Second chapter of Problems in Hueco Mundo now up! The idea being that the Fourth Division is a very necessary part of any army.

I don't own Bleach, and a lot of facts about ice-cream came from Wikipedia, so I don't own those either.

Anyway, go ahead and enjoy the chapter!

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Chapter two: We've got the Disease

The main meeting room was dark, as was fitting of the main meeting room of the main antagonist's palace. There were no chairs except for the throne Aizen Sousuke sat on. Sitting down was a privilege in Aizen Sousuke's palace, a privilege only he would have. It reinforced his image as the most powerful ruler of Hueco Mundo. (Also, it saved on the money spent on unnecessary things like furniture). Not even Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname were granted seats. Instead, they had to sit on whatever protruding bits of cement they could find. The only concession granted was that they were allowed to sit near to Aizen Sousuke (which wasn't much of a concession at all, given the lack of toilets in Hueco Mundo).

"… nonetheless, while we have little to fear from Seireitei, we must all be alert and on guard. It is true that the top ranks of the arrancar are significantly more powerful than any taichou, but that does not mean that we can relax. We must be firm on our feet and train daily to ensure that this gap in power is maintained."

Ichimaru Gin wobbled unsteadily on his protruding piece of cement.

"Do not fear, for soon we will be rulers of the entire world. The empty space in the heavens will be filled by me, Aizen Sousuke, and my most worthy followers."

Ichimaru Gin wobbled again. This time, Tousen Kaname joined him, albeit, a little more subtly.

"Come, my Arrancar! Hear me speak! Heed my words!"

Both men wobbled. Ichimaru Gin groaned softly.

"Soon we will be gods! Deities! We will rule the… skies…" the powerful voice trailed off slightly at the odd sounds coming from its owner's right. "The land and the seas. With Hogyoku, none can stand in our way."

Tousen Kaname's hand shot out to steady himself before he actually toppled over his protruding piece of cement. He gasped loudly before managing to retain his position. Next to him, Ichimaru Gin slumped suddenly with a soft whimper.

"And as long as we have the human girl, Inoue Orihime's powers at our disposal, we need not worry about losing Hogyoku." The owner of the powerful voice was now focused to the two men sitting to his right. "And you are all dismissed," he finished hurriedly when one of the figures suddenly started a slow topple off the protruding piece of cement.

As soon as the last of the arrancar had left the room, the owner of the powerful voice i.e. Aizen Sousuke sat up in his throne and glared to his right. "What was that all about?" he demanded coldly.

"My sincerest apologies, Aizen-sama," Tousen Kaname said, offering a floppy little bow that was more of a collective collapsing of all major muscle groups than a bow.

"Sorry, yo," Ichimaru Gin mumbled from somewhere at the base of Aizen Sousuke's throne.

"What is the matter with the both of you?" Aizen Sousuke demanded again. "Can't I trust the two of you to sit still and with dignity during such important propaganda events?"

"I am terribly sorry," Tousen Kaname said regretfully. "I am afraid I am not feeling… well."

"Me neither," Ichimaru Gin moaned, not moving from his face-down position.

Aizen Sousuke scowled. "What do you mean you are not feeling well?" he snapped. "We are gods, we can't be sick!"

"Sorry to disrupt your delusions of grandeur," Ichimaru Gin mumbled weakly. "But we're Shinigami. We can get sick, we can get injured, we can die… and I think I hurt my nose falling off like that."

Aizen Sousuke hesitated, wondering what was the best way to kill Ichimaru Gin for his disobedience and his blatant destruction of Aizen Sousuke's favourite fantasy.

He's musings were broken however, when one Tousen Kaname suddenly joined Ichimaru Gin at the base of his throne.

"I believe I have hurt my nose too, Gin."

"Soul brothers, yo."

"It is a very unpleasant experience… this nose-hurting."

"Yeah… luckily this isn't my first time hurting my nose."

"Oh?"

"Zaraki Kenpachi smashed my nose once during a bar fight. Luckily Unohana-taichou was on duty that night."

"That is why I do not visit such places of low moral value."

"Yeah. Good point. I got him in his you-know-what though."

"Did you? I was under the impression he cannot be cut or something like that."

"Don't know about that. I got him with my knee anyway, not my zanpakuto. Didn't want to dirty my precious Shinsou. Kept him out of places of low moral values for a while."

"Ah, your good deed of the day, I presume. Unfortunately, your attempts to civilize that brute hasn't seemed to work,"

"Ah… if you say so. Honestly, I just thought it was funny seeing the expression on his face when he had to be tended by Yachiru, who can't figure out the difference between aspirin and cyanide."

Aizen Sousuke rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. "Enough of this nonsense, Gin, Kaname," he said coldly. "Get back on your feet immediately. We still have many plans to make. Our back-up Plan W has yet to be finalized."

There was silence from the base of his throne. Aizen Sousuke tried to peer down to see what was happening. Unfortunately, he was having difficulty peering dignifiedly. What he could see however suggested a significant lack of movement on the part of his most disobedient subordinates. "Move," he commandeered.

"Can't…" a faint voice rasped.

"What do you mean 'can't'? You two are the most powerful beings in the whole of Hueco Mundo, second and third only to me! Yet you can't even get onto your own feet without assistance? Do you want to be punished for disobedience?"

"We are trying, Aizen-sama," the second voice replied. "Unfortunately, neither Gin nor I can really move. We are both really… oh god… you might want to dodge, G…"

"Not here, Kaname… oh gross… you got some on me…"

Aizen Sousuke tried not to ponder what kind of stomach contents made that kind of sound when they hit a solid surface. "So…" he ventured. "The two of you are really sick?"

"Yeah."

"Kaname was really puking, and not… fake-puking because Gin sneaked laxatives into his food?"

"Yeah. I don't do laxatives anyway. Too easy to trace."

"This isn't Gin's idea of a sick joke?"

