This chapter should be a little bit more like what you're used to reading. I apologize again for how short last chapter was, but I just seemed to get more and more bad news last month. Things are going better now, though I think writing this helped me cope with the bad stuff in a way.
There was originally only two chapters planned after this but I think I've gotta add another one in lol. So I'm getting close to the end, but we've still got a little bit.
I Can Barely Say
Chapter Seventeen: Coming Clean
"I'm so sore…" Kairi's voice was muffled by her pillow, her body sprawled out across her bed.
Sora sat beside her, letting out a small laugh, "You and Riku became such big babies. Consider sparring for fun every once in a while so you won't be so out of practice when we have to fight for real." After they both practically pushed Riku home, Sora was tasked with making sure Kairi made it home without collapsing. After making it that far, he decided he'd just stay at her apartment for a while. He wouldn't admit it to them, but he was a bit tired too. But he just used the excuse of wanting some alone time with her; which of course wasn't totally a lie.
"Ughhh…" She groaned, flopping over onto her side, "I already have too many things to do without having to worry about that."
Sora squinted, "Like what? You're on winter break now, so all you've got is work which is only part time."
"Well I meant for when I was in school. But I've also got to start Christmas shopping, you know. You should too." She nudged him with her foot.
He shrugged and let out a breath of air, "Yeah I guess." His lips curling upward into a smile, he continued excitedly, "Aside from the shopping, I'm really excited to be back at home for Christmas. All the decorations in town and Riku's parents' party… I missed that stuff so much. I mean, the Halloween party was fun too, but, nothing beats when it's just us three and our families." He paused before correcting, "Well, I guess other people's parents are there too, but all we have to do is say hi to them and we're set for the night."
Kairi giggled, "It's been kind of boring with just me and Riku, so hopefully you'll liven up the party a little bit."
"Of course I will." He looked down at her, "But, can't be too mischievous. Don't want to get on Santa's bad list." She let out another laugh as he continued, "Speaking of… Riku owes me SO many Christmas presents for telling me Santa wasn't real! I missed out on seven years because of him."
"Still mad about that?" She sat up, repeating, "Ow" a few times as she did so.
"Yeah!" He crossed his arms, "Aren't you?"
She shrugged, "I mean, I kept believing for a few years after you stopped… so it didn't really affect me as much."
He squinted, "Wait, really?"
"Yeah, you never noticed that I never really gave you a straight answer whenever you asked about it?" She titled her head and looked him curiously.
"No, not at all." Sora shook his head, "Geez. Guess I didn't listen to you very well…"
Kairi shrugged again, a small smile on her lips, "You did and you didn't. It depended on the subject."
"Hm." He slouched and let out a little sigh.
Letting a moment of silence pass by, Kairi spoke quietly, "Speaking of listening… I think I need to go ahead and tell you about what happened when you were gone; what I've been avoiding."
"Really? Right now?" He blinked, confused, "We just got back. Are you sure you don't want to wait?"
"I keep pushing it off." She took a breath, "And I need to just tell you before I make it worse."
Sora furrowed his brow, "Make it worse? What do you mean? I thought you said it wasn't even that serious."
"Well—it is important, even if it's not serious. And it's not fair to you to keep it a secret." Kairi's confidence seemed to dissipate with every single word she spoke.
"O—okay…" Sora answered, suddenly feeling so unsure. She was downplaying whatever it is, because otherwise she wouldn't be this nervous to tell him. The last time he'd seen her like this was shortly after he came home; when he thought she'd told him everything there was to tell.
She was only a couple of inches away, but the gap between them felt immense as she leaned her back against the wall and started talking, "I'm just basically going to go more into detail about what happened. You already know about the whole serial dating thing. But I didn't tell you about the one boyfriend that was particularly emotionally abusive and manipulative. Not that I can really say much, considering I dated them to try and stop missing you. He was the one who called me 'Kai'. And he pretty much only ever called me Kai—never Kairi. So that's why the name sort of made my skin crawl when you first used it. Even though it was you and I know you're nothing like him, it just brought back so many bad memories."
His concern for her was stronger than the anger starting to build up in his chest, but he couldn't stop himself from asking, "Who was it?"
"Sora, I dealt with him, okay?" She pleaded with him to drop it, "Riku wanted to do something too and I wouldn't let him. So I won't let you either."
"But Kairi—" He raised his voice, but she interrupted him.
"Please." She touched his arm, "As much as I hate to say it, that's not all I need to tell you. Just let me keep going, okay?" His eyes studied her and he gave a solemn nod, his jaw tight. "Thank you." She sighed, lowering her head again as she continued, "Because this part is going to be even harder to tell you."
Sora was almost in a daze at this point. What else could she possibly tell him? How could it get worse? His mind was racing and he already felt sick to his stomach, but his eyes were glued to her.
