AN: I'm done babying these next two chapters, because it was only making them worse. So sorry for the delay in updating. I'm just gunna close my eyes and throw it out there. This is a flashback chapter, which takes place pretty early on in the affair between Snow and Regina. Basically Regina is drunk, Snow is confused and there's a lot of insinuation and denial.
Stupid Girl
My thoughts kept me awake most nights, and this night was no exception, as I laid in my bed and stared at the high ceiling and distant walls of the huge space of my room. For so long now, long enough for me to remember nothing else, my thoughts went to Regina.
Even before the two of us had started this affair of sorts, I had her on my mind constantly. I tried to keep my distance from her, because I had assumed she hated me most of the time. It was something that grew more and more apparent the older I became. I annoyed her with my childishness and she looked down on my morality and judgments, so I did try to be better. Walk more like a lady through the halls instead of sloppy strides that would break out into a run. I tried to be proper during banquets and dances. I tried not to let my eyes stray along her form, but that was not an easy task, because her gowns were not ones that made such a thing easy.
And when she knew of my wandering eyes, she teased me with it. Every day, appropriate things turned into something filled with double meaning, when she would brush against me, when she would scold me with a click of her tongue. The first time she called me a 'good girl', dripping with lewd reference that struck my cheeks ablaze. I wanted nothing but to hear her tell me again, and again, until something else—something more caused my wanting desire.
As soon as I thought to be driven mad by the little she would give, she always gave just a little more, just to keep me strung to her.
She enjoyed it too, I supposed, because why would one do such things if they didn't enjoy it? She enjoyed my attention on her, she enjoyed the way I would beg for her, and Regina enjoyed kissing me. She would never admit such a thing, of course, though I was proud of how well I was getting at seeing through the walls she put up. It was all I spent my time for, to be honest.
Regina knew as much, always noticing my daydreaming, and she would scold me for it. That click of her tongue as a single finger moved inside me. She would remind me, as I would moan against the sheets between my teeth, that what we did meant nothing. It seemed like a ridiculous sort of thing to believe, even if I would placate her in that sort of lie, because people did not do these things for nothing. I knew what I had learned, what men and women did in a marital bed, it was for love and family. Only those of the lowest degrees would do such a thing for nothing. And Regina was royalty, as was I. It was in our blood, so something like this, it would not be for nothing.
I hadn't understood what the words meant until one afternoon, not too long ago, I watched her, as she watched an older prince from another land take a particular interest in me during a royal visit. It was innocent enough, the way he smiled in a charming sort of way, just as all princes were, simply charming and literally nothing else. Regina wasn't charming though, she was fire and passion. Her mouth would scorch my skin, and her desire would tear me apart. And on that night, it did just that, particularly so, talking of the prince in a way that could only be born of jealousy;
I could see it
When his eyes were on you
What he wanted to do to you
Or maybe it was fear.
She spoke no more of it though, only kissed me roughly as she pinned me to my bed, stripping away the remnants of such an exhausting day, leaving nothing else but the feeling of her against my body.
She told me again, what we did meant nothing; that only a man could give me worth.
And for the first time, I understood that it really did mean nothing. To them. To princes and Kings and men. This would be nothing to them, because it wasn't about them. It was about us. These things we did, they weren't for nothing. No one gives someone their body, and the other their trust—for simply nothing. Regina could die for what she was doing with me, even I knew that, and if what we did together was known—…She wanted me more than she feared the risk.
This thing we did—this self-destructive act of passion and desperation—it wasn't for others to know about. I was a princess of virtue to literally everyone around me, always protected and kept away from the world, but to her, I wasn't some innocent thing to be protected. She saw something in me that other's didn't, something mature and dark, something that I saw in her as well. Something that bound us together.
My thoughts were only of her, and most of the time, it drove me crazy, except for the few times of calm, when we would lie in my bed together. I wished for that now, as I always did, feeling the sheets cold around me, but my skin was heated from my running mind. I thought about the first time we were together, how she had barged her way into my room, interrupting a fantasy to give me so much more than I could have imagined. And I fell so easy into her eyes and her voice, just as easily as she fell into me. I shifted on the mattress, considering the time of night and if I should wait for her to come here, or if I should take care of the ache myself.
