Chapter 5 - Remorse

Rick tore out of the house like a bat out of hell. If he could he would have stopped to kick his own ass for the things he'd said to her.

His family. Michonne was everything to him. Family was just the beginning of it. And he'd let her think she wasn't part of it. He blamed her for making life worth living again and then pushed her away when they suffered their first loss since being together.

It was a big loss. Glenn was like a brother to Rick. His friendship was given freely, his loyalty was unflinching, and his moral compass was something Rick knew would help guide the community into the future. He had a wisdom beyond his years and a respect for life that knew no bounds. In these and so many other ways he was like Michonne.

Every one of his friends…his family…had a lot of offer. But Glenn's and Michonne's gifts were deeper. Their understanding of people and the world around them gave the the ability to remain compassionate in the face of true evil. Rick was thought by most to be the leader, but he was guided and supported by Michonne and Glenn.

Losing Glenn gave him a glimpse into the terror of losing Michonne. He would be beyond redemption if that ever happened. He knew he would burn down the world if he loss her. And it scared him shitless.

So many things had become clear to him since Glenn's horrific beating. His family was not safe. They might never be safe again. They didn't control their own destiny. They didn't even control their own fate in getting through the night. And any faith he had left him.

But the worst thing he came to understand was that Michonne owned the other part of his soul. He loved her beyond reason. And when he lost Glenn he began to thing loving her like that was not a thing. Not good for Judith and Carl. Not good for the community. Because he could never admit to anyone that when Negan chose Glenn, Rick felt …..relieved. Relieved it wasn't Michonne.

That thought haunted him every single moment since it happened. How could he take comfort in her arms when he was so selfish. How could he let her work her magic and make everything okay when his thoughts were so treacherous. He felt certain he wasn't the man she thought he was and didn't deserve to be with her. She'd figure that out soon and he decided to push her away before that happened. Maybe next time someone from their group died, he would not take joy in the fact that it wasn't her.

It was the look on Carl's face and burn of his punches that knocked some sense into Rick. Carl was open in his love for Michonne. Rick knew, without asking, that Carl was grateful to be able to return home with both Rick and Michonne intact. And - it was okay.

The fog cleared in Rick's thick head he was able to realize that every loss to their group would be painful. And for everyone they loss, they would celebrate in some way those who remained. He realized too late that they should cling tighter to each other - that he should have clung tighter to Michonne - rather than pushing away.

Now, he would have to find her, and convince her to see his stupidity for what it was - survivor's remorse.