Okay, just a few notes here.
First, I must emphasize again that my fics are written strictly for fun and not to offend people. Please read my fics with a sense of humour and don't take things written in here seriously.
Secondly, someone named "…" asked what is the rattling in Ulquiorra's head. Uh… it's the screws loose in his skull… (I know, I know! It sounds totally lame when I say it explicitly!).
Lastly, thank you so much to my readers for being so supportive, and I know this took some time to come out, but hopefully, it's a good chapter!
I do not own bleach.
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Time does not stand still
Imagine, if you can, an endless stretch of sand; a dry, cruel desert; a deserted, desolated world. With your mind's eye, see yourself standing on the spot at the furthest southern corner of the desert (and thus, by default, imagine that this deserted, desolated world is flat, if not there is no way you could possibly stand at the furthest southern corner of it). Now, with the same mind's eye (or eyes, if you are starting to feel a little dizzy with looking through one eye), look straight north. Strain a little if you must. Strain a little more… and finally, with your mind's eye (or eyes) squinted, you would see a tall, towering, white palace.
It is, by no means, a good-looking palace, in the sense that you probably would not expect to see handsome knights in white armour riding out of the palace on majestic white horses. (If you are looking for handsome shinigami in white coats riding illegally on wild, untamed hollows without their king knowing then perhaps you might spot one because there is only one.) However, it is an imposing palace, made more imposing by the significant lack of any other tall structures (or any structures) around it.
Also, no matter how fast you run, it seems to take forever to actually reach the front door, and when you do reach the front door, chances are you will be eaten by a very scary sand-thing that is in actual fact an arrancar and a lot of sand (which is confusing, because hollows are dead souls that went bonkers, so this should be an arrancar of the soul of dead sand, which then begets the question of how sand can die and how exactly then life should be defined if even sand can die and… well, you get the point). Either way, this raises the issue of not getting too close to the front door of this structure, which of course explains the need to stand at the farthest corner away from this structure. (Also, it gives you a better view of this imposing palace.)
In this great imposing palace, stuck like a white, sterile and highly dangerous nuclear plant in the middle of a deserted, stormy, dangerous world, time appears to stand still.
The truth is, it doesn't.
That is, time doesn't stop (because time's a bitch in that way).
And that can be a very huge problem.
A very huge problem indeed.
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"Grimmjaw," Aizen scowled. "What is the meaning of this?"
Said arrancar stared at the mess of blood, gore and other random arrancar bits lying at his feet and tried not to pout. "Sorry, Aizen-sama," he mumbled, trying out the arrancar version of 'puppy eyes' (which most sane people do not want to see).
"How," Aizen growled. "Does an apology make you killing your servants any better?"
"I didn't mean it," Grimmjaw mumbled, shuffling his feet. "We were just trying to have a game of Strip Poker see, but then when Ana… no… Beuti… no… ah… whoever this piece of arrancar is… was… well, anyway, she… he… it… didn't want to take off his… hers… its… you know… and then Pati… no… Patti… no… Patty… ah whatever… got mad… and he… she… it… attacked Ana… or Beuti or whatever… and I tried to stop them, only I forgot that my reiatsu is kind of strong see… so when I let out some reiatsu to cool them down, I ended up blowing up everyone instead."
Aizen Sousuke groaned. "How many times have I told you to keep your reiatsu to yourself, Grimmjaw?" he snapped.
"Three hundred thousand, four hundred and thiry-five times, Aizen-sama."
"And you still haven't understood it?"
"Well…" Grimmjaw pouted. "It's just… I haven't been in a fight in a while… and an arrancar's got this urges you see, so I just unthinkingly… let out some reiatsu… and…"
"Arg… never mind…" Aizen frowned. "At least those were just a couple of low-level arrancar slaves."
"Yes, Aizen-sama. I'm sorry, Aizen-sama."
"That doesn't excuse you! To the torture room."
"Again?"
"Yes, aga… how many times have I sent you there already today?"
"Twenty-seven times, Aizen-sama."
Aizen Sousuke shook his head. "You!" he grumbled. "Trouble-maker!"
"But it isn't just me," Grimmjaw complained. "Yami got sent there forty-four times! And even Ulquiorra's been in there five times already. And if Ichimaru G… I mean, Ichimaru-sama was able to regenerate with super-human speed, you would have sent him there like three thousand times already."
There was a brief pause as Aizen Sousuke took time to think this over. Then he draped himself over the couch in Grimmjaw's room.
Grimmjaw swallowed hard. He knew what was going to happen next. Aizen-sama was going to be Nice, but he was not going to be Nice. He was just going to talk to Grimmjaw in a friendly tone, and every time Aizen-sama talked to Grimmjaw in a friendly tone, Grimmjaw lost an arm. He hated it when Aizen-sama was being Nice.
