If Mary hadn't stopped me, I'm not sure where I would have ended up. I probably would have gone to Sandy's anyway. Her parents didn't like me none, but I doubt they'd turn me away after my parents just died. I'm not real sure how I would have gotten there. I'd been afraid to drive every since the accident. When I heard the cop describe to his buddy what the car looked like I couldn't get the image out of my head. Even thinking about it just now made me sick to my stomach. When I get behind the wheel it's like I'm having flashbacks, like I was there. I see the wreck happening. It seems so real even though I am imagining it.
I laid in bed bone tired, my eyes begged for sleep but my mind disagreed. My body was so tired it was aching under the covers. I was hot so I pulled off the covers. After a minute passed I was cold again. I couldn't get comfortable. I kept tossing and turning laying still in one spot hurt. I thought about Darry. I thought about what I said and how I hurt him with my words. I remembered saying those words to hurt Darry on purpose, because I was hurting and I wanted someone to hurt with me. I wanted someone to feel what I feel so they could tell me something that would make me feel better because I can't go on living like this. I just couldn't.
Xxxxxxxxxx
I'd probably never been this tired in my life. I would have thought that because I was this tired the second my head hit the pillow I'd be out. Maybe that would be the case if I hadn't just fought with Soda. A week or so ago when Soda and I would argue it wouldn't really matter. All either of us needed to do was let a little time pass and it'd be like it never happened. We didn't have to talk about our feelings or resolve any problems, but I felt like that had changed now. I was an adult now, and I could no longer let arguments escalade like that. I could no longer allow tension in the home, because unlike when your brothers and go to bed angry and wake up relaxed, when your adults problems just don't go away with sleep. I wished Soda and I talked before he went to bed, but he was upset and Mary just ushered him to the bathroom. I hated seeing my family upset. I had this feeling in my stomach that I had never had before, and I didn't no how to make it go away. It was a feeling of unrest. It was like I was nauseous. But it wasn't like the stressed nervous nauseous I would get before a big game, it was more of a sick feeling like I thought something bad was about to happen and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. Was it helplessness? I had never been helpless before.
Xxxxxxxx
Soda leaned into Darry and Darry grabbed him into a hug. I knew their outburst meant nothing. I knew that, and I hoped they knew it too. We didn't fight much in this family. We'd get on each others nerves sure, but there was always enough of us that if we got in a fight with someone we'd just avoid them and wait it out. I was a little worried about our family dynamic now. I didn't know if any of us were strong enough to get through this, well get through it in a way that would make my parents proud. Soda and Darry went their separate ways. Soda went to the bathroom to shower he was covered in dirt, and Darry started back to his room.
"Get some sleep Mar," he told me. I nodded my head at him, but I knew I couldn't sleep. I walked out on the porch and light a cancer stick. I felt it between my fingers. I watched the smoke rise. I didn't even need to inhale it to feel the effect. Sitting in the dark with the only light being in my fingers was calming in itself. After a little while the light became dark. The quiet became scary. The stillness became lonely. That was until a certain Shepard came over that I wasn't expecting.
"Christ, what are you doing out here?" She jumped when she saw me.
"Out of all of the Shepard's I expected to see the others before you," I put the cigarette in my mouth and took a drag.
"Well damn, tell me how much of a shitty friend I really am," Angela pulled out her pack and light up to.
"Better late than never," I muttered just to say something.
"Come on, let's go to Buck's," Angela pulled on my arm.
"No way, have you lost it?" I couldn't believe she had just suggested that. Was she suggesting I sneak out the day the judge told us to behave? As if the last time I was there wasn't bad enough.
"What, it ain't like there's a lot going on here? They won't even miss you, come on!" She persuaded me.
"Angela, you don't get it do you? They're hurting. I have to be here for them!" I didn't know why I was getting angry at her, this was the classic Angela, do what ever you please.
"Yeah, but I'm here for you. Now get up off your ass and let a guy buy you a beer. I'm not telling you to get shit faced, you don't even have to drink the beer, but take it. It'll make you feel better about yourself trust me. I'm saying get off this porch!" Angela surprised me with what she was saying. She never cared about anyone but herself. I knew that and I still called her my best friend.
"Angela, my parents just died, Darry just let go of his dreams, and my two little brothers can't go five minutes with out crying. I can't go out." I felt a tear well up in my eyes. I made sure not to blink so they wouldn't fall.
"No matter what you do you're parents will still be dead. Sitting out here on the porch won't change the fact that Darry ain't going to college. When you get back from Buck's you little brothers will still be just as sad as they were when you left," Angela squatted down in front of me. I wanted to tell her I saw her thong, but I didn't think it was appropriate at the time.
