AN: not much of an update, but it's something lol...This takes place right after chapter 12 of Mine Alone to Hate. After the alleyway confrontation between snow/david/regina.
I was angry at myself for being so cold with her in the alleyway, but I had to—for David's sake—if I were to give her just the slightest sign of weakness, she would have taken it as permission to kill him. As it stood, I already gave up all my strength for her, the way I practically begged for her to come with me. To run away to another land, away from this prison for a prison trade, and of course it wouldn't be forever, but it would be enough time—…and she said no—she mocked me and was cruel and all her walls were up.
Just like the first time I asked her to run away with me.
It made me feel foolish and young, a child that never learned from her mistakes, and it proves all the more why I have to leave without her.
And it made me feel angry.
She set my blood to boil with her foolishness in kind, that immature jealousy that she never hid well. We had one rule, and she broke it. We didn't tell others what we did together, it wasn't for other's to know about, and she told him with a sick kind of glee, because she's always hated him—well maybe not him, but the idea of him. The idea of me ever needing him over her. The idea of happiness and husbands and family, and all those things she doesn't think I deserve. And she'll hate me forever for choosing him over her again, just as she always does, just as it's always meant to be. We repeated the cycle like it was yesterday, she gets under my skin and made me fall in love, and then I run away, or she shuts me out, or one of us dies.
We're not the same people we were though. This pain is lingering and spreading like a disease, to people who don't deserve it. To Emma, to David, to Henry…It has to end because I won't make her better, not while it's so much easier to make me worse. My role in this has never been to save her, no matter how many times I try and want to, and God—I want her.
It'll be better though, this will be better. Anything besides this, and I'll be able to breathe again.
The ride back from the alleyway is silent, and when we get to our apartment, I'm quick on David's heels, because I know that look on his face, and what that determination means. So, once we passed the threshold of our home, I'm calling his name and he's ignoring me, going straight into the closet to grab his sword.
"She'll kill you." I try to reason, but he barely has it in his hand before he's