"Come, Grimmjaw," Aizen Sousuke said benignly. "Come. Sit next to me. Let's have a talk, just you and I. It's been such a long time since we've talked hasn't it. I must apologize for that, for I've been busy. You must forgive your Father for this."
"Yes Aizen-sama…" Grimmjaw mumbled in a low voice as he sat at the furthest edge of the couch.
"Now Grimmjaw," Aizen Sousuke said gently. "Obviously there is something going on here. Why have all my arrancar been behaving so irrationally? Even Ulquiorra has accidentally murdered his bath attendants today. Why, he had to draw the hot water himself! You must tell me what is going on so I can help you and your brothers… sisters… siblings."
"Well…" Grimmjaw hesitated.
"Yes, my child?"
"It's just… you know…" Grimmjaw swallowed hard again and took the plunge. "We are all bored, Aizen-sama."
"Bored?"
"Yes," Grimmjaw went on, encouraged by the fact that he hadn't lost his arm yet. "We have nothing to do here, Aizen-sama, but train ourselves, and we can't train ourselves all the time. There isn't even anything to hunt and stuff like that, because the Hollow population has been declining partly due to the fact that you keep using Hogyoku to transform them. Plus most of us haven't gotten into a good fight in ages, and we've got all this wild urges to just kill something, you know… all this desires and tensions… so everything just erupts sometimes… and you've got this mess you see here and…"
"Wait, wait," Aizen Sousuke said roughly then remembered he was supposed to be Nice and lowered his voice. "You mean to say, my dear child, that boredom is driving my precious arrancar to such destructive behaviour?"
"Yes, Aizen-sama."
"I see," Aizen said sagely. "It's the Gin-Syndrome, isn't it?"
"Yes, Aizen-sama."
"Ah, I understand," Aizen Sousuke announced – then cut off Grimmjaw's arm.
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"This is all your fault."
Ichimaru Gin looked blankly at the man glaring at him in indignant rage. "What is my fault?" he asked curiously.
"The fact that my arrancar are bored," Aizen Sousuke said spitefully. "It's making them kill each other!"
"How is that my fault?" Ichimaru Gin whined. "I didn't make them bored!"
"They've got your syndrome, Gin!"
"What syndrome?"
"The Gin-Syndrome!"
"That isn't my syndrome! It's just a name you made up on your own!"
"Yes, and I'm god, which means if I say it's the Gin-Syndrome, it had so better be the Gin-Syndrome!"
Ichimaru Gin scowled and tried to think of a way to refute that statement without destroying Aizen Sousuke's delusions of grandeur. "Well, I don't like your hair either," he shot back.
"Come now," Tousen Kaname said hurriedly before the conflict got out of hand. "Gin, don't insult Aizen-sama's hair…"
"Yeah, don't!"
"And Aizen-sama, don't push the blame to the nearest person you can think of."
"Ha, in the face, Aizen-sama!"
Tousen Kaname hurriedly pushed the pair apart. "Aizen-sama, this is not productive," he said calmly. "Come, if the arrancar are bored, let's just think of a way to make them… not bored."
Aizen Sousuke shook off his subordinate and smoothed his hair back. "That's your job," he snapped irritatedly. "You and Gin! Think of ways to keep the arrancar entertained! I am going to bed to nurse my headache!"
"Yes Aizen-sama."
"Whatever."
The moment the Great Leader Who will Lead us on the Path to the Least Bloodshed (GLWLOPLB or GLOB for short) left the room, Ichimaru Gin sank back onto a conveniently placed piece of cement and scowled. "Well, any ideas?" he asked.
"Scheming is your job, Gin. I am only good for fighting, punishing arrancar and finding ways to justify our actions."
"Right," Ichimaru Gin acknowledged. "Okay… let's think about it. What are the factors involved in this situation? Bored arrancar…"
"Arrancar filled with unholy desires to kill something…"
"Arrancar with too much reiatsu…"
"And a world where there is not much entertainment."
"Hmm…" Ichimaru Gin frowned deeply. "That does create something of a problem now, doesn't it? We have to find something for this arrancar to do that occupies a lot of time… but then coming up with something like that would require some thought on my part."
Tousen Kaname nodded wisely. "Yes," he agreed, simply because he felt that his input was necessary since Aizen-sama had ordered both of them to think of a solution.
"So," Ichimaru Gin went on, his face brightening up. "We think of a short-term solution first, you know, just to staunch the slaughter of random low-level arrancar."
"Yes," Tousen Kaname agreed, for the same reason as that above.
