Chapter 10
Sitting down on the couch at home felt like the worst thing in the world. My aunt was upset with what I had told her. I couldn't say that I really blamed her. In the end, somehow I knew nothing would have turned out the way we had wanted it to.
"Kuae I thought you were getting better," my aunt said as she paced around the room, "How could you do something so stupid?"
She couldn't even look at me.
"I'm sorry," I said lowly, hanging my head, "Everything happened so quickly and changed suddenly… I'm sorry…"
I had let her down more than anyone else. I knew that my aunt loved me; I could see it every day. I had disappointed her and I felt even worse for it.
My eyes started to burn and tears started forming in my eyes. I had lost everything in one fail swoop. Everything I spent that last years of my life fighting for was suddenly gone. I risked and lost everything just for him…
"I'm sorry Kuae," my aunt apologized, "but after this, you can't stay here. I'll call a boarding school, and after that we'll move you in there."
The tears started to steadily flow down my cheeks. I knew that it was going to happen, but actually hearing the words hurt a lot more.
"I know," I stated, nodding my head.
If my life wanted me to live like this, then I couldn't fight it anymore. I was tired of trying for something and never receiving the award at the end.
'I'm so sorry… for everything I've ever done wrong in this place.'
"You're still welcome to visit when you're in the area," my aunt told me, placing a hand on my shoulder, "I just can't sit and watch you repeat your cycle anymore."
I nodded my head again, not having any more words to say.
If I did have anything to say, it was that I was sorry and I would say it a hundred times over. Taking all the blame was the only thing I could do. I couldn't sit there and let myself screw up someone else's life along with my own. I would rather suffer alone than to drag someone down with me.
"I'll go pack my things," I murmured, getting to my feet.
I had done the right thing… so why was it that I couldn't stop crying?
He stood behind his desk and looked through all the faces of his students. Only two desks were empty… and hers was one of them. As he tried to teach his lecture, he found that the feeling had gotten worse. It was like someone was constantly poking him in the shoulder; trying to get his attention.
"Please read all of chapter seven on your own," he instructed, putting the textbook down, "You may use the rest of the class to get started."
The student started talking amongst themselves in low conversation. So long as they did their work, he wasn't really concerned about it.
His eyes kept wandering to her desk, subconsciously hoping that the next time he looked she would be there. His fingers clenched when he thought about it. What if something happened to her? What if the girl's gang had found her again?
"Damn it," he cursed lowly, turning his head to the window.
He wanted to leave and look for her. He needed to know that she would be safe at home. It was a foolish conclusion; that something like that would happen. It was more than possible that she had just caught a cold.
With a sigh, he calmed himself down. When she came back to the school he would be able to ask all his questions. He would be able to make things right.
I sat on the floor of my room, throwing my clothes and whatever else I could find into bags. It was a hard thing to bear, seeing my room become so empty.
'I guess now it suits its owner.' I thought dryly, stuffing a sweater in with my clothes.
"Ku," Iichi's voice called quietly from behind me, "How come you're packing up all your clothes?"
His eyes were big and his eyebrows pushed together like he was concerned about what I was doing.
"Are you going on another trip?" he continued, coming to stand beside me.
I gave him a soft smile, "Yeah, something like that."
"How long are you going to be gone for this time?"
"I don't think I'll be able to come back Iichi," I told him honestly.
I felt my heart sink when he grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and shook his head.
"You can't go!" he told me, his eyes starting to fill with tears, "I don't want you to go! You have to stay."
"Please don't cry Iichi," I begged him, pulling him into my lap, "I don't want to go either."
"Then why do you have to? Why can't you stay here forever?" he asked me, his small hands grabbing my shirt tightly.
He held onto me as if he never wanted to let go. Wrapping my arms around his small form, I pulled him close to me.
"Ku screwed up Iichi," I explained quietly, resting my head against his, "I made a really big mistake, and now I'm getting what I deserve."
