Now We're Fucked
"I can't believe what I just heard. Did you happen to catch all of that, Snively?" Robotnik asked, while leaning back in his chair.
"I was unfortunate enough to hear the whole thing, sir," Snively answered.
"I just can't understand why they haven't discussed anything about a plan yet. It's no use being able to listen in on the conversation if they don't talk about that. It's also quite a shame that Sally is the only one we were able to bug."
"Quite so, sir, it seems we miss quite a bit of the conversations. I really do wonder what's going on between Bunnie and Sonic…" Snively pondered.
"This isn't a daytime soap opera, asshole, this is called espionage, and we are trying to covertly steal information. That reminds me, how much battery life do we have left on the transmitter?"
"The one we are getting our audio from?"
"The very same, you dumbass motherfucker. Just what in the fuck did you think I was talking about?"
"Sorry sir, let's just say if they are indeed having a meeting in a few minutes, we'll be cutting it close. Do we have a backup plan, in case of failure, sir?"
"You show me a tropical fruit, and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala," Robotnik stated.
"Sir? That really doesn't make any bit of fucking sense," Snively responded, befuddled.
"I'm quite aware of that Snively. But to answer your question, this was only one of my many backup plans. Lucky for me my Master Fuck Plan has multiple stages. I must say I'm a fucking genius of epic proportions. My only hope now is to get, at the very least, a hint of what they are going to strategize. No more of this buttfucking and other bullshit they keep blathering on about. Oh, and where in the fuck did you find batteries that only last 3 days?"
"I'm not sure, sir, Taiwan perhaps."
"The constant smartass, I thank you for your social commentaries, they have been ever so insightful. Now would you mind fucking yourself, while I try and ruminate with some quiet time?"
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Bunnie made her way over to Sonic's room, and was just about to knock on the door, when it opened before she could.
"Hey Sweetie, what is it I can help you with?" Sonic asked in the doorway. "You know, I don't have pants on right now, and it's about that time again."
"Sally told me to come and tell you that we're going to be holding a meeting soon," Bunnie replied, then turned to leave.
"So, I guess you don't have time for anything else," Sonic smirked.
"You managed to piss Sally off, Hun," Bunnie said, turning back around. "In fact, I'm pretty sure she's pissed at me now…" she trailed off and began crying.
"Hmm…I don't really know what to do in a situation like this," Sonic said, mostly to himself. "Don't cry,' he said walking over and hugging Bunnie. "Shit is going to…uh…turn out right in the end. You can trust me on this. Rotor calls me the resident Nostradumbass, and that asshole could predict the future."
"You can still make me laugh anytime, can't you Sugar?"
"I guess you could say I'm just naturally gifted, but we'd better hit the road, as they say, if we're going to be there on time," Sonic said, picking Bunnie up and rushing over to the conference room. They were the last two to arrive, Sonic being late as usual.
"I thought you two might be a little late," Sally scoffed.
"Yeah well, it was quicker than I expected, consider us early," Sonic said smiling. "So why have we all gathered here?"
"We're here to discuss a plan of attack to finally end Robotnik's reign. I have a plan, but I want to hear your ideas before I unveil it," Sally said. "So, do we have any suggestions?"
"All me ideas are always shit house," Knuckles responded.
"Excuse me?" Sally asked.
"Shit house, mate."
"Okay then, any other suggestions?"
"I am having one of ze questions for Bunnie," Antoine said.
"What would that be, Hun?"
"Is it hurting to be sitting in ze chair?" Antoine asked laughing, with Tails and Rotor joining in.
"What an asshole," Bunnie responded, Sally just shook her head.
"Am I fuckin missing something? I really didn't find that funny at all, what the fuck is up?" Sonic asked, confused.
"It's a long story," Sally replied.
"Well I think I have a few motherfucking minutes, this could be a good joke, I want in."
"AHHAHAHAHAHAHA, he is to be wanting in!" Antoine continued his hysterical laughter with Tails and Rotor.
"I'm havin a feelin this meetin is gonna be ace," Knuckles said, leaning back in his chair.
"I take it I'm the butt of the joke," Sonic said looking around the room.
"BUTT!" Rotor yelled in uproarious laughter.
"Okay, so it has something to do with Bunnie's ass and me…I'm fuckin lost," Sonic mused.
"After you left this morning, Sugar, Sally claimed you did everything but fuck me, you know with your flirting," Bunnie answered, but Sonic just gave her a blank look. "Buttfuck, Hun."
"That's…uh…pretty fucking funny," Sonic said laughing with Knuckles.
"I thought we were done with this," Sally said, getting embarrassed. "I would like to move on to your plan suggestions. Come on guys, what are you, fucking twelve?"
"I'm eleven," Tails stated.