"And…" Ichimaru Gin went on, his face darkening suddenly with malicious delight. "I think I've got just the right thing…"
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"Hueco Mundo Theatre?" Aizen Sousuke said incredulously, reading the huge pink banner that now hung over the majestic front door of his palace. "Kaname, what is this?"
"Ask Gin."
"Fine! Gin, what is this?"
"The Hueco Mundo Theatre." Smiling, Ichimaru Gin presented a huge, helium-filled balloon to his master.
"Yes, I can read that!" Aizen snapped, taking the balloon absent-mindedly. "Is this your plan, Gin, for the bored arrancar?"
"Only short-term," Ichimaru said cheerfully. "You know… entertain them for a couple of days until I find a real good solution."
"That is all fine," Aizen Sousuke grumbled, unwilling to admit that he did have some fond childhood memories of going to see a play. "But where the hell did you find a theatre group?"
"I didn't."
"What?"
"Or rather, I did."
"Gin…"
"Whoa!" Ichimaru Gin took a quick step back. "Hold the zanpakuto, Aizen-sama! You'll burst the balloons! It took me hours to find a helium pocket in the desert, you know? You burst these and we wouldn't have enough helium for any more balloons. Not since someone's taken to stealing helium from those natural helium pockets."
Aizen Sousuke looked at the multi-coloured balloons floating cheerily above Ichimaru Gin's head, and his heart softened. "Fine. You've better have a good explanation for this!"
"We are the theatre act, Aizen-sama," Ichimaru Gin said proudly.
"You and Kaname?" Aizen Sousuke gasped incredulously.
"Well… Kaname… me… you?"
"Never!" Aizen Sousuke roared.
"Well… then Kaname and me," Ichimaru Gin shrugged.
"Gin," Tousen said in a low voice trembling with rage. "You never told me that!"
"It's for Aizen-sama!" Ichimaru Gin replied, and in doing so, lied straight through his teeth.
"But…" Tousen Kaname whimpered. "I get stage-frights! You know when we were rising above Soul Society to enter Hueco Mundo and everyone was staring at us? I was shaking! I mean, it was like they expected me to say something! When Aizen-sama told us we would be rising to the heavens in true evil lord style, I almost fainted! God, I don't even know what we are going to do and I'm already nervous!"
"Chill dude," Ichimaru Gin grinned. "It's simple, you know! Besides, you will be all in costume and face-paint and masks, you know? Pretend you are someone else or something, like in… well… your fantasies."
"I've never fantasized about being someone else."
"Not even in… you know… sex fantasies?"
"Never! If I were someone else then I wouldn't be the one getting laid, right?"
"Eh… right…" Ichimaru Gin cleared his throat. "Anyway, just bear with it. I can't be the theatre all by myself. I'm not Shiba Ganju, you know?"
Tousen Kaname took a deep breath. "Okay," he said in a hoarse voice. "For Aizen-sama."
"Attaboy!" Ichimaru Gin grinned. "Now, we just wait for Orihime-chan to be done and then we can start doing our act."
"Inoue-san? She's in it too?"
"Yeah. She's doing the costumes and some of the acts."
Tousen Kaname shuffled his feet, wondering if he should sigh in relief or sigh in despair. Absent-mindedly, he handed out a balloon with the invitation attached to it to a passing arrancar. Well, after all, their chief-schemer, Ichimaru Gin, was the one who thought of this idea. Surely he had thought every factor through.
So what could go wrong?
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Nell Tu was lost.
Well, not really.
Nell Tu was pretending to be lost so she could cry and wail until her brothers found her. That was all part of being a masochist, the crying, wailing and intentionally harming yourself. (Only, Nell Tu never really intentionally harmed herself because she really didn't like knives and or being chained up and stuff like that.)
Either way, Nell Tu was not really lost. It is a little bit difficult to get lost around Las Nosches, if only because recently someone had erected signs all over the palace and palace grounds in Hollow-language indicating which part of the palace the person was at.
Currently, Nell Tu was at "Grunt, grunt, roar, roar, evil scheming laughter", which in human spoken language would be "The Evil Lord's Garden". She intended to head over to "Roar, grunt, grudging growl of approval, grunt" (Nice-Smelling Wilted Bush) and stare blankly at the sign board as a gesture of her utter lack of ability to find her way around Hueco Mundo.
"Where are you, my most beloved brothers!" Nell wailed. "Oh alas, alas! Should thou abandon thy dearest sister to the ravages of the desert? Should thou abandon thy sister to rapacious monsters which would spare no mercy in relieving me of my virginity, of which existence I'm not even sure of? Alas, alas, and again – alas!"
With another tragic groan, Nell Tu stumbled forward some more, heading rather deliberatively in a stumbling uncertain walk towards "Roar, grunt, grudging growl of approval, grunt".
Then paused.
