Tip The Scales

Later in the afternoon, the Freedom Fighters were gathered outside discussing the current state of affairs.

"This place is built like a brick shit house," Knuckles observed.

"Knuckles, what's shit house?" Tails asked.

"A shit house is the shitter, mate. If it's built like a brick shit house, it's strong. Otherwise it can mean poor quality," Knuckles responded.

"Wow, so I don't really like golf, which makes it shit house, right?" Tails inquired.

"Yeah, you're gettin the hang of it."

"Thanks Knuckles, that's all Tails needs is to learn more swear words. You are almost as bad as Sonic when it comes to that," Sally scolded.

"No worries, mate. Speakin of that bloke, how big's that pot now?"

"Tails put five bucks in and Bunnie went in with fifteen. So a total of fifty bucks," Rotor replied.

"You put money in that pot, Bunnie?" Sally asked.

"It can't hurt, Sugar, if he comes back I'll have a little extra cabbage."

"And Knuckles, you've reduced Tails to a degenerate gambler?" Sally continued to question.

"It's only five bucks, mate, he just wants to be one of the guys."

"Unbefuckinglievable, you guys cease to amaze me," Sally said.

"Not to be changing ze subject," Antoine put in, "But with ze 'edgehog out of zis picture I have ze shot with you, no?"

"I can't believe the balls on this guy," Sally responded stunned.

"Oh yes, zey are big, no?"

"That's not what I meant, smartass. And what makes you think you didn't have a shot with me, when Sonic was here?"

"Rotor said you were ze fuck buddies," Antoine answered.

"Rotor, you told Antoine that Sonic was fucking me?"

"Well, I mean, yeah pretty much. Sonic talked to me one morning and I just put two and two together," Rotor replied.

"And got four?" Tails asked.

"No, asshole, everything was just pretty much implied. Plus, how far off was I? The way you argue and flirt with him, you two might as well be married," Rotor said.

"I don't flirt with Sonic," Sally replied defensively.

"Oh no, mate? Maybe not in the same way Sonic does, but it's disguised just the same. It's all subtext really."

"Subtext?" Sally questioned.

"Yeah mate, it's all still implied, but in a more subtle context. Bunnie knows how blatant Sonic can be," Knuckles answered.

"Now why did y'all have to put me in the middle of this?" Bunnie inquired.

"Knuckles told me Sonic was getting some action with you," Rotor replied.

"Getting some action, huh?" Bunnie asked.

"Well I don't think I put it quite like that, mate."

"You're right, you probably said fuck, or something similar," Rotor responded. "I guess Sonic's going after Bunnie because Sally's loose now…"

"What the fuck did you just say!?" Sally roared.

"You're worn out. You know rubber bands only stretch so far, for so long, and he's been Van Dyking that for some time," Rotor explained. Knuckles was brought to his knees from a laughing fit.

"Van Dyking? What exactly is that, Hun?" Bunnie asked.

"Mary Poppins," Rotor stated. He received blank looks, with the exception of the laughing Knuckles. "Dick Van Dyke was a chimney sweeper, damn you guys are slow. He fucking gets it," Rotor said pointing to Knuckles.

"Why would Auntie Sally be loose?" Tails asked.

"Sally has been sticking too many things in there so it hangs like the sleeve of a wizard," Rotor answered, inciting more laughter from Knuckles.

"I'm going to fucking KILL you! No trial, no jury, straight to execution!" Sally screamed.

"Calm down, Sugar. It's just a joke, an adult joke, for us adults," Bunnie told Sally. "I know how it feels, they were just reaming my ass." Antoine burst into hysterical laughter, joining Knuckles.

"Reaming ze ass!" Antoine laughed.

"Yeah, laugh it up asshole," Bunnie replied. "Y'all won't be laughing so hard when you realize I put glue on the ass of your chair." Antoine tried to get up, but the chair stuck to his ass.

"Oh zis is ze bullshit, I am not to be liking zis. Huh huh, not being so funny, can you be taking zis off, please?" Antoine asked. Knuckles and Rotor tried to get up out of their chairs, with the same results.

"This ain't that great, mate," Knuckles mused.

"Who's laughing now?" Sally asked as she giggled with Bunnie.

"Zis has been not so much of ze fun, can someone be answering ze question now?" Antoine inquired.