"Aizen-sama, I was in the line of fire."

Aizen Sousuke paused to ponder that statement. "I see," he said. "What is this damned illness you both got?"

"Flu, I think… not that I would know. I'm no Fourth Division. Too powerful to be one, wouldn't you say, Kaname?"

A garbled groan answered that statement.

"Influenza," Aizen Sousuke said disgustedly. "I should have thought so. That's the one virus that can be found in any country and dimension." A moment of hesitation. "Ulquiorra!"

"Aizen-sama."

Stifling the scream that almost erupted from him when the arrancar had appeared suddenly at the doorway, Aizen Sousuke smoothed down his hakama and gestured in the vague direction of the base of his throne. "Observe, Ulquiorra."

Ulquiorra observed.

"Yo, Ulquiorra."

"Hail comrade."

Ulquiorra bowed politely. "May I ask why both great leaders are lying facedown on the floor in what looks like recently-expelled stomach contents?"

"They are sick," Aizen Sousuke said sagely.

"I see," Ulquiorra said politely.

"We need to do something about this, Ulquiorra," Aizen Sousuke went on, pressing the tips of his fingers together. "It cannot do for our great strategists to be stuck facedown on the floor in vomit. We must do something about it."

"Indeed. Shall I relieve them of their pain?"

Both Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname stared at the partially unsheathed zanpakuto.

"Of course not," Aizen Sousuke scoffed, albeit, in a rather benign fashion. "My throne is already dirty enough as it is. I don't want to get blood on it as well. Besides, I need Gin's devious schemes to defeat Seireitei, and Kaname's various quotes on justice for my propaganda speeches."

"Of course, Aizen-sama. Then what would you have me do?"

"Summon one of the lower arrancar to clean up the mess."

"Very well."

"Oh… and summon Inoue Orihime to heal my right-hand men."

"As you wish, great sir."

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

"I can't cure it."

Aizen Sousuke raised an eyebrow from his position over the make-shift stretchers where his unworthy subordinates lay. "Excuse me?" he questioned incredulously. "You can't?"

Inoue Orihime cringed under his glare, gently using a piece of wet cloth to wipe Ichimaru Gin's face. "I can't," she repeated timidly. "There is no cure for influenza."

"You can regenerate an arm," Aizen pointed out, being the type of person to state the obvious.

"Yes," Inoue said patiently. "But the state of a body with an arm and without an arm is an absolute. The normal human body has plenty of bacteria in it to begin with. Besides, the influenza virus can remain dormant for a long time before the symptoms show. It is near impossible to pinpoint the state where it is without the virus."

"So…"

"So there is no cure for influenza," Inoue Orihime concluded. She looked down mournfully. "Sorry, Gin-chan, Kaname-chan."

"It's okay, Inoue-san."

"I kind of hate you now, but it's just the virus, Orihime-chan. It's an evil thing, that virus."

"That's good to know," Inoue beamed, wiping her tears away.

"Influenza has caused wars before, you know?"

"Of course, Gin-chan."

"I've still got specks of vomit on my clothes… that's a cause for war alright."

"I'll get Grimmjaw-chan to change your clothes for you. He's been very nice to me lately. If I ask him nicely, I'm sure he'll agree to help!"

"That's kind of gross… him stripping me…"

"He's a nice person, Gin-chan."

"If you say so. I'm still not comfortable with him touching my underwear."

"He can change Kaname-chan's clothes too."

"Gross."

"I agree with you, Gin. That image is kind of gross."

"Ah! If it makes the both of you comfortable, he can change both of you at the same time! Then it's the two of you against one of him!"

"Orihime-chan…"

"Stop trying."

"I haven't puked yet. I don't want to."

"The two of you are awfully mean today!"

"It's the virus. Told you it causes wars."

"Absolutely. I am not mean, I believe in the path to the least bloodshed."

"Of course, Kaname-chan."

The sound of someone clearing his throat somewhere way above them interrupted the mildly delirious conversation.

"Yes, Aizen-san?" Inoue asked bravely, gazing up at the evil lord of Hueco Mundo.

"For the last time, it's Aizen-sama, Inoue Orihime," Aizen snapped. "Now, enough of all this mundane talk about Grimmjaw and stripping my right-hand men. All you need to tell me now is what I am to do about my sick subordinates."

At that Inoue Orihime perked up immediately. "Oh! It's very simple, Aizen-san!" she squealed. "It's all about comfy beds, nice warm comforters with pretty pink butterflies and bunnies sewed on them! Oh, and the hot chicken soup seasoned with caramel and black sugar! Then there're the cold compresses and hot wraps and romance mangas and lots and lots of red bean paste mixed with lots and lots of butter and wasabi."

Aizen Sousuke's jaw dropped. He quickly snapped it back again before anyone could take note of it. When he removed his hand, it threatened to drop again, but he held it up by the sheer force of his will. "All that?" he quavered. "My military funds are going to be spent on pink bunny stitches and caramel?"

"Yes," Inoue Orihime said firmly over the weak protests coming from below her.

"Is the wasabi necessary?"

"It clears the nose."

"And the red bean paste?"

"It settles the stomach."

"And the romance mangas?"

"It distracts."

Aizen Sousuke hesitated, trying to find away around her cure. But for all the work he put into his fighting abilities, the one area he neglected consistently was the area of healing. "Very well," he conceded finally with a negligible sigh of defeat. "Present your cure to my men. You have a week to cure them."

"But Aizen-san…"

"What is it? I will not allow any time extensions."

"Well… there are no caramel, black sugar, cold compresses, hot wraps, romance mangas, red bean paste, butter or wasabi in Hueco Mundo. Come to think of it, there are no pink butterflies and bunnies either."

"Then…" Aizen Sousuke hesitated again.

"Someone needs to go to the real world to get them."

Inoue Orihime beamed.

Aizen Sousuke rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"… Ulquiorra! Yami!"