In front of her (specifically, on the ground in front of her), was a pair of shoes. They were white, and looked very much like the traditional Japanese shoes traditional Japanese wear. Inside that pair of shoes was a pair of black socks, conceivably, also of the type that traditional Japanese might wear. And, inside that pair of socks was, most probably, a pair of feet.
A very human pair of feet.
Gulping in fear, Nell Tu slowly raised her eyes, seeing yet not seeing a pair of black hakama and a white over coat. Finally, her eyes came to rest on the oddest face she had ever seen. Coincidentally, it was also the scariest face she had ever seen. With a face like that, Nell Tu felt, this creature looked exactly like a rapacious monster.
No one else should be able to have a smile that big.
"Oh lord," she moaned, tears spilling down her face. "Please don't rape me! I'm only a child!"
And the smile vanished.
"I wasn't going to rape you," the creature protested in an odd sing-song voice, looking more than a little annoyed. "I am not a pedophile!"
Nell Tu sniffed miserably. "What's a pedophile?" she asked. "Is that a rapacious monster?"
"Eh… yes?"
"Oh good," Nell Tu beamed. "So you aren't a rapacious monster. Your lack of existence as above mentioned monster has left me deprived of the opportunity to display my masochistic tendencies, but, at least my supposed-virginity will not be taken away." She beamed happily up at the puzzled expression displayed on the not-rapacious-monster's face. "I'm Nell Tu. Who are you?"
The smile returned. For some reason, without the smile on his face, this creature's mouth looked much smaller. "Ichimaru Gin," the creature replied.
"Oh, Ichimaru Gin," Nell Tu beamed. "That sounds familiar."
"Yeah?" the creature beamed back.
"Yeah," Nell Tu beamed back in return.
"Where have you heard it from?" the creature beamed back in return – in return.
"Hmm… well now…" Nell Tu stopped beaming (because she really couldn't match the creature's stamina when it came to smiling).
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Ichimaru Gin!" Nell Tu screamed, shooting backwards with a speed her short legs should not have been able to achieve. "The Evil Lord Aizen Sousuke's right or left hand man depending on which side of the throne he stands on! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm going to die! Die!" A tragic scream erupted from her and she balled herself up, sobbing miserably.
"Now, now," the evil lord's evil minion said hurriedly, looking suitably flustered. "There's no need to be frightened of me. I was just passing by."
"Bullshit!" Nell screamed, working herself up into the kind of frenzy masochists world-wide can only dream about. "You're going to kidnap me then torture me! You're going to chain me up with leather bonds and whip me over and over again while I beg for mercy! Then you're going to drip water on my head until I'm nothing but a quavering ball of mucus and tears! Then you're going to laugh at me and beat me about. Then you're going to rape me over and over and over and over and over and over again despite the fact that I'm only a child! Then you'll put me on a leash and force me to parade before all the booing arrancar. Then you're going to stick a stake through me from my ass through my mouth and leave me to rot in the desert! And after I die from pain, thirst and starvation, you're going to mutilate my corpse with that tiny zanpakuto of yours!"
The creature stood still, mouth wide open in shock as it gaped at the little arrancar who was by now, foaming at the mouth.
"Well?" Nell Tu screamed. "What are you waiting for? Kidnap me this instance, you evil lord's evil minion!"
Within the head of the evil lord's evil minion, unseen by Nell Tu, his thoughts spun in a terrible frenzy. Some thoughts insisted that Ichimaru Gin comfort the little arrancar by reassuring her that he was not going to do the above mentioned things to her. Other thoughts mused that reassuring her as thus might only make her more upset, and that the way to go about it would be to tell the little arrancar that he was going to do all the above mentioned things to her then run away before she found out otherwise.
Thus it was, instead of carrying out those two thoughts, it was the third thought that escaped through his mouth despite it being the least vocal thought. "Who's been teaching you all these naughty words?" he demanded in a suitably adult voice.
Nell Tu quavered and whimpered and sobbed and screamed and did not answer his question.
"Come now," the dark creature of chaos tried in a gentler voice. "There's no need to be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you!"
"Liar!" Nell Tu screamed. "That's what all evil lord's evil minions say! I bet next you're going to offer me a piece of candy to lure me to my death in your dungeons where you do strange things to virgins with chains and whips!"
The hand in Ichimaru Gin's sleeve let go hurriedly of a lollipop he had been about to offer to her (in an effort to make her stop crying, and not to lure her to her death in his dungeons etc). "Now, now Nell-chan," he said in his best placating tone. "If it would make you feel any better, I'll just walk away right now."
"It's a trap! It's a trap!" Nell screamed, shutting her eyes and covering her ears. "I know what you are! Your mouth is actually on your back and the moment that you turn around, you're going to eat me! I know it! I just know it!"
