However, I refuse to look at her. Some reason I think if she doesn't seem me cry, she won't think I'm crying. But with every passing moment that Nicole's hand is on me, my walls slowly come crumbling down, "Leo." She repeats my name more firmly this time, her hand now on my cheek. She slowly turns my head towards her, though this takes no effect on me, I can't see anyway, "We'll get through this, together."
I sit there silently, to over whelmed to speak. I can feel Nicole underneath my gaze, even though I can't actually see her. I feel vulnerable, desperate. Just then, after moments of bitter silence, Nicole wraps both her arms around my neck and pulls me into a hug.
I take in a sharp breath, tensing slightly. Everything fell silent once more as for a brief moment, my sobs took a pause. My world stopped spinning and time stopped ticking. Nicole's touch, Nicole's scent. I quickly gather my thoughts together, hugging her back. Then, I start to cry once more.
I hate that she sees like this, I never cry in front of someone, not ever. But now, I sit here sobbing into Nicole's shoulder. My sides heaving from my lack of breath as I gasp. I have to calm myself down, I know that. I can't be weak. I can't show weakness.
"Shh Leo, it's alright." Nicole's soft voice whispers in my ear, stroking my shell. Nicole's touch, Nicole's voice. Something about this girl, I don't know what it is, but she almost seems familiar. Her embrace should not be as comforting as it is right now, it should not calm be down. But it does. I know so much about Nicole, yet so little at the same time. How? How can this girl, whom I've only known for a week, could possibly be comforting. However, one way or the other, she is. I love the feeling of her arms around me.
The hug ends all too soon, but Nicole's gentle hands don't leave me yet. She has them place firmly on my shoulders. I feel cold now, and a little lonely. Tears still brimming at the corner of my eyes, I know if I blink, they'll come pouring out.
Nicole passes each of her thumbs over my cheeks, wiping away my tears. I move my head along with her movement, rubbing my cheek against her hand. A silent thank you perhaps, or maybe it's just me, longing for her warm touch. I'm so confused right now, I have no idea which one it is.
"What can I do to help?" Nicole ask, desperation glazing her tone. I know the answer immediately. It probably won't help, but it will at least put one of my thoughts to ease. I've wanted to know since day one, but never had the guts to ask. But now? Why not? I'm never gonna see her for myself anyway.
"Tell me." I start, pausing, wondering if I should re-think this. It's now or never, "Tell me what you look like."
"W-what I look like?" Nicole stutters out. I want to flinch, I want to shy away. Thinking that I shouldn't have asked that, maybe that things will be weird between us now. But I swallow back my fear, hoping to sound confident.
"Yes, please."
"Umm...o-okay." Nicole pauses, thinking the question over, "Well I'm about 5'4."
About the same height as Taylor. My thoughts interrupt Nicole. Just thinking about Taylor makes me think about home, about my brother...about Karai.
"-...with brown hair." Nicole's voice comes back into focus and I'm determined to listen to every detail, "It's um, it's wavy and goes a little pass my shoulders. My skin is kinda pale and I have blue eyes-"
"What kind of blue?" I interrupt, a little too quickly for comfort. I can almost picture Nicole almost perfectly, and I feel myself growing desperate. This whole time I've been telling myself that Nicole sounds familiar, and now she looks familiar too. Just a few more details and she'll fit the picture.
"Umm...crystal blue, I guess." Nicole answers and a smile spreads across my face. Almost there. Just say the words. These very words posses my very thoughts, "I have freckles on my cheeks and...Oh! I wear glasses."
I freeze, realizing that it's true, but not possible. The way Nicole describe herself, she sounds exactly like the girl I say when I blacked out from the explosion. When I walked in the tunnel of light, I seen and heard a girl, this girl. Nicole. It must be her.
"What colour glasses?" I ask the question that will confirm my thoughts, the missing link to the mysterious girl I saw. She's tall, long brown hair. Her cheeks are kissed with freckles and blue glasses compliment her shining eyes. Her skin is pale, but her smile is soft.
"Umm." Nicole hesitates for a moment, then answers, "Blue."
"It's you." I let the words slip out of my mouth in a soft whisper. It's her, Nicole looks exactly like the girl. Her angelic voice, her soft touch, her description...it all fits.