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

"… What are you doing, Grimmjaw?"

"What do you think I'm doing, oh great leader's right-hand man?"

"… Hey! Get your claws away from there! That's a very sensitive part of my anatomy!"

"What sensitive part of your anatomy?"

"My nose! I just smashed my nose against Aizen-sama's throne! It really hurts!"

"That's your own fault. Now stop squirming. You think I like doing this?"

"… Ikorose, Shin…"

"Ah, give me that and shut up. Sick kids ain't supposed to be playing with their zanpakuto."

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Ulquiorra hesitated before the tiny mart Inoue Orihime had directed him to. The list in his hand indicated that he had to acquire a series of provisional items. Aizen-sama had insisted that he acquire each and every item in large quantities, enough to last for seven days. Therefore, by default, Ulquiorra had to acquire said provisional items.

The problem was how to acquire said provisional items.

He had been given several large wads of paper, a few round pieces of metal and a gigai. Aizen Sousuke had instructed him patiently on what to do. He was to walk into the mart, acquire a cart-like mode of transportation, put the items on his list into the cart, push it over to the 'cashier', give the paper and metal to the human there and then return to Hueco Mundo. That was fine. He understood the instructions perfectly.

The problem was, he had no idea what the provisional items looked like, where the carts were and what a cashier is.

But that was okay, because Inoue Orihime had said something about labels. She had said that the labels will tell him what to look out for.

This was followed by another problem, being that he did not know what a label was.

Neatly, Ulquiorra folded the precious pieces of paper and stuffed them into the pocket of the pants that have a female name (it was called Jean apparently; he wondered why). Whatever the case was, no matter what sort of obstacles he found in his way, a mission given to him by Aizen-sama must be completed. So this was a little more difficult than killing a certain orange-haired Shinigami. That was no matter. He would do what was needed.

First thing on the list: Enter the mart.

That he could do.

Confidently, he stepped forward towards the doorframe – then blinked when he walked right into something when there was nothing there.

Blinking in hidden amazement, the great arrancar backed off and studied the doorframe curiously.

There had to be some kind of odd barrier around the mart, he decided, a kind of force-field that protected the occupants of the mart from outside attacks by their enemies. Ulquiorra applauded their efficiency internally. The barrier was so well hidden he hadn't even noticed it until he had walked right into it. Closer inspection revealed that the barrier actually reflected light – which meant that whoever created it was so good he or she could actually make reiatsu appear solid.

Slowly, Ulquiorra explored the barrier from top to bottom. This was strange; he couldn't find any trace of reiatsu on the barrier. In fact, it was so well done it actually felt solid, as opposed to just looking solid. That was no problem; Ulquiorra wasn't Aizen Sousuke's most trusted arrancar for nothing.

Bracing himself slightly, Ulquiorra started to manipulate the reiastu within himself, controlling it carefully, sending just the correct amount deep into the barrier to search for a weak point. To his surprise, he countered almost no resistance at all.

It would seem that this barrier was made so perfectly, so subtly, it was impossible to locate even the slightest weak point. Ulquiorra found it difficult to believe that any human could create a barrier as perfect as this, but the evidence was displayed before him. Immediately, he started to take as much note of his surroundings as possible, so he could report this event back to Aizen Sousuke when he returned to Hueco Mundo.

As amazing as this barrier was however, Ulquiorra still had to acquire the necessary food items to take back to Hueco Mundo. He was given to believe that such food items were necessary for the well-being of Aizen'sama's most trusted subordinates. While he did not think much of them, and especially despised Ichimaru Gin, that did not change the fact that Aizen-sama needed those two at his side in order to function properly as the evil overlord of Hueco Mundo.

But how was he to break such a perfect barrier? What could he do? Was he to return in shame? That would not do, that would not do at all. But what could he do? The barrier was perfect! Even Aizen-sama himself couldn't break it!

"Mama! Hurry! I want my candy! Hurry!"

"Don't run, child! Be careful!"

"Hurry! Look, I want that one! Let's go in, Mama!"

"Okay! Okay! Just hang on a minute… be careful!"

"After you, Mama!"

"Oh, what a gentleman! You sweet little thing! Go grab your candy. I can hold the door myself."

"Okay!"

Ulquiorra stared at the weak, human woman holding part of the barrier up with one hand. Ulquiorra stared at the weak human boy who had pushed open the barrier with his bare hands. Ulquoirra stared at his feet in sheer embarrassment.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Wh… what is it, woman?"

"Are you going in, sir?"

"O… of course."

"Then after you!"

"…"

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

"Alright, you're next."

"I do not understand why Inoue-san insisted you change our clothes. You are nothing but an embodiment of murder with no motive, rage with no direction. You are evil, Grimmjaw, evil."

"Yeah, yeah. I don't like you either."

"You will not touch me. Gin may be able to endure your administrations but I will not… stop that immediately!"

"No can do. Aizen-sama's orders. Heh, good thing I had the foresight to hide your zanpakuto first."

"Stop that or I'll kill you!"

"If you don't puke all over yourself first, puke-face."

"You are being disrespectful! And you are deliberately trying to antagonize me into attacking you, but I will not do so because I only kill in the name of jus… don't you dare do that, you uncivilized buffoon!"

"Love ya too, dude. Fucking mother of madness, I can't believe I am stuck changing diapers!"

"Those are not diapers! I do not wear diapers. Grown men do not wear diapers. I am a follower of Aizen Sousuke, the great leader who will lead us on the path to the least bloodshed. I am the bringer of justice and peace!"

"Yeah, whatever. Hey! Teeth away from my hand!"

"You are a murdering bastard, Grimmjaw! Nothing more! You are not worthy to even lick Aizen-sama's shoes! By all the great gods above, you are not even worthy to lick Inoue-san's shoes! At least that girl has honour! At least she does not kill indiscriminately! You are by-product of a corrupt era, Grimmjaw! You shall be vanquished! I shall destroy you in the name of justice!"

