Authors note: I'm not exactly sure how long this is going to be but I'm anticipating around three chapters or so.
Disclaimer: I don't own KH or the song "I Can Barely Say" by the Fray which was my inspiration for this fanfic.
I CAN BARELY SAY
I've been gone so long,
I can barely say.
All I know is now I wanna stay.
Has it been too long
since I went away?
Cuz I'm trying to find the words,
but I can barely say…
Chapter One: Return Home
It'd been three years since Sora had been home and he couldn't have felt more uncomfortable. His mother, of course, was overjoyed to see him again and so far had not really asked any questions about his extended absence. As for the rest of the people he cared about, he wasn't sure if they'd be so happy about his return. Not wanting to cause a scene by his arrival, he basically had to sneak back onto the island and into his own house in the middle of the night.
The morning had come all too soon and now Sora had the blanket raised over his head to block out the sunlight. Having little luck, he tossed and turned, wishing he could fall back asleep.
Hearing a knock on his bedroom door, he questioned loudly, "Mom, aren't you going to be late for work? I'm okay, I'll make breakfast for myself later."
Receiving only silence in reply, he lifted the blanket off his head and stared curiously at the door. Finally, he heard a deep voice answer, "It's me, your mom let me in on her way out."
Sora's mouth fell open. "Riku?" He watched in shock as the door opened and the older boy walked into his room. He had gotten even taller and his hair was back to around the length it was before they first left the islands.
"Hey." Riku greeted, walking over to Sora's desk and taking a seat.
"…How did you know I was here?" The brunette stared up at him, confused and at a lack for words.
He laughed, "Nice to see you again, too." Pointing to the lamp on the desk and to the ceiling, Riku said, "I saw your lights on last night. Your mom never comes in here when you're gone so… I figured it had to be you."
"Gotcha." Sora sat up in his bed, smiling sheepishly, "And I am happy to see you… I just didn't know if you would be happy to see me."
"What makes you say that?" Riku stared at him intently, a bit confused himself.
"Just… I know it hurt you and Kairi that I decided to not come home with you two." He paused and looked down, a deep frown taking over his face, "…Does Kairi know I'm back?"
He heard Riku shake his head, "No. I haven't told her yet."
Sora let out a sigh of relief, "Good. I don't know what I'm going to say her." He looked back up, "But I don't even really know what to say to you, either."
The older boy shrugged, "You did what you had to do, Sora." He gave him a reassuring smile, "We can't blame you for that. Though, I won't lie, Kairi was really upset for a while. But not really at you, just at the fact that you weren't here. Sometimes it was a little more directly at you… but she was just frustrated and sad."
"What about now?" He pressed.
Riku's eyes flickered around the room, unsure of how to respond, "Don't get me wrong, she's missed you and I'm sure she wants to see you. We've talked about you a lot. But… it's been a few years, Sora. She's been going to school at the university and she actually just moved into an apartment this past summer with Selphie." His mouth parting, he paused for a moment before finishing, "She's dated a few guys here and there too."
"Oh." Sora felt a pang of sadness in his chest, even though he knew that was more than likely going to be the case, "I mean… I expected that. I knew she couldn't wait for me forever."
"I know it still hurts, though." Riku lightly touched his friend's shoulder, "Sorry."
Sora shook his head, "It's okay. We just kissed once; it's not like we were in a real relationship or anything."
Glancing down at his watch, Riku realized he needed to leave, "I've got to get going to make it on time for my class, but listen. Don't let Kairi find out from me or anybody else other than you that you're here or that will make things really awkward with her. She doesn't go to the play island anymore but she hangs out by the dock where all the row boats are tied up around sunset. Let me know how it goes after you do talk to her."
The brunette gave a half-hearted smile, "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind."
Riku gave Sora a quick hug, "It is good to have you home, Sora. Don't over think everything and try to relax."
He hugged him back, laughing, "I'll try."
"See you later." Riku pulled away and waved at him before walking out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
Even though the situation with Kairi was still completely up in the air, Sora already felt immensely better knowing that he and Riku were on good terms. Finally feeling calm, he laid back onto his bed and let himself get a few hours of sleep.