"What?" Nicole sounds utterly confused. I tense up, realizing that she must of heard me. I feel myself blushing.
"I-I mean, I said...my mask!"
"Huh?" Now Nicole is more confused then ever, I slap myself internally.
"My mask...do you have it?" I attempt to clarify.
"That depends, is it blue?" Nicole answers me back with a question. I nod and she tells me that she'll be right back. And so I'm left alone, other then Toby laying on the carpet. My dark thoughts threaten to come creeping up on me, this seems to happen every time Nicole leaves me alone. Luckily, she's back soon, chasing away my thoughts, "Here." She says while setting my mask in my hand.
I pass my thumb over my mask, looking down. I know why she did that. I know why she didn't just wait for me to take my mask. It's cause she had too, she had to place it in my hand. Other wise, I'd be lost, looking for her hand. Searching for my mask, which for all I know, would just be mere inches away from me. I feel defeated, useless.
I grip the two ends of my mask and bring it up to my face. I attempt to tie it. I try and try and try. But for some reason, I just can't do it.
"Do you need help?" Nicole offers as I sigh, defeated.
"Yes please."
Nicole's giggle lightens the mood as she gets up, placing herself on the arm rest of the couch. I hand her the my mask, and she alines the eye holes with mine. I can feel her very careful and thought out movements as she ties the knot. Then, Nicole passes a thumb over my mask tail, running the fabric between her fingers.
I clear my throat, preparing myself to speak. Fighting back the lump rising in the back of my throat, "Thanks." I speak, though sadness pierces my tone. I attempt at a smile, trying to hide my disappointment. With my mask placed back on my face, I feel more secure now, like as if I could hide myself better. Hide behind my mask.
"Hey Leo?" Nicole speaks, she is now sitting back at her rightful place on the couch, "Can you do something for me now?"
"Sure, anything." I tell her, truth echoing deep through my words.
"Since you'll probably be staying with me for a while, I want to get to know you. Tell me your back story."
I tense, worry coursing through me as Nicole's words sink into my head. She wants to know my back story. But what will she think of me? Should I even tell her? I know I can trust Nicole? But...
"That seems fair." I finally answer, without even realizing I spoke the words, "Where should I start?"
"Anywhere." She tells me, "Oh! How about-"
"Leonardo." I interrupt, deciding on my own where I should being, "My real name is Hamato Leonardo." I tell Nicole my full name without hesitation. That was the first lie I told her about myself, along with many others.
"Hamato Leonardo." Nicole echos back my name to me. To hear those words in her voice, it's like music to my ears. Sweet music.
"Yes." I nod my head, "I was born in New York, but my father...he was Japanese, I was raised with a Japanese culture." I make sure to emphasize the word was, hoping Nicole will hint on.
"Was?" Nicole questions after a moment of hesitation. I feel a mixture of pride and guilt. Happy that she caught on, but also bad cause I'm lying to her again. However, family does come first. I must protect them, protect our secret.
I tense slightly and tilt my head down, preparing to lie, "Yeah...my father passed away."
"Oh, I'm so sorry Leo." Nicole gives me her sympathy, then pauses. A moment of silence passes between us before she speaks again, "Is that why you came to Paris? To get your mind off your father?"
I look back at Nicole, or at least where I think she is, and smile. She bought my lie, and is now concerned for me.
"N-no. I actually came to...to get over a-a girl." I tell her and I feel my cheeks go warm. I can almost picture the red tint in my cheeks. Though my heart aches inside, just thinking of Karai.
"Quite the ladies man are we?" Nicole teases, though I can hear something in her voice. Something odd. Her tease, it lacks the joy.
I can't help but chuckle at her remark though, "No, it's nothing like that."
"Doesn't love you back I'm guessing?" This time the pain in her voice is clear.
"Yeah..." I mutter out, looking away once more as I feel my heart shatter inside me. As if it wasn't already broken enough.
"Well, you came here to get over that girl, not think about her more." Nicole tries to lighten the mood,"So...Leo, are you all alone in New York?"
All my muscles tense as I hold my breath for a moment. There's no way I can tell her about my brothers. It's not that I don't trust her, I just have to protect my family at all cost.
