KAIJOU'S SHIRO
Outtakes – This chapter will mostly be in dialogue, you can skip this if you want to
Prologue, Take 1
"You are aware that I can't play basketball, right?"
"You can be our manager then – ITAI!"
Kise instinctively flinches when he glances at the murderous, pissed off face of his normally peppy make-up artist – who has just stabbed him in the ribs. Violently. With a foundation brush.
"Kise-kun," Yuri the Makeup Artist says with false sweetness, cocking her head to the side and twirling her foundation brush like an extremely efficient murder weapon.
"Will you stop. Fuckin'. Movin'?"
Kise sits up in his chair and starts sweating weirdly.
"Y-Yes ma'am ~suu!"
Uwahhh, her country girl accent is coming out!
The fearsome makeup artist snaps her head towards the source of the insulting thought and smiles.
"You motherfuckers got somethin' to say to me, hmmmm?"
"Director, save us!"
"CUT!"
Prologue, Take 4
"I have no experience, Ryouta," Shiro furrows her eyebrows, wincing slightly as her hair stylist starts curling her hair.
"Ah."
Shiro stiffens the second she hears that. It is never a good thing when your stylist says something like 'Ah' when they're curling your fucking hair with a curling iron. Never.
"…Stylist-san?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Why do I smell smoke?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"SOMEBODY GET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER –!"
"CUT!"
Prologue, Take 12
"Don't worry, Shirocchi! I'll make sure your application's streamlined to Coach! We'll be working together in no time!"
"Thank you, Ryou – ah!"
Gravity finally decides to slap Kise back to reality when he tips over in his chair, before promptly losing his balance and crashing spectacularly into the white-haired author. There's no time for either of them to react as they both yelp loudly before crashing onto the floor together.
"O-Ow…sorry about that Shirocchi –" Kise groans as he waves his hand apologetically before quickly latching onto something to support himself.
Boing~
Eh?
Boing~ Boing~ Boing~
…Eh? Since when was the floor so bouncy…?
Boing~
And so soft…?
"H-Hyaa~"
Kise's blood runs cold as he blinks his eyes open, only to find himself staring dead into his friend's reddening face, her eyes quickly averting away from his and her hand tactfully covering over her mouth.
"R-Ryouta…"
Kise can feel the incoming assault of an unwarranted boner when he glances down to see exactly what is he holding onto. He immediately loses all the feeling in his legs when he realizes that his hand is not latching onto the leg of a chair or the floor, but Shiro's breast. Her very bouncy, incredibly soft, B-cup breast –
"Hentai…"
Kise flinches at the accusation – and then out of pure shock, squeezes her breast again for good measure.
This time Shiro lets out a surprised moan worthy of an AV idol's, which – much to Kise's dismay – attracts the attention of… them.
"Ryouta…will you please stop fondling my breasts?"
Whelp, that's it. He'd dead.
"RYOUTA-KUN..."
"KISE-KUN…"
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
Behind Kise, his manager Kyouka has her arms crossed and her face entirely black, tapping her foot impatiently on the floor as if asking, 'Are you done molesting her yet?' and Shiro's manager Kana is exuding a deadly aura worthy of Satan and is slapping her Paper Fan of Doom onto the palm of her hand in an absolutely terrifying manner. Both of them are sporting serial killer smiles that can probably make Hannibal Lecter piss himself out of fear.
"W-Wait Kyoukacchi, Kanacchi I can explain –"
The smiles on their faces twitch murderously.
"No excuses, you PERVERT!"
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T KILL ME, PLEASE –!"
"O-Oi Director, isn't it time to say –"
The crew member pauses when he sees that the Director not in his Director's chair and is instead joining the two infuriated managers in chasing the terrified blonde model around the set while wearing a 'Shiro-chan Protection Squad' T-shirt…and is that a machine gun prop he's aiming at Kise's head –?
"D-DIRECTOR!"