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not the one that just tried to bite me."

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Red bean paste… red bean paste… red bean paste…

Ulquiorra wiped a trickle of perspiration off his fore head (the parts that were exposed for wiping at least) and stared grudgingly down the rows and rows of provisional items displayed before him. It was, technically, impossible for so small a room to contain so many items, but it did. Once again, the prowess of the person who had erected the barrier could be seen here. The evident lack of reiatsu was obviously a trademark of this person, who had made it possible to erect so many shelves in so small a place.

And goddamn it all, where was the red bean paste?

A petite woman in an apron wandered past. Ulquiorra pondered the Pride of the Arrancar, and his Pride as a Male Arrancar, and threw both out of the proverbial window. "E… excuse me."

"Oh yes?" Ulquiorra winced at the amazingly shrill voice.

"Where is the red bean paste?"

"Red bean paste?" the woman smiled. "Right behind you."

Shifting uncomfortably, Ulquiorra turned around – and stared at the rows upon rows upon rows of red bean paste.

His jaw dropped.

"All that is red bean paste?" he questioned disbelievingly.

"Oh yes!" the woman replied cheerfully. "Which brand are you looking for? We've got the Strawberry Brand, the Pencil-lover's Brand and the Jaw's Brand. Those are most certainly the most popular brands around. Recently, we have also started importing the Devil's Bells Brand and the Sakura Brand as well. Some like the Pink-Happy Brand, but that one is way too sweet for me. It kind of gives me a sugar-high, and I start calling everyone by odd nicknames."

Ulquiorra blinked unhappily. "Well then…"

"Or perhaps," the woman mused. "I should elaborate more for you. The Strawberry Brand is different in that it's still kind of 'immature'. The paste contains lots of partially squashed red beans in them, so it isn't smooth, but it's not bad. The Pencil-lover's Brand has a really nice packaging and the taste is of a pretty fine quality, but it screams of too many frills to me. On the other hand, it does come with a free cross-stitch pack in it, though the patterns are usually overly elaborate. Ah, the Jaw's Brand is like a man's brand kind of thing. It's got red bean paste with sake, red bean paste with beer and red bean paste with beef. Pretty odd if you ask me, but it's a relatively new brand, so no one knows what to make out of it. Some people think it's really good, some people think it's really bad. Now, the Devil's Bells Brand is rather unique. They actually add spicy stuff into it, so it's really hot. There's like chili red bean paste, tom yam red bean paste, curry red bean paste… all those great delights. I've friends who like it, but personally, it just drives me crazy. The Sakura Brand on the other hand, is a really pricy brand, targeted at the really rich people. The taste is really refined, just perfect to go with sake, but it's only got one flavour so it's kind of boring."

Ulquiorra's mind reeled. This was… unexpected. He hadn't known there were so many different kinds of red bean paste. It was unbelievable. How could there possibly be so many kinds of red bean paste? Were humans so bored that they had to go invent so many different kinds of red bean paste? Perhaps Aizen-sama was actually doing them a favor by waging war on them. At least it would take their minds off red bean paste.

"Well?" the woman beamed.

Perhaps, if he stared hard enough at the shelves, an answer will appear out of nowhere.

"Why don't we do it this way," the woman said kindly. "Tell me what you want the red bean paste for and I'll recommend a brand."

"I…" Ulquoirra stared at the ground and contemplated telling her that he didn't want red bean paste, it was Aizen-sama that wanted red bean paste. "I…"

"Are you cooking for your girlfriend tonight? Or perhaps you just want it as a kind of side-dish?" the woman went on, smiling. "Are you eating it plain, or are you going to put it with something else? Perhaps you want it to go with sake?"

What had that woman said? Ulquiorra could actually feel the sweat on the palms of his hands. "I…" he said helplessly. "It's… wasabi… and butter. Yes! Wasabi and butter! She… I mean, I want to mix it in wasabi and butter!"

The woman's face went strangely blank. "Wasabi and butter…?" she mused. "Well, I suppose that's not as odd as beef and barbecue sauce. In that case, I suppose you should get your red bean paste plain."

"Ok," Ulquiorra replied meekly.

"Or perhaps… you could try it with all the other flavours… you know, like barbecued red bean paste with wasabi and butter," the woman went on. "Hey, maybe the curry red bean paste would do. Or the really finely blended garlic red bean paste? Oh hey, I know, how about…"

Cautiously, Ulquiorra backed off until his back hit a shelf. A dull, throbbing sensation had started at the point in between his brows. It felt, he noted detachedly, like he was being hit rapidly on that area by the blunt end of a pencil. It didn't exactly hurt, but the continuous tapping seemed to induce a sort of mental numbness.

Then the pain hit and he realized that it hurt – terribly.

Rotating on his heels, he turned and stared blearily at the shelf behind him.

Aspirins.

Aspirins are for headaches.

He had a headache.

Wonderful.

He picked a box off the shelf and stared at the instructions. The tiny words blurred before his eyes. Silently, he cursed the assumption aspirin manufacturers had made about everyone having perfect eyesight. Then he shrugged. Arrancar were built to be indestructible after all.

Without a second thought, he emptied the box into his mouth.

As his eyes started to cross, Ulquiorra suddenly realized that while arrancar were supposed to be indestructible, he had been forced into taking human drugs by a woman with too much to say. Thus, he supposed dreamily, arrancar weren't exactly indestructible.

Which, he supposed on, didn't really matter since the world was starting to turn a very pretty shade of pink.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Inoue Orihime cautiously pushed open the door to the room Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname now shared (for convenience's sake). With the experienced eyes of one who witnessed puking on a regular basis (definitely not because of her lack of culinary skills), she scanned the floor meticulously before putting a foot forward.

"Kaname-chan? Gin-chan?"

The occupant of the couch groaned. "I… Inoue-san?"

