It was a couple of weeks after Max's tantrum. Max was happy enough seeing Cassandra but he sometimes looked a little confused when he went off alone with her every time. He'd been used to the three of them spending time together. So one afternoon after Cassandra had dropped Max off at the door, with a hug for Max and barely a look at his father, Max finally asked.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah, cowboy?"
"Are you and Andra not friends no more?"
Jacob sighed. He'd been waiting for the question. And he knew he couldn't lie to his son any more. He sat down on the sofa and pulled the boy onto his lap.
"Cassandra and I . . . ." This was like explaining the divorce all over again. Though Max had been so little then. "We . . . ." He bit his lip, his son's confused and concerned eyes staring at him. "It's hard to explain because it's a grown up thing. But I guess you can say we aren't friends anymore."
Max whimpered. "I know, buddy. Believe me, we both are sad about it. But it's nothing to do with you. Both of us love you, okay? She's still your friend and I want her to be. But it's gonna be a lot like me and your mama, okay? You spend time with her and I won't be able to come along. It'll be okay, though, alright?" He kissed his son's cheek and hoped another tantrum wasn't going to start.
But instead of anger, Max looked sad. And Jacob was pretty sure he looked sad too because the next thing out of Max's mouth was, "you miss her, Daddy?"
"Yeah, I do. But it is what it is, okay?"
Max's lip quivered but he just threw his arms around his father's neck and hugged him. And Jacob hugged back, taking the comfort. Maybe Max could tell how much he missed Cassandra. But he didn't need to know it was like a physical ache and sometimes it was hard not to chase her down the hallway and pin her against a wall and kiss her senseless before dropping to his knees and begging for her forgiveness.
"She's sad too, Daddy," Max whispered. "But I'll just have to hug her more then, huh?"
"Yeah," Jacob said. "It always worked before. Now come on, tell me about what you did today."
He listened to Max's animated account of what he and Cassandra did while trying and probably failing to not miss her.
He really wished Baird was around. He could use someone to talk to. Ezekiel would not do. Jenkins, he could tell, did not wish to discuss his personal life. Flynn was well Flynn. But Baird, he could count on her. He missed her too.
A week later, he stumbled through the Back Door to find Baird seated at her desk, reading a file.
"Well, ain't you a sight for sore eyes," he grinned at her. "Where's Flynn?"
"I finally got him to come home and rest. Course I say rest and he decides to sleep for a week." She rolled her eyes, "I got antsy and decided to come in and check on you. But Jenkins said you were all on separate cases?"
"Yeah, it just worked out that way this week," Stone told a bit of a fib, he didn't want Baird worried about them when he really needed to talk to her.
She nodded, they did all have different clippings books for a reason. "So what's your case?"
"Oh," he rummaged through his bag, pulling out a document. "All wrapped up actually. Just need to give this to Jenkins. Hey, would you be up for a cup of coffee? I kinda need an ear. If you'll let me go get this secured and take a shower."
She smiled kindly. "Parenting again?"
"Among other things."
"Yeah, sure, I've got nowhere to be."
It was an off time of day, so things were relatively quiet in the coffee shop that the team frequented. They were tucked in a quiet corner and Baird was always amused that they both went for just regular coffee. Ezekiel liked to try outlandish concoctions, Flynn always went for the sweeter the better and Cassandra usually tea, though sometimes a cappuccino. But regular coffee for the two of them. She drank hers completely straight up black and he usually put sugar in his. Today he was absently stirring.
"Stone?" she prompted and again was amused. He was like a little brother to her but she'd never think to call him Jacob and he'd never call her Eve. It just was how they worked. "How is Max?"
Stone smiled fondly at his son's name. "Oh, he's fine." Then he looked down at his mug, "when he's not angry with me."
"What happened?"
Stone still was having eye contact issues, but she figured it was how he was going to be able to talk to her. He sighed heavily.
"Peru happened."