My hands were fisting into the material of my nightgown when I heard a knock on my door from across the room, and I immediately tensed, and sat up quickly. Of course I had been thinking of Regina, because I was expecting her, but she never knocked. It would draw unnecessary attention to my room by someone in hearing distance. I knew it wasn't her, and so for a moment I said nothing, as the door opened, a guard entered, his head facing to the side and far away from where I was lying. It was entirely inappropriate, and there was fear along with concern about any tragedies that may have happened.
"Your highness, the Queen has sent for you." His voice gave nothing away, and only had a quiet tone of respect.
A blush set my face aflame, though he didn't see it.
"Is everything alright?" I asked, not knowing what else to say. Maybe she was injured or with my Father, or a hundred other reasons for her to call for me at such an hour. Reasons that didn't seem so obvious.
"She awaits in her bedchambers." Is all he responded with before he left the room with a swift turn of his shoulders, and shut the door silently behind him.
Quickly, I was out of bed, grabbing a light robe that was too warm even for the late hour, but it covered the sleeveless nightgown I wore. When I walked out of my room, the guard was waiting, as I knew he would be, and silently we made our way down the long hallway, his eyes forward the entire time. Guards were usually mindful of privacy, and rarely asked questions. They were mostly men of war, not gossip, yet it was still a dangerous thing for Regina to do.
When we reached the large wooden doors to the Queen's bedchambers, he opened it for me, and I looked at him curious.
"Will you be posted at this door all night?"
"Per the King's orders." Came his monotone response, the door still ajar but I didn't move.
"Yet you left this door to find mine." I did not have a strong tone when I said it, it was more confused and timid. Though the words sounded accusing, and I knew they did as soon as they were said. The guard looked at me then, no expression of a reaction crossing his face, but he looked directly in my eyes, and I gasped quietly before I was able to stop myself. The action was an accusation as well, so I turned my sight away, and quickly moved into Regina's room, the door shutting behind me.
My eyes immediately searched her bedroom to find her, but really her room would have been more considered a wing, the space granted to her was large. Yet my eyes caught on her pacing by her dresser, looking so trapped. She looked that way often, when she thought no one could see. Sometimes, I wondered what it was that even kept her here, if she was so unhappy, and rarely I wondered if it was me that tied her here. It was both an appealing and terrible thought.
There was a moment I scanned our surrounding in a cautious curiosity. I had been in her room before, a few times throughout the years, but it was always made clear that I wasn't very welcome in her personal space. Not like she was welcomed in mine, so when we would be together in the late hours, it would always be in my room.
I started walking towards her, watching her stop by her dresser, and after I got closer, I saw her drinking from a glass of wine, the bottle sitting next to where her cup was. My sight caught briefly on her bed, slightly unmade, but I tore it away, worried more about her than the state of her bed.
"Regina? What's wrong?" I called to her quietly, coming up behind her. She was in her night gown, one that was royal purple, long and silk, hugging every one of her curves tightly, and Regina's hair no longer tied up as it was during the day. Her back was to me still, facing the vanity, the mirror attached to it only showed me part of her body. One arm was wrapped around her stomach as the other was raising the wine to her lips once more.
I said her name again, and she finally turned towards me, and I was taken aback by it. There was a terrible upset on her face, her features cold and her eyes reminded me of something broken and shattered, blood shot and black.
"Were you crying?" Was my quick and rushed response, taking a step to her, with my hand raising to reach out for her, but Regina saw the move and took a quick step back, smiling at me in an oddly forced sort of way.
"Only for a moment, when I thought to be out of wine." She raised her glass with that lopsided smirk, tilting her head towards me as if in cheers. "I found more."
I started to chew on the inside of my cheeks out of nervousness, because she was making me terribly worried. There had never been a time before that I had seen her in such a way, so undone and distracted.
