SoI Chapter 10: Granny Bacon's Tea and Whoopie Parlor
The snow began to fall harder as the trio quickly made their way down the dark alleys of Mistral towards Granny's shop. Xephos drew Lysander's traveling cloak over his head to shield himself from the weather and checked his clock, it was half past ten.
"Blast!" Lysander cursed. "The parlor is closed!"
Xephos glanced up at the sign on the windowsill of Granny Bacon's whoopie parlor. It read in big curly letters:
Closed
Hours: Six to six on weekdays, seven to eleven on weekends.
"Oh dammit, its Friday isn't it?" he groaned.
"Yeah…" Honeydew sighed, "Who closes on a Friday?"
"Very true hero." Lysander concurred in his usual condescending manner, "It is highly unfortunate. Nevertheless, we must get the second apple if we are to save old Peculier!"
"That's great but how are we going to get in?" Xephos wondered.
"Well we do have one option," Honeydew surmised "but it's slightly extreme." He added somewhat deviously.
"You're going to bust the door in aren't you?" Xephos snorted, "I knew that's what you were thinking! That's always what you're thinking; whenever you get that… look in your eyes."
Honeydew grinned, "What look?"
"That manic look. I've lived with you for years Simon I know what you're like."
"Well, I was going to ask really nicely first."
"Heroes!" Lysander snapped, readjusting his towel to better cover his accident at Jasper's penthouse. "This bickering must cease else! We've spent too long in this weather already! Surely one of you must be getting cold by now?"
"No not really." Xephos demurred.
"Really?" Lysander shook his head in disbelief, "Well, you heroes are made out of sterner stuff than I imagined."
"Living in a cave for a few years helps toughen you up."
"Ah yes… yes of course I suppose cave dwelling would do that…" Lysander replied, teeth chattering as he hugged himself for warmth, "Now, we have talked enough. Could we get on with it please?"
"Get on with what?" Honeydew asked, seeming genuinely confused as to what Lysander was nattering on about.
"Opening that damn door properly!"
"Oh yeah. Alright, fineee… we'll do it the boring way." Honeydew grumbled as he walked over to the door and knocked several times. Then he stepped back and waited for several moments, but there was no response.
"I don't think she's awake Simon." Xephos observed.
"Really? You're a genius Lewis, a bloody genius. Anyway she's gonna be." Honeydew said as he knocked on the door several more times, but louder.
Once again there was no response from inside the parlor and the place was silent save for the quiet pitter patter of falling snowflakes.
"Oh for Mordan's sake." Honeydew muttered as he took several steps back from the doorway.
"Hero-" Lysander gave him a warning glance. However, he was too late on the uptake as Honeydew raced towards the door, giving a dwarven battle cry,
"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" he rammed into the door and with a low boom it crashed inwards. Lysander and Xephos stood in silence as they watched a cloud of dust emit from the entrance and a few snow flurries blow inside.
"Oh gods Simon…" Xephos sighed "I guess that works."
"Naboth's beard! Is this how he usually acts hero?" Lysander asked as he glanced around the surrounding buildings, checking to see if anyone had been awakened by their noisy entrance. Thankfully, no one seemed to have been disturbed by it as was evident by the lack of yelling or howling dogs in the vicinity.
"Um…" Xephos started before he was interrupted by a loud shriek and several twangs of an arrow followed by another curse in dwarfish,
"Hey! Getoff me you crazy b - , owwww! Stop it! I am NOT trying to rob anything – WE NEED TO SEE GRANNY! GRANNY BACON – I'M A FRIEND – aaah stop shooting at me you crazed – AAAAH GODS!"
"Simon!" Xephos asked as he hurried to the door, by the sound of it his friend was in trouble.
"Lewis! Oi – I told you I'M NOT AN INTRUDER –"
Xephos had barely reached the door before he jumped back as an arrow whizzed by his face.
"Ah!" he yelped before peeking back inside to see a young brown haired woman dressed in brown hiking boots, and a dark green jerkin nock an arrow at his head. Nearby Honeydew was splayed on the floor and held a wooden plank that had several arrows embedded in its surface, as a makeshift shield.
"Hey uh – could you please hold off -?"
However, he was unable to finish his sentence before another arrow sailed by his position near the broken door.
"Enough!" Lysander hollered, "I am Skylord Lysander and I demand that you cease your attack at once!"
