The evening was like a fog. It was like my life was a movie and I was watching it. Maybe it was because I was tired, maybe it was because I hadn't eaten much, I don't know, but it felt like I wasn't in control of my body and everything that was happening was happening on its own and I was just going through the motions. I heard everyone around me, but I didn't know what they were talking about. I was sweating but I wasn't hot, or at least I didn't think I was. I could feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. I was up to my elbows in the sink trying to clean this dish that had been soaking since this morning. I saw Pony out of the corner of my eye trying to get something to drink.
"Kid, listen," I didn't know why I called him kid, I never did, he hated being called that. "Sorry, Pony." I gulped. What the hell was wrong with me?
"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I'll make it up to you," I pulled my hands out of the water and let out a long exhale. My eyes started to see little white dots all over them. At first I thought I was seeing bugs I glanced around a few times. Then they started to dwindle, and I could see Pony still standing there looking like he'd rather be anywhere but here, " You can use all my reports from school, huh? We've got some of the same teacher, or I'm sure we will. What do you say Pone?" I could feel my hands tremble under the cloth.
"I'm sure you knew how to give the teachers exactly what they wanted, isn't that right Mar?" Steve had a cocky grin on his face. He always made comments like that, and they never really upset me much because I never cared. I ignored him, like usual. This time the only difference was Meghan.
"Anyone ever tell you your an ass? I swear you remind me more of Tim everyday," Meghan spoke up. I figured it was her way of trying to get on my good side. I guess I appreciated the gesture, but I mostly just didn't care. Steve liked being a greaser, and he was damn proud of his rumble record, but he was not a fan of Tim. Tim was a no good hood. Tim jumped people for the hell of it, him and Dallas both really. But the difference between Tim and Dallas was loyalty. Dallas would have any of the guys back always, even if they were wrong. Tim was more of the kinda guy who had your back if it was convenient for him.
I bit back a smile, Steve knew better than to talk back to Meghan in front of Darry, Darry would have his teeth so fast!
"I'd take her up on that Pone, teachers tend to not like greasers much!" Two-bit called from the couch. His voice sounded so far away. I looked his direction but I felt like the walls were closing in on me.
"You may have a thing or two to do with that," Soda spoke up.
"And you don't!" Two-bit called back. "You may have a big part to do with that Two-bit," Soda teased Two-bit. It wasn't even a lie. Two-bit went looking for trouble, in fact he would even fess up to things he didn't do. I'd never tell Two-bit, but I respected that about him. Sure the name greaser may not mean much to most people, and they wouldn't be willing to get suspended or arrested to defend their name, but Two-bit was willing to do what ever he needed to do to keep the Greaser name in place. It was his identity, and sure maybe people thought greasers were no good hoods, but not Two-bit. He may say he's a greaser so he can be a bum and steal things and drink, but if you hung around him enough there was more to him then that, he was a good guy.
"Me? What about you? We all know who really put gum in Mandy's hair, or who tied the basketballs together to look like boobs, the only difference is you've got that innocent face that the all fall for!" Two-bit shouted. I remembered Soda figuring out how to tie the basketballs together. He did it with fishing line. I remember him working on it for hours. What I remember the most about that though was my dad giving him a hard time, he told him that if he spent that much time studying he'd be a lot better off. Soda was the kind of kid who just shrugged things off with a smile. He wasn't one to fight back like Darry and Pony. I remember this was the one of the few times he did fight back.
"You're a smart kid Soda, but come on man, if you don't start applying yourself you'll end up nowhere!"
"Come on dad, you know I'm never going to pass! Thats why I want to work at the DX, so I don't have to waste my skills on pranks, think about it!"
"The DX Soda, the gas station! There's no future there for you. The only thing I'm going to think about is how I can force you, because trust me the things I'm thinking your mother would never stand for."
"Dad, come one I ain't 10 no more, you can't exactly pull me over your knee." Soda reasoned.
"You sure are acting like your ten, punishment has to fit the crime right, you learn that in your history class, if you ever went you would know! If you're acting 10 then you can be punished like you are. Keep getting mouthier kid!" Dad pointed his finger at Soda. Dad wasn't one to threaten either.
"I ain't trying to be disrespectful dad, honest, I just want you to take me seriously, I know I'd be good at it. You're the one who taught me." I remember hearing the pleading in Soda's voice, and I remember hearing the exhaustion in dads.
