I walked in the door still in a bit of a daze from talking to James, I wasn't sure how I felt about out conversation. I wish I felt relieved, but I didn't. I wished I believed that it'd be as easy as he said it would be to keep us all together, but something told me other wise.
I was holding onto the screen door so it wouldn't slam behind me, I saw an illusion of my mom shaking her head saying it was a miracle it was still hanging for how many times it slammed shut.
Meghan walked by me so fast she slammed my fingers in the door, if only that were the least of my problems. Still I felt them pulsing immediately.
"Glory, you really are on her shit list," Two-bit handed me his beer. "Here, better than ice." I knew in my gut something was wrong. I could have sworn I saw tears in her eyes that split second she bolted like lightening. I stood there looking at the door conflicted if I should go after.
"What was that all about?" Soda wondered out loud. I turned and half looked at him and half looked out the door. I hadn't heard her door crank her car yet. I could still catch her. I felt in my gut I needed to go after her, so I did.
"Miss Goodie Goodie here, can't let anyone leave upset,"I heard Steve before I left.
"Meghan," I caught her squatting against the car trying to light a cancer stick. I understood the trouble, I'd tried to light one when I was crying too, our hands are shaking and it's damn near impossible.
"Go away," she mumbled.
"Here," I offered her Two-bit's beer and light the smoke for her. She took it but didn't say anything. Her face broke and she started to cry again, more now. I sat on the ground and leaned up against the wheel, but I didn't speak either. I had an idea of what was wrong, and there's not a damn thing I could say to make her feel better. It'd be better not to try at all.
"I know you've got bigger problems," she choked out. In the spit second I was nodding before I spoke I was thinking about all of our problems, and for some reason I wasn't worried. I was more worried about her and Darry truth be told.
"We've all got problems," I took a sip of her beer she offered. I didn't even want to think about all the germs that had been on that now.
"I thought he was the one, I thought distance was our biggest problem. I never though that him coming back would end it." She kicked her legs out and sat on the ground too. I didn't say anything I just nodded my head.
"He said he was worried about what it would look like if I slept over, for Pony being so young and for Soda thinking its okay to have sex," her face that had gained its composure now lost it again, she sniffled then started to cry again. "I hate it because I can't hate him for breaking my heart." Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was speechless. My parents death was really starting an avalanche.
"Time's going to heal all of us," I told her with out looking at her. She didn't want a sympathetic look, because I sure didn't want one. We sat around not talking for a while. She was probably doing as much thinking as I was. She started to pull herself together, a little at a time. I guess you could only really cry for so long. The tears stopped, her hands relaxed, and she tossed the beer bottle into the bushes. I made a mental not to myself to go pick that up at some point. Last thing I needed was that prude from social services to find it. Two-bit would have been horrified.
"Want me to drive you home?" I asked her standing up.
"No, I'm okay," She took my hand and stood up. She didn't waste much time getting in her car.
"Hey," I told her as she started to pull away. She paused. "You can only go up from here," I shrugged my shoulders, I heard someone tell me that, I thought I could regift it.
I walked back in the house, and it was much quieter now, I didn't realize it right away but Pony was asleep leaned up against Steve. I wish I could have captured that moment to show them when they are giving each other grief, but even the biggest ass hole would know not to give him a hard time today. I walked back to Darry's room. I knocked waiting until he opened it. As he opened it I just went in for the hug. He didn't hug me back right away. At first he just stood there limp. Then he ended up hugging me back, the way I hugged Pony earlier. I felt his grip loosen on me, I backed up but neither of us made eye contact.
"I'm beat and its only 8," Darry broke the silence. I was thankful he did.
"I know, I'm just ready for this day to be over," I admitted through a sigh.
"You can say that again," he uncomfortably stood against the door. I didn't know why we were uncomfortable. It wasn't the first time I had stood at his door, It wasn't the first time I had given him a hug.
Xxxxxxxx
I woke up when I felt my head touch something soft. I opened my eyes and felt Darry's arms letting go of me.
"Darry," I whispered waking up more.
"Shh, go to bed Pone," Darry whispered. I heard Soda shifting around his bed. I was comforted knowing he was in here too.
"Night guys," Darry said leaving us in the darkness.
"Soda," I whispered.
"I'm right here kiddo," He assured me like he knew I needed him here. "rest easy kid," he told me. I closed my eyes, but I realized the more I laid there the less tired I felt. The more I worried, the more I was scared, the more I was ready for morning.