"Your first mission on your own. What does that have to do with Max? He went to Oklahoma to be with his mother. He didn't tell did he?"
"No, he was good as gold. He's mad at me about what happened after Peru. But yeah, Peru was a disaster, Baird."
She cringed. "Ouch."
"Jones and I were at each other's throats, he stormed off. He's fine now, whatever. But Cassandra and I . . . ."
"You guys fought? I thought all of that was water under the bridge. You were best friends . . . I don't . . . ."
"We didn't fight, Baird."
"Okkkayy," Baird drew the word out. "So what happened?"
"We kissed. Or I kissed her. Honestly it was all . . . I mean she kissed me back so . . . ."
"Okay, so kissing her is a bad thing now? Stone . . . come on, you all but admitted to me you had feelings for her."
His head went into his hands. "I thought it was a good idea . . . ."
"Stone, you're killing me. Just tell me what happened."
"I panicked. Broke off the kiss and told her we needed to go back to the Annex. Which was true, we both got banged up pretty bad, both of us were bleeding. I sent her off for the first aid kit and I . . . I left."
Baird sighed but just waited.
"She texted me for a week. Text after text. Asking what she did wrong. Asking if I was okay. Hoping that Max was. Just telling me about her day. And then finally she told me goodbye. I never answered a single one."
"Oh Stone."
"Max kept asking me where she was. I kept lyin' to him. Finally after a month and a half, he had enough of me. Full blown temper tantrum. And I had to call her. She came over but she was so cold to me."
"Do you blame her?"
"No. But now it's like the divorce all over again. She takes him, she drops him off. She might say hello to me. But I know she's upset, Max told me. He asked me just last week if we were still friends. And I had to say no. He could tell we miss each other. Damn Baird, I made such a mess of this."
"You did. I don't know Cassandra's side of this, so I can't tell if there's something she could have done. But, Stone, I have to ask why? I can't see you suddenly not caring about her. Or disliking her. You've always liked her, even when things were rough between you two. So do you hate her now? Not like her?"
This time Stone finally raised his eyes from his coffee mug and looked into hers. "I love her, Baird."
Baird's eyes widened but not at the confession. She had been pretty certain of the fact. But she had no idea why he was pushing away the woman he loved. And why there was so much despair in his eyes.
"Then why? You told me you'd break her heart . . . .oh Stone, just because your marriage didn't work . . . . Oh that's it isn't it? Plenty of people get divorced and go on to have successful relationships."
He shook his head. "All of my relationships fail. And it's all because of me."
"And did a single one of those women including your wife know you the way Cassandra knows you?"
Jacob shook his head. "Well. . .no. But that doesn't mean I won't still let her down. I couldn't bear to do that. Be yet another person whose hurt her."
"But you hurt her anyway."
"Better a little hurt now than a broken heart."
Baird smiled slightly but didn't bring up the fact that she was pretty sure Cassandra was heartbroken. Stone certainly was.
"Look, I can't change your mind. I don't know how things are gonna work if you and Cassandra are barely speaking, but that's another issue that I'm tabling for now. The thing is I can tell you're miserable. Max's miserable and Cassandra probably is as well. So I'm gonna give you some advice."
Stone nodded.
"I understand you have a son, so you have to think about what's best for both of you. But you need to think long and hard about why exactly those relationships have failed. And whose voice it is that keeps telling you that you'll let her down. Is it yours? Or someone else's? And then you need to talk to Cassandra. For your sakes and for your child. If you chose to not be with her, then you need to work out at least a cordial relationship. Like you ended up doing with your wife. Okay?"
She stood up and patted his arm. "Take care, Stone."
"Thanks, Baird."
It was a long night of soul searching for Stone after that. A great deal of thinking over his life and his relationships and most importantly about who he was now. He realized that he did want to be in a relationship with Cassandra and that it might not fail. But there was something very important he needed to do for himself first. He needed to talk to her. He needed to set things right about Peru and hope that she could wait for him until he was ready to be the man she deserved.
