SoI Chapter 9: The Holiest Apple
A/N: Welcome back to another chapter of the custom retold of the Shadow of Israphel! This one's a nice short transition chapter for your pleasure :)
Aside from that Chapter 1 of this story has been HEAVILY edited for grammatical errors and I strongly suggest checking those out.
This chapter has been edited as of 9/6/2015
"Jasper you're a fag!" the deep voice of Lysander boomed through the penthouse.
"No I'm not!" Jasper screeched "Get. Out. Of. My. Bathtub Lysander! Or I will report your misconduct to the SkyCouncil and Skylord Vitali!"
"What? You started it!"
"LYSANDER!" Jasper thundered. This was followed by a loud crash and a yell of pain. By the sound of it, Jasper had fallen down or stubbed his toe rather badly on something.
Xephos exchanged a look with his friend up on the rooftop.
"What is he doing to him?" Honeydew laughed,
"I don't know but he probably deserves it." Suddenly there was a loud shriek from below followed by pounding footsteps and another round of cursing.
"MY RECORD! WHERE IS MY BEAUTIFUL, VINTAGE, POLISHED, ONE AND ONLY ELVIS PRESLEY RECORD?!" Jasper bellowed. "AAAAGH!"
Xephos and Honeydew nearly jumped in surprise at this causing Xephos to almost drop the record case. Then there was a loud boom and another yell from Jasper,
"Yes, the rooftop! That's where they must have gone- thieves!"
Xephos glanced nervously at Honeydew, "The rooftop? Do you think he knows it's us? How did he find out…?"
"Um… does it matter? He's gonna find out in a hurry if we don't get out of here!" Honeydew said worriedly. The two hurried towards the waterfall streaming down on the house before they were met there by none other than Skylord Jasper and he was holding a sword.
"AHA!" Jasper exclaimed "If it isn't the fake Skylord from earlier! And what do you think you're doing with my record?!" he hissed, seeing the case in Xephos' hands.
"Um we- er we kind of need it, you know business and all that." Honeydew said sheepishly.
"Buisness?! Criminal business I bet! Hand over the record spaceman or I put a hole in that ugly shirt of yours." Jasper growled.
"You're not laying a hand on him before I have something to say about it." Honeydew said as Xephos slowly backed away from Jasper. But Honeydew wasn't able to say anything more as Jasper lashed out with his sword at him.
"Lewis - !" Honeydew exclaimed as the sword sped towards his chest. He closed his eyes, it was over, and they had failed. Honeydew waited several seconds but the impending attack never reached him. Instead there was a loud thunk followed by a grunt of pain. Slowly he opened his eyes to see that Skylord Jasper had fallen atop of the roof and the record case lay by his side. Honeydew stared in disbelief at the scene for a moment before he saw his friend panting nearby, sword in hand.
"I'm alive Lewis! I'm alive!" he said giddily. "Thanks pal."
Xephos laughed, and reached for the record case, "Don't mention it friend, don't mention it."
"He's a bit of a grumpy fellow isn't he?"
"Bit grumpy yeah." Xephos smiled.
"Gods… what did you do to him?" Honeydew asked, looking at the k'oed Jasper curiously. "I thought I was going to die there…"
"What do you think I did?" Xephos asked "Turns out the Holy Record's a little more useful than I thought."
"You threw it at him?" Honeydew chuckled "That's genius of you Lewis. Flat out bloody genius."
Xephos laughed,
"Yeah well I couldn't watch my best mate go down like that especially to a grouchy git. Speaking of which what do you want to do with him?" he asked, gesturing to the unconscious Skylord.
"Let's just leave him here. Honestly I don't want to deal with him anymore. Besides I think we're all a lot safer the farther away Jasper is." Honeydew said. "Plus it's not like he's not really hurt or anything – I mean – it looks like he's taking a little bath actually…"
Xephos shook his head, suppressing a laugh,
"Yeah… right well for our escape options we can either go up here…" he glanced up at the waterfall, "Or we can go that way, over the side."
"You know as long as we get out of here before Jasper wakes up that's good with me." Honeydew said. Xephos glanced back at him,
"Ready to go up pal?"