"Tell mommy you're sorry and she'll forgive you," he pouted into my shoulder, "She won't make you go away. Sorry will fix it."
I had to hold back my own tears as this little boy begged for me to stay. I wanted to stay. I wanted that more than anything in the world. This was the family that loved me… this was the place that I belonged and I had to leave it.
"Sometimes saying sorry isn't enough to fix something that happened," I tried to explain, looking down at him, "Sometimes you try your hardest, but things don't always work out the way you want them to."
Saying that you were sorry didn't turn back the clock and erase the fact that it had happened. Nothing could change what had already happened, no matter how much we wanted it to change.
"I still love you Iichi," I promised, holding him tightly, "That's never going to change."
"I love you too Ku," he cried.
This was a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. Saying goodbye should never have been this hard for anyone. It wasn't fair that doing something right would have so many downsides to it.
The rest of the day hadn't been any easier. Iichi had spent all his time clung to my leg. I had to drag him everywhere I went when I moved. It was difficult to walk, but I didn't really have the right to make him let go. Then when my uncle got home and my aunt explained the whole situation, he slapped me across the face. I didn't say a word, merely pushed my brows together at his reaction. I understood his anger; understood why he would do something like that. The only thing he could say to me was that I would be leaving tomorrow.
I spent the night packing everything I could find. When I was all done and took a seat on the bed, looking around the room. It looked so foreign now… like no one had ever spent a couple years living in it.
'Maybe it's for the best.' I thought to myself, falling backward onto my back.
I stared blankly at the ceiling. Even after going through all this trouble and pain, I didn't regret what I had done. I didn't regret a moment of the time I had spent with Sesshoumaru. If it had been something unreal and a game to him, it had been more than real for me. Those moments meant more to me than anyone could have possibly understood. Even now, they wouldn't be taken away from me.
'That seems a little self righteous.' I though with a humorless laugh.
Shaking my head, I rolled onto my side. I couldn't help but wonder if tomorrow would be any easier than this. How long would something like this take to heal? I had wanted the chance to tell him what had happened… The more I thought about going to see him, the more I realized it wasn't a good idea. If he knew the truth – that we had been caught – then he would have turned himself in. He would do what he thought was right and share the blame. I didn't want him to do that; I didn't want him to lose everything because of me.
"I guess there's nothing I can do," I murmured, closing my eyes.
Tomorrow would probably be the longest day of my life.
I stood beside my aunt and uncle as they spoke to the headmaster of the large boarding school. We had driven all day, having left early in the morning. It had to have been at least an eight hour drive to get to the place. They had been the longest eight hours I had ever encountered.
"We have a very nice facility here," the headmaster explained, "I can guarantee that this will be a good place for your niece to sort out her life."
"We're sorry that this was so sudden," my aunt apologized, "We're grateful that you will take her in."
"We have sudden transfers all the time. It's really all about the students here," the headmaster continued before handing my aunt a room key, "That is the key for your niece's room for her dorm. She will be able to get used to her roommates before she attends class in a couple days."
"Thank you."
My aunt and uncle led the way out of the office. I had to admit that this was a very… fancy looking school. It was very much unlike my high school at home.
'This looks like a place for snobby rich kids…' I thought dully, rolling my eyes at the thought.
If that was truly the case, then I wouldn't fit in well here with the other students.
"Do you think you'll be able to like it here?" my aunt wondered, looking back at me.
"It looks like a nice place," I said with a nod, "I'm sure I'll be alright."
We stepped outside the large dorm building; all of us looking at the size.
"This place… is massive…" I stated aloud.
"You'll be lucky if you don't get lost," my uncle commented tonelessly.
The exploring continued as we walked in to find my dorm room. There had to be six different floors with rooms going all around.
"Here it is," my aunt stated as we got to the fourth floor.
As we walked in, there were two girls sitting on a couch watched television. There both looked back at us with some confusion.
I gave them a small wave, "I'm Kuae. I'll be your new roommate."