"Y-yeah. It's just me." I answer, swallowing back the immense amount of guilt I'm feeling.
"How'd you get..." Nicole stopped in the middle of her sentence, though I clearly know what she wants to ask.
"Mutated?" I wonder, waiting for her confirmation.
"Um...yeah."
"Well, it's hard to explain but...have you've ever hear of the krang?" I asked, pure curiosity ringing deep inside my tone.
"The...krang?"
"I take that as a no." I almost laughed as I spoke, "Have you've heard of the alien invasion in New York a few years ago?"
"Oh yeah!" Nicole shouts excitedly, jumping in her seat. Her sudden excitement warms my heart, and I can't help but to smile.
"Well, those are the krang." I explained, "They've been around for thousands of years. And they have this thing called mutagen. Well when I was young, I got dropped in the mutagen and got turned...into this." I gesture to myself. Pain and shame coursed through me.
"Well," Nicole began, and the weight on the couch shifted. She stood up, taking a step towards me, "I think you're rather handsome." And she planted a kiss on my forehead then dashed to the kitchen.
Time seems to tick by slowly as the world comes to another halt. Nicole's kiss still lingers on my forehead, I can feel it perfectly. Her soft, plush lips pressed lightly against my skin. The warmth, the sensation, the feeling of my heart up lifting. My skin still tingles from the past memory. Though all I ask, is why?
Why did she do that? What drove her to kiss me? It's not like it was a real kiss, just a peck on the forehead. It didn't mean anything. Then again...why did my heart skip a beat when her lips came in contact with me? I give my head a shake, killing any of those thoughts, Stop it Leo! You love Karai, you always will. My heart breaks a little more.
"Hey Leo!" I hear Nicole's voice call out, she's still in the kitchen. This immediately brings a smile to my face. I decide to get up before answering. I close my eyes, trying to visualize the living room she describe to me. I don't want to be useless right now, I can't sit here and wallow with my thoughts. I can walk, my foot is all better. So I try to walk, avoiding any objects I might bump into. For the first few steps, I wince. This is the first time I've put my full body weight on my two feet. It stings slightly but I can manage.
"Yeah?" I answer, leaning up against the kitchen's door frame. I did it. I really did it. I've made my way from the couch, to the kitchen.
"How did you-" Nicole sounds shocked, not that I'm surprised.
I smile and respond, "The game we played, when you described everything to me. I can picture everything now." I keep my smile on, forcing it to stay there. It's hard to ignore that twinge of sadness twisting inside my chest. Will this how it be from now on? Will everyone just have to describe everything to me? Will I be a burden?
"Here, sit down. I don't want you putting too much pressure on your ankle." Nicole insist and comes over to me, wanting to guide me to the table. I wave her off, I refuse to be a burden to anyone. I can do this myself. I bite back the bitter reply. She's only trying to help after all. However, I make it to the table just fine, sitting myself down. I don't need anyone's help, I'm not a burden.
"So what did you want?" I ask kindly, setting my elbows on the table. Nicole called out to me for a reason that has yet to be explained.
"Oh yeah right." Nicole chuckled nervously after a moment or two of silence, "I wanted to know what kind of cake you want?"
"C-cake?" I feel my eyes widen. My sightless eyes.
"Yeah, like a birthday cake."
"Oh, y-yeah." My heart twist inside my chest. Cake. Birthdays. My brothers. Home. I actually find myself missing the salty, bitter taste of worms and allege. What I wouldn't give to taste Mikey's cooking again, to taste his mutation day cake. I should be home, celebrating with my family. Being with my brothers, my father, my friends. But no, I ran away. I'm just a coward.
I give my head a shake before speaking again, this isn't the time to be sad, "Marble." I tell her, "Can I have a marble cake?"
"Sure!" Nicole shouts excitedly and I hold in a chuckle.
"Thanks." I smile.
"So, any particular reason to why you chose marble?" She ask before it could fall silent. I hear a bunch of clanking noises, metal against metal, things dropping of the counter. I can only assume it's things to make the cake.
"Umm..." I hesitate, looking around, as if moving my head would help me answer, "Just so that I could taste vanilla and chocolate at the same time." I shrink back, blushing at the sound of Nicole's giggle.
