Helmets Are For Pussies
"This is the most wonderful news," Robotnik said smiling.
"Quite so, sir, the transmission did cut out a little, but we know what to expect."
"That we do, Snively. Sonic will come here in a couple of days and surrender to me. We'll act like we believe him, then completely and utterly fuck him over. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can then take a vacation on a beach somewhere."
"I don't really like sand, sir, it gets in all the cracks…"
"What the fuck?"
"Just a little verbal confusion, sir. What shall we do now?" Snively asked.
"Verbal confusion? Whatever, all we can do now is wait, Snively. So I intend to sit around and play Nintendo."
"That's quite ironic, sir."
"At its finest I hope."
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Sonic was sitting on his bed, mind spinning from all the information he had been briefed on regarding the fake plan. He was about to lay down, when he heard a knocking at the door. He opened it, surprised to see Knuckles.
"Mind if I come in, mate?"
"No problem," Sonic said leading Knuckles inside. "So what's up?"
"I just wanted to see how you were doin. You're leavin early tomorrow mornin, and that plan ain't exactly Mickey Mouse, mate."
"What the fuck, Mickey Mouse?"
"Ace, mate," Knuckles explained, but Sonic gave him a blank stare. "It means good, what the hell kind of language do you speak here?"
"Apparently not that. As for me, I'm doing quite well. I've decided that if I get to die while not having to listen to Tails' retardation, Antoine's French, or Sally's bitching, I'm good with it."
"That's good, mate. If I never see you again, it was nice knowin ya. I'm gonna go sink some piss and have a mystery bag," Knuckles said, then gave Sonic a hug. "Always remember, no worries, just right." Knuckles left and closed the door behind him. A few moments later another knock came at the door.
"What?" Sonic barked as he opened the door. Antoine, Rotor, and Tails were all standing outside.
"We zought zat since you are to be gone tomorrow, we would be saying it was ze nice ting to know you," Antoine said.
"Uh, thanks."
"I brought you a jar of mayonnaise, for luck," Rotor said, holding it out.
"Swell, I'm sure it will come in handy," Sonic said taking the jar. "Well Tails, say your bit and get the fuck out." Tails just looked up, then rushed over and hugged him. "Hey…what the fuck? Get off of me you perve."
"Bye Sonic," Tails said, then all three of them turned and left.
"What in fucks name is wrong with these guys," Sonic asked himself, as he went back into his room. As soon as he sat down, another tap on the door. "Never a moment's peace. Why don't you go fu…oh hey Bunnie," he said, opening the door.
"Hey Sugar, you have a minute?"
"Shit, if you let me check I just might have two. Come on in," Sonic invited, leading Bunnie inside.
"I figured I'd stop by and see you, Hun. I know I'll see you tomorrow, but it's less personal with everyone there."
"Well that was thoughtful of you…" Sonic was interrupted by yet another knock at the door. "Excuse me for a second," Sonic said getting up. "I think I know who that is, man, I'm fuckin golden right now. Hey Sal…Tails what kind of cruel fucking tomfoolery is this?"
"I forgot to give you this," Tails said, handing Sonic a drawing.
"This is fuckin…" Sonic noticed Sally coming toward him, "…great, I couldn't have imagined a better gift. Now if you wouldn't mind leaving, I'm a very busy guy." Tails walked off, and Sally took his place.
"I heard what you said."
"Oh yeah, did I pass?" Sonic asked.
"It doesn't kill you to be nice to him, does it?"
"I don't know, I'm pretty sure I almost spontaneously combusted. So, what do you need?"
"I just wanted to wish you luck," Sally said, giving Sonic a hug.
"What's with the fuckin hugs already? I feel like a goddamn Care Bear. Well it seems you're the only one who came here and didn't tell me I was going to die, that's pretty fuckin encouraging."
"I know the plan sounds dangerous, but I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't think you could do it," Sally explained.
"Do it, I was kind of hoping to get a little goodnight laid."
"You just keep on hoping…"
"I usually do so well with that fuckin line. Anyway, I have one more person to talk to, so I'll see you in the morning," Sonic said, then went back into his bedroom. "Sorry about that Bunnie, motherfuckers just want to keep talking to me. It feels like my goddamn eulogy, and I'm not even supposed to fuckin hear that."
"It is a really dangerous mission, Sugar…"
"Yeah, then I'll fuckin die, it really isn't that big of deal. I mean, Knuckles is almost as funny as I am, he has that unusual accent and slang, it's quite hilarious."
"Don't talk like that, Sugar, I know Tails and Sally would be devastated if you didn't come back. I also know Knuckles wants to see you again too, you guys are best friends."
"Holy shit! Three out of six, I'm batting a thousand, and Tails is questionable as it is," Sonic replied.
"Well, Hun, if it means anything I would be distraught if you died. And I'm pretty sure Rotor and Antoine don't want you dead."
"Thanks, but I've got some fuck day ahead of me tomorrow, so I think I'll be going to sleep now."
"Okay Sugar, you be careful, I want to see you again," Bunnie said giving Sonic a hug.
"I changed my mind, I don't think Care Bears are hugged this fuckin much."