"Oh yeah, the headmaster said you were coming," one of the girl's with shorter hair stated with a smile, "Welcome."
"Yeah, welcome to paradise," the other girl laughed with her own wave.
"My name's Yurara," the short haired girl introduced herself, "This is Harii."
"It's nice to meet you."
Glancing at Harii, I saw her watching me intently; as if inspecting me.
"Come on Kuae let's put your things in your new room."
"Oh, it's over here," Yurara said with a happy smile as she ran down a short hallway, "This one's yours."
She opened the door for us, and I looked it over. It looked about the same size that I had at home.
"I think you'll be happy here Kuae," my aunt told me with a small smile.
"You don't have to feel guilty," I told her, looking her in the eye, "You did everything you could. I deserve this."
"Please come visit if you ever come back home," she stated – almost begging – as tears formed in her eyes.
"Of course," I smiled with a nod, "I wouldn't dream of not visiting."
"Take care," my uncle said lowly, giving a small wave.
Then they were gone. My knees felt weak as I sat down on my new bed. I stared blankly at the floor as my heart sank to the bottom of the ocean. I hung my head and grasped tightly at my bangs. The tears started to fall as I had nothing else to hold onto. I was alone… I had nothing.
"Kuae, are you going to be okay?" Yurara asked me, her tone hesitant.
"Leave her be Yurara," Harii told the girl as she came by the doorway, "Give her some time to adjust."
People could dress up this school and make it look fancy and like it would be the most amazing place to be. They could think that decoration would make students happy when they arrived. The thing those people didn't count on… was how hard it really was to say goodbye to the people you loved the most. Saying goodbye was the last thing anyone would ever want to say to the people important to them. Dressing up a goodbye didn't make it any easier on the ones being left behind.
Opening my eyes, I realized that everything was completely dark around me. It wasn't until my eyes adjusted that I could see a small light coming from the other side of my room door. I stared at it for a few moments, trying to remember what had happened.
'I must have cried myself to sleep…' I shook my head at the thought.
It sounded pathetic in my head, but I knew that at a time like this I was allowed to show a sign of weakness. I was allowed to feel like crap.
Getting to my feet, I wandered out into the small hallway. As I came to the main room, I could see Harii still watching the television.
"It sucks, doesn't it?" she asked me, turning around to look at me, "Feeling like you've been left behind by everyone else."
I let out a humorless laugh with her words, "Yeah, it really does feel like the shittiest thing in the world."
"It gets better," she told me with a small smile, "After a while you learn to accept that this is the way things are."
"I accepted that fact yesterday," I told her, my eyes staring at the light of the television, "I knew what I was getting myself into. I just didn't think it would be this hard to let everything go."
My brows furrowed at the idea of what I had said. It was probably the fact that I had never really had a hold of anything to start with. I just wanted it…
Harii continued to watch me for a few moments before she seemed to nod her head.
"I guess that means you didn't really have a choice in the matter," she stated, her eyes unmoving.
I turned my head to meet her gaze.
"Yurara and the other girl Alia had a choice," she explained, pointing to the other small hallway, "They wanted to come here on their own."
"Did your parents make you come here?" I questioned absentmindedly.
"My mother did. She said it would be a lot easier for everyone if I went to boarding school," Harii nearly murmured, her own brows pushing together, "So I ended up here."
It was somehow comforting to know that I wasn't the only one that was forced out of my home. It felt like I had someone that could relate with what was going on.
"I'm sorry," I apologized, "for both your mom and how I broke down when I got here."
Harii let out a laugh with my words.
"My mother was right. This place was good for me," she mused, "And it's okay, everyone had their moment when they first move in."
For the first time in the past twenty-four hours, I let out a real smile.
One Week Later…
It had been many days since he had seen or heard from Kuae. It was like she had suddenly been swept from the earth. Each day that passed, his mood had steadily dropped to a point of frustration. He was almost to the point of not being able to take it anymore. He needed to know what happened to her.