"Kaname-chan," Inoue greeted softly. "Are you feeling better?"

"Not really…"

The occupant of the other couch (because it would be unfair to let either party take the bed, Aizen Sousuke had destroyed the bed and made both parties sleep on the couches) groaned.

"Gin-chan?"

"Yo…"

Inoue Orihime shook her head sadly. "What a tragic 'yo' that was," she cried. "You must be feeling so terrible! I'm sorry my powers don't really work on viruses."

"Can't be helped," the bundle on the second couch mumbled generously. "There ain't no cure for influenza. Much like there ain't no cure for stupidity. Why did I leave Soul Society in the first place, Kaname?"

"We wanted to create a new world of peace," the other bundle replied obligingly.

"We did?" the first bundle lifted itself a little to reveal tousled silver hair.

"Of course, Gin."

"I was that stupid?" The first bundle flopped down again (mainly because his stomach was starting to make extremely odd and distressing noises). "If I'm finally seeing the light, maybe the influenza virus ate all my stupidity viruses."

"Don't be stupid," the second bundle tried to say, but was drowned out by one Inoue Orihime bursting into loud shrieks of laughter.

"Oh, you are so funny, Gin-chan!" Inoue Orihime giggled helplessly, flopping down on his couch. "That was such an artistic comment! It is almost like Pee-chan banging Pon-chan on the head and then running off with Pakupaku's unagi!"

"Thanks, Orihime-chan. Ow… my head hurts. Why did we leave without taking the Fourth Division with us anyway? I bet they could cure influenza. At least Unohana-taichou could. Though she's scary… like that time I forgot to take just that one dose of antibiotics… she made it sound like I just doomed the whole world."

"It would have been impossible to bring the Fourth Division with us. They hold no loyalty to Aizen-sama."

"We could have kidnapped one person…"

"Well…"

"I knew it. Aizen's an idiot too."

"Oh! That's funny! Ah! But I shouldn't laugh at mean things like this!" Inoue bounced up and down frantically, whacking her head. "Stupid, stupid Orihime!"

The second bundle lifted its head. "Gin," it warned. "I hope those were not words of betrayal you just spoke."

"…"

"Gin?"

"…"

"Inoue-san, what's wrong with Gin?"

"Gin-chan? Why nothing… oh! Oh!"

"What is it?"

"Gin-chan has a really classic expression on his face!"

"Classic? So is he alright?"

"Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Definitely! Yes! He's oh-god-I-can't-feel-a-pulse!"

"Wh…"

"I'm going to do CPR! Watch Inoue Orihime, the greatest lifeguard of all, doing the perfect mouth-to-nose CPR! With my bronzed, muscular arms, and my huge chest muscles, I shall revive this fallen swimmer! And off I go! Inoue Orihime to the rescue!"

"Inoue-san."

"G… yes, Kaname-chan?"

"If you would get off that bit of comforter that is wrapped around Gin's throat, I think it might make him feel just a little bit better."

"Oh."

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

"… Or the brown rice red bean paste could taste really good with the wasabi because the natural sweetness of brown rice would just so bring out the taste of wasabi. Or how about cherry flavoured red bean paste? Now that would be sweet, but in a really light, fruity kind of way, which would go really well with the butter because it would just feel like shortcake. It might clash with the wasabi though so…"

Ulquiorra pressed his hands against his temple and stared dully at nothing, his mouth moving slowly as if he were mumbling a prayer.

Which he was – that is, mumbling a pray.

It went something along the lines of, "Oh hail great Aizen-sama, bringer of darkness and destruction. Your loyal servant bows before thee in absolute obedience. Please deliver me from helpfulness, kindness and red bean paste. Please deliver me from cheerful, bright, smiling women who believe in giving me all my options. Please deliver me from this evil. Oh hail Aizen-sama."

Ulquiorra's eyes flickered a little as they rotated to check if the woman had been struck dead yet. Upon confirmation that the woman was still very much alive and still talking about red bean paste, his eyes immediately glazed over again and he returned to his prayer.

"Please deliver me from this evil that is this shopkeeper that is driving me insane." And just in case the god was a little slow on the uptake. "Please strike her dead with a Ceros and obliterate her entire shop and all her red bean paste into oblivion."

Yet again, Ulquiorra's eyes flickered as he once again looked to check if the woman was dead yet. Unfortunately for him, his eyes only confirmed what his ears already had – that she was still very much alive and still very much focused on red bean paste.

"Please bestow the Black Death on this woman, a mutated version that will cause her to drop dead at this very moment. Please give her a sudden heart attack such that she will die silently. Please remove her tongue that she may never speak again." And just in case the god was being a little petty at the moment. "Pretty please?"

This time, he didn't even bother to look over. He could feel her digging through the various versions of red bean paste available in the shop. His concentration wavered, and the ear-block he had set up collapsed.

"Oh, but the mushroom-flavoured one is a little strong. And you must be careful they didn't put any poisonous ones in. Though I heard there's this brand where they put poisonous mushrooms that aren't fatal. The poison gives a tingling sensation on your tongue, which is supposed to be very desirable. You need a license to prepare one of those though, so you have to look out for the stamp the health authorities put on the cans to validate that the red bean paste has been…"

As quickly as possible, he set up the ear block again. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. Ulquiorra's eyes glazed over again, this time in pain as a sharp, throbbing pain started at the base of his neck and spread with amazing efficiency to the rest of his head. Without looking, he reached up into the shelves and pulled open a box of aspirins (extra fast, extra strong, with no preservatives, artificial colouring or artificial flavouring; two tablets to be taken every two to four hours, do not exceed eight tablets in one day). Silently, he emptied the whole box into his mouth and chewed up the bitter tablets.

He hiccupped, and allowed the empty box to join its fallen comrades on the floor. His eyes glazed over even more.