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry about that Tails. Now, do we have any ideas?" Sally asked impatiently.
"This is funnier than getting Tails to drink from your bidet," Sonic said between laughs. "And that was pretty fucking funny."
"You guys, this is very serious. Could you shape up for just a bit, so we can get through this?" Sally asked.
"Yeah sure, Sal, let's get some ideas out here, assholes," Sonic said, stifling a few laughs.
"Well, we were down in his fallout shelter," Rotor said, wiping the tears from his eyes. "Perhaps we can chuck some bombs down those trap vents he has. You know, carpet bomb the shit out of him."
"Why don't you just tell us your idea, Sally?" Sonic asked. "I mean, we're going to be beating our heads against the fuckin desk before anything good comes out. Even then it's a tossup, Tails' brain might disintegrate, which could be an improvement."
"That's it, you guys rip on me like 13 or 14 more times, and I'm outta here," Tails whined.
"Okay, I see how it is," Sally responded. "I'll just tell you my plan right now. I think one of the more influential Freedom Fighters should turn themselves into Robotnik. The captive would then relay a fake plan to him, giving him all the details of an impending attack. The rest of us would then be able to easily counter Robotnik, as he would be basing his plans on our fictitious attack."
"That sounds like an ideal plan on paper, Sugar, but if Robotnik senses the trap, whoever goes is done for," Bunnie said.
"So, by ze more influential Freedom Fighter, you are meaning?" Antoine anxiously asked.
"Sonic would clearly be the best choice…" Sally started to say.
"What the fuck?" Sonic interrupted.
"Wouldn't that seem a little suspicious, Hun?"
"Maybe, but he would be the most believable…" Sally was interrupted again.
"What kind of fuckin bullshit plan is this anyway? I mean it's so easily fuckupable, if Robotnik would only believe for a second you were lying, you're fucked," Sonic stated. "That in turn fucks everyone else, because they would be making moves based on the fact they think Robotnik is bullshitted. That is a lot of fucking going on, and to tell you the truth I really don't wanna be fucked."
"Then I'll go," Sally suggested.
"Are you bullshitting me?" Sonic asked. "It doesn't matter who fuckin goes, it's too goddamn dangerous."
"Me honest opinion, is that this prolly ain't the best fuckin idea," Knuckles put in. "At least it isn't a good first plan, it might work as a backup plan if we couldn't come up with anythin else."
"I don't know," Rotor began, "I think if it's done right we would have a pretty good shot. It's not as if being a Freedom Fighter is a danger free position. At some point, you have to put all your chips in and see what you really have."
"Well put Rotor. Okay, so Sonic and Knuckles say no, but Rotor and I say yes. Three more votes left. What say you?" Sally inquired.
"If I am not to be going, zen I am being for it," Antoine answered. "It is to being ze one for all, all for one."
"Shut the fuck up," Sonic goaded. "Would you like a crowbar to pull your head out of your ass, or just a flashlight to see?"
"What in ze fuck…?"
"Do we have to get into this right now?" Sally asked.
"Just give him the crowbar," Rotor suggested.
"If we're lucky he just might bludgeon himself with it, instead of tickling his balls or whatever the fuck," Sonic put in.
"Zat is to be ze untrue statement, and you are ze fuel to zink otherwise…"
"Fuel?" Sonic retorted
"Not fuel, fuelyou asshole," Antoine argued.
"Fuel your asshole?"
"What ze fuck? I am to be hating you to ze death."
"Sonic, just shut your goddamn mouth. The vote is 3 to 2, Bunnie?"
"I don't know, Sugar, it's awfully dangerous. I just don't think I could send one of y'all into that situation, sorry."
"3 to 3, Tails it's all up to you, what do you think?"
"That's not fucked up or anything, let an eleven year old kid decide our fate, fuckin brilliant."
"Shut the fuck up Sonic! Go ahead Tails, the floor is yours," Sally said motioning to him.
"I think it's a good plan," Tails said, "But I'll only vote yes on one condition."
"Oh please, fuckin enlighten us," Sonic snidely replied.
"I don't want Auntie Sally to go," Tails said.
"You might as well just asked for me to go, you fucking prick," Sonic growled. "Now I'm the one who'll end up with shrapnel in my ass. To use Knuckles phrase, this plan is shit house."
"Then that much is settled, we are going ahead with the plan. Now we just need someone to go," Sally said.
"Well I think I know the obvious choice, so I'll spare myself the pain of being voted to go. I, Sonic the fucking Hedghog, will go on this most noble of missions. All I have to say about this is: I'm jolly well fucked."
"Thank you, Sonic," Sally said, relieved. "We'll go over the fake plan, a little later, I need a break right now. Meeting is adjourned."
"It is?"
"Damn it Antoine, not this shit again."