At their last outing, Max had offered to give her extra hugs. When she asked why, he said it was because he figured she was sad cuz she and Jacob weren't friends any more. "My daddy was sad too," the little boy had said. Poor little thing, it wasn't quite what was going on but he was only four. Besides she barely understood what had happened.
She wanted to just write him off, he was the one who'd run after all and shut her out. But when she'd dropped Max off, their eyes had met and there was just such a look of longing in his. So much like he'd looked at her before he kissed her. He'd tried too to say something but she'd mumbled an excuse and had all but fled from his building.
She couldn't completely blame him for the situation. Yes, he had the child, which meant that the ball was in his court. But she'd never been afraid to confront him before. Certainly not even picking the best places to confront him, like a labyrinth with a Minotaur breathing down their necks. Yet, she'd just said goodbye to him and left it. She could have taken the new door he'd opened and stormed in and demanded he explain why he left. But instead she'd iced him out.
And Max said his father missed her, was sad about it. Her head had thought good, it was all his fault. But it was a little hers too. She'd set out to push him away. Had told herself after Peru that maybe it was better this way.
But she loved him and she couldn't completely buy that he didn't at least partly return her feelings.
Cassandra had been in love before. Despite her parents' ideas about upbringing, Cassandra's nature was not to isolate herself. Her being an only child, her parents' strict rules and her own competitive nature had isolated her during her childhood and early adolescence. But she'd yearned for connections with people.
There had been a period in her early adulthood when she'd been reckless. Newly out of her parents' house, firmly believing that she only had a few years to live, she'd sown her wild oats. But it hadn't taken very long for her to realize that casual sex and one night stands were not satisfying enough for her. She yearned for something more. Even though she knew they could never end well.
She'd fallen into relationships, sometimes without even realizing it. Wanting to be with someone, wanting what others had, it was only natural. But when she'd realized she'd fallen in love, she always ended things before her partner could return the sentiment.
It simply wasn't fair to ask Jacob to allow her into his and Max's life. Even though, she was beginning to realize it was too late. But could she get past her own hang ups and love him despite her own lack of a future?
The thought was weighing on her that afternoon as she went to the Annex. As usual no one was around. Jenkins was puttering around somewhere but there were no signs of the men or Baird. She sighed, she missed them all.
She was sighing over her book when Jenkins wandered in. "Something amiss, Ms. Cillian?"
"Oh, nothing really." At his measured look, she softly said, "I was missing the others."
He nodded and walked around the table. "And by others, you mean Mr. Stone? He was here earlier with his offspring. I found it odd that you were not here given your fondness for the child."
"I had um things to do."
"I see," Jenkins said no more and went back to his work.
"Jenkins?"
"Yes, Ms. Cillian?"
"Do you ever get lonely?"
"Well, not with you lot constantly in and out of my Annex."
Cassandra cringed and backed up, looking back at her book. But Jenkins sighed to himself and stood next to her.
"In my life, I have from time to time sought out companionship. It's only human nature to seek it out. We're social creatures after all and bonds of friendship and love .. .ah well, they keep the soul warm at night. I've lived a long time, Cassandra. And I dearly miss the people who have touched my life, my dear friends, the ones I've loved. But I'd be a poorer man for never having loved them, no matter how fleeting their lives were compared to mine."
Cassandra put her hand on his arm. "Thank you, Jenkins."
He smiled briefly. "Off for tea, would you care for some?"
"Yes, please. Thank you."
She thought about what Jenkins had said for the rest of the day. Would Jacob's life be poorer for never having a chance to love her? Had she robbed her previous lovers of that chance? Her life was certainly poorer for not having explored that love. And her life had been richer from knowing these people: the Librarian, the soldier, the Knight, the thief and the cowboy and his little boy.
Sometime around 3am, she realized she needed to talk to Jacob. Tell him what that kiss meant to her and how she just had one obstacle to overcome before she could love him. If he could wait for her just a little longer.