There was a brief rusting before Xephos heard the sound of an arrow returning to its quiver. He peeked inside to see that their assailant had laid down her bow, much to his relief, and instead fixed them with an icy glare.
"Skylord? I thought Skylords were supposed to protect from robbers, not aid them!" she said angrily. She had a sharp and commanding, almost a motherly voice. Xephos winced to hear it.
"I told you – we're not robbers – for Notches sake Lewis help me up…" Honeydew groaned.
"Um?" Xephos peeked inside at the woman, "Can I – er help him up?" he said gesturing to the prostate form of Honeydew.
"Yes go ahead." She replied irritably. Xephos nodded and quickly – for fear that he might get shot at again - pulled Honeydew off the floor.
"Oooh thanks. You're a saint Lewis, a bloody saint." Honeydew said as he brushed himself off and faced the woman. "Sorry 'bout the door."
"As you should be! Who are you? What are you doing here? Why do you need to see Granny?"
"Um…"
"We're -"
"It's a bit complicated -"
"It really is actually -"
To the great relief of the two heroes Lysander broke in, "They are Xephos and Honeydew, two heroes of this land. I am their guide. We have come to procure a golden apple from Granny, one of our companions, Old Peculier, has fallen ill and we need one more apple to make him well."
The woman stared at them in silence for a moment before she chuckled and then burst into laughter,
"Heroes? With a Skylord? Searching for a gold apple? Ha! That's a tall tale if I ever heard one!"
"It's complicated!" Honeydew protested.
"Really?" the woman replied, barely concealing her amusement, "Well if you aren't robbers then you might as well come in."
"You… you're letting us in?"
"Yes Dwarf. But don't think yourself welcome. If I find a single thing missing I will shoot an arrow into your backside before you can say Khaz Mordan."
"Right, right… um sorry about the door then." Honeydew muttered.
"I appreciate your kindness Dwarf and as such if you're so sorry would you be kind enough to fix the door before you leave?"
"What -?" Honeydew started before he was interrupted by a kick from Xephos. "Oh the door? Yeah, we'd be really happy to fix it."
"That is well. You three seem to be so good at breaking down doors I'm sure you'd be able to put it back up in no time." The woman smiled sarcastically and sat down at a table near one of the fireplaces. The fellowship watched as she pulled a flint and steel from her jerkin, struck it twice over a log, lighting the fireplace and filling the room with a dim orange glow.
Honeydew watched apprehensively as she turned around and looked at him, wondering if she was about to shoot him any second. Instead the woman sighed, put down her flint and steel, and beckoned towards him.
"Well? Are you going to stand at the doorstep all day?" she said irritably, "Come in for Notches sake. You said you needed to see Granny about something right?"
"Yep!"
"Yes, we need a golden apple." Lysander said as he stepped inside and bowed to her. "Skylord Lysander, at your service dear lady."
"Yeah, I bet you are. If you don't mind Skylord, would you tell your two minions to get in here before the whole place gets covered in snow?"
Lysander nodded, "Heroes!"
At this Xephos and Honeydew came inside and stood next to Lysander, facing their host at the fireplace. The woman stared at them for several seconds before shaking her head in annoyance,
"Are you just going to stand there? Go on, sit down!" she said. The fellowship complied at once. "No, not you two. The Skylord can sit. Get that door up first!"
"She's a bit unfriendly isn't she?" Xephos murmured as he and Honeydew strode over to the fallen door, slowly heaved it upright and slammed it back in place.
"Yeah…" Honeydew panted, "Some lady. I thought women were supposed to be gentle and kind, not you know, like nasty old grannies or something."
Lewis chuckled at this and glanced over at the woman seated at the fireside table with Lysander, "Be glad she didn't hear that one."
"Hey! Have you two finished over there?" the woman asked irritably, fixing them with a stare so icy to Lysander's most offended looks paled in comparison. If looks could kill, Xephos thought, that would do it.
"All done you beautifully bosomed young lady." Honeydew winked. Oh gods, Xephos thought as the woman's glare deepened and she got out of her seat to face the dwarf, this can't end well can it?
But to Xephos' complete surprise the woman giggled and shook her head, "You lot… you're just so silly!" she fell back in her chair and laughed, "Well go on, take a seat! My name's Haylee, Haylee Evans. Come on sit down, I won't bite."
"Um…" Xephos stared at her. What just happened?