Then, I hear the soft buzz of the electric mixer beginning to mix the ingredients to a soon to be cake.
"Describe it to me." I ask, smiling widely. The anticipation rising inside me. The sweet scent of the cake fill my nose, making me sight happily. I can't wait to sink my teeth into it's soft centre. The sugar probably isn't gonna be good for me this late at night, but I don't care. I have to taste this cake.
"Well," Nicole begins to explain, "It was cooked in an 9inch pan. I used a classic white butter cream frosting, and did a drop pattern around the edges in blue. Also, I wrote happy mutation day. I, unfortunately, couldn't get Leo to fit on there. And on the inside..." She pauses and I assume cuts the cake, "Is mostly white, but has chocolate swirls throughout the whole cake."
"Wow." As I speak, I let out a breath, " It sounds amazing."
"Wanna piece?" She asks and I nod my head eagerly. I can almost taste the sweet cake in my mouth. It seems to take forever before I hear the plate be set down in front of my. I search the table for my fork, praying that I won't make a fool out of myself. I feel the cool metal touch my fingers and I grip the fork, now feeling around for the cake. In the end, I manage to find it and once I get a sense of where it is, I gobble the cake down.
"Taste even better." I mumbled and gulped down another bite.
I hear Nicole giggle, "Thanks Leo...oh, I've been meaning to ask you. Is is still okay that I call you Leo? Or do you prefer Leonardo?"
"Leo is fine." I smile, "I prefer Leo anyway."
Silence suffocates the room. But it's not awkward, or a heavy silences, it's peaceful. I can just tell that Nicole is deep in thought. The way her breathing is irregular, I can tell. I find myself wondering what could be going on in that sweet brain of hers. What could she possibly be thinking? What is she feeling? As I continue to ponder on this thought, I find myself wanting her near me. I physically crave to be holding her right now, or at least just to feel her soft touch on my skin.
Then, it's like my prayers are answered. For soon I feel a small, warm hand lingering on mine. The presence of it, just barely there. Touching me like a ghost. I hear Nicole's breath hitch as my eyes widen. Her grip becomes more firm, her hand clearly on mine. I find myself loving it. This silence, this touch, this moment, it just feels right.
Bitterly cold air surrounds my hand as Nicole quickly pulls hers away. The silence is now different. Once she pulled away, everything now feels different.
"It's getting late, we should get some sleep." Nicole's words come smashing through the thick air, landing like a rock in my ears.
"Umm, yeah." I add on, still processing her words, "I'm beat." I stretch my arms up in the air, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. I stand up and begin to walk towards the living room. I feel my past sorrow, all my dark thoughts from earlier, slowly creeping up on me. Then, I feel Nicole's presence. She's not touching me, but she's near me. Just mere inches away. I push back my urge to hug her.
We bid our goodnights as we part ways when we reach the hall way. I walk to the living room, wanting nothing more then to throw myself of the couch. Only now do I realize how exhausted I am. I carefully manoeuvre myself so I don't trip on the snoring dog. Finally, I reach my sanctuary which is my couch.
Nicole's couch. My thoughts correct myself as I lay sprawled on the couch. You don't live here, this isn't your home. I sigh and press a hand to my forehead. I wish I could just shut off my brain. Stop thinking. Don't get too comfortable, you can't stay here. You have to get to Japan. Don't fail Master Splinter, don't fail your family. I sigh again, I'm already failing them. I got hurt, I'm unable to make it to Japan. And now I'm blind. Is there even any point in going back to New York?
I take in a sharp breath as I hold in my sob. Now that I'm alone, all my thoughts come rushing back to me. I'll never be able to see my brothers again. I won't be able to see any of them smile. I won't be able to see their happiness or despair. I'll never see pure joy on their faces as they get overwhelmed by happiness. I won't even be able to see their tears. What kind of big brother will I be if I can't wipe away their tears. How can I protect my brothers if I can't fight to defend them? How will I be able to do anything? I'm even more useless then before.
This time I let a sob escape from my lips as tears roll freely down my cheeks. Staining them. No one is here to see me cry anyway, so it's okay. No one has to know of my time of weakness. No one can know. They can't see me cry. I sob harder and clench a pillow.