Silence greeted her accusations and after an indeterminate period of time, Nell Tu found herself compelled to open her eyes to check the progress of her dehumanization. Much to her surprise (and disappointment), the horrible creature known as Ichimaru Gin was gone. If she had bothered to look two minutes earlier, she would have seen a thin figure hurrying off in the direction of "obscene curse, growl, obscene curse, dying cry" (Front Door) in a sort of panicked version of shunpo, holding its hakama up daintily so it wouldn't hinder its owner's movement.
"Rapacious monster?" Nell Tu asked cautiously, peeping out from between her fingers. "You there?"
Yet again, Nell Tu's words were greeted by silence, and she felt strangely miffed by that despite her masochistic tendencies. She had been so convinced (or so she told herself) that she was finally going to get the terrible end she was always convinced she was going to get. To look death in the face and then to discover that it was only an awkward misunderstanding was strangely devastating to the little female (assumedly) arrancar known as Nell Tu.
As such, Nell Tu found herself compelled to give a loud, disgruntled snort.
"Hmnf," she snorted.
And because that was obviously insufficient, she added, "So I'm not good enough for the oh so great and mighty Aizen-sama's evil minion to torture to death huh? Well… I don't care! I don't need you to torture me to death! There are others who will do that for me!"
And at that precise moment, a balloon got caught in Nell Tu's mask – which inevitably led to a lot of screaming, wailing and tears before Nell Tu found it appropriate to remove the balloon to examine it.
It was a very adorable balloon, with the picture of a very adorable puppy on it. Tied at the bottom of the string that was attached to the balloon was a slip of paper. With some difficulty, Nell Tu made to read it.
"Grunt, roar, roar, grunt, gargle, gargle, spit, spit spit, Aizen, puke, puke, screaming orgasm," she muttered. "Ah… I see. The Hueco Mundo Theatre is holding a production of gargle gargle's Romeo and Juliet in honour of Aizen-sama." Her eyes traveled further down the slip of paper. "Grumble annoyingly, tummy rumbles, tummy rumbles, Ichimaru Gin, Tousen Kaname, puke, puke, Inoue Orihime, wolf whistle." A pause. "So it's staring Ichimaru Gin, Tousen Kaname and Inoue Orihime. Hmm…"
There was a long silence as Nell Tu, the youngest arrancar known contemplated the paper. It was evidently compulsory for all the arrancar to turn up, but that did not mean anything to Nell Tu other then that it will be a large gathering of all the more powerful rapacious monsters in Hueco Mundo. And that her very own rapacious monster (hey, they actually had a real conversation, which made him hers) would be there. Obviously, this was the place to not be.
And in true masochistic style, Nell Tu was determined to ignore all the obvious points highlighted in italics and turn up for the play.
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Aizen Sousuke was excited. Of course, as an Evil Dark Lord, he was not allowed to display his excitement in any way other than the one that requires him to throw back his head and laugh evilly over a newly invented Doomsday Device. And since Aizen Sousuke did not want to mess up his hair by throwing his head back (and since he did not own a Doomsday Device anyway other than Hogyoku, which was frankly too small to be something he could laugh over), Aizen Sousuke found himself sorely lacking in ways to express his excitement (he had thought of starting a new trend, but since he was practically the only Dark Lord around, it would have been difficult for a new trend to catch on since there was no one else to catch it on).
The excitement was catching on too. Despite the fact that everyone was squashed against everyone else in the tiny tent Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname had set up, the arrancar were obviously as excited as he was. Some were so excited they were falling asleep (and eating each other in their sleep).
At any rate, despite the fact that he looked extremely calm, cool and collected as is expected of an Evil Dark Lord (with all the capital letters and everything), Aizen Sousuke was frankly as excited as a little boy with matches and a lot of things to burn.
The reason for his unobvious excitement was that in a couple of minutes, the Hueco Mundo Theatre was going to perform gargle gargle's Romeo and Juliet (the Abridged Version because the Original One is too Long-Winded). Aizen Sousuke loved Romeo and Juliet (the play, not the people). He had cried the first time he had watched the play.
"It's going to be wonderful," he announced to the arrancar next to him (conveniently forgetting that it was Ichimaru Gin who had directed the whole play).
"Yup," the arrancar replied cheerfully. "There are rapacious monsters in there alright."
Aizen Sousuke paused and studied the tiny arrancar who was practically sitting on his lap. A part of him (the one every one acquires once they reach child-bearing/child-rearing age) wanted to ask the little arrancar where she (Aizen Sousuke peered at the arrancar in an effort to confirm its gender without having to make the arrancar undress) had learnt such words. But then the Other part of him (the one every one acquires once they develop into a fully functioning Evil Dark Lord) insisted that it really wasn't his business. So, he settled it by simply nodding hesitantly.