"Beautifully bosomed young lady! Oh, that's the dumbest line I've heard all day! And from a pudgy old dwarf at that! Ha!" Haylee wiped several tears away from her eyes, "Oh my… that was so stupid!"
"I'll have you know I'm only a hundred and forty." Honeydew retorted, face beet red.
"Only a hundred and forty? Really?" Haylee giggled, "You could be my great, great, great, great grandfather! Can I call you gramps? Is that okay?"
"My name is Honeydew…" Honeydew growled, "And one hundred and forty is very young for a dwarf! I assure you I'm very good, especially in bed if you know what I mean." He added with a sly wink.
"Women Lewis," Honeydew shook his head as he took his seat by Haylee, "I will never understand them."
Lysander shot him a scandalous look at this, "That was hardly appropriate hero."
"Oh sod off Lysander." Honeydew muttered. Lysander raised an indignant eyebrow at this,
"Did you say something hero?"
"Nope!"
"Are you finished babbling yet?" a now very serious Haylee asked loudly, "Because if all you're going to do is have at each other like a peck of crows then I'd be too happy to kick all of you out."
"No, we're quite finished." Lysander demurred, "About the gold –"
"WE NEED THE GOLD APPLE YOU DAFT BITCH!" Honeydew yelled.
"Hero!"
"Who are you calling a daft bitch?!" Haylee growled, "I'm an expert at Archery!"
"Who cares?"
"Oh for cripes sake…" Xephos groaned.
"Were you talking about me dear?" a kindly voice asked from above. This was followed by a loud thump, as if someone was getting out of bed, and soft footsteps down the staircase above; Xephos sighed they had clearly woke someone up.
"What the –" Lysander murmured, staring up at the ceiling in an attempt to discern where the voice had come from. "What was that?"
"Um," Xephos said before the voice called again,
"I'll have you know I'm not daft! I was just taking a wee little nap!"
"Oh my gods Lewis." Honeydew stared at his friend before he burst out laughing, "That's Granny! Bloody hell it's Granny!"
"Oh… it is isn't it?" Xephos agreed, the voice did sound like Granny's. Plus she said 'dear' and Granny was the only person he had ever heard use that word, at least when not referring to someone's wife.
"Now you've done it!" Haylee yelled angrily, slamming her fist on the table, causing several teacups to fall over, roll off the table, and smash into pieces on the floor. "Dammit!" she cursed loudly, "Granny is going to kill me for this!"
"I wouldn't harm a fly on your pretty little head dear!" Granny replied. The group all whirled around in surprise to see the wizened figure of Granny Bacon, in an enormous pink robe standing at the foot of the stairwell, looking a bit too pleased to see them there. Wow, she got down here a bit quickly didn't she? Xephos wondered as Granny paced towards them offering a devious smile to Honeydew. To Xephos' embarrassment, Honeydew returned it in kind and licked his lips rudely causing Granny to giggle.
"Granny…"
"Haylee dear, it's perfectly alright,"
"But Granny but don't you know who –"
"Yes, I know who they are!" Granny beamed, "These are the boys who were kind enough to visit me earlier in the day for a little business. Except you Lysander. I haven't seen you around here for a very long time you naughty boy!"
Lysander blushed a deep red at this, "I'm sorry Ms. Bacon. Forgive me."
"You are forgiven! Now Haylee dear, would you be kind enough to fix our guests a little tea?" Granny said, "I would do it myself but my, I am such an old woman!" she added with a girlish laugh.
"Of course." Haylee muttered, scowling at Honeydew as she strode over to the bar countertop, fetched the tea kettle and began filling it under the tap at once.
"We apologize for the disturbance Ms. Bacon." Lysander said cordially. Granny glanced at him tiredly and waved him off,
"Don't fret over me Lysander. I am but an old maid…"
"A very sexy old maid at that!" Honeydew growled.
Granny giggled at this "Oh I'm all a dither - !" but before she could finish her flirtations there was a loud crash from the bar followed by a chorus of swearing. "Dear me…!" Granny exclaimed, glancing over at the countertop, where a highly animated Haylee was holding the remains of the shattered tea kettle in her left hand. She yelled in anger once more before noticing the group staring at her.
"Sorry," she said, "I just got a bit distracted that's all…"
"That's okay Haylee. Just make sure to clean it up like a good girl and use the other kettle!" Granny said, as he returned her attentions back to the heroes, "Now, what can I do for you dears?"
A/N: It feels so good to finally get another chapter out I hope you all enjoyed it!
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