"Whenever you want – wait, wait a second here. Won't the water damage the Holy Record? Otherwise it'll be the Soggy Record or something…" Honeydew pointed out. "Can you imagine that? The Church of the Soggy Record?"
Xephos laughed, "Not really, that might put a damper on things." Xephos laughed.
"Really? A water joke?" Honeydew asked. "You're pathetic."
"Yeah but it's late and cold outside and that's all I've got at the moment. Anyway do you remember what Lysander said about the water?" Xephos said.
"Come on you expect me to remember what he says when you don't listen to him?"
Xephos ignored him. "Lysander said that the water is enchanted to not actually make you all soggy and stuff. It's something that the tourist board implemented…yeah I think it was the Mistral City tourist board."
Honeydew stared at him for a moment and shook his head "The Mistral City tourist board? Wow… you're already starting to bore me." Xephos smiled,
"C'mon let's go. You don't want to wait around until Jasper wakes up do you?"
"No thank you!" Honeydew said, pausing to kick the unconscious Jasper before he jumped into the waterfall and the two made their way up to the top.
Once Xephos reached the top of the waterfall he felt a rough hand grab his arm and yank him up onto the bridge.
"What the-" he started before Xephos found himself staring straight into the displeased face of one of the Mistral City guards. "Oh for cripes sake… this again?!"
"Who are you?" the guard demanded once Xephos had reached the landing.
"Yeah well who are you?" Xephos retorted.
Xephos stumbled back as the guard drew his sword and pointed it at his chest threateningly "I ask the questions here." He snarled. However before the guard could say anything more Honeydew had abruptly appeared from behind him.
"Why don't you ask him?" Xephos asked gesturing to Honeydew.
"What are you talking about?" the guard sneered.
"Him." Xephos pointed to Honeydew.
The guard whirled around but before he could catch a glimpse Honeydew smashed his fist into his face. The guard flew backwards into the waterfall and began to slowly float down towards the top of Jasper's penthouse.
"Thanks." Xephos said.
"Don't mention it… but dammit. We are catching all the bad breaks today aren't we?" Honeydew grumbled.
"Yeah, anyway c'mon there could be more of them." Xephos said, taking off down the bridge with Honeydew in tow.
Xephos raced down the steps of one of the bridges into a tower he didn't recognize. He sighed,
"Screw it." He muttered and opened the door.
Xephos entered the tower and sprinted down the winding stairwell to the bottom with his friend in wheezy pursuit. Miraculously, they didn't encounter any more guards and had reached the ground floor in a matter of minutes. However the pair had reached the bottom, a nearby door opened followed by a pair of heavy footsteps. Not again!
Xephos swore silently, but he turned around to see none other than their companion, Lysander leaning against the door. He was surveying them with an irritated expression as if they were making him late for a very important dinner party.
"Oh gods, thank Mordan it's you Lysander." Honeydew breathed, clutching his chest. Lysander shot him a quizzical look.
"We thought you were a guard or something." Xephos explained.
"Ah yes of course. Understandable." Lysander said brusquely "Well I've walked all the way over here, so tell me do you have the record?"
"You walked all the way over? Wait a second, how'd you know we'd be here?" Xephos asked. Lysander gave a sigh,
"I saw you up on the bridge of course, after your brief quarrel – shall we say - with the guard. All I had to do was follow your direction. But that is unimportant… Please spaceman, is the record in that case?"
Xephos looked at him in puzzlement before it dawned on him, "Oh uh - this? The – box thing? Yeah the record's in it."
"The holy record you mean." Honeydew said smarmily.
"Right the holy record." Xephos said. "That's a little ironic isn't it? It's a holy record and it has a hole in it."
"Wow it's even holier than I thought…" Honeydew murmured
"Very true." Lysander said "Even so – well done heroes! Well done indeed! I knew you could do it!"
"Lysander did you know you said well five times in that statement?" Honeydew pointed out.
"Naturally! I was pleased at your accomplishment!"
"Yeah well we are heroes."
"Heroes right…yea this is what we do every day Lysander, nothing to it really." Xephos added.
"Indeed." Lysander continued, "Right well- seeing as it is late we must hurry to Father Braeburn. Fumblemore leaves tomorrow so there is no time to waste!"