Her voice waivered as she started talking again, "After how I acted at the Halloween party and watching me date all of these guys who were absolutely terrible to me, Riku pulled me aside because he was really worried about me. And I fought back and forth with him for a while, telling him I was fine and that I didn't need someone to watch over me." Her eyes were starting to tear up, but she smiled to herself as she admitted, "I was stubborn and stupid and it took me two months of dating that asshole to realize it. When I finally did, I basically crawled back to Riku, crying like a baby. I was a complete mess and… a-and," The tears finally started to drip down her cheeks as she blinked, "We kissed."
If it was possible for his heart to shatter, he was pretty sure this is what it felt like. There was a sharp pain in his chest and he suddenly felt so, so empty.
"We only kissed that one time, and we didn't really date, but we were just sort of there for each other for a while in a way that no one else could be. It wasn't like when everyone on the island forgot about you—it was just like no one cared. Like they moved on. But we couldn't—I couldn't." Kairi further explained, seemingly hoping that what she was saying would somehow make it okay.
But it didn't.
She gripped his arm a little tighter, her voice desperate as her crying intensified, "Sora—I'm sorry."
He was cold and unmoving, his voice barely above a whisper as he asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because Riku was there for you when you came home. He put you before everything else and made sure you were okay." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, "I was too confused, hurt, and guilty to be there for you like that. I couldn't take that away from you. I wanted to tell you—I've always wanted to tell you. And Riku has too, but we both decided I should be the one to do say it. But I couldn't figure out how, because no matter what it was going to end up like this…"
"But this long, Kairi?" His head finally snapped upwards, "I've been home for months. I've been okay for months. I know I was in bad shape, but you should have told me sooner." He raised his hands to his face and pressed his fingers against his forehead, "Waiting so long—waiting until I was so comfortable at home again…and with you. And with Riku." He slipped off of her bed and stood up, "I feel like I need to start all over again now."
She continued to cry, her shoulders shaking as she repeated, "I'm sorry…"
"I just need to be alone for a while, okay?" Sora moved towards the door, not waiting for a reply.
Just as he swung the door open, he heard her voice squeak, "Okay." He closed the door quietly and tried to sneak out, but Selphie was sitting in the living room and caught sight of him after a few seconds.
"Sora," She called out softly. He lifted his head curiously, watching her as she asked, "Are you feeling okay? You look really pale."
He saw her earbuds draped around her neck as usual, the faint sound of music coming out of them still as she talked.
She hadn't heard. Good.
"I'm just… tired. So I'm heading home." Sora lied, immediately starting to walk again so that he could hide his face. Even if he was almost bad at lying, Selphie could catch him in a lie better than anyone else; even when they were kids, though Kairi was a close second.
Even if her voice was doubtful, she didn't press the subject, answering awkwardly, "Well, see you later."
"Bye." He slipped his shoes back on and headed out the door, but had no idea where he was going to go.
The play island, the dock, places in town, the gummi ship, his own room; all of the places he felt most comfortable had too many memories of them. Everywhere did, really. Even when they were apart, he thought of them constantly, but now all he wanted to do was to not think about them. Because the more he did, the more he felt sick to his stomach.
He eventually wandered to a sharp hill with an overlook of the ocean below, surrounded by nothing but grass and a few trees. He'd been here before, but there weren't any strong memories tied to this place like the others. At least it wasn't overwhelming and he finally felt like he could breathe a little.
He sat down in the shade of a tree, leaning his back against it as he looked out into the ocean. The sharp curve of the hill hid the beach below from this distance, but the ocean glittered in the midday sun beneath a clear sky. But the air was cold and sitting in the shade probably only made it worse, though Sora's strong dislike for winter was probably the last thing on his mind right now.
'I guess I shouldn't be that surprised.' He folded his arms against his chest in an attempt to keep himself warmer, 'Everyone always told me that he was a better match for her and I always knew how much he cared about her too. Of course something happened between them when I wasn't around to get in the way.'
He knew Kairi truly did love him and that whatever had happened with Riku was probably no more important to her than what had happened with the other guys, but he still couldn't shake the pain and his rising self-doubt. And worst of all, he couldn't stop analyzing all of the times when they'd all been together. The awkward silences, Kairi's weird behavior that one afternoon while they were all studying together, the Halloween party that Riku had teased her about; those moments were few and far between, but he'd picked up on them and wanted to think nothing of them until now. It all made sense and yet he was still incredibly confused, his mind spinning with questions.
"Sora," He felt a sharp drop in his chest as he heard Riku's tired voice, almost out of breath, "There you are." The brunette avoided eye contact, standing up and gripping on to the tree as he considered running. But the moment he took a step forward, his friend called him out on it, "Wait. Please talk to me."
"…I wouldn't really know what to say." Sora answered honestly, still avoiding Riku's eyes.
"Fine, then listen. Just don't go anywhere." He took a step back, giving Sora more room.
The younger boy heaved a sigh and answered quietly, "I'm listening."