"Yup, rapacious monsters," he confirmed.
"Uh huh," the tiny arrancar said solemnly. "I've got my own rapacious monster in that play. It's going to chain me up and whip me."
Aizen Sousuke's mind tried to wrap around this. "Uh… which one… never mind, I don't want to know." He shuddered then scolded himself for shuddering because EDL do not shudder.
"It's going to start soon," the arrancar said excitedly. "Man, this is going to be so fun! Like sex!"
Aizen Sousuke's jaw dropped and he had to hurriedly close it before anyone else noticed. "Like… sex?"
"Yup. Like sex."
"You… you have had…"
"Oh! It's starting!"
Still in a daze, Aizen Sousuke stared at the stage, too stunned to push the little arrancar off when she scrambled on his lap to get a better view. "Oh good…" he said faintly then settled down to watch.
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Gargle Gargle's Romeo and Juliet (The Abridged Version because the Original One is too Long-Winded), edited and directed by Ichimaru Gin, staring Ichimaru Gin, Inoue Orihime and a Very Nervous Tousen Kaname
Enter Chorus made up of Very Nervous Tousen Kaname, exquisitely handsome in orange tights and green puffed sleeves
Chorus: Once upon a time, in a distant city with a name that sounds like a foot disease in the real world, two households, both alike in dignity, from ancient grudge break to new mutiny. Thus they always tried to kill each other, very unsuccessfully, I may add. And from their fatal loins sprang two lovers with death-marked love, who had evidently crossed the stars in some way or the other. How you anger a huge ball of gas and light, I do not know. Either way, knowst that it is not important. Know only that they, the couple who had miraculously crossed the stars, had met in an ill-fated party and that they had fallen in love. For those who know not who 'they' are, 'they' are Romeo and Juliet (not the play, the characters). And because everything else before that is unimportant, the play shall start with Romeo sneaking into the Capulet House to meet Juliet.
Chorus exists, looking Very Nervous and Very Flustered.
Enter Romeo made up of Ichimaru Gin, looking absolutely splendid in pink tights and a peacock feather in his very medieval looking cap.
Enters Juliet made up of Inoue Orihime wearing something that looks like a white bedsheet (she had ran out of cloth after making both Tousen's and Ichimaru's costumes). Juliet stands in the Balcony.
Romeo: What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou her maid art far more fair than she. I.e. you are one hot chick, Juliet. And for those who don't realize it yet, I see Juliet up in her balcony! Oh that I might touch her, and kiss her, and do other even more inappropriate things to her, for she is so beautiful that her eyes and cheeks doth shine!
(Off stage, an arrancar shouts, "No she doesn't! It's just the spotlight! You've got it wrong Ichim… I mean, Romeo! It's not…" before another arrancar proceeds to eat it)
Juliet: Ay me.
Romeo: She speaks.
(Off stage, another arrancar shouts, "Yeah, yeah, state the obvious, you stupid…" and gets eaten by another arrancar.)
Romeo: (continues speaking even though there is a twitch developing in his eyebrow) Oh speak again, bright angel for thou art glorious to this night, being o'er my head as in a winged… winged (appears to hesitate)… something unto… (appears to hesitate again) something… of mortals that (displays a relieved smirk) that fall back to gaze on … (appears to hesitate)… bosom of the air.
Juliet: (tries very hard not to giggle) Oh Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
(Off stage, yet another arrancar shouts, "He's beneath you, Orihi… Juliet! He's beneath you! Can't you sense his reiatsu?")
Juliet: (giggling and looking very flustered) Deny thy father and refuse thy name…"
(Off stage, a whole group of arrancar chorus, "One, two… Romeo's beneath you! Use Pesquiza to sense him!" And then another group of arrancar shouted, "She's not an arrancar, you idiot! She can't use Pesquiza! On the count of three, everyone yell, 'Just lean over and you can see him, Juliet!'")
Juliet: Or if thou wilt not, be but…
(Off stage, everyone yells, "Just lean over and you can see him, Juliet!")
Juliet: (looks very lost, leans over and peeps at Romeo) Eh… hello I… I mean… Romeo…
(Off stage, the whole crowd murmurs, "Finally spotted him, she did. Humans have really bad eye-sight.")
Romeo: (looks very shocked, like a director who's play has just gone totally off the script) Oh… uh… hi Juliet.
Juliet: (appears embarrassed) Oh. Um. Yay! Eh… nice… tights.
Romeo: (looks distinctly ill) Thank you, Juliet. Um… nice bed sheet.
Juliet: (grinning happily) Oh really? Yay! Thanks! I made it using Kana… I mean, the Chorus's bed sheets.