"You want me to take you seriously? Why would I do that? You put bubble gum in a girls hair, you tied basket balls together like boobs you have d's in almost all of your classes, and Im sure there's more you've done that Two-bit's taken the fall for that I don't even know of. So forgive me if I don't take you seriously yet."Soda looked hurt and dad looked angry. Soda turned away from dad to leave, but dad didn't let him. Him and mom had a rule that you could never leave a room angry.'
"Just let me go dad, we're never going to agree on this, you'll never get it!" Soda tried to pull away from my dads grip.
"Then make me understand bud," Dad raised him voice in frustration. I could tell it scared Soda. He didn't respond well to yelling. Darry was use to it from football.
"It makes no difference dad, try don't try it's always the same lousy grades!" Soda turned away not to face my dad. It was like he was ashamed. "At least when I goof off I get to enjoy it. I'm the funny kid, not the stupid one." Dad reached out and put a hand on Soda's shoulder, but he didn't turn him around to face him. He just left his hand on his shoulder for a long minute.
"I know it's hard. Not all of us can be smart like your mom and brothers. They can't be as good looking as we are," Dad nudged his arm. Soda didn't laugh though.
"I'll make you a deal. Part time, weekends only, and you promise me you won't give up. We got a deal?" Dad pulled Soda back around with ease. Soda smiled and shook his head.
"I'm sorry I yelled," Dad pulled him into a hug.
"I'm sorry I'm not smart," Soda collapsed into my dad.
Next thing I knew there was a crash. I whipped my head around so fast to see what it was I got dizzy. It took me a second to realize they were just wrestling, nothing out of the ordinary. I put my hand to my head hoping I could make the world stop spinning. When I turned to try to ask Pony if we were okay he wasn't beside me anymore. That would have been enough to concern me if I hadn't noticed Meghan beside me.
"Boys will be boys right?" She nudged me arm. I jumped because she scared me, but she was thinking I was still upset with her, which maybe I would be if I didn't have about ten other problems on my mind.
"Glory Mary, I'm just trying to small talk here," she got all defensive, I didn't even know why for a second.
"No, Meghan, you just scared me," I sighed and I pushed myself up onto the counter. I leaned my head up against the cabinet when she opened her mouth again.
"Oh, well," she paused like she was having a hard time with her words. "You did good Mar." I should have taken the compliment, I should have just left it there, but I didn't.
"That's kind of you to say Meghan," I opened my eyes but I didn't look at her, I didn't have time until she started talking again.
"I mean it Mary," she emphasized her words.
"Okay?" I couldn't hide the annoyance in my tone.
"Damn it Mary, I'm trying to move forward here," she slammed her hand down on the counter beside me making me jump again. I hadn't noticed yet but the guys had paused in their wrestling match and were listening to up.
"I honestly don't know what you're so upset about all I said was okay!" I turned on the faucet and stuck my head under it suddenly feeling thirsty.
"I'm trying to have an adult conversation here, I'm trying to be the bigger person, I'm trying to fix our friendship, and all you can do is drink water and say okay!" At this point she was really yelling or it felt that way.
"2 bucks Meghan cries first," Two-bit not really whispered.
"3 says Mary hits her," Steve added.
"Jesus, Mary gets her immaturity from you guys!" Meghan spun around.
"Meghan come on," I moaned kicking off my heels.
"Mary, I'm serious! Darry wants us to work it out!" Meghan said in her high pitched voice.
"Oh well if that's what Darry wants then lets get right too it," I muttered pulling off my heels.
"You know what, I take it back. I don't have a damn thing to be sorry about," Meghan turned off the sink I was trying to drink out of.
"Are ya'll about to fight?" Steve called from the other room.
"Whose playing the victim now Mary?" Meghan sent chills down my spine.
"Jesus Meghan, what do you want me to say? Or better yet, what does Darry want me to say because I'll say it."
"Glory Princess don't get your panties in a wad, of wait, your not wearing any," Two-bit busted out laughing. If I wasn't so tired and annoyed I would have probably laughed along with him. I turned my back to them to finish some dishes. I was sure Meghan went back to Darrys room to tell him I was being rude, I really didn't care in the slightest.
"I'll dry," Pony offered beside me. I gave him a smile. Thankfully Pony was a kid of few words. We didn't need to talk. I closed my eyes as I washed praying to a God I was angry at to not have me pass out.