After getting up, making lunch, and taking a shower, he was beginning to feel less and less out of place. Changing into fresh clothes, he was thankful he hadn't grown almost a whole foot like he had the first time he came back home so all of his clothes still fit for the most part. Now donning a white t-shirt and brown shorts, he sat back on his bed and contemplated whether he should try to see Kairi today or if he should give himself more time to think.
'What am I gonna say? What am I gonna do?' He moved his hands up his face and through his hair in frustration. Every situation he pictured in his head ended up with her being upset with him or even just flat out refusing to talk with him and it crushed him. But at the same time, he was dying to see her. He missed her so badly every single day that he was gone, his heart felt like bursting the moment he landed on the islands knowing that he was so close to her again. If he wasn't so afraid of her reaction, he would have already found her by now.
'I guess I still have a few more hours to figure out what I want to say before she's done with classes and heads to the dock.' He tried to reassure himself.
But several hours wasn't enough; he felt just as hopeless as he had been earlier that morning as he dragged his feet along the path towards the shore. He was thankful that his house was fairly close to the dock so that way he wouldn't run into anyone else on the way there. He was afraid if anyone else saw him that he might lose whatever little bit of bravery he had managed to build up and turn around and go home.
He stopped, closing his eyes and trying to relax. 'It's still Kairi. She's still your best friend, the girl you grew up with; there's no reason to be scared of her.' He repeated over and over inside of his mind.
Eventually he managed to continue to pull himself forward but the moment he caught sight of the dock and Kairi's unmistakable red hair, he froze again. She was looking out over the ocean, in her own little world and from what Sora could see, she seemed to have only gotten more beautiful since he left. She'd let her hair grow out a tiny bit more and although she was still fairly slim, she had gotten a little bit curvier as well.
He stared for a moment before starting to walk towards the dock in a daze, his throat tight and his mouth dry. He still had no idea what he was going to say and his heart was racing, making it harder to think.
He was halfway across the dock when he saw Kairi beginning to get up, seemingly not noticing him still. Just as she started to turn, he noted she had earphones on.
She nearly walked into him. "Oh," Kairi jumped back, surprised, "I'm sorry, I didn't—" She looked up, starting out with an apologetic smile that quickly fell into a look of shock. "S-Sora…" His name barely escaped her lips before her legs began to buckle underneath her. He gently caught her shoulders and guided her down before scooting backwards to give her breathing room. She glanced at him repeatedly but didn't ever hold eye contact, asking quietly, "You're really home?"
He nodded with a small smile, "Yeah."
"Wow, I just—" Kairi started but shook her head and quickly stood up, "I'm sorry, I-I have to go." She rushed past Sora, hiding her face.
Sora stood up as quickly as he could, reaching out to catch her shoulder and pleading desperately, "Kairi, wait. Please..."
She shrugged him off, repeating tearfully, "I'm sorry." With that, she hurried off down the path towards the town.
Sora stared at the place she just was a moment ago, trying to let everything soak in. "Damn it…" He cursed himself and hung his head.
He wasn't even sure how he got home, all of a sudden he was just there and he was grateful to have his bed to collapse on. He wanted to bury himself underneath the blankets again before he remembered Riku told him to call.
Hesitantly, he grabbed the phone off of the corner of his desk and dialed Riku's number.
"Hello?" His friend answered.
"She ran." Sora said quietly.
Riku paused, "What?"
"She ran." Sora repeated, his heart dropping even farther into his chest, "I used to always be wrong whenever I assumed stuff about Kairi so I wanted to believe you, but this time I was right. She didn't want to see me."
"Just slow down and explain what exactly happened." Riku spoke in a slow and calm tone.
Sora let out a frustrated sigh, "There's nothing to explain, Riku. I went down to the dock. She was staring out at the ocean and listening to music. She got up, almost bumped into me and started apologizing before she realized it was me. She almost passed out and then she ran."
"She probably just didn't know how to react. It's been so long since she's seen you… She's probably just as scared as you are." He tried to console him before asking, "I mean… how long did it take you to get the guts to go down there in the first place?"
"All afternoon." The younger boy answered truthfully.
"See? You had all afternoon to prepare yourself to talk to her. Maybe she just needs time too."
Sora fell backwards onto his bed, mentally and emotionally exhausted, "Maybe…"
Riku paused for a moment before suggesting, "Just wait a few days and then try to talk to her again. I'm sure she'll come around."
"Alright." He answered, still feeling a little unsure. Taking a brief pause, he added, "And Riku… thank you."
