Chapter 16
Time ticks by. Second after second. Minute after minute. Hour after hour. Day after dreadful day. Week after painful week. And month after ghastly month. I don't know how long it's been since I've gotten here, in this place, blinded. I can tell it's near December, it must be. The air has gotten cold and moist. I'm shivering when I wake up, and shivering when I sleep.
When I shiver, or get cold, Nicole cuddles me, puts a blanket over me. She treats me well. And now it's been, two...three months since I've been under her care, and what do to repay her with? Silence. Not a thank you, or even a friendly smile, I just greet her with silence. Say goodbye with silence. Everything with silence. I have to admit though, she makes me feel wanted. She makes me forget about everything around me, like we're the only two people in the world. Granted, we don't speak much, but she's there. When I need her, and when I don't. She's there.
I don't deserve her. I don't deserve to hear her soft, angelic voice. I don't deserve to feel her gentle, comforting touch. I don't deserve to be in her warm, prodigious presence. Therefore I don't speak. I'm not good enough. Her ears should not hear my voice. A voice of a coward. A voice of a weakling. A voice of a monster. I cannot bestow upon her the rage I feel inside. The hatred I feel towards myself. The fear I have. I cannot present her with this pathetic little being of life. I can't give her everything, no matter how much I want to.
I love her. I'll admit it. I love her more with every passing moment. It took me a month to realize what I was feeling. To acknowledge that my heart beats faster when she's around. To comprehend why my throat closes up every time her hand brushes mine. To understand the feeling of loss I get when she leaves me, even for a second. Yet now I know. I know that I love her. Just like I loved Karai.
I can't resist the pitiful chuckle that rises against my throat. Karai. That name. It's like acid against my tongue. I use to feel a great pain in my chest every time I even thought about her. And now? Now, I feel nothing. She means nothing to me now. Nothing that she use to anyway. I never thought that I would stop loving her. The way that her two strands of hair danced across her shoulders, brushing them ever so slightly. I never thought I'd forget about her devious smile and that mocking look in her amber eyes. I never would have guess that I would learn to stop loving her confident personality. Her teasing. Oh how I loved her teasing. That's the thing...oh how I loved...loved. Not love. Loved.
Nicole. My heart skips a beat every time her name glides against my tongue; sending sparks through my brain. Nicole. She would not be more different than Karai. She's shy, anxious, and kind. Her voice is soft, her touch gentle and I can just imagine the way her crystal blue eyes sparkle. I wish I could see her smile. See her blush. See the joy light up in her eyes when she goes on about something she's passionate about. I wish I could kiss her plush lips. I wish I could caress her soft pale cheek. I wish I could tell her how much she means to me. How she makes me feel. How much I love her. I wish, I hope, I pray. Yet I know that it can never become a reality, my reality.
"Hey Leo." The sound of that blissful voice calling out my name is like music to my ears. Her sweet song filling my system. My words are stuck in my brain, latched in my throat. I know the words, I can hear the words, I just can't say them.
She sighs. My heart twist in my chest to hear such disappointment escape her lips. She comes closer to me and lays her head against my shoulder. My heart stops. Time is frozen. I desperately want to wrap my arms around her. Whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Hold her close to me. I want to run my fingers through her brown hair. To take in her sweet scent, to treasure every moment I have with her.
"...I-" She chokes. Only now do I sense the sadness she's giving off. Is Nicole...crying?
Are you alright? I ask her in my mind. An activity I often do. I talk with her in my mind, too afraid to speak aloud.
"I miss you Leo." She blurts out and I feel something damp on my shoulder. Tears.
You...you miss me? I add silently in my head. Thus our imaginary two-sided conversation begins.
"I miss the sound of your voice." Nicole continues, sounding distant as she speaks, "I miss sharing your excitement. I miss comforting your pain. I miss talking with you."
I know...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
"Can you just give me some sort of sign? A sign that Leo's still there. Inside...inside this...this..."
Monster? I finish her sentence...sorta.
"This lonely being." She states then pauses, trying to keep herself from crying, "Please Leo...I know you're in there."
I'm right here! I'm just...trapped.