"You piece of sh*t how dare you try to fondle my precious daughter's growing chest you m*therf*cking pretty boy pedophile –"
"DIRECTOR, SHE ISN'T EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER, AND WHO THE HELL IS DOING THOSE 'BLEEP' SOUND EFFECTS –!"
"PREPARE YOURSELF, M*THERF*CKER –!"
"SAVE ME, SHIROCCHI –!"
"CUT! CUT! CUT! CUUUUUUUUUUT!"
Chapter I, Take 1
(Scene where Shiro is asking for directions to the Kaijou High Basketball Gym)
"Um, excuse me, do you know where –"
THUMP.
Shiro stares blankly at the fallen form of the blushing first-year boy.
She nudges his body with the heel of her foot, and realizes he's not breathing. She calmly looks at the Director and drags a finger over her throat, calling for a cutscene.
"CUT! AND CALL AN AMBULANCE!"
Chapter I, Take 2
"Um, excuse me, do you know –"
THUMP.
Shiro stares, mildly fascinated at how her name is being written in blood like a scene from a murder mystery film.
"Ah, that's the wrong kanji –"
"CUT! AND CLEAN UP THE BLOOD WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!"
Chapter I, Take 3
"Um, excuse me, do you –"
"H-HAI! ICHIJOU-SAN! H-HOW MAY I ASSIST Y-YOU? D-DO YOU NEED YOUR SHOES WAXED? D-DO YOU NEED ME TO C-CARRY YOU? O-OR DO YOU WANT M-ME TO HELP YOU K-KILL SOMEONE? I-I WON'T MIND –"
"Wait, I didn't say anything yet –"
"WAHHH! I'M SORRY! P-PLEASE ALLOW ME TO PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE YOU!"
Before Shiro can even stop the boy, he accidentally slams face-first into the floor and is promptly knocked out.
Shiro doesn't even need to check whether he's alive before looking at the camera like she's in the office.
"Cut?"
The Director sighs. "Yes, Cut."
Chapter I, Take 4
"Um excuse me –"
THUMP.
Chapter I, Take 5
"Um –"
THUMP.
Chapter I, Take 6
Shiro doesn't even bother asking as she sits down on the floor and starts penning down notes for her newest chapter, ignoring the steady flow of blood near her feet and the Director's exasperated call of 'Cut'.
Chapter I, Take 7
The filming crew finally gets their shit together and brings over a girl that Shiro can ask directions from. After six takes, Shiro has absolutely zero hopes for this take to go as planned and is biding her time where more blood will stain the hallway floors.
Of course, she's right on that aspect. Kind of.
"Excuse me; do you know where the basketball club's gym is?"
She's admittedly pretty, Shiro admits, a bit on the short side with one helluva rack. G-cup, maybe? She's looking up at Shiro with stars in her eyes and a blush staining her cheeks. This will not go well.
"H-H-Hai! U-Um j-j-just t-take a r-right tu-turn a-at t-the –"
The girl's cheeks practically pop with red and looks almost ready to start mentally combusting.
Incoming in 3…2…1
"I-ICHIJOU-SAN! W-WILL YOU PLEASE SIGN MY BR –"
"Nope," the Director deadpans and lazily beckons one of the PAs to shut her up.
The PA tosses a water bottle at the girl's head. She faints. She doesn't get back up.
They decide to just tell Shiro where the gym is.
Chapter II, Take 1
(Scene where Shinya Nakamura is teaching Shiro the ropes)
"I'm simply wondering why it's you who's showing me the ropes senpai. I expected either the captain or vice-captain to do it."
"First of all, Kasamatsu-senpai is clearly out of commission," Shinya explains emotionlessly, "Kobori Kouji, jersey number 8, our vice-captain and center is supposed to teach you."
"Why isn't he doing that then?"
"Because he looks like he really wants to talk to you, if only he can get the shit out of his ass fast enough to do that. And I can assure you that whatever he wants to talk to you about will have nothing to do with basketball."