"What? Could we have a time out? Maybe a few minutes or something? A bit of a break you know, get a bit of coffee, a little rest, maybe a bit of a poo…" Honeydew suggested.
"Dwarf how can you think of such trivial things at this hour?" Lysander asked with a shocked expression on his face, "After all, desperate times call for desperate measures!"
"He's a bit tuckered out Lysander." Xephos explained "You know - all that running."
"Ah." Lysander said "Well I suppose we could hold off the quest for a few minutes."
"Thank you Lysander…thanks very bloody much…" Honeydew muttered. "Speaking of which, what where you doing to Jasper anyway? We heard uh - a few splashes." he asked surveying Lysander's wet clothing and the dark spot around his crotch. At this Lysander gave him a look,
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask." He said coldly.
Must be the bit about the bathtub… Xephos thought. He had to admit, the very idea of being in the same bathtub as Jasper would be pretty frightening not to mention a little weird.
"Yes of course, that reminds me…" Lysander said glancing down at the dark spot "Do you have an extra cloth? Something wide will do fine."
"How wide?" Honeydew asked holding his hands out. Lysander glared at him,
"A small towel will do fine. Do you have one?"
Honeydew reached into his knapsack. "Yeah I got one."
Seconds later Honeydew handed him one of Jasper's puffy pink towels. Lysander looked at it disdainfully,
"Not to be picky but are you certain you don't have another color?"
"No." Honeydew deadpanned "I don't know if you realized this Lysander, but I don't spend all my time packing towels."
"Yes well… I suppose this will have to do." Lysander sighed. "Although I would rather you didn't watch heroes."
They laughed nervously and turned around. After about a minute Lysander had part of the towel stuffed down his trousers and the other covering the spot in his personal area.
"You – uh all good there?" Honeydew asked.
Lysander shot him a look "Of course dwarf! Have you finished resting yet?"
"Yeah I'm good. Just don't move too fast." He pleaded.
"Of course, of course. Onward!" And without another word Lysander bolted out the door.
"Hey, I said go slow!" Honeydew yelled, as he stumbled and started after Lysander with Xephos in pursuit.
Several minutes later Lysander, Xephos, and a slightly green Honeydew were at the door of the Church of the Holy Apple. Or what used to be the Holy Apple that is. Apparently, Father Braeburn had taken it upon himself to redecorate the church in preparation for the arrival of the Holy Record. At the front of the church instead of the enormous glass gold apple the glass had been re-arranged into the shape of a magnificent golden record.
"Whoa, he went all out on it didn't he?" Xephos said staring at the icon.
"Indeed hero." Lysander nodded "It is very pretty. But no matter, we must wake Braeburn. Hopefully he isn't asleep or hasn't been sleeping long…"
Lysander knocked several times on the reverend's door. There was a silence, he knocked again, but louder. Once again there was no response.
"OI! Hey – uh Father Braeburn! Elvis- man! We don't have infinite time and uh – WE REALLY NEED YOU TO WAKE UP!" Honeydew yelled through the keyhole.
"Dwarf please!" Lysander exclaimed. "People are sleeping!"
"Probably not anymore..." Xephos said.
Ironically, hardly a moment later the door opened to reveal a bemused Father Braeburn with his signature sunglasses propped up on his nose.
"Heroes? Skylord? Thank Notch it's you. I just heard the most frightful noise. Some brute was yelling at my door!" he said fearfully.
"It is well Father…" Lysander sighed, "It was nothing."
"Are you sure? Perhaps they have vandalized the church!" Braeburn said, pushing past the group to examine the exterior of the church. He looked at it for several moments before breathing a deep sigh of relief and drawing a circle around his face with his hands. "Ah… Thank Notch. I put hours into these renovations - but some people just don't appreciate the effort into large projects!"
"Yeah we know what you mean Father." Xephos said, thinking back to the time he baked his first cake and Honeydew threw it down the toilet after taking one bite of it. In retrospect - that had not been one of the finer moments of their friendship.
"Indeed, some people can't let everyone else get a decent night's sleep! I was just dreaming up ideas for further renovations before I was awoken! Yes well…good heavens it is quite cold…" Braeburn clutched his thin robes around him as he waddled back inside. "Come heroes, let us talk indoors. Notch gave us nice warm houses – not to mention air conditioning - for a reason after all!"