"Oh hail Aizen-sama, the greatest god in all of the three worlds. I praise thee with all my heart and soul." A little flattery always helped. "Thou art the saviour of all creatures, a true believer of justice and peace, the only one willing to start a war to cleanse the sins of men, women, children, hollows, Shinigami… ant-eaters. At this moment of distress, I, your faithful servant turns to you in hope of salvation. Oh, deliver me from this evil, this…" A hiccup interrupted him. "This foul beast, this creature of pure shining kindness."

Ulquiorra smiled dreamily as the excruciating pain vanished and was replaced by a very pleasant buzz. "A Ceros would be very nice," he confirmed. "Very, very nice. I like Ceroses. They are pretty. I think they are pretty because I like red. I like red much better than white. Dunno why you want us to wear white anyhow, Aizen-sama. It's such a nasty color. And it dirties so easily. I still got bloodstains on my coat. At first it looked nice because it was red, but then it dried and turned brown. Brown is ugly." As an afterthought, he added, "Oh hail, Aizen-sama."

Slowly, Ulquiorra climbed to his feet. Despite his slowness, there was a momentum to his movement. Eyes glazed, jaw slack, he ambled forward.

Even through her ramblings, the woman was immediately aware that something was wrong. "Ulquiorra-chan?" she questioned curiously.

His foot struck a can. "Oh hail Aizen-sama," he told her solemnly. "Dunno why they say that. Sounds like they want him to be hit by flying pieces of ice, don't you say?" Without waiting for a reply, he nodded to himself. "Sounds exactly like that, if you ask me. I don't know what's so nice about being hit by flying pieces of ice anyway. It has to hurt. Like hurt. As in like, real bad."

"Ulquiorra-chan? Are you alright?"

Ulquiorra smiled pleasantly at her. "Perfect," he informed her clearly. "I don't know lots of things, I realize. Like I don't know why I have to buy red bean paste. It isn't fair. It isn't. Like it isn't fair I've got such a heavy mask and Grimmjaw has this perfect, light-weight, chick-magnet mask. Of course that plus his name makes it all sound like some sort of huge joke, you know? Like Grim-jaw, and then he has this little piece of his mask at his jaw. I bet Ichimaru did that. Ichimaru's a weasel. Like I think he used to be a weasel. Before he died that is, because he sure as hell isn't a weasel now. But I'm not exactly sure about hell, because its occupants don't really interact with the other worlds, so I guess he really isn't 'sure as hell', but sure as sure can be. But, he could have been a fox though, like a real nasty little fox, the kind the British hunt with their scary dogs and rifles. Not that he would have gotten killed. He's too slippery. Not literally. It's a metaphor that." He nodded to himself again then hiccupped.

"Ah… of course, Ulquiorra-chan. Are you sure you are alright?"

"Of course." Ulquoirra told her. "All hail Aizen-sama. The ice is in that freezer." Then he sat down in a corner and started to rock himself gently.

The woman looked at him curiously, shrugged then continued her extensive tutorial on the various kinds of red bean paste available, the different methods used for preparing, cooking and serving them, as well as other random tips.

No one noticed when Ulquiorra started to hum a rather off-key rendition of Aizen had the Hogyoku; not even Ulquiorra himself.

And somewhere deep within the skull of said arrancar, a prettily round object with a segregated edge went cli-clink as it hit the base of his cranial space.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Just around the time pretty round objects with segregated edges were going cli-clink in Ulquiorra's cranial space, Aizen Sousuke found himself stalking down the corridors of his palace in a very foul mood.

There were several reasons for said foul mood. In his highly methodological mind, Aizen Sousuke listed them out in increasing order based on the significance of their contribution to said foul mood.

Reason number one: They had run out of ginger for his ginger ale.

Reason number two: His subordinates were sick and thus unable to contribute to his plans to destroy the whole of Seireitei.

Reason number three: His subordinates were extremely whiny when they were sick, especially a certain Ichimaru Gin.

Reason number four: He had ran out of hair wax, and his fringe was now flopping all over his face once again.

Thus it was, Aizen Sousuke was scowling dangerously when he reached the room housing his sick subordinates. "You will tell me you are better," he declared. "Or I will just feed the two of you to the pet hollows some of the arrancar like to keep."

Then he blinked.

Both his subordinates were sitting up, wrapped in pink comforters and holding romance mangas in their hands. Both were peering at him over a multitude of pink bunny stitches.

"We're better," Ichimaru Gin said quickly. Tousen Kaname agreed just as quickly, nodding several times.

"Darn," Aizen muttered, highly disappointed. "Already?"

"Already," Tousen Kaname confirmed, wiping his nose with a piece of tissue. "Much better, despite the fact that Ulquoirra has yet to return with the provisional goods Inoue-san ordered."

"Because Ulquiorra didn't return with the provisional goods," Ichimaru Gin muttered under his breath.

"I see," Aizen scowled. "Well, that wasted us a lot of time."

"Aw, come on, Aizen-sama," Ichimaru Gin protested cheerfully (albeit, a little nasally as well). "It's not like we wanted to catch the flu."

"And both of you had to come down with it at the same time," Aizen went on, ignoring his subordinates words (because Ichimaru Gin was a subordinate, whatever he said was obviously of no significance to Aizen Sousuke in the great scheme of things). "How is it possible for both my right-hand or left-hand men to fall sick at the same time?"

"Because we share cutlery," Tousen mumbled guiltily.

"And we share cutlery because Aizen-sama refuses to allocate funds to buying more cutlery," Ichimaru mumbled a lot less guiltily.

"Since Aizen-sama has his own set of cutlery..."

"Made of silver I might add…"

"He didn't catch the virus."

Aizen Sousuke glared down at the two pink bundles in front of him. "Nonsense," he said sharply. "I did not fall sick because I am strong and the two of you are weak."