When class had ended, he rose to walk around his desk. The students were leaving and he hadn't realized he had grabbed Hanaki's bag as she walked by him. He paused for a moment as she turned back to glare at him. He was almost unsure of what to do.
"Can I help you?" the girl asked; her tone full of malice.
He couldn't help but raise a brow at the amount of anger in the girl's words.
"May I speak to you for a moment?" he questioned, releasing her bag.
Hanaki's eyes looked away from him as she nodded her head reluctantly.
As all the students had left the classroom, he closed the door behind them. In a second his back was to the door with Hanaki's hand tightly holding to his shirt's collar.
"Why the hell didn't you go after her?" she growled at him, her anger clear on her face.
"Go after who?" he asked with some confusion.
He was trying to remain as calm as he could. Getting upset in this situation would have only made it worse.
"Who do you think I'm talking about?" she asked sarcastically, her grip tightening, "Why did you let her do it by herself?"
"What happened to Kuae?" he questioned, his brows furrowing with concern.
"You honestly don't know?" the girl wondered doubtfully.
"I was going to ask you where she was," he explained locking gazes with her, "What happened to her?"
Hanaki's aw tightened as she turned her head to the side. Her hand released him before she took a couple steps backward. Her brows furrowed as she looked at him again.
"Her aunt told me that she got expelled for kissing a teacher," she nearly growled, her fists clenching, "She got called into the office and she took responsibility for what you started."
His eyes widened at what he was hearing. She had taken the blame…
"That was her last chance to get everything sorted out and then you came along and ruined it," the girl continued almost hatefully, "because of you, Kuae was shipped to boarding school over eight hours away!"
He could feel his heart pounding; could feel it burning at what he was hearing. He hadn't known. She had never told him that if something bad happened she would be sent to boarding school.
"That fool," he muttered, shaking his head, "She never said a word… She never thinks anything through."
His not knowing didn't excuse the fact that he had done nothing. He could have gone to her house; could have tried to see her sooner.
"What are you going to do about it?" Hanaki asked him icily, watching him intently, "How are you going to fix her life by fixing your mistake?"
"If I had known, I would have taken the blame in her place," he told the girl, going to his desk, "I will do everything to bring her back."
He would find which school she had been sent to. He would tell her that she was foolish and bring her back home. Distance meant nothing. He wasn't about to let everything be for nothing.
I stared intently at the television screen; it was not a time to lose focus.
"Come on Kuae! You can't do it!" Yurara cheered loudly in the background.
It was an intense race between Harii and I in Double Dash. We had chosen the All-Cup and it was down to the last track to decide the winner. Whoever came in first would be declared the ultimate champion of the infamous racing game.
As both of us came down the spiral at the end of Rainbow Road, we were neck in neck. Moments before the finish line, I fired a green shell, stopping Harii's lead. I drove past her at the last moment, taking first.
"Woo yeah! Way to go Ku!" Yurara cheered happily, jumping behind me.
"I don't think I've ever seen anyone match Harii at Double Dash," Alia stated, patting my shoulder.
"I must agree," Harii mused, "I am very impressed."
"It's all in a day's work my friends," I laughed, getting to my feet.
At the motion, I suddenly got nauseous. I could eel the muscles in my stomach clench as the world started to turn.
"Are you okay Ku?" Yurara wondered, sounding concerned, "You look like you're gunna be sick…"
"I think I am," I admitted, suddenly running or the bathroom.
I didn't know why it had happened, but suddenly I couldn't stop my stomach from turning violently. I threw up everything that I had eaten that day before it was only water.
"Alia, call the nurse," Harii ordered from the main room, "Yurara, try to keep Ku's head up."
"Yes ma'am!"
I could feel Yurara's hands on my shoulders before she flushed the toilet for me.
"The nurse is coming Ku," she told me, "She'll let you know what's the matter."