"What question?" Rotor asked.

"If I am having ze shot with Sally."

"No, sorry Antoine, I'm happy with the way things are. Plus you really aren't my type at all," Sally replied.

"Ooooh, fuckin crash and burn, mate," Knuckles laughed.

"Zen what is being your type?" Antoine questioned.

"Blue hedgehogs," Rotor answered, chuckling.

"You mean Sonic?" Tails asked.

"Ah bloke, you are funny sometimes."

"Am I having ze shot with ze Bunnie?"

"Sorry Hun, you're not really my type either," Bunnie answered.

"What is zis type you are to be not liking?"

"Cowardly losers with silly French accents, mate."

"That was a bit strong wasn't it, Sugar?"

"A bit," Knuckles admitted.

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In Robotropolis, Sonic was discussing his phony plan with Robotnik.

"So that's it, huh? That's the ultimate plan the Freedom Fighters came up with?" Robotnik questioned.

"That's the whole fuckin plan," Sonic responded. "What do you make of it?"

"It seems to be the usual fare I've come to expect from them. You'd think at some point they would find the time to be original. What the fuck is wrong with these assholes?

"I don't think there is enough deodorant for this conversation," Sonic remarked. "Consider the fact that Sally, Bunnie, and Rotor are the brains of the operation. Rotor is only good with technology and Bunnie keeps mostly to herself. Then account for the fact that all the dumb fucking ideas that Tails and Antoine throw out there, are actually seriously considered. So, when you hear a stupid as fuck idea, such as the aforementioned plan, that gives you a little fucking perspective."

"It certainly does, I never realized what a clusterfuck the Freedom Fighters really are. Where did you fit into all of that?" Robotnik asked.

"I'm the one who made fun of everything, while rarely saying anything worth fucking remembering. Sometimes I had an idea or two, when I wasn't hitting on Sally or Bunnie or fuckin ripping on Antoine and Tails."

"Sounds like a real hoot to me."

"Yeah, I'm doing a fuckin jig over here," Sonic responded.

"I see where they all get the smartass demeanor from."

"I really should come prepackaged with a warning: smartass comments are likely to follow. Did you like that?"

"Funny, very amusing, but while we are being honest I have something of a confession to make," Robotnik said.

"Fuck."

"Exactly, it seems I knew what you were planning all along. You see, while Sally was in my custody I had Snively plant a bug on her. So the whole, you turning yourself in and relaying a counterfeit plan to me, is null and void. I know your plan is bullshit, and now you're fucked. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I figured that as soon as you mentioned that Bunnie was my new girlfriend. There's nothing much I can do at this point, I guess I'm fucked either way. So what now?" Sonic inquired.

"I'll tell you what now, I'm going to position your cage over that vat of nuclear waste," Robotnik explained. "Since your friends missed out, you'll be enjoying a glorious trip down there all by yourself. Everything will be grand, except the complete meltdown and vaporization of your entire body. When your friends arrive they should be just in time to see you plummeting to your death. Then a few bombs should take care of them, not that it would matter much to you at that point. That frees me of your endless fucking stupidity, and I can finally rule Mobius in peace."

"That sounds like a pretty good deal, but I have a better one. How about I give you the finger," Sonic said flipping Robotnik off, "And you go fuck yourself?"

"Hey fucknuts, there is no fucking deal, you got that?! And there will be no one to stop us this time, you see, I welded the lock shut. You, my friend, are most definitely going to die. No witty wiseass comment?"

"I was 90 percent sure that I would be getting royally fucked over, doing this mission. You don't scare me asshole, do your worst," Sonic replied. "Come to think of it though, I was contemplating getting a keychain attached to my balls, that way I'd always know where my keys and my balls are."

"Defiant until the end, I guess there is something to be said for that."

"I'm gonna tell you something though, you better make sure you kill me, I shit you not. If I end up living, lock and load motherfucker."

"Oh yes, of course. You'll understand if I'm not pissing myself in fear. I have a great deal on my mind, so if you'll excuse me," Robotnik said, getting out of his chair.

"Well what the fuck do you want me to say, no? It's not like I'm fuckin going anywhere. I guess I'll just hang out here, until you come the fuck back."

"Son of a bitch."