I started to think about death, but not in a creepy morbid way, more of a what did it mean philosophical way. Where were my parents exactly? I started to think about them just being in the ground cold and afraid. Then I thought how ridiculous I was being, they were dead it wasn't like they were aware of anything. The curiosity turned to just plain sadness. I thought I had been sad before, but now I knew until recently I didn't even know what sadness was. I had never seen so many people crying before, but why were they crying? Because they couldn't be as sad as us, they just couldn't. Even if they were crying as much they couldn't be feeling like we felt. Was any one feeling the way I felt? The more I thought about the more I realized no one seemed as upset as me. Especially Mary, she couldn't understand, she was never around anyway.
I shifted around in my bed confident in my conclusion that no one really knew how I felt. I didn't even realize that my eyes had closed when the room started spinning. Everything looked like a slide show from one picture to the next, but by the time I made out the picture it changed. It was all so fast, then I start to hear screaming, shrieking, crying, it sounds like a horn, or maybe sirens I can't make it out. My heart is pounding my head is pulsing.
"Pon!" I hear my name, I look but I can't see anyone. "Ponyboy!" I hear it again, it sounds like Soda.
"What's going on!" I hear an other voice, it sounds like Darry.
"Wake up Pone," someone's shaking me. Is it Soda?
Am I dreaming? I force open my eyes sitting up like I'm on fire.
"Easy, easy, you're okay now." Mary soothes me. I look around the room disoriented.
"What-" was all I could manage panting.
"It was just a dream," Darry offered. There was no just, it might not have been real, but it felt real. My heart may have slowed down but my head was still pounding. We all sat there silently, but I knew they were all thinking the same thing. They were thinking I was crazy, I was starting to think I was too.
I was starting to notice I was drenched. My clothes were wet, the sheets were soaked, and I could taste salt water trickling down into my mouth. I hoped it was sweat, but I wasn't even certain.
"You okay now Ponyboy?" Darry asked cautiously. I didn't know. I didn't respond.
"Why don't you change and you both crash in my room?" Mary suggested. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to sleep. "I'll change the sheets then sleep in here," Mary opened a drawer and handed me some clothes. I took them still confused and not knowing what to say.
"I don't want to sleep no more, I'm not tired." I tried to sound strong like I knew what I was saying, but I knew he wouldn't buy it.
"You gotta sleep Pone," Darry spoke up.
"I'm not tired, I'm awake now," I argued.
"I bet when you hit the pillow you'll change your mind, you look tired." Soda agreed with Darry.
" 'sides, my bed is way better than yours," Mary joined in.
"I'm not sleepy," I gave it one last attempt.
"Don't be ridiculous Pony, we're all tired." Darry's word sounded harsh, but Soda's more gentle words came right after.
"Come on pal," Soda led me out. So looked so exhausted. I felt badly for waking him up.
"I'm sorry Soda," I whispered to him as he stumbled into Mary's room turning on the light. I felt like I was five years old again.
"We all have bad dreams, don't worry," he pulled back the sheet and I got in.
"I hope you feel better Pone," Darry said before turning off the lights. I was laying on my back looking at the ceiling. Soda was on his side facing me. I must had looked as scared as I felt for Soda to see it in the dark.
"You still scared pone?" He asked me. Yes. I thought to myself
"You're safe kid," he pulled me in close and kissed the top of my head like Dad did. "We're going to be okay," he repeated like I heard Mary say earlier. The only difference was I didn't believe him.
Xxxxxxx
I left Mary changing the sheets in the middle of the night. She refused my help, I was grateful because I thought I was tired, but there's something about hearing your kid brother scream for his life that is unsettling in your stomach. Especially when there's nothing you can do about it. It doesn't go away when he did either. I hoped with how tired I was the second my head hit the pillow my eyes would close, but I was mistaken. I found myself tossing and turning wishing day break would hurry up.
Finally, after I couldn't take it anymore I accepted defeat and headed to the kitchen. Not much to my surprise I saw Mary with her nose in a book at the kitchen table and the coffee pot on. I smiled when I saw her. She was sick with worry like me, it was almost comforting to know it wasn't only me.
Things are easy with Mary. We can sit in complete silence and not have it be weird. She don't ask questions and she don't talk a lot. I stood there watching her in silence. It looked peaceful, she looked relaxed, I wondered how. She noticed me standing there and looked up.
"Couldn't sleep?" She asked me in a way that sounded like a question, but it also sounded like a statement. I didn't respond, I just pulled out a chair across from her. She looked up at me out of the corner of her eye, but she didn't say anything. I made a fist and leaned my cheek into it propping myself up with my elbows. I could feel an imprint forming. I was debating in my mind if I wanted coffee. Once I drank the coffee it was sure fire thing that I wasn't going back to bed, and I wasn't ready to commit to that.