"There he goes again…"

"Shinigami are weak," Aizen said loudly so he could pretend that he didn't hear what his extremely disobedient subordinate just said. "Shinigami are so weak that it is a wonder any of them could ever face off against a hollow. They are born weak, and thus we must create a race that is beyond the Shinigami. We must erase the weakness in the Shinigami…"

"Amen," Tousen Kaname said fervently.

"Where was I…? Oh yes, Miyaki-chan was going to confess her undying love to Daidouji-kun," Ichimaru Gin said just as fervently, quickly diving back into the manga in his hand.

"It is only…" Aizen shouted. "Only when we finally erase all weakness within the Shinigami can there be peace! Only without any physical weakness can the Shinigami search for mental and emotional strength! Unfortunately, there are none, none save the great Aizen Sousuke who have seen this, and none who can accomplish it the way that I can!"

"Amen!" Tousen Kaname shouted hysterically.

"That is a totally lame way to confess! Why don't you just kiss him, you stupid girl?" Ichimaru Gin shouted just as hysterically.

"It is thus, that I must be King, King of all the Three Worlds, and Possibly Hell as well!" Aizen Sousuke shrieked. "Because I am strong, and you are not! Ah-choo!"

"Ame…."

"Yes! They kissed…"

The fervent shouts of the dark minions trailed off awkwardly as the significance of the last word (sound) their great leader said (made) sank in.

"Aizen-sama…" Tousen Kaname asked cautiously.

"Did you just sneeze?" Ichimaru Gin asked a lot less cautiously.

"Of course not!" Aizen Sousuke said sharply. "I did not… Ah-choo!"

An awkward silence settled over the trio in where Aizen Sousuke tried to stop his nose from dripping all over his face, Tousen Kaname tried to find a logical explanation (i.e. one where Aizen Sousuke was still right) for what has just happened, and where Ichimaru Gin tried not to snigger.

"It doesn't matter anyway," Aizen Sousuke croaked. "Just because I sneezed doesn't mean I'm sick. I can't be sick. I'm too strong to be… Ah-choo!"

"Sick?" Ichimaru asked, peering over the top of his romance manga at his flustered superior.

"Of course!"

"But Aizen-sama…" Tousen Kaname said miserably. "You most certainly are starting to look a little sick…"

"Am not!"

"Are too," Ichimaru shot back immediately, grinning happily away.

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Am not!"

"Are too."

"Am…"

"Gin," Tousen Kaname interrupted immediately, his brain unable to fully grasp the sight of the Great Inspirational Leader bickering like a child with an evilly grinning (possible weasel-fox reincarnation) Ichimaru Gin. "Why don't we just call Inoue-san up and ask her to verify if Aizen-sama is sick or not?"

"Not fun," Ichimaru pointed out quietly.

Tousen Kaname shook his head sagely. "Inoue-san!" he called, ignoring his roommate. "Could you come here for a moment?"

"I'm here!"

All three men displayed various signs of shock as the cheerful voice rang out from somewhere behind the bulk that was Aizen Sousuke. Grinning, the energetic bundle of doom known more commonly as Inoue Orihime skipped out of the evil lord's shadow and waved happily.

"Hello everybody!"

"Hello, Inoue-san."

"Yo."

"Go away, woman."

"Oh but that wouldn't do," Inoue said, beaming benignly (and alliteratively) at the group. "I heard that Aizen-san is sick, so I have to make sure that you stay in bed…"

"I'm not sick," Aizen said coldly, his voice promising everything from Chinese Water Torture to Being Prodded by a Very Hot Poker in Very Uncomfortable Places. "Now you will go away…"

Unfortunately for Aizen Sousuke, his death threat was promptly interrupted when Inoue Orihime stuck a thermometer into his mouth. (It was also around this time that Aizen Sousuke remembered Inoue Orihime wasn't all that great at hearing the promises his voice made.) "Mmm-mmemmm," he growled.

"Oh my," Inoue noted, with a distinct note of cheeriness in her voice, "That's a pretty high temperature, Aizen-san."

"Nonsense! I am different from the normal Shinigami! I do not fall sick!"

"You're sick," she said cheerfully. "I had a feeling you would be. The virus does spread around so. That's why I've gotten this ready!"

She held out her hands.

Aizen Sousuke looked down.

And Ichimaru Gin erupted into sniggers at the look on Aizen Sousuke's face as he contemplated the pink comforter with the pink bunnies in Inoue Orihime's hands.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Yami had been sent back to the real world to wait for Ulquiorra. That was just fine with him, because Hueco Mundo was in a total, absolute mess at the moment.

It basically consisted of a surprisingly healthy Ichimaru Gin and an overly enthusiastic Inoue Orihime happily chasing an extremely irritated and terrified Aizen Sousuke all over the palace in an effort to wrap him in a pink blanket with pink fluffy rabbits on it. There had been a lot of calls of "Ikorose Shinsou", "Kudakero, Kyoka Suigetsu" and "Koten Zanshun, I reject", which was all rather odd in Yami's opinion (because trying to pierce a person to death was such an odd way to cure them of the flu). However, Yami had long learnt that his intellect wasn't the most advanced part of his person, and that his opinion probably didn't mean anything at all.

That didn't mean that he was stupid though. He was still smart enough to realize that the real world was probably a safer place to be in than Hueco Mundo at the moment. All those insignificant arrancar lying dead along the corridors only proved it.

So here he was, standing at the meeting point Ulquiorra and he had decided on earlier that day, shifting awkwardly and wondering just what he was supposed to do about the missing arrancar. Ulquiorra had never been late before, so Yami didn't have much experience to fall on. Logic dictated that he use Pesquiza to locate Ulquiorra and then proceed to where Ulquiorra was to retrieve him.

Experience dictated that ordering Ulquiorra about was bound to end up with him losing several body parts, not all of them as easily replaced as his arm.

So Yami was stuck where he was, twirling his fingers, shifting about on his feet, and wishing that there was someone for him to talk to (or kill, which would be just as fun). It was so awkward, standing there, looking like an idiot (though probably ninety percent of the population in the world couldn't see him, standing there doing nothing still counted as looking idiotic because Yami could see himself).