The room suddenly becomes silent. So silent that one can hear a pin drop from five hundred miles away.
Shinya, unaware of what just occurred, turns to Shiro for assistance. She sends him a look that is eerily similar to his 'I'm so done with you' expression he gives to the Kaijou regulars on a daily basis. Shinya sighs.
"…I just said that out loud, didn't I?"
"Yes."
"Ah."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Nakamura, 100 laps around the school."
"CUT."
Chapter II, Take 5
"Aren't you tired?"
"A little."
"Are you even getting enough sleep every night?"
"Mmhmm…"
"What's that supposed to –?"
THUMP.
The entire filming crew, Kaijou team, and Shinya all stare incredulously at the white-haired girl curled up on the floor wearing a sleeping mask, bundled up in a cute and fluffy panda motif futon and snoring contentedly.
"…"
Everybody turns to the Director, who's rummaging for something from his massive suitcase. Seconds later, he pulls out an old-fashioned camera.
"Director –"
The lanky Director holds up a hand to stop him from talking.
"Shh," he whispers, taking off the camera cover, "Don't ruin this for me."
The Director starts clicking away on his camera, most likely for his 'Daughter's Photo Collection' as the rest of the crew just collectively sigh and settle down for tea break. Shinya walks over to the Director's PA and asks the burning question on the tip of his tongue.
"Is that –?"
"Normal?" the PA finishes his sentence for him, sipping his cup of tea tiredly like some war-torn veteran soldier, "To answer that: yes. This happens every single time Shiro-san appears in a scene. Every. Single. Time."
"I see," Shinya deadpans, blinking lifelessly.
The PA pours a cup of tea and passes it over to the second-year shooting guard and sends him a jaded smile that says, 'I've seen it all'.
"Want some tea? It's chamomile."
Shinya blinks again and nods before graciously accepting the cup. "Yes, thank you."
Shinya sits down next to him and sips his drink. It's warm.
And thus, they started dating and lived happily ever –
"WAIT! THIS ISN'T THAT KIND OF STORY! CUT! CUT! CUUUUUUUT!"
"Takeshi, you're fired!"
"W-What? What did I do –?"
"YOU WOKE SHIRO-CHAN UP!"
"Wah but –"
"Mmm…so noisy…"
"TAKESHI! FIRED!"
"*cue loud sobbing noises*."
Chapter II, Take 8
(Scene after Shiro's 'make Kaijou no. 1 in Japan' speech)
"H-How beautiful Hime! Of course we'll work together with you!" Moriyama cries out happily and reaches out to pick a rose out of nowhere.
A black-and-white flogger appears in Moriyama's hand.
"…"
"Senpai…is that."
The pretty boy shooting guard stares at the flogger in his hand.
"Wrong prop," he says lamely.
Over to the filming crew, the Director shoots the prop crew a tired look that says, 'Are you fucking serious?'
They all shrug. Whoops.
Chapter II, Take 9
This time, it's an engraved collar.
Chapter II, Take 10
Third time, they're handcuffs.
Chapter II, Take 11
There is a strangely phallic-shaped, brown-colored item in Moriyama's hand…
"Hey, isn't this a –"
"CUT! PROP TEAM, WHAT THE HELL? GET THAT THING OUT OF MY DAUGHTER'S SIGHT!"
"But Director, it's just a chocolate banana –"
"I don't care! I want all the BDSM props trashed!"
"But –"
"No buts, or you're fired!"
The BDSM prop manager pouts and mutters a 'meanie meanie Director-san' while Moriyama goes onto his knees and apologizes profusely to a completely bewildered Shiro.
Chapter II, Take 12
"Yukio-senpai."
Kasamatsu and Kise both snap their heads to their manager's direction. It takes a few seconds for Kasamatsu to process the current situation properly before he realizes that Shiro is carrying a familiar-looking engraved collar from the previous scene and a leash.