As I watched Mary I noticed she hadn't turned the page the whole time I had been sitting there. In fact, her eyes weren't moving. They looked like they are fixed on something like she was deep in thought. She didn't even see me looking at her right away. I wondered what she could be thinking about. I wondered if I should ask her. My dad would have.
Mary was a daddy's girl, she could do no wrong in my dad's eyes. Her and Mom were different though. It wasn't that they weren't close, our whole family was pretty close for the most part, but Mom and Mary would bicker. Mostly about dumb things like clothes, friends, and school. Dad was never really around when they would, and I'm sure mom told him about it, but it wasn't like he was around when they happened. Mary was just so passive, that's what drove my mom the craziest, mom would say, "You're friends are bad influences," and Mary would just say, "you don't pick your friends." My dad had such a happy go lucky personality he didn't mind it, they would usually agree on pretty much everything. I can't ever remember them fighting. Mom just worried, all the time about everything. Looking at Mary now, I was starting to think Mom rubbed off of her.
Mary wasn't one to complain, I think that's why her and dad got along so well, maybe why her and Soda do too. They could just feed off each other. I wasn't like that. I didn't know how to sit there and just pull words out with out saying something stupid.
But I felt like I needed to say something, what else was there to do?
"You ain't tired Myra?"I tried calling her what my dad called her. She looked up from her book.
"It's near 7," she told me with out looking up, like she had already looked at the clock.
"How long have you been up?" I knew she was just going to dodge my questions.
"I'm okay Darry," She smiled at me standing up and walking over to the sink.
She started cleaning off the counters that already looked spotless to me. Again, just like my mom.
I saw her fiddling with Franki's class ring around a chain on her necklace, it was like she was contemplating whether or not to take it off. Personally I wished she would just get mad at the kid and throw the damn thing down the drain, but Mary wasn't one to get angry. I opened my mouth to say something, but she beat me too it. She handed me some tea, "rest your eyes a bit Darry, everything fine," she looked like she really meant it. I moved over to the couch and the next thing I knew I was out.
When my eyes opened again it was like a whole new household. I smelled some kind of dish and I heard laughter. There was a blanket draped over my legs, and I saw my tea still on the table. It was like a dream. I was surprised to see the sun shine through the window, how long had I been asleep?
The first thing I saw was Mary standing on the counter cleaning the tops of the cabinets. At first I my instinct was to ask her if she lost her damn mind, then I remembered I was suppose to be a guardian so I stood up and walked over to her to help he down, but I was distracted before I got there. Pony, Soda and Two-bit were at the kitchen table looking at some magazine, I hoped liked hell it wasn't a playboy. Two-bit knew better than that, right? Did he have a beer in his hand? Did Soda? Was I loosing my mind?
"What's going on?" I asked quickly.
"Morning sleepy head!" Two-bit sang. "Johnny here was just saying how he didn't think you'd wake up until dinner."
"What time is it?" I asked looking at the stove. "2:15!"
"Don't worry, you ain't missed much," Pony offered from the table.
"What magazine is that, and that better be Pepsi in those bottles, glory what would you do if the state walked in unannounced right now, huh?" I didn't mean to sound as angry as I was. But I knew I was right.
"Lighten up man! Ain't no lady from the state going to show up!" Two-bit slurred. Was he drunk before 2?
"Hey, knock it off Two-bit, if you want to get drunk then you better do it somewhere else, I'm trying to raise kids here," I hissed.
"Come on Dar, don't be like that, we're just cutting up. Two-bit ain't drunk," Soda's smile was fading.
"Yeah, what are you drinking huh?" I reached over and pulled the beer out of his hand. It was almost empty. I was really getting angry now. "And what is this!" I reach over and grab the dirty magazine. When I saw it , it light the match to my already raging fire.
"Is this what it's going to be like? I turn my back and this is how you Neanderthals act? Drinking and looking at porn, and if that's not enough in front of Pony?" I poured his beer down the drain and threw the magazine in the trash.
"Hey," Pony spoke up like he was going to defend himself.
"I wouldn't if I were you, you've got a voice don't you? Did you ever tell them to stop?" I pointed my finger at Pony. Mary now jumped down from the counter to say something but I didn't give her time.
"And you, you didn't think you should intervene! You're suppose to be helping me! As if it isn't stupid enough to be standing on the counter you turned the other cheek when your little brothers are being equally as stupid? What was your plan to tell the state, please I need a good laugh!" There was no stopping me now, pandora's box had been opened.
"Darry," Soda sounded pleading.
"Ya'll wouldn't have pulled this crap with mom and dad, so why me, huh?" I was still yelling, I was still angry. The only thing different was now Soda got equally as angry.