Only moments pass before Nicole's voice startles me, calling out my name. My head whips in her direction as my chest heaves. I have to calm myself down. So I sniffle and quickly wipe away my tears. I pray that she didn't notice that I'm sobbing like an idiot, Nicole's the last person I want to cry in front of.
"Y-yeah?" I reply back, my voice pierced with sadness and pain. There's no hiding that I'm crying now.
"Are you alright?" She asked and was now over by the couch. I sit up to make room for her, our arms brush each others as we did so.
I open my mouth to answer, but nothing but a pathetic whimper comes out. The tears are rising back up and the knot in my throat chokes me. In my head, I keep telling myself, don't cry, you're not gonna cry. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. But it's too late. I can't stop the swarm of tears flooding my eyes, crashing against my cheek like a tidal wave. Each time I blink, a painful sting jabs me right above my eyes, making them water more. It's like the universe is telling me to cry.
"What's wrong?" Nicole wonders a blankly obvious questions.
"I-" I try to speak without suffocating, "I'm scared." I admit, tears pooling out of my already blurred vision. If I wasn't blinded by darkness, I'd be blinded by tears. My mind, blinded by thoughts.
I'll never see my family again.
That's the one thought that always seems to come back, no matter what else I think of. And right now, I can't afford to think. I don't want to think. I take a few deep breath, trying to calm myself down, but it doesn't work. With every passing moment, I long to be comforted. I tried to comfort myself, but I couldn't. I want comfort. I want Nicole's comfort.
I feel hot breath close to my lips. Just now I realized how close Nicole is. Whenever she leaned in or started like this, I didn't care. I want to lunge forward. I want to feel her lips against mine. I want to taste her sweet lips. I want to kiss her. I want her to kiss me. I beg for her just to inch forward, just the slightest bit so our lips could touch. She's so close to me, I can feel the heat radiating off of her. However, Nicole, nor I, move. We just sit there, lips barely touching. How long has it been? Minutes? Seconds? I don't know, and right now? I don't find myself caring. All I can concentrate on right now is our closeness. Nicole and I, mere inches away more each other.
She hugs me. Her skinny arms wrapping around my neck, resting on my shell. Maybe it wasn't minutes that we spent frozen in time, nearly kissing. Maybe this way her intention all along, just going in for a hug. Maybe I just imagined the pause. Maybe...
I hug back. Pulling her close to me. I cry. Cry into her shoulder. I let myself sob. Sob like nothing else matters. Silence. No one speaks, she doesn't distract me from my thoughts, she doesn't judge. I let it all out, till I can no longer produce tears.
"I'm so sorry Leo." Nicole whispers her words of comfort into my ear. Her voice soft, gentle, angelic. It's everything that I want. It's everything that Karai isn't. Karai and Nicole, two very different people. One is perfection, one isn't. But who is who? I love Karai. I want Karai. But I need Nicole. I find myself thinking more and more about her each and every day. The days pass, a week passes, my fondness for Nicole only grew. She takes my mind off of Karai, my sister. No one, not my brothers, not master Splinter has been able to do that. But just after a week of knowing this girl, she's been able to do it? That has got to mean something.
Overwhelmed by confusion, by pain, and by longing, I cry harder. There's so many things I can cry over. After all these years of it building up inside me, I can finally let it out. That time I fell when I was little, that time when I accidentally cut myself with my katana, the time I failed a training session, all those times I've fought with Raph, every time I failed or hurt my family, every time they hurt me, my regrettable love for my sister, failing my father, hurting Donnie, being a coward, leaving my family, not being able to see them again.
I take in a sharp breath, gasping for air. How long has in been? How many hours have I been crying for? Minutes? Seconds? How long? And when? When did I stop? No tears are coming down my face anymore. I've stopped sobbing? But when? And when did I lay down? Was this Nicole's doing? Did she push us down? Or did I lay down by myself, taking her with me? Never the less, here we are. I'm holding her close to me, cuddling her like she's my stuffed animal. My breathing is now regular. I've calmed myself down enough to sleep, though I'm still aware of my surroundings. Most of all, I'm aware of Nicole. How close she is to me. I feel her gaze on me, I feel her heart beat. And this, it just feels right.
