The moonlight shines right through the blind-less window, bathing my bedroom in bright white light. I should close the blinds, because there is no way I could possibly fall asleep with this much light in my bedroom. Then again, there is no way I could possibly sleep anyway with what is on my mind.
Jacques.
Why I thought it'd be a good idea to end my email with Love, Blue is beyond me. Right after I'd hit send, I did everything I could to take the email back. Unfortunately, I couldn't.
I spent the rest of the day worrying. What if Jacques wouldn't say it back? What if I scared him off somehow?
I had been so thrown off by my dad's news of the baby, I hadn't even noticed the love until after sending the email.
A little over an hour ago, I noticed that there was a new email in my inbox from Jacques. Never before have I opened an email so quickly. Another thing I've never done before is read the goodbye first. Yet there it was. Love, Jacques. I wrote the grin that had appeared on my face down to the anaesthesia the dentist had given me earlier that day.
What does this mean?
I can't help but wonder if this means he loves me. Like, more than just a good friendship. More than just a flirtation. It makes me wonder if he'd want more.
It is hard for me to imagine that someone like Jacques would want that with someone like me. Yet then again, Jacques has no clue who Blue is.
The light makes figures on the ceiling, and I stare up at them. The patterns, dancing through my room, had always calmed me down when I was little. Now they just make me think of Jacques.
What if maybe, someday, he and I will be looking at those patterns together.
The thought is so wild, so weird, that I almost laugh at myself. But I don't. Because in that moment, I'd want nothing more than for Jacques to be with me right there and then. Not because I want to touch him, or even kiss him. No, I would give everything I have just to be able to look at his face as he gapes at the figures, looking at him as he tries to find a pattern, listening to his breathing evening out until he falls asleep.
I'm not sure whether that makes me a creep or not, but in that moment, the thought of Jacques falling asleep next to me is the most beautiful thing I can imagine.
With that good thought to hold on to, I close my eyes. Not even the open blinds could disturb this moment.