Chorus: (off stage) You used my… what do you mean you used my…"
Romeo: (looks very annoyed) Wonderful, Juliet! I believe I am in love with you.
Juliet: (looks relieved) Oh yes! Me too. I'm in love with you even though you really aren't as good looking as Kurosa… ah… ah… I mean, I love you.
Romeo: (looks even more annoyed) Great. We shall now exchange sweet nothings and nice pleasantries…
Enter Capulet (father) made up of Very Nervous Tousen Kaname wearing a badly made wig.
Capulet: You shall not marry him! (trembles and shivers and looks very ill)
Romeo: (gapes open mouth) Is… is it…? I mean… what are you doing here, Mr. Capulet?
Capulet: Huh? Isn't it my turn to…? (checks script inconspicuously) Damn! (in a whisper) Oh damn! I forgot! I'm sorry Romeo, I totally messed up my script! I'm supposed to be the Friar after you leave, right? I'm… oh damn, oh damn! I'm so sorry! I forgot! I… I…
Romeo: (in a frantic shout) Shut up Capulet! I shall not listen to you! Instead, I shall kill myself! (grabs a random bottle labeled 'beer' and chugs it down enthusiastically) O my love, my wife! Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath… hic… hath no power yet upon to conquer thy beauty… hic… thou art not conquered (gestures lovingly at a very flustered, very vertical Juliet) and all that romantic shit. Oh true apoca… apoth… apothecary! Thy drugs are quick… hic! Thus with a kiss I die. (blows a kiss at the audience and collapses on the stage)
Juliet: (looking very flustered and very alive) Eh… oh no, Romeo's dead!
Romeo: Hic.
Juliet: Go, get thee hence, for I will not away… eh… Father.
Capulet: (looking very relieved) Aye. Away. Eh… bye.
Capulet exits.
Juliet: What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand?
(Off stage, an arrancar shouts, "It's a bottle! And it's at the other end of the stage from your true love's hand!")
Juliet: (pulling on a very brave face) A bottle at the other end of the stage from my true love's hand? Poison… I mean… beer, I see, hath been his timeless end. I will kiss thy lips: haply some poison yet doth hang on them. (stares at the stage from the balcony) Or I would if thou weren't a storey beneath me. Oh happy dagger! (looks around frantically before a dark hand sticks out behind her and passes Shinsou to her) This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die. (stabs herself and collapses)
Enters Chorus.
Chorus: Oh no, Romeo and Juliet are dead. From hence forth, the Capulet and Montague families shall never fight again.
(Off stage an arrancar shouts, "Why?")
Chorus: (with a look of pure bewilderment) It's a human thing.
(Off stage, the same arrancar goes, "Oh, I see.")
Chorus: (hesitates) This is the Prince's line, but I left my coat backstage. Just pretend I'm the Prince. So anyway…
Prince: A glooming peace this morning with it brings; the sun for sorrow will not show his head. Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, and some punished; for never was there a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo. (stares at audience blankly, audience stare back blankly) Eh… The End.
Audience applauds
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Ichimaru Gin gazed into the audience.
Inoue Orihime gazed into the audience.
Very Nervous Tousen Kaname gazed into the audience.
All three swallowed nervously.
"Thank you very much for attending this play," Ichimaru Gin said. "It was a pleasure. Many thanks to our most beloved Aizen-sama for attending. Hail Aizen-sama and all that crap. Anyway…" He trailed off and stared at the silent crowd.
"Many thanks," Inoue Orihime said hurriedly, rallying bravely behind Ichimaru Gin.
"Th… thanks…" Very Nervous Tousen Kaname stammered.
All three bowed nervously.
And the crowd erupted.
Screaming, all three latched onto each other frantically as the crowd roared. With all the screaming going on, it is, perhaps, understandable that it took the actors and actress some time to realize what the crowd was roaring.
"Oh my god, that was so sad!" an arrancar wailed, sobbing big, slimy tears. "That was so tragic! They died!"
"Let this be a lesson against alcoholism!" another arrancar said primly, dabbing away at tears.
"Never drink and fall in love at the same time!"
"Oh lord, the tragedy!"
"You summarized Romeo and Juliet to less than five minutes minus all that hesitant pauses!" Aizen Sousuke screamed, eyes wild with delight. "Oh my god, you are a genius, Gin!"
"My rapacious monster died!" Nell Tu wailed, burying her face in Aizen Sousuke's coat. "My poor rapacious monster died! Oh no!"
"Encore! Encore!"
"Bravi bravi bravissimi!"
"Bravo!"
"Hey! Who pushed me?"
"Get lost! You were in my way!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Die!"
