We got back from James' real tired. They gang pretty much all headed out and we were alone in the house. This was the first time that we'd be alone in the day, alone meaning just the four of us. Sure, we'd been alone at night, but even then Jonny and Steve had been on the couch a few times. A lot of times I'd work late, same with Darry, so we hadn't really been together to realize how uncomfortable it was in our own home until now. Personally I had tired not to think about it, I stayed busy and would think about anything else. But, for some reason right now I couldn't think of anything else to think about. I was so consumed by how uncomfortable I was. I looked around to see if the guys were too. Darry was reading something at the kitchen table, Soda was staring at the floor with a blank expression on his face, Pony was staring at the TV that wasn't even turned on.
"Can you turn on the TV Pone? It's too quiet," I asked him.
"Sure," Pony mumbled leaning over and turning it on. Soda was still staring at the floor. I didn't know what to say. A part of my knew I needed to get him away from Pony if I wanted to try to help him, but an other part of me knew that getting Soda away from Pony would hurt Pony. It was a catch 22, so I just let it be. I started to scrub the floor.
"You already did that yesterday," Darry offered from the table.
"So?" Was all I could say. I wanted to tell him to bite me, but I didn't figure that was in the best interest of this family.
"This is my point, I think you all should go back to school," Darry said out of the blue, but I could tell he had been thinking about it for a while. I thought for sure this would get Soda's attention, but he didn't seem to have even heard.
"I don't want to go back," Pony whined.
"Aw come on Pone, you love school," Darry added. He looked at me like he wanted me to help him out. He widened his eyes at me.
"We need to go back soon so we don't get too far behind," I tried to sound sure, but I wasn't. I didn't want to go back.
"I don't want to," Pony said quietly.
"I know Pone, but we ain't got a choice." Darry mumbled
"Are you listening little buddy?" Darry nudged Soda's foot.
"What?" Soda jerked his gaze up at us jumping a little like he had just been woken up from a dream.
"Darry wants us to go back to school." Pony filled him in. Soda's face went from dead to very much alive in second.
"It's too soon," Soda disagreed adamantly.
"It's almost been two weeks, you don't have to go the whole day at first." Darry was trying to be reasonable.
"It ain't even hardly been a week," Soda added some attitude.
"Maybe we should try," I wanted to help out Darry I knew he didn't want to fight.
"I'm not ready," Soda said adamantly. He was trying to leave no room for debate, but Darry wasn't having it.
"When will you be ready?" Darry asked plainly.
"God Darry, I don't know! They just died, I can't even think about anything else!" Soda started to get upset, and next thing I knew Pony was too.
"We're never going to be ready, but we have to go back at some point," Darry tried to reason. He hadn't learned from Mom and Dad that with teenagers there was no way of reasoning with them. He tried to comfort them both by sitting on the couch beside them, but Soda had made Darry out as the enemy of this conversation.
"Pone can you go shower?" I asked him smiling, but I knew he noticed I was too tired to smile. He knew something was up, he caught on to things real quick.
"I showered last night." He wasn't really complaining he was just explaining.
"Yeah, but I hate the smell of court room, I figured we could bunk together?" I tried a little harder to smile more. I was talking out of my ass, I really just wanted him out before this conversation got heated. I was thankful that Pony listened, and that Soda and Darry kept their mouths shut until the water was running.
"How about Monday? Take the rest of the week and the weekend off then go back Monday?" Darry tried.
"I don't know Darry, why are you yelling!" Soda was the one that was actually yelling.
"I'm not trying to yell, but you gotta work with me, kid. You realize you have to go back to school right? You know how important it was to," Darry started before Soda cut in.
"To Mom I know, but she's dead, and it ain't like she cares now." Soda's voice was steady but there were a couple tears streaming down his cheek.
"Soda," Darry hissed exhausted.
"What, Darry!" I knew Soda's anger was a cover up to prevent him from being sad. It's easier to be angry than sad.
"You don't get to use their death as an excuse to give up," Darry slammed my coffee cup on the table and stood up.