Nicole sniffs loudly once then sits up. I can picture her wiping her glossy eyes and putting on a fake smile. As if I can see it. As if I can tell.
I need to give her a sign. I need to show her I need her. Please don't give up on me.
"Well, it's time for your eye drops." Her voice sounds as if just moments ago, nothing ever happened. Nicole gets up and goes to search for the bottle on eye drops.
A little less then a month ago, Nicole discovered something. She had gone to the library with a friend, and apparently learned about blindness. She explained to me how the blind eyes in the photos looked nothing like mine. They were cool, clear and pale. Mine? They're cloudy. They're covered up by fog. The good news? It might be curable...might be.
"Lean your head back please." Her gentle voice filled my ears and I obeyed. I'd do anything to please her, "Try not to blink." Nicole says these instructions every time, every day. They're almost mandatory, like a routine, or an old track record stuck on repeat.
One drop, two drops. One eye done.
One drop, two drops. Both eyes done.
Wait...wait..wait..
Blink.
The drops are in, they are set. I hear the cap screw back on the bottle. The soft thunk noise of her putting it back on the table. Nicole sighs. The mood is back. Sadness is heavy in the air, suffocating me. I wonder if it does the same to her? Does Nicole feel the pain I feel?
"Well...I better go open the bakery. I'll see you later, alright?" I can almost picture the fake smile on her face. The way she always covers up her pain, her distress, her sadness. How can she expect me to open up to her, if she doesn't open up at all? It's such an impossible task, a task I'm not use to. No one ever asks me what's wrong. My problems? They stay inside. Hidden within me. It's a burden I carry, and it seems like Nicole carries the same one.
Goodbye... The ghost of a word runs through my head. Never to be spoken out loud. The door clicks. I know I'm alone. Well, except for Toby.
I sigh, it's been long enough, much too long.
"..I..." The words get caught in my throat, though I can hear Toby instantly brighten. The soft wind of his tail swishing side to side as he jumps to his feet. This gives me courage, "I must do something..." To whom am I talking to? I'm not entirely sure. To myself? To Toby?
He barks from happiness.
I smile slightly.
"I must do something nice...for her, for Nicole." My voice is dry, but clear. It's been so long since I've spoke. It feels good, "She's always doing something for me. I have to repay her."
Toby barks again and jumps. His paws pressing against my legs.
"What does she love?" Finally, my thoughts are heard aloud. Even if it's just only by me and Toby.
His wet nose presses against my skin. As if he's trying to communicate.
"Cooking...she loves cooking, a-and food, right? I can cook her something!" As soon as the idea leaves my lips, I instantly regret it. Who am I kidding? I can't cook. I can't bake. I can barely operate a spoon, "I must try." I tell myself, even though it's hopeless for me. Cooking while blind, some idea.
Toby nuzzles me for encouragement and I pet his head.
"Well, we might as well get started right?" I attempt a smile down at the dog. I can hear him panting, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, slobbering all over, "Heh...right." And on that note, I blindly make my way towards the kitchen. Only a few questions remain, how am I gonna manage this? And what on earth am I going to make?
I lay on the kitchen floor, my legs spread out in front of me. I can feel the batter drying on my skin, crusting. The bowl of batter in my right arm, hugging it snug. My left arm lays useless beside me. My back against the counter, my head laid back. I sit here, defeated. The smell of smoke fills the air, though not enough to set off the smoke alarm. The oven is turned off, so no fire will be caused today. Though there almost was one.
"What was I thinking?" I ask to no one in particular. I can't cook, at all, so what made me think I could make pancakes? I mean, I've seen Mikey do it before, so what reason is there that I couldn't? A bunch. That's the answer. There's a bunch of reasons to why I shouldn't have tried. Yet, being the stubborn idiot that I am, I tried anyway. I'm certain that the kitchen is a mess. A mess of ingredients. I spilled flour on the floor, I'm sure of it.
Click
I tense. I know that sound. That specific click. It's the door knob. Then follows the soft...
Creeeak.
Toby gets up from beside me and runs towards the door. Happier than anything. Nicole's back. It must be around lunch time. This isn't good. There's no time to clean. No time to flee. No time to hide.