"I'm sorry. I know I can probably say that a thousand times and it won't matter, but I just want you to know that from the start. It shouldn't have happened. But I felt like I had lost you and it felt like I was losing her too. I was desperate, scared, and lonely. I know I said that I was over my feelings for Kairi years ago, but I was wrong." Riku swallowed hard and bit his lip, stammering as he continued, "I-It was careless and I immediately regretted it."
Sora mumbled in response, his expression unchanging, "Well, it's done now, so…"
Riku was the one to sigh this time, "I know and I hate it. But we both knew it was wrong and that's why nothing ever became of it. She loves you; we both know that."
His eyes flickered upward, a mix of curiosity and a little bit of anger, "So is that why you haven't really been on any dates? Because you still have feelings for her?"
Riku squinted and shook his head fervently, "No, that has nothing to do with Kairi. That's just me."
"Hm." Sora hummed in response, not sure of the validity of his answer.
"Sora, I meant every word I said to you when you came over to my house to invite me on that trip. I want nothing for the best for you two. And I'm sorry I put that in jeopardy even in the slightest, but if you want to be mad at someone, then be mad at me. Even if she went along with it, it was my fault."
It was tempting to lay all the blame on Riku. They'd butted heads their whole life and it was easy to be mad at him, unlike Kairi. But unfortunately, he knew that it wouldn't work.
"There's a lot of things I'm feeling right now and mad is only one of them." He answered honestly, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
"I—I know. I betrayed your trust." Riku stared off towards the ground.
"You should have told me from the beginning. When I first got home and you told me she'd dated other guys—you should have just told me right then." Sora raised his voice, his frustration growing, "I know you were waiting on Kairi, but it would have been so much easier to handle when I thought she hated me. It still would have hurt, but not this much."
His voice grew quieter as he tried to explain, "I didn't want come between you two and she was too scared to tell you." He looked up, his face growing stern and serious as he continued, "Remember how scared you were to talk to her when you first got home because of how you felt about hurting her? It was the same for her—it just took her longer to explain. And it only got more complicated when you two started reconnecting and she realized she couldn't bear to lose you ever again. She was afraid this would destroy you… and well, she wasn't wrong to be scared."
"She's not going to lose me." The brunette mumbled in response.
"She doesn't know that right now." Riku pointed out, "All she knows is that you said you needed to be alone and you walked off."
Sora gave a small laugh of disbelief, "Well, you know, it's kind of hard to comfort someone after they tell you something that makes you feel like your heart just shattered into a thousand pieces."
He inhaled sharply, "That's understandable. And she understands that too… Basically what I'm saying is, just reach out to her. Let her know you're still there even though you need time."
Though it wasn't bad advice, Sora couldn't help but wonder out loud, "Am I really that awful with Kairi that you need to always tell me what to do?" Most of the time he willingly asked for advice with Kairi, but it was irritating that Riku always seemed to have the answer; like he knew her better than he did.
"That's not it at all. I want you two to make up because you're both my best friends and I want you to be happy. You're both hurt and so I just suggested what I think is the best way to help both of you." He took a breath, "Maybe being alone for a while is helpful, yeah, but I'm sure you'll want to be with Kairi again soon. I'm just saying don't let your emotions get the better of you and to not shut her out. You can do that to me if you want; I don't care, because I know this will be like every other argument we've ever had except this time I know you have the right to be mad at me. So I don't care if you want to avoid me or whatever."
He shook his head, "I'm not gonna avoid you, either. I'm not that cowardly." Sora started to walk, past Riku and on to the path leading back towards the residential area of the island, "I just don't really want to talk anymore today."
"Can you at least just call Kairi to tell her you made it home?" Riku called out loudly to his friend's back, exasperated.
Sora didn't answer, but he had the intention of walking back to her apartment eventually anyway. Though he didn't want to admit it, he knew that Riku was right. He didn't want Kairi to feel as if there was any doubt in his mind about her because that was the farthest thing from the truth. He was hurt and he probably would be for a while, but he loved her and nothing was going to stop that.
He dropped by his house to let his mom know he was home and to get a little more of alone time before going to see her. Everything was quiet when he got back there; the living room was empty, there were no sounds and everything was starting to get dark as the sun was setting.
He blinked his eyes and wondered, 'Is she even home?'
Selphie's bedroom was empty, so it was possible she and Kairi could have went somewhere or Selphie could have just left for a shift at work. Kairi's door was shut, so there was only one way to find out.
When he leaned against the door, he heard the faint sound of sniffling and started to twist the door knob. As soon as she saw him start to open the door, she popped out of the blankets and onto the floor, "Sora!" He hugged her back as she clung onto him, she repeating whispers of, "I'm sorry" and "I love you".
Though he would answer "I love you too", he wouldn't say much else if she ventured farther than those words. So they stayed there for a while, just embracing each other in the darkening room.