There was laugher in the room as Pony and I washed dishes, but we were both silent. I wondered if he felt as lost as I did. I hoped he didn't. But the stillness between the two of us made me think there was. His hand met mine under the water in the sink. We left them together under water, and I looked over to him catching a glimpse of his broken face. The tears were about to fall. I pulled him into a hug his head on my chest rocking back and forth. He was almost too tall for me. His tears were quiet at first, but they became muffled sobs soon after. Then the room grew quit, and the laugher stopped. No one moved or looked at anyone, the room was a still as the ocean after a storm. Pony eventually moved to the chair and I handed him water. He didn't say anything, and neither did I. The only sound was a knock on the door. Soda was quick to get it.
"You okay Mary?" Johnny asked, I hadn't even noticed he was in the room.
"Never better," I held onto the wall as I started to walk outside to smoke, I figured I need a fix.
"Excuse me," there was a knock on the door. The storm door was open so only the screen door was closed. If you stood on the front door you could clearly see in.
"It's open," Steve offered. Darry shot him a look walking to the door.
"Can I help you?" Darry asked.
"Yes, I'm," he paused struggling with the introduction. That's when I remembered who he was.
"Oh," I spoke surprised he really did come.
"You know him, Princess?" Two-bit leaned from the couch.
"Just met today actually," I started toward him.
"I'm surprised a guy like you would come into the hood like this!" Steve joined in.
"That is a nice set of wheels you got out there," Soda whistled. He just stood there uncomfortable. I didn't have the energy to explain who he was to them.
"Want to go for a walk?" I suggested.
"Good luck getting her to talk," Meghan grumbled. I ignored her, so did everyone else. I started toward him, but I wasn't feel too hot.
"You okay over there, sunshine?" Two-bit called to me.
"Says the guy who just had his ass handed to you by a 16 year old," I looked over at him cold.
"I let him beat me," Two-bit tried.
"You wish," Soda joined in laughing.
"Thank you for the flowers," I smiled at him.
"I'm glad you liked them. My wife picked them out."
"Wife, huh, any kids?" I asked not really sure why.
"Two year old son, and one on the way," he pulled out his wallet showing me pictures. He was beaming with pride.
"Congratulations," I found myself a little jealous of him being a dad. I couldn't explain why, I just was.
"I don't really know what to say right now," he admitted, I was glad he did because I didn't either.
"I guess you can start by telling me what you want me to call you?" I shrugged my shoulders.
"James," He answered quickly. "Aren't you going to ruin those?" He pointed to the panty hose. I didn't even realize that I wasn't wearing shoes.
"That's okay, I don't plan on ever wearing them again." I didn't plan on wearing any of these again. I would just remember the funeral too much. These were the day I said good bye to my parents forever clothes, and I never planned on wearing them again.
"How are you, eh, doing?" James shifted uncomfortable as we walked slowly.
"Excuse my rudeness, but what exactly can I do for you? You were friends of my parents, you want to help us, but how, you want to keep us out of the system? What does that mean?" I asked so tired. I finally just stopped walking and he turned back to face me.
"I'll come to court with you on Friday, I'll speak on the behalf of your up brining. I'll offer mine and my wife's help and home. I'll do everything I can." The look on his face convinced me that he was a good guy, that he meant it.
"Just like that?" I asked in disbelief.
"Just like that." He answered firmly. I sank the ground and sat on the curb not caring if my legs were together or not. I didn't care about anything.
"So we'll stay together?" I asked to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
"Yes," he answered sitting beside me.
"I bet you don't have a smoke on you do you doc?" I needed something to calm down my nerves.
"Sure don't, why do you smoke?" He asked me.
"Yeah," was all I said.
"Why?" He asked me. I have never thought about why, it puzzled me.
"Makes me feel better," I offered closing my eyes.
"Yeah, you don't look too good," He took his coat off and put it over my legs. I wasn't even embarrassed.
"I might be hung over. I had my first few beers last night, they might be my last." I wasn't about to feel like this every time.
"Honey, this is not hung over," he pulled a peace of hair out of my mouth. "You weren't like this, this morning," he told me. I felt dumb, he was right.
"Yeah," I agreed.
"You been sleeping?" He asked me. I shook my head no.