"Hey Toby." Nicole's voice is distance but happy. The sound of joy that I haven't heard in a while from her. I smile. It's small and soft, but it's a smile, "Toby, what are you doing boy?" She asked her dog as I heard footsteps approaching. My best guess? Toby was dragging Nicole to the kitchen.
"Great. Thanks Toby." I whisper beneath my breath. My finale words spoken before Nicole enters the kitchen. I brace myself.
"Toby, why are we-" Her sentence gets cut short as her eyes gazed upon the kitchen. Upon the mess I made. She sees what? A floured covered counter, a messy table, and a worn out, dirty Leo. Yeah, welcome home, "Oh my gosh..." Her voice, it's quiet, "Leo!" Her voice, it lacks anger. It doesn't have the disappointment I expected. Instead? Instead I hear concern. And she comes rushing over to me, kneeling by my side, "Are you alright?"
I didn't expect that. I didn't expect her to be worried for me. Anger, always expect anger. But no, that is not the case today. Nicole was not angry that I made a mess of her kitchen, probably, no angry that I probably destroyed a few things, not angry that I wasted precious ingredients just to try and attempt the impossible. No, she wasn't mad at all. She was concerned, worried, fretful, all for me.
I-I'm fine...sorry about your kitchen...
Those words, that thought, forever going to remain in my mind.
"Leo...did you hurt yourself?" She persist with a stern tone of voice. She wants a response, I know it. I give a small shake of my head. I can feel her smile, "Good, now...let's get you cleaned up." She stands up and grips my hand, assisting me up.
Thank you. I speak silently, I speak not at all.
Nicole proceeds to guide me to the kitchen table as I sit down. Her footsteps get distant and the water from the tap runs. Seconds later, a soft yet rough cloth is passing over my face, my shoulders, plastron, arms, hands, and legs. Wiping up all the batter from my green body.
Thank you. The words repeat in my head.
The moments of silence stretch on between us. It's a comfortable silence, though I'm feeling a bit awkward. I must smell like pancake batter. The whole room must smell like that.
"Were you trying to make pancakes?" Nicole's question shatters the silence, causing me to jump a little.
Big surprise, I stayed silent, waves of shame washing over me, drowning me.
"It's sweet of you to do that." The brown haired girl continues, oh how I wish I could see her hair, run my fingers through it, "Though you did make a bit of a mess." She giggles and I let slip a chuckle. A smile is now beaming off her face, I just know it, "Mind if I put on some music?" Nicole asked the question, though probably knows she won't get an answer.
Sooner then I knew it, soft Japanese music was filling my ears. The tunes reminding me an awful lot of home, I had to fight back a few tears. But then? My tears dry when I hear the soft angelic humming. Cleaning up the kitchen counter, Nicole is humming to the tune of the traditional Japanese melodies. I can picture her hips swaying to the music.
I felt my cheeks growing warm and pink just thinking about it. Why? Why does she posses all my thought? Why is she all I think about? Why does she take over all my daydreams? I want her. I need her. I love her. But why? I want to hide in the darkness of my mind, curl up in the black blanket and sleep for eternity. Ugh...being a teen is hard...
A good hour goes by, maybe more, maybe less. I honestly have no idea. But for all I know, Nicole's done cleaning. It kills me that I couldn't help. Useless, once again.
"There, done." She claps her hands together, most likely looking around at her newly cleaned kitchen. Nicole walks over to me and takes my hand in hers.
Thank you. My thoughts are like a broken record on repeat. I squeeze her hand as she tugs, pulling me up. Her touch, her soft skin against mine, her hand placed perfectly within my own, it feels right, it feels so perfect. And as I get to my feet, within those few seconds, I make a decision. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being silent. I need her, I need to tell her.
My hand slides out of her grip, and with quick actions, I wrap my arms around her from behind. I hold her close to me. She fits perfectly in my embrace.
"L-Leo...what are you-?" Nicole tries to speak, but her voice fades, deciding that she doesn't need answers, not right now anyway.
I take a deep breath and tighten my grip ever so slightly. This is it. It's now or never. My thoughts are finally gonna come to life, they're gonna be heard. After a few seconds of silent passes, I speak, I manage to stutter out, "Thank you."