"You don't get to tell me what to do, man!" Soda stood up also.
"I don't know what courtroom you were in today, but the one I was in today said that I do," Darry and Soda were both fuming.
"Just because your names on some paper doesn't mean you can ever be what they were," Soda grabbed the keys out of the dish.
"Where are you going!" Darry called after him.
"Out!" Soda yelled back in a tone I had never head come out of his mouth.
I quickly followed after him, "hey," I caught up to him. I knew he wouldn't drive off right away. He'd been scared to drive since the accident. His fear made him slow down just enough for me to catch up.
"Mary, not now." Soda had angry tears streaming down his face.
"Where are you going, huh? Sandy's? Her parents won't let you over on a school night. Steve's? It ain't late enough for his dad to be passed out? Bucks? That ain't you, never has been and it better never be. We're all you got, so let's work this out, please Soda," I handed him his coat I grabbed on my way out. Soda didn't even grab it before he started hysterically crying. He sank to the ground and I put my hand on his head. I doubted he even noticed. I knew he was upset about much more
"I'm sorry," Soda said in between sobs.
"Shh," I squatted down beside him accepting defeat and sitting on the ground. My heart broke looking at him as devastated as he was. It took about all I had not to break down with him. Slowly Soda calmed down, the shaking stopped, the sobs became more sniffled, and his breathing became quieter.
"Come on, lets go back in," I whispered.
"I can't," Soda whispered back.
"Why not bud?"I pulled his hair out of his eyes. It sure was getting long.
"Darry's, Darry's mad," Soda hiccupped.
"He's not mad Soda. He could never be mad at you, he's just tired and he's hurting. Just like you are. Come on. Let him tell you that himself," I stood up and pulled on his sleeve.
I sure hoped Darry wasn't mad. Neither Darry or Soda were the type to be sensitive or get upset easily. However, they also weren't the type to yell like they were earlier, so I really didn't know.
Xxxxxxxxxx
I just had a fight with my kid brother. The kid who always made me smile and laugh at the crazy things he would always say. I can honestly say we had never fought like that before. Sure, we'd argued and bickered before, but we had never had a flight like that before. We were hitting each other where it hurt then. I watched Mary go after Soda, I wouldn't have gone after him. I was mad at him. Couldn't he tell I was trying to help him? I swore under my breath running my finger over my aching forehead.
"Darry, what's wrong?" Pony came out of the bathroom with only his boxers on. He looked so much younger than 12. He looked so scared and upset.
"Nothing little Buddy, Soda and I just had a little disagreement." I tried to soften my eyes. I noticed that it was becoming harder to smile and to relax my face muscles.
"It didn't sound little," Pony pointed out and I gave him a weak smile. "Com'er," I motioned him over. He come over to me and I pulled him into big hug. My big arms swallowed him. "We're safe kiddo," I told him again. I was also telling myself.
"Go on to bed, wherever you want. My bed, Mary's bed, Soda's bed, or your bed, just pick one. I patted his back as he walked off.
"Hey Darry, don't go to bed angry," Pony looked at me before walking off. For some reason that brought a tear to my eye. I was trying to be tough, but it was getting harder instead of easier. Everything was getting more real, going to work, getting the kids to school, being the bad cop, balancing everything when my heart was still hurting too.
I knew I was soft to be thinking about my heart, and if the gang knew they'd think I was off my rocker, but I wasn't sure how to explain it any other way. I had an empty sorrow in my heart, and I didn't know what to do with it. I felt my eyes burning as the fought the tears that were forming. I saw a shadow at the front door and I felt so relived to see Soda. I looked up at him speechless. He stood on the other side of the door as if he needed permission to come in. Mary nudged him and he opened the door. I knew I was going to have to make the first move, which made sense, I was the adult even though I kept forgetting. I walked to him and opened my arms. He didn't hesitate much to come into the hug. "We'll figure it out tomorrow," I told him as I bit my lip to prevent tears.