"That has to be one of the best things I've heard come from his mouth so far…" Honeydew muttered as Braeburn shepherded them indoors. Lysander looked at him scandalously,
"Thank you for your hospitality Father." He said, "We greatly appreciate it."
"Of course, of course! Anytime! After all, hospitality is my middle name."
"Really?" Honeydew asked. Braeburn laughed at this,
"No hero it's merely a figure of speech."
"Oh, I didn't know." Honeydew muttered.
"Well," Braeburn said as he walked around the chapel lighting up the torches "what can I do for you heroes? I must admit you caught me on a bit on short notice."
"We have the record!" they said proudly.
Braeburn smiled brightly, "Why that's wonderful news heroes! Is it in that box?"
"Yeah." Xephos said. Braeburn extended a hand towards the record case,
"May I see it?"
Xephos handed Braeburn the case. The reverend ran his fingers over it covetously for a moment before he clicked the lock and removed the lid.
"By Notch- it's beautiful! I've never seen something so- so amazing in my life! Why – it looks even better than my gold encrusted apricot!"
Xephos made a face at this. A gold encrusted apricot?
"My… this is precisely what the Church needs!" Braeburn hummed "A little more music! And you got all the good songs too – excellent… Thank you heroes! Thank you very, very much!"
"Ohh you know. We do this every day." Honeydew shrugged.
"Yeah, it was barely a hassle. Took maybe- five minutes?" Xephos added.
"Thank you for your patience father." Lysander bowed.
"Yes well…well, well, well!" Braeburn smiled "I won't ask too many questions about where you got it."
"Can we have the apple please?" Honeydew asked in a strained voice.
"Yes! The apple – of course!" Braeburn jabbered, "Let me get it for you."
"Finally…" Honeydew sighed once Braeburn was out of earshot.
Shortly thereafter Braeburn walked back with a shining gold apple in hand. "Here, take it – and by Notches' shining grace – may you enjoy it!"
With a flourish he handed the apple over to Xephos.
"Thank you Father!" Xephos exclaimed pocketing the apple.
"These are good tidings indeed." Lysander concurred. "Many apologies Father but we must be off."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Braeburn said "I was hoping you'd stay for some sacramental apple juice!"
"Excuse me? Did you say sacramental apple juice - ?"
"No – no business is business Father." Lysander said cutting across Honeydew.
"Well that is unfortunate." Braeburn folded his hands together "Farewell heroes, and may Notch bless you in your future works. Now," he turned back to the chapel "to redecorate the rest of this place!"
With that the companions exited the building into the chilly night air, where it had thankfully stopped snowing.
"Farewell Father!" Xephos said as the door closed. "That's brilliant. Now we can save Old Peculier!"
"Um… Lewis we still need one more apple." Honeydew pointed out.
"Oh cripes that's right." Xephos said.
"No it's okay! Granny has the other one." Honeydew said.
"Right… but don't have the seven diamonds we need!" Xephos groaned. Honeydew rolled his eyes,
"Of course we do silly."
He held out a hand to reveal four gleaming diamonds.
"You got four? That's perfect!" Xephos smiled "I got three and that makes seven!"
"Well yeah I knew that. I did take basic addition." Honeydew said.
"That settles it I believe." Lysander said "Where do you need to go heroes?"
Honeydew smiled, "I think it's time to pay Granny another visit."
"Is her place open right now?" Xephos asked doubtfully.
"No, but Fumblemore is leaving soon so it's gonna be!"
A/N: And that's a wrap! Oh man, it feels so GOOD to finally break out of a writer's block and post a new chapter.
Anyway, we'll be getting back to the dramatics by Chapter 10, Fumblemore's Magical Brew for All Ills
A couple side notes:
I am accepting OC's for a female character that will play some kind of major role in this story since Daisy Duke mainly plays a very small role as a victim of various evil dudes. PM me your suggestions or leave them in a review!
Another side – note: I've wanted to announce this for a while but I'm proud to say that there will be a sequel to this story. I will be releasing the prologue in about a month and maybe one or two teaser chapters over the next couple months with the final story coming out in 2016 (you know, that year the politicians are always talking about).
Until the next chapter… Cheers!
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