"I understand that there is some form of disciplinary action needed to be taken when it comes to training and practice, but can you not use physical violence on Ryouta? If you have to do so, please use this," Shiro explains diplomatically. She glances at Kise sharply, who jerks up to attention.
"Ryouta, sit."
"Arf!" Kise barks on basic instinct alone – shocking everyone on the set, as he pants happily when Shiro locks the collar around his neck. Upon a closer inspection, they realize that the name engraved on the collar is 'Ryouta' in fancy yellow lettering. The white-haired girl then attaches the leash to the collar and places the end of it onto Kasamatsu's hand.
"Hai," she says with a sincere smile, "please do what you want with him."
Kasamatsu's face turns entirely stony as he looks at the leash on his hand, to the very serious girl in front of him, and then to the Kaijou Ace sitting on the floor with imaginary puppy ears on his head.
"Arf?" Kise questions cheerfully, cocking his head to the side.
CRACK.
…
…
…
…
"Hime, I think you just broke Kasamatsu," Moriyama says slowly.
"…Oh dear."
"CUT!" the Director orders loudly before snapping his head at the prop crew's direction, wagging his finger accusingly at the currently collared-up Kise.
"I THOUGHT I ORDERED ALL BDSM PROPS TO BE TRASHED!"
"We did trash them, sir."
"THEN WHAT ON EARTH ARE THOSE!?"
"Um Director, those items belong to me, and they're not props," Shiro breaks in casually, letting the implications of her sentence sink in.
The Director stares at his supposedly 'innocent daughter' in pure shock. A minute ticks by before he falls off his chair with a defeated THUMP.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Was it something I said?" Shiro asks in confusion.
The filming crew sighs. They all just want to get this day over and done with.
Chapter II, Take 20
(Basically 'What Happened If Kasamatsu Woke Up a Few Minutes Earlier')
"SHIT, WHERE AM I? WHO BROUGHT ME HERE –?"
Kasamatsu's throat dries up instantly when he realizes that he hasn't heard his cue to 'wake up' yet and is now staring at the half-naked form of Ichijou Shiro. Her silky white hair is slung over her shoulder and the back of her bra isn't hooked on properly. And then you have her skirt that's bunched seductively around her hips, proudly showing off her very fine, panty-clad ass to an extremely embarrassed Kasamatsu Yukio.
"Yukio-senpai, can you please turn around, I'm not done changing yet –"
Kasamatsu falls back onto the bed like a rock. The crew members all look to each other in concern before turning their heads to their replacement Director.
"Keep rolling," the replacement Director says nonchalantly as he flips through his porn magazine.
Chapter II, Take 24
"– and that's all. Not too much to sign at all."
Blink.
"Ah, and don't forget the limited editions of Nippon Inspirations –"
Blink.
"Just address them to: the marvelous Takeuchi Genta, who has skill and talent unparalleled with none other –"
Shiro can't help but inwardly twitch at the STACKS of magazine issues on her Coach's desk. 'Not much too sign at all' her ass! A top agent working at the FBI would've keeled over by the amount of shit she had to sign!
"Get them all done by today, alright? Have a good night, Ichijou," Coach Takeuchi calls out cheerfully as picks up his bag and leaves the staffroom with a tiny skip in his steps.
Shiro unconsciously crushes the pen in her grip and snaps her head viciously at the camera.
"You will all rue this day," she threatens lowly, before moodily returning to her 'paperwork'.
The filming crew sighs contentedly while sipping steaming cups of hot tea. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing an annoyed Shiro at the end of the day, after all.
Author's Note:
I don't own KnB and dear god after reading this I realize my humor sucks.
Also, I'm currently resting at the hospital due to my asthma condition, so I'm really sorry if updates are taking too long (considering I'm still schooling at the same time too). I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and pray that this won't be my last. Drop some reviews, alright? I love reading them!
Question: Do you all want more chapter outtakes (for Chapter III, IV V and VI)?