The older boy gave a small laugh, "No problem, Sora."
"See you sometime tomorrow?" Sora questioned.
"Sure. See you then." Riku answered before hanging up.
Putting the phone back on the charger, he heard a knock at his door, "Sora?"
"Yeah, Mom?" He called back and she let herself into the room.
She motioned towards the phone, "Getting reacquainted with everyone?"
Sora shook his head, "Just Riku. And well… I tried with Kairi."
"I'm sorry, sweetie." She bent down to hug him, "I'm sure everything will turn around soon."
He gave a small smile, "Thanks."
She let go and took a step back, suggesting, "I've got to start cooking dinner soon. Do you want me to bring it up here?"
Sora shook his head and waved her off, "No, no. It's okay. I'll be downstairs in a few minutes, I spent enough time today up here by myself." She smiled, lightly rubbing his shoulder before heading back downstairs.
The night went by a lot quicker with his mom and the TV distract him, but once she had gone to bed he found himself tossing and turning again. Occasionally he would fall asleep in short bursts, but that little amount of sleep made him feel worse when he would wake up again.
The next morning when his doorbell went off, he wasn't sure if he was dreaming or awake until he heard it again. Half asleep and blinking repeatedly to keep his eyes open, Sora dragged himself down the stairs and to his front door. Swinging it open, he greeted tiredly, "Hey, Riku."
Instead he saw Kairi, nervously holding her hands together in front of her. "Can I come in?" She gave a little smile.
Sora stared at her, his mouth hanging open. Shaking himself out of it, he moved out of the doorway to let her step in, "S-sure…"
"Thanks." She stepped in past him to take a seat on his couch.
'Am I dreaming right now?' Sora asked himself as he shut his front door. When he turned around again he saw Kairi staring at her lap, twiddling with the hem of her pale blue dress. When he sat down at the other end of the couch, she finally looked up.
"I'm really sorry about yesterday." She began, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear as she spoke, "I just shut down… I couldn't believe you were actually there."
Sora shook his head, "It's okay. Don't worry about it. Listen…" He glanced around the room nervously before locking his eyes on hers, "Kairi, I'm really sorry that I didn't come home with you and Riku after we defeated Xehanort. King Mickey and Yen Sid asked me and I knew no one else would really want to do it. You'd all been through enough already. But still, I wanted to go back with you two so badly. And I spent so much of the first year wondering if I had really made the right decision. I know I did, but I still know I hurt everyone… I hurt you."
Kairi looked down, "You did, but… you did it for the right reasons. I was completely miserable when Riku and I first got home. But, as time passed, I realized how selfish it was of me to want you back just for my own reasons when you were out there helping a ton of people on other worlds." She let out a small laugh at herself.
"It's normal to wanna be selfish sometimes… I know I definitely wanted to, too." Sora moved a little bit closer to her, "Anyway, how've you been lately? Riku told me you've been going to the University."
She looked up, a little surprised but smiling, "Yeah. I'm majoring in art, thanks to Naminé. I hadn't really drawn anything in a long time before I met her so I had almost completely forgotten it was something I enjoyed doing. And of course, I didn't really have much time to dedicate it when we were out on other worlds so I only truly rediscovered it once I came back to stay. All of the classes are really fun and I love my professors too."
"Good, good." He nodded, smiling.
Tilting her head, she asked curiously, "Do you think you'll start taking classes soon?"
Sora scratched the back of his neck, "I'm still not exactly sure how exactly all of the high school stuff works out… I'm probably just going to have to get a job soon. Plus I'll still have to go off to other worlds here and there, but nothing like I've been doing; it'll be really sparse."
"Oh." Kairi answered quietly, unsure of how to respond.
He racked his brain for something to say, eventually deciding on, "Um. What time do you have class? I don't want to make you late or anything."
She looked past him to glance at the clock, "Yeah, I do have class in thirty minutes so I probably need to start walking." She stood up and turned towards the door.
"Alright." He got up and opened the door for her, "I'll see you later."
"Sora." She looked up at him, a few tears threatening to fall from her eyes as she collapsed against his chest and wrapped her arms around him, "I'm really glad you're home."
He was a bit shocked by the hug, not expecting it at all after how awkward their conversation had been. Closing his eyes and hugging her as tightly as he could, he answered, "Me too."