"This sucks," I muttered, trying to keep everything down.
'Why do I feel like this all of a sudden?' I wondered, my brows pushing together with some confusion.
It hadn't taken long for the nurse to arrive. She told the girls to help me lay down in bed. Then she told them to leave the room. It had taken more than an hour before she told me to rest for a little while. She would be back in a little bit with some results to the situation. In everyone's absence, I turned my head to the window beside my bed. I could see the sunset from where I was. The sky was a beautiful orange mixed with magenta.
"Are you able to see it too, Sesshoumaru?" I murmured, closing my eyes.
I hadn't stopped thinking about him since I had gotten here. After seeing him with that woman, I admitted that it hurt. Sana had been right though, maybe it really was all just a big misunderstanding.
'I guess it doesn't really matter now.' I thought wryly before falling into a deep sleep.
I had a dream… where I was standing in this old forest. No… it wasn't me… it was someone that had looked a lot like me, only she was older. She was dressed in a beautiful dark blue and white kimono, just standing in the middle of the forest. There was a sound – a foot step – from behind. Both of us turned and a small smile formed on her lips. It was Sesshoumaru… only he had markings on his face and forearms. He pulled her close to him before taking her lips with his.
"Don't ever run from me again," he said lowly into her ear, "You are mine, my beloved Kuae."
My eyes jerked open as I sat up from my bed. My heart was racing as I tried to catch my breath.
"It's okay Miss Abukara," the nurse assured me, "It's only me."
"My apologies," I apologized, "I didn't mean to jump like that."
"I just came to let you know what I had found out," the nurse told me with a small smile.
I looked at her with a raised brow.
"It seems like your body has been under a lot of stress lately and it's just letting you know. You have a small fever and a mild case of the flu," she explained, giving me a bottle of water, "You need to catch up on your rest and relax for the next couple days. I'll have your roommates let me know if your condition gets any worse."
"So I can't go to class or anything?" I wondered with some confusion.
I wasn't used to being sick. It wasn't something in my life that I really had trouble with.
"It would be best for you to stay in your dorm for the next few days."
I let out a small groan before falling back onto the bed. I didn't want to be confined here. If I was, I believed that I might lose it a little more.
"Once you're all better you can go out and do as you please," the nurse assured me.
"Thank you," I said lowly, shaking my head.
Being stuck in this room was one of the last things I wanted right now.
His heart pounded as he got out of his car. He stood still, looking up at the large school. He had left first thing in the morning, not having had much sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about what Hanaki had told him; how Kuae had taken the blame. He didn't understand why she hadn't told him she would be sent to boarding school. It had been a foolish time to start thinking about other people.
After what he learned, he had explained to the high school principal about what had occurred between the two of them. He explained how he had been the one at fault and it was his responsibility to be there. When he had said his piece he had gone to see her aunt. Again he had explained the situation. He needed her to know the truth, for her to not have ill feelings with her niece. Kuae deserves nothing but kindness.
His brows furrowed as he thought about it. He had to put an end to this foolishness. Walking, he went into the large dorm building. Her aunt had given him her room number and what floor she had been on. Without a thought he had made his way to the fourth floor.
"Can I help you?" a girl questioned as she opened the dorm room door.
He paused for a moment, "Is Abukara Kuae here?"
The girl watched him intently for a moment. She was rather tall with long black hair hanging down.
"She is but she's not feeling well at the moment," the girl stated as she stood in the doorway.
A door opened in the background before he caught sight of a head peering around the corner.
"Harii, who's there?"
His heart skipped a beat at the sight of her standing there. She looked pale and like she hadn't been sleeping well.
"Just some guy," the girl stated, not taking her eyes off of him, "Do you know him?"
He watched her expression drop before she nodded her head.
"It's okay Harii, you can let him in," she said quietly, not moving.
The girl moved to the side and let him in.
"Welcome," she stated before walking away.
"You can come with me," his precious girl told him.