Ichimaru Gin beamed into the crowd as it raged inwards in sheer utter destruction. "Oh my," he said. "Thank you. Yes, thank you very much. Oh my… I don't know what to say…" A splatter of various forms of innards splattered onto the stage. "Oh, you are too kind! But do stop throwing your personal effects on the stage. It's dirtying my tights."
"We did it," Inoue Orihime whispered, her eyes brimming with happy tears. "Gin-chan, Kaname-chan! We did it!"
"Yes, we did," Very Happy Tousen Kaname said. "We fulfilled our pledge to assist Aizen-sama no matter what. And we've did it!"
"Gather, my friends, gather," Ichimaru Gin said, his voice bubbling with emotion.
They gathered.
"Let it be known now," Ichimaru Gin said, his voice rising above the chaos and splattering of innards. "Of all plays set in time and space, none can beat those with our face(s). We toil and trudge through mud and rain, and all we feel is grief and pain. Yet when all of time doth end, we discover within our hand(s). A triumph over self and foe, and alls well as well is so."
"Gin-chan…"
"Beautiful, Gin."
"Gin!"
The three un-gathered and stared into the crowd – specifically, at a very flustered looking Aizen Sousuke.
"Do something!" above mentioned Aizen Sousuke roared. "They're killing each other!"
Ichimaru Gin surveyed the crowd. And suddenly, his face brightened. "I've got an idea!" he cried.
"What idea?" Tousen Kaname asked blankly.
"You know, my idea for the long-term plan to keep the arrancar not bored?"
"Oh! You've thought of one?"
"Yeah." Ichimaru Gin shunpo through the crowd and dragged Aizen Sousuke out. "Come on, Aizen-sama! We've got to discuss my plan! Stop playing with your arrancar and go to your room."
"Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot."
"You're welcome."
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"A new religion?" Aizen Sousuke asked skeptically, in the process of smoothing his unruly hair down (after its encounter with an overly hyperactive little arrancar).
"Yeah, it makes sense," Ichimaru Gin beamed. "Religions take up a lot of work, you know?"
"But I'm an atheist…"
"An atheist establishing himself as god, right?"
"Oh…" Aizen Sousuke rubbed his chin. "But…"
"It makes sense," Ichimaru Gin said, grinning an extremely feral grin. "See? First what we've got to do is to make a few new converts. Perhaps we could start with the Espada. Then once they've been converted, we sent them out to convert other people. That's the first phrase of erasing boredom, where the converts spend all their time converting and the non-converts spend all their time trying to escape the converts."
"I see," Aizen Sousuke said thoughtfully, his mind catching on quickly.
"And then following the increase in the number of converts, disputes are going to rise," Ichimaru Gin went on. "People are going to start having huge discussions about the true meaning of religion. This would be because we would make the 'holy text' very ambiguous. So they keep arguing over how things should be interpreted."
"Ah," Tousen Kaname said quickly, because he felt that his input was necessary.
"And then once that's settled," Ichimaru Gin concluded. "They can go out and convert the other dimensions! That's bound to take up time!"
"I see, yes, I see," Aizen Sousuke said, smiling evilly (an expression that is okay for an EDL to display). "And then there's all that worshipping they have to do on top of the usual propaganda events."
"Yes!" Ichimaru Gin cried. "All that praying and kneeling and prostrating…"
"All that singing and reading of scriptures…"
"Yeah, and we could even have like annual events," Ichimaru Gin concluded. "like dancing around bonfires or something. Or the sacrifice of virgins to the gods or something."
"Why," Aizen Sousuke grinned. "Are you volunteering yourself as a sacrifice, Gin?"
Tousen Kaname's jaw dropped and he spluttered, "You're still a virgin, Gin?"
Ichimaru Gin's jaw dropped and he screeched, "Aizen-sama! That was a secret!"
"That's for insulting my hair!"
"I hate you! I hate you!"
"Nya! You can't touch me! Because I'm god!"
"Boys! Stop it!"
"I hate you!"
"Nya!"
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"Gin-chan?"
"Yeah, Orihime-chan?"
"Um… Aizen-sama ordered me to persuade you to come out of the attic. All the howling and sobbing is scaring the lower level arrancar."
"I'm not coming out! He told everyone my biggest secret!"
"It's okay, Gin-chan. I'm still a virgin too."
"Thanks a lot, Orihime-chan."
"But then, I am only fifteen and you're a couple of decades old so maybe…"
"I'm not going to leave the attic ever again!"
"…"
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Okay, it's review time again! But first thing's first, I must state explicitly that I am not anti-religion. Please don't flame me by accusing me of being anti-religious, because I am not. Like I said before, my fics are meant to be read with a sense of humour.
All things aside, I hope you guys had fun, and please do remember to leave a review!