"I can't," I knew it sounded pathetic, but it's all I could figure to say. I could feel my heart racing.
"You're right, you can't keep living like this. You ain't hardly got your shit together, you're a time bomb. I can see it and soon your family will to. You gotta relieve some stress, and what better way to relieve stress than by having a guy buy you drinks and tell you that you're pretty?" she paused briefly like she was letting me think about what she was saying. "Now, let's go. I promise we don't have to stay long." I couldn't help it. I believed her. I fell for it. I went with her to Buck's.
She drove us to Buck's, but I had a feeling that I would be walking myself home. It wasn't a long walk, but I tried not to make it a habit of walking in the dark alone.
I'd been to bars with Angela and our other friends plenty of times, I liked the social aspect of it. I didn't need to drink because everyone else was, so no one noticed if I was drinking or not. Tonight was different. I didn't feel like it had felt in the past. I use to sneak here because Franki would be here, and I wanted to be with him. Him and I would dance, and we would laugh. He'd show me off like I was the queen, but then he'd take a swing at anyone who made a pass at it. In the early days of out dating we always went to Buck's. But as time passed, and he already got me to be his girl we stopped dancing and laughing, he kept wanting me to drink and to make out with him in front of his buddies. I didn't really feel bad about going to Buck's because my parents never told me not to go to, and they never asked a lot of questions. They never really liked Angela though, they wanted me to make new friends.
"Myra, we do like Angela, your mother and I would just feel better if you branched out a little and made more friends!" Dad told me sitting on the edge of my bed. I could feel my face getting flushed knowing where this conversation was going.
"Oh come on, she's not that bad," I dismissed the thought.
"We just don't want you to develop a reputation honey, Angela she's not known for," Mom started but I cut her off.
"She's known for what Mom?" It wasn't that I didn't know Angela was known for being easy, but I certainly wouldn't let people say it about her. I also knew my mom would struggle getting the words out.
"Mary, do not talk to your mother in that tone," Dad shushed me. He wasn't one to be forceful or to make a bunch of rules, but he would go along with anything my Mom said, and he never would let us speak badly about her or to her.
"Sorry, Ma," I apologized immediately.
"Mary, I care about Angela invite her to dinner whenever she can come, but just try to make some new friends, okay?" Mom asked, but the way she asked was never really asking. She always got her way.
"Just think about it, that's all we're asking," Dad added giving me a smile to let me know we were still friends.
"It's not like I can just make all new friends, and Angela ain't got a worse reputation than Dallas! He's been to jail! " I argued.
Mom and Dad exchanged a look like they knew I was going to say that. "It's different with girls, honey." Dad looked like he was ashamed to say it. I knew it was true, I didn't need them to tell me. It's not like I wanted to be labeled, but no matter what I was going to be, so I felt like it might as well be my choice.
"It shouldn't be," I muttered just to have something to say.
"I know, honey," Mom kissed the top of my head before walking out of my room. The look on my mom's face looked like she was in pain. Like she hated to say it. It was as if she wished it wasn't that way. I hated the feeling of her being upset. It was the reason why I never really talked to either of them much because I didn't want to let them down.
"Mary, get it together," Angela shook my arm. I blinked my eyes disoriented. How did I get in the bar? Why was it so loud? "This is Michael, I told you she was cute," Angela squeezed Michaels arm and then walked away with some other guy.
"Angela said to get you a drink," he handed it to me. He looked at me like he was unsure of me. If only he knew how I felt.
I took it not really knowing what to do with it, he studied me for along minute, then finally spoke up. "You are cute," he smiled at me.
"Thanks," I laughed mostly because I was uncomfortable. I took a sip of the "You don't come around here much, I'd remember you if you did," he scooted closer to me. I took an other sip of my drink before answering, "strict parents, they'd never approve of a lady being in a bar".
"Oh yeah?" He raised his eyebrow at me putting his hand on my shoulder. "I think it's hot you snuck away," he whispered the last part making my heart start to beat faster. I felt my face blush. I leaned back so that I could drink the rest of my drink. He took the empty glass out of my hand and stepped closer making me take a step back backing into the wall. I was trapped and he knew it. He leaned in and went straight for the kiss. When our lips touched I felt my body relax instantly. It was like I was lost in the heat of the moment. It was exhilarating, it was passionate, it made my heart stand still. But, when he pulled back and I saw his face and the look in his eyes I knew it meant nothing. "There's more where that came from, I'll go get a beer," he gave me a cocky grin walking off. I didn't know what to do, so I did the only thing I could think of. I left. I got outside of Buck's in the parking lot and leaned up against the wall panting like I had just run a marathon. I could feel the sweat on my forehead. What the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn't I enjoy a hook up.