"It was dangerous for you to call me here." I started to say as she turned her body back to the vanity, filling a glass that was barely drank from, then taking a generous sip. My words cut out when I hear the edge of indictment in them, because it was not intended. "I don't mind," I tried for a small smile that she wasn't even looking at. "But if the guards were to talk—"
"Or if you were to talk less." Regina snapped at me unexpectantly, turning sharply towards me, glass forgotten on the dresser. "Secrets are only known when spoken of." She said such a thing, as if blaming me. Her voice was hard and angry in a quick second, and terribly accusing. I had no idea what I had done, how I had offended her in any way. She called for me, and I had been proper all week. At least, when she wanted me to be. Yet, Regina was watching me with fire in her eyes, and a hatred that I saw on her face sometimes when we were in bed together, when her mind would go elsewhere and it took a gentle touch or a soft moan to bring her back.
I assumed why I was here, and since the silence was growing heavy between us, I did what I thought she wanted. A nervous blush ran up my neck as l shrugged my robe off of my shoulders, letting the material fall and pool by my feet. My hands raised to the ties of my long and white night gown, and started pulling them apart. Before I barely had a single knot undone, I saw her close the space between us and cover my hands with one of hers. Regina's fingers were ice cold, her hand shaking slightly, but the touch was gentle and when I looked up to her face, the hate in her eyes were gone.
"Not tonight, dear." Her hand moved to brush the back of her knuckles along my cheek, and the cold caused me to shiver but I leaned into the touch regardless, wishing to warm her any way she would allow. "Fear my wrath tomorrow."
I was about to ask what she wished of me then, and in my naivety, I wondered if there was anything that I would deny her. Instead though, I lost my voice and nerve as she pulled away and back to her vanity, taking the glass of wine back in her hand. Another generous drink along with the eerie silence, started to make my skin itch.
"Regina…" My voice held little strength, but it seemed to grab her attention, turning her head in my direction with a different look on her face.
"What are you doing in my room?" Regina asked suddenly, looking me over slowly. "It's late."
My face twisted up in confusion, because she was the one who had sent for me. I almost told her such, only pausing to wonder if I had imagined the exchange with the guard, or would he possibly sent me on his own—I opened my mouth to question her, to wonder what kind of game she meant to play. Yet when I studied her face, as she studied mine, I saw a genuine confusion, and not only that—but there was a distance in her eyes, one that was far away and I had seen it often when she was with me, but never like this. I doubted she even knew where she was at the moment. I always caused that look—being with me caused it—but I knew that wasn't the case tonight. The air in the room around us felt odd, cold in a way that had nothing to do with temperature, and I crossed my arms against the chill that shouldn't be on my skin. Something felt different and wrong, even the smell surrounding us. It wasn't so much a musk, but maybe—
I cleared my throat and cleared my mind. Quickly shaking my head and focusing on Regina.
"…I…I couldn't sleep." I pushed my thoughts down until it all grew blurred around her form. The small smile I offered her wasn't returned, as she shook her head lifting the wine towards her mouth, only pausing halfway to speak.
"You'll find no rest here." She said, sounding more drunk by the passing moments. My hands intercepted her drink as Regina raised it once more, gently taking it out of her grasp. There was a glare shot my way, but besides that, no other protest was given.
"We could try." I placed the drink back on her vanity and took her cold hands in mine, walking backwards slowly. "Just lie with me, for a little while." There was no way I could just leave her alone, not in her state. There was worry she would drink too much, or hurt herself even. She was relenting slightly, walking with me and carrying a suspicious look on her face. "I won't stay long." I assured, reaching the edge of her bed. Her eyes darted over my shoulder and then darkened, making me quick to place a hand on her cheek, carefully leading her sight back to me.
"My Queen." After the compliment was whispered, she almost smiled and let me lean in to kiss her.
Despite feigned disinterest and emotional walls, she did enjoy kissing me, so that was what we did for a while. Until we were both lying on the bed side by side, our lips swollen and out of breath. She never allowed this before, this intimacy, one without dominance, and I knew that she would most likely never allow it again. So I enjoyed it for what it was, and didn't even consider taking it farther than this.