"You're tired and worried, try to relax," he put an arm over my shoulder and I leaned into him after hesitating. I didn't know this man. I knew nothing about him except that he knew my dad, and that he was a doctor. How bad could he be if he were a doctor?
"I know you've got a lot to worry about, but you won't be able to help anyone if you're passing out." We both sat there in complete silence, until I felt my stomach turn. I knew I was about to be sick.
"I'm going to throw up," I told him standing up. It wasn't but a second later I threw up green. All over the sidewalk.
"Sorry," I apologized. I had that bitter taste in my mouth just then, on second thought I was glad I didn't have a weed because I was sure that wouldn't taste good.
"Please, your not even the first person I've seen throw up today," he put his hands in his pockets. He made me feel at ease.
"I guess you're not eating much huh," he handed me his handkerchief. My eyes watered like they always do when you get sick. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. I wasn't sure what to do after you throw up on the side walk.
"Come on," he lead me down the street back away from the house.
"They'd be proud of you," he told me sitting down again. I was glad because I was tired.
"That's what everyone keeps saying," I pulled my knees to my chest.
"You don't think so?" He asked softly.
I shook my head no.
"Well, I knew your dad pretty well, and once he had you four when ever we got together all he talked about was how proud he was of you." His words caught me off guard. i was surprised dad talked to him about us, but never talked to us about him. I wished I could ask him.
"What?" James asked my puzzled face.
"I'm just missing them," I whispered.
"It's funny because I could go months with out talking to your dad, but now that I can't I can't go two minutes with out thinking about them." He spoke the truth, I couldn't stop thinking about them either.
"It'll get better, though," I said off of reflex.
"Yeah, it will, time will tell. Don't rush it though. Let the emotions run their course."
"You lost someone before?" I asked him.
"I'm a doctor, people die all the time, but no not anyone I'm close to. I wasn't close to anyone until I met my wife. I never knew my parents or my siblings." I wondered what was worse experiencing loss or never feeling love.
"Wow," was all I could say.
"I know, but you get use to it. That's how I know you four will be okay, and I'll help you." He sounded so confident.
"Do you believe in God?"
He smiled before he answered, "yes."
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"Hey," I looked up at Meghan when she came in my room. Truthfully I had been enjoying the peace, I had even closed my eyes for a few minutes.
"What?" I asked her when she didn't respond.
"Just your sister," She sighed plopping down on the bed beside me. I got off when she got on.
"What, I'm not going to jump on you," She laughed, but when I didn't she stopped quickly.
"It's just Pony's, he's right," I sighed knowing this wasn't about to go well.
"Right about what?" Meghan didn't follow.
"Their rules."
"Whose, your parents?"
"Yeah," I opened the door to my room.
"You've got to be kidding me," she looked like I had just said something outrageous.
"Soda had sex in his room today!"
"Yeah, but he's not the guardian," I offered with a shrug.
"Exactly, your in charge, you can do what you want," She kneed on my bed.
"It ain't like I want this Meghan," I whispered. "Of course I want to lay with you on my bed, it just ain't right. We've got to set an example."
"And what kind of example is that exactly!" She was starting to get louder, but I knew better than to sush her.
"Pony's only 12, he can't think its okay to have sleepovers, what if he starts asking questions? Or Soda he was a virgin until they died! He wouldn't have done that is they were still alive!"
"You did," she said coolly.
"Not here I didn't, not under their roof!"
"We might not have done it here, but we did it lots of other places," She stood up. "Your car, my dads car, behind the bowling ally, do I need to remind you?" She kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear the way I liked.
"Meghan," I tried to pull away, but she knew how to get me.
"Tell me you don't want it, I know how to make you forget," she kept pushing the right buttons.
I thought about what to say as she unbuttoned my shirt putting her hand on my stomach. I didn't even get a chance to respond.
"Hey Darry, on of Dad's," Pony came around the corner. His face turned redder than a tomato.
"Sorry," he backed away slowly like we were a bear or something.
"Pone," I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't think he'd buy that we were just talking.
"So what, this isn't the worst thing that's happened today," Meghan shrugged kissing me again.
"You don't get it, this is my family. These messes I have to fix!" I stepped back this time. The embarrassment I felt fueled me a little.
"You're worrying too much!" Meghan pleaded.
"And you don't get it." I sighed a frustrated sigh.
"So where does that leave us?" Meghan asked making my heart stop.