"Mary?" I heard my name. I looked over on the steps and saw Curly.
"Yeah," I said trying to sound like I had it all together.
"What are you doing out here?" He asked like it was outrageous that I was outside with the drunk that were passed out.
"Just looking at the stars," I muttered through clenched teeth.
"Yeah, see the big dipper?" He asked walking over to me. I couldn't help but let out a deep painful laugh. I was now at rock bottom when it even hurt to laugh.
"Curly, go away," I didn't even care if I sounded like a bitch.
"Well now you are starting to sound like all the other girls, well at first they all say that," he winked at me. I was too appalled to even say anything. "Here, let me tell you a secret," he told me pulling me into him. I didn't even have time to step back. "I'm better in bed than Franki, how about we let you be the judge of that," he tapped my cheek. I looked at him appalled.
"Christ Curly, get the hell away from me," I pushed him back. For a quick second he looked legitimately hurt. Did he actually expect that to work? Was he stupid? "Just wait you'll change your mind," and just like that he went back to being the same sleeze all of them are. He walked back in Buck's and I was left out there feeling like I'd rather be any place but here, but I couldn't think of any place to go.
xxxxxxxxx
"Rack `em up boys, I'll give you a chance to play for your money back," I snickered taking the cash off the table and putting it in my pocket. I turned to look around taking inventory of the crowd both the ladies and the competition as they set back up. Two girls that shouldn't have been there each for different reasons took me away from my game. "Shit, I have to sit this one out," I told them gruffly.
"Are you kidding me man! Never walk away from a winning streak!" One guy called to me. I flicked him off as I barreled over to Angela, I'd kill her. She had her hand on some guys arm, I didn't even see Mary any more. "Hey fellow unless you want to witness me beat the tar out of my sister I suggest you beat it," I firmly clapped my hand over his shoulder. He fled like a cock roach in sunlight.
"Come on Tim, I wasn't even doing anything wrong!" Angela was red in the face. I knew she was trying to play it off as anger, but I knew that I'd just embarrassed the pants off of her.
"How many times have I told you not to come around here, huh? Espically on a school night. You ass better be in school tomorrow, you've already missed too many days," I pulled her to the side of Buck's, but it ain't like there's a quite place here.
"I came here to help Mary relieve some stress. You told me to go see her!" She pushed my hand off her arm, or tried too. I had too tight of a grip on her arm. I was sure to leave a bruise.
"I told her to visit her not bring her to a bar, what were you thinking!" I got in her face and then I saw it, fear. I could scare her with out even lifting a hand. That was the difference between my parents and I.
"She ain't as innocent as you think. She needed someone to make her forget Franki. She needs a distraction. You ain't a girl, you don't know!" She started to squirm a little.
"She ain't a slut Angela, she don't come to a place like this to find peace in a bottle, and you better not either. Get you ass home. You better beat me there." I raised my voice letting go of her arm. She was gone before I even could look twice. I smiled a little to myself proud of how I handled that. I looked around to find Mary and was surprised to see her making out with a guy I didn't get a good look out. It was a long kiss too. Maybe I was wrong and Angela was right. That though made me angry. Quickly the guy stopped sucking her face and went back to the bar. Mary looked pale and shaky. She looked like she was going to pass out. She looked horrified. I went to go to her, but one of my boys stopped me.
"Tim! There you are I hear you're taking bets on the rodeo!" he stumbled over to me.
"Not right now I'm not," I told him pushing him away from me.
"Why the hell not? I got the money now!" He sounded needy. I didn't have time for him. Normally I would fully take advantage of a guy like him, not tonight, I was distracted.
I looked around and couldn't find her, assuming she left I walked to the door to leave as well. Then I saw Curly up in her face. I saw her give him a shove away looking angry.
"What the hell is going on?" I scared Mary making her jump. Curly wasn't like Angela, he was a lost cause I couldn't scare him. Hell I couldn't even talk to him. He did what ever the hell he wanted when ever he wanted, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
"Nothing, that's what," Curly went inside the bar.
"Angela said," Mary started talking before he voice broke like she was going to cry. She stopped and lit a cancer stick. It took her forever and a day to light the damn thing. "she said if I didn't come here to relive stress everyone would know I didn't have it together." Mary looked at me like she was a victim of assault. "she said she'd be here for me!" Mary was taking it personally.
"She's a shitty friend, come on I'll drive you home."