He followed her down the small hallway to what looked like her room. He shut the door behind them and couldn't take his eyes off of her. For the first time in a long time, he had felt elated. He had never been so happy to see someone before.
My heart pounded when I had seen him standing in the doorway. The way his golden orbs looked at me… I could have burst into tears.
"Kuae-"
"What are you doing here?" I asked him, glaring at the wall.
"I came to take you home Kuae," he told me, grabbing my arm, "Hanaki told me what you did."
He pulled me against him, both of his arms wrapping tightly around me. I missed his touch… the way he held me like this…
"Why didn't you say anything?"
My brows knitted together at his question. Sana had told him everything…
"It wouldn't have changed anything if I had," I stated, trying to be guarded.
I didn't want him to know… I didn't want him to think that I had missed him so much that I thought about him every second.
"You weren't supposed to know so you wouldn't lose your job," I told him, not turning back to look at him, "I'm assuming you did the right thing and turned yourself in."
"You fool," he stated lowly before turning me to face him, "Did you honestly believe by leaving I would not lose everything?"
I pushed him away with his words; my brows pushing together with some frustration.
"How could you have lost everything?" I asked him, shaking my head.
He was a handsome man. I had been foolish to think that I could have kept him all to myself. Rin had been right… there was nothing that I could offer him. Sooner or later he would have gotten bored with me.
"You have women flocking to you like crazy. There probably hasn't been a day where you haven't been hit on by someone," I said in my frustration, not looking him in the eye, "I saw you with that woman in the parking lot."
I caught his brows narrow from the corner of my eye. My fists tightened when he didn't say anything.
"I loved you with everything I had," I told him, trying to fight back the tears that were wanting to fall, "I guess that that wasn't enough for you."
My back was pressed against a wall with his hands on my shoulders, until one of his hands took a tight hold of my chin. As he made me look at him, his lips caught mine in a deep kiss. It felt like my heart had stopped beating in that moment… tears releasing from my hold. When our lips parted and his golden orbs looked into my eyes, I felt vulnerable.
"Are you really so foolish to believe those words?" he asked me, his tone stern, "Do you really believe that once was enough?"
I shook my head with his words. No… once wasn't enough. I wanted more; I wanted him all to myself.
His forehead rested against mine and he sighed.
"You are not well," he stated, sounding concerned.
"It's nothing," I lied, shaking my head again.
"You must stop with your lying," he said lowly, taking me into his arms.
I was placed on the bed before he crawled over to my back. I felt his arms wrap around me tightly, pulling me against him.
"Why did you come back?" I asked him tiredly, my brows furrowing.
"I came to bring you back with me. I will not allow such things to take you away," he murmured into my ear, pulling me closer.
I leaned my head into him. I was happy to know that I meant as much to him as he meant to me.
"Do not ever run from me again Kuae."
"Or what?" I wondered, looking back at him.
I was suddenly pinned down under him with his golden orbs staring intently down at me.
"Do you really wish to know?" he questioned, leaning down to me.
Looking into his eyes in that moment made me realize how stupid I had acted; how foolish I really had been. The whole time I sat in this room over the past week, I knew that nothing about my decision had even felt right. Everything about it… the whole thing was wrong. As I looked into those piercing golden orbs, I lifted my head and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. He could always see everything that I didn't want him to see. He knew every detail that I tried to hide away. There was no way that I could have stayed away from him forever.
"I love you, Sesshoumaru," I told him, not able to tear my eyes away.
As I sat there, I wondered… Maybe things didn't always have to end in goodbye. There were times where goodbye could have brought another hello. Goodbye didn't always have to be the end, at the time it just feels like the end. I realized that when he appeared in that doorway, I wished that I could have had a grin on my face and greeted him with hello.
End of Chapter 10
Thank you all for reading Lolita and sticking with it until the very end. I appreciate everyone's support and I hope that you all enjoyed reading it as I did writing it.
Thank you!
halfdemon-kai