"Come on, Ulquiorra," he muttered. "Show yourself. Then maybe we can go for ice-cream."

"Yami."

With a yelp, Yami jumped forward before turning around to look behind. "U… Ulquiorra!" he stammered. "For the love of Aizen-sama, you scared me there!"

"That wouldn't do, Yami. You should learn to be more alert."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Yami muttered, looking at his (more or less) partner carefully. "What took you so long?"

"I was retrieving the provisional goods," Ulquiorra said calmly, gesturing to the huge bags of food around his feet.

"Ok." Yami looked his partner up and down again. Ulquiorra looked perfectly calm and collected, like usual, but there was something wrong with him. Yami just could not put his finger on it. "Wanna go for ice-cream?"

Ulquiorra inclined his head. "That would be fine."

Even though he was no longer standing around doing nothing, Yami found his feet shifting about beneath him. There was something wrong with Ulquiorra, he could feel it. "So… what kind of ice-cream would you want?"

With a sudden jerk of his head, Ulquiorra looked up. Unconsciously, Yami took another two steps back. Had Ulquiorra's eyes always looked that… red?

"Ice-cream," Ulquiorra muttered, his voice picking up speed as he went. "Ice cream is a frozen dessert made from dairy products, such as cream or other substituted ingredients, combined with flavourings and sweeteners, such as sugar. This mixture is stirred slowly while cooling to prevent large ice crystals from forming. This results in a smooth textured ice cream. Frozen custard, yoghurt, sorbet and other similar products are also sometimes called ice-cream. This frozen dessert can be served in a cone, cup or bread. There are several different flavours we can choose from, the most basic including chocolate and vanilla. However, there are other flavours such as strawberry, mint, raspberry…"

Yami took several steps back as Ulquiorra advanced on him, his eyes gleaming maniacally.

"Belgium chocolate, dark chocolate, hazelnut, milk chocolate, white chocolate, lemon, blueberry, grape, apple, orange, caramel, yam, corn, chocolate chips in cream, chocolate chips in dark chocolate, chocolate chips in mint, cookies and cream, cookies and chocolate, coconut, green tea, sesame, wild-berry, run and raisin, yoghurt…"

Yami's back had hit an inconveniently placed wall. He cringed and tried to look as small as possible as Ulquiorra glowered before him, the petite arrancar's voice rising to a scream.

"Tiramisu! Cherry! Guava! Banana! Lime! Maple! Toffee! Coffee! Brownie and cream! Hot-fudge! Strawberry syrup! Maple syrup! Honeydew! Watermelon! Mocha! Sour Plum! Rocky Mountain! Screaming Orgasms on the Beach!"

"Stop it, Ulquiorra!" Yami yipped in terror. "What's wrong with you?"

Ulquiorra blinked and stared docilely at the towering arrancar. "What are you doing, Yami?" he questioned calmly. "Bring the goods back to Aizen-sama."

"Wh… what?"

"I said bring the goods back to Aizen-sama."

"Ok," Yami blabbered, pushing past Ulquiorra (albeit, very politely). "Ok. Goods back to Aizen-sama. That's great. I can carry everything. Everything. You just hang out and rest. Rest. That's a good idea, rest."

"Calm down, Yami," Ulquiorra said sternly. "Aizen-sama would be most disappointed to see you acting like a little child who just had a nightmare."

"Yes, yes, of course," Yami squeaked hurriedly. "Nothing wrong with me. I mean… wrong of me! I'm… me… I'm wrong. I'll just calm down like you said. Anything you say." Already, half the goods Ulquiorra had purchased were being slung over his shoulder as he scooped them up rapidly. "Come on, let's get back to Hueco Mundo, huh?"

"Of course," Ulquiorra said. "There is nowhere else I would rather go now." His eyes gleamed suddenly. "The real world is too bored."

"Bored? You mean boring?"

"Bored."

"Ok."

"We must destroy it."

"Anything you say."

"Destruction. There are many ways to destroy the real world. We can create a huge army of arrancar and Ceros the entire place into smithereens, we can trigger off World War Three and watch the real world self-destruct, we could agitate the movements of the plates and cause several massive earthquakes, we could unleash Ichimaru Gin on the world, we can…"

"Oh god, not again…"

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

"How you feeling, Aizen-sama?"

"A little… bundled up, Gin?"

"Ah. For your own good, of course."

"I can't feel my extremities."

"Don't need them."

"I need to blow my nose."

"Can't hear you. Say 'ah'."

"A… no wait, why?"

"Open up. Orihime-chan wants me to feed you the red bean paste."

"Rubbish! That isn't red bean paste! Red bean paste isn't that colour!"

"It's… mostly red bean paste."

"I am not eating that!"

"Really? Grimmjaw! Kaname!"

"Yes, Gin?"

"What's up?"

"Aizen-sama wouldn't eat his medicine."

"That's not medicine!"

"Oh no, that's not good. We shall have to feed him his medication. Come, Grimmjaw. Aizen-sama must be delirious. Hold him down there and I'll just…"

"No! No! Go away! Don't you…! I'm not eating…"

"Slow down, Gin. You don't want to choke him."

"I don't? Oh yeah… I don't."

"Gin. Your jokes go too far sometimes."

"I was joking? Uh… yeah, kind of."

"Hey, Shinigami."

"What, Arrancar?"

"Is Aizen-sama supposed to turn that colour?"

"…"

"Oh dear…"

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Author's Notes: For those who are interested, the woman and the shop really exist where I come from. Of course she isn't some kind of powerful medium. (For those who didn't get it, Ulquiorra mistook glass for reiatsu.) The products she sells do not exist though. Please do not attempt to eat red bean paste with curry or wasabi or butter. It's… not a good idea.

And, please leave a review! I love reviews…