"Would you quit brining them into everything! Jesus Darry! I mean I can't go five minutes with out thinking about them and you have to keep brining them up! Stop comparing you to them, you ain't them! His anger was like the extinguisher to mine. I immediately grew silent. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room now. It was painful, and I was sure we were all feeling it. Steve walked in with smile on his face, but it dropped when he saw the rest of our faces.
"What's going on?" He asked concerned.
"Good, you're all here, look I'm only saying this once," I swallowed hard then paused knowing I had all of their attentions. Pony looked like he was about to cry he was so scared, Soda looked like he was so angry he might punch someone. Mary, well you never know what Mary was feeling.
"Ya'll think the state won't check in, but your wrong. You think you can't be taken, but you can. You think this can't get worse, but it can. So act like you got better sense. You're right I'm not Dad and I'm certainly not mom, but if they saw you guys right now, they be even more disappointed than I am right now. Especially you," I pointed to Mary shaking my head walking over to dad's chair. I partially wanted to storm out of the house in anger, but I had never seen my parents do that before. So I collapsed down hard with my back to them and my paper in hand.
"What the hell happened to cause all this?" Steve asked as there was a knock on the door. I got up to get it, thankful for a distraction. When I saw who it was I turned around to see Mary, who was now scrubbing the floor.
"Looky here," Two-bit hooted from his chair. "Can you believe this tool had the nerve to show up around here?" That got Mary's attention she walked over to the door.
"Impeccable timing Franki," she pushed by me opening it. "I would have rather it been the lady from the state."
"I'm not trying to stir anything, I just came by to get my stuff."
"The nerve of this guy," Soda mumbled.
"Of course, because you only ever have good intentions. Come on in, I'll get everything." Mary had this impressive way of being the bigger person. I needed to learn from her.
"I'll wait out here." He wasn't completely stupid.
"That's probably for the better, you're not too popular around here," she let the door slam and walked back to her room. She wasn't gone longer than a hot minute before she returned with an arm full of stuff, including the shirt I had seen her in this morning.
"Here," she said through the screen. We were all watching her, even though no one was speaking. I was sitting in Dad's chair holding up the paper, but I wasn't reading it. The guys were doing the same with the T.V.
Franki opened the door and handed her some of her stuff. "I made you that Franki, you can keep it," She pushed it back in his arms.
"I don't want it. Truthfully I only came for the ring." I felt my insides twist when he said that.
"Soda, go out there," Pony pushed Soda. Soda still looked like a kicked puppy. Maybe I did come down on them too had. I knew Soda didn't respond to being yelled at.
"Wow, its like I'm surprised to hear you say that, but then I'm not at all either." Mary snorted.
"I figured you'd still be wearing it," he touched the ring around her neck.
"Just take it off," she turned around for him to unfasten it. It took him awhile. "Whose it for anyway, you any Sylvia really moving that fast? Dally will be out of jail at some point you know."
"Not everyone is as slow as you Doll Face, and I ain't afraid of Dallas," Franki seemed confident, overly confident.
"You should be," Steve growled from behind me.
"Can you believe this smart ass." Two-bit chimed in.
"Franki," Mary hissed as time progressed.
"Sorry, it's more complicated than a bra, I haven't had as much practice!" He kept trying and failing.
"You're such a pig, just stop!" She pushed him back and just pulled the necklace off braking the clasp. "Just go, Franki, just leave," I heard Mary's voice crack. That was enough, I moved toward the door.
"Aw, I hate to leave you upset," he went in for a kiss but she pushed him away pretty quick.
"If you know what's good for you, you won't be coming around here ever again," I told him as he walked off out lawn.
"You don't have to say it," Mary told me as she walked by me into the house.
"Say what?" I asked.
"You don't have to tell me I'm stupid for trusting him, I already know, just let it rest," she pulled open the stove and pulled out the dish. It smelled real good. She then picked up about 6 plates and stuck a spatula into the casserole. "Whose hungry?" She said hiding most of her edge. Everyone except for me managed to utter some sort of response. She handed them out then went to sit on the couch across from me. The guys all shot each other glances, but no one said anything. Two-bit laid on the couch and stuck his head in Mary's lab. He laid his dish on the ground.
"I hate that kid, I can't wait for Good-ole Dally to come back and hand it to him," Two-bit stated.
"Me neither," Marry added.
"Here, you can have my beer," Two-bit didn't sit up he just stuck out his arm.
"And they say greasers can't be kind, damn Two, what next? Are you gonna give me your kidney?" She took it and started drinking it. I felt like they were both defying me an taking a stand when they said that, but a part of me wished I had been the one to give her the beer. I was already starting to be bad cop day 2.