The need for breathing caused breaks, until Regina no longer moved back in to keep the taste of my mouth on her lips. She watched me, her fingers running through my hair, and I watched her eyes flicker with different emotion, deciphering each one and categorizing it in my head.
"You're so beautiful." She said suddenly, her voice sounded lethargic and soft. "You'll make a husband very happy one day, for looks alone."
"There is more to me." More than just a pretty princess that sought attention. I was smarter than they thought of me, I was brave, and I still climbed trees when they weren't watching.
A small frown settled on her lips at my words though.
"I dare you to find a man who cares." She replied as if so sure of that to be an impossible task, and I felt indignation rise up in me.
"And if I did?"
"I would kill him." She murmured absently, as if speaking of the weather, her eyes half open and hand still stroking the long curls of my hair absently. I watched her for a long moment, not sure how serious she was being.
"For finding him, or for proving you wrong?" I finally asked, gauging her reaction, but it was barely there, only a slight narrowing of brown eyes.
"Maybe just to have one less man in this world." And at that she smiled a sad kind of smile, and it suddenly made me want to change the subject.
"Perhaps I do not wish for a husband." My voice was coy and flirting, as I bit my lip and looked up to her through long lashes, but she didn't react to my baiting, only looking away from my face and to her hand, as it wrapped itself deeper into thick curls.
"Then you do not wish for a kingdom." I didn't answer her, my thoughts trying to keep up with her verbal games. She enjoyed her words, and they were always calculated, always controlled and powerful. Not very often did I catch her off guard, regardless of how much wine she had. "What do you wish for? To live with the animals and eat berries and grass?" She said it with a distasteful tone, but I saw nothing wrong with it.
"That sounds nice." I murmured absently, and watched her eyes roll and attention on me dwindle, so it was quickly amended to keep her mind on me. "…For a bit. I would visit you, though." With a smile crossing my face, I reached up to take her hand from my hair, and held it between our bodies, tracing over fingers and knuckles lightly. "I would ride a white horse through the dark forest to find you."
"Whatever for?" My eyes met hers and saw her watching me with a teasing sort of way about her.
"Because…we could leave." When her eyes narrowed, I looked back down at our joined hands, suddenly nervous when I finally finished quietly. "Together."
"Those are dangerous thoughts, dear." Her voice was nothing but ice, and I felt it like a shiver down my spine, yet she didn't pull away, and her body had not tensed too much, so I tried to gain courage and hoped she thought me better for it.
"They are what they are though, and I see no danger in them." I said with a childish tone that I meant to sound firm and confident. But even I heard the pout in it, but all it did was cause her to sigh.
"Where would we go, you stupid girl?" I took no offense to the soft spoken insult. She called me that often, and it had lost its edge once she took it away, only used as a pet name lately. In fact, all it managed was to set me more at ease, looking back to her eyes with a glint shining in mine.
"Anywhere." My voice held a hopeful daydream in it. "Another kingdom, another land…" I gripped her hand tighter, voice lowered in an excited whisper, my mind getting lost in the dangerous thoughts. "I've heard of lands so different, so vast, that you could be anything you want. No matter your status…" Regina arched her eyebrow in and an unreadable expression crossed her face. My excitement faded as I sounded somewhat defeated while I finished; "No matter if you're a woman or not."
"Where did you hear of such things?" Her voice wasn't as angry as I expected, it was almost curious instead.
"I listen when they think I don't. There is more to me than beauty." The infliction in my words faded, as I watched Regina's face, as if mesmerized with the way she was studying me—how there was a glint in her eye that looked almost impressed. And she was so sad and broken when I first got here, and now her face was cleared from things that troubled her, if only for the moment that she was looking back at me.
Let her focus on me, I liked it better that way.
It felt right, just her and I on this bed, and nothing around us. Nothing pending, no husbands, and no happiness that was more prevalent at this moment, than her eyes on me.
And it may have been childishness, and I may have been a stupid girl, but I fell in love with her in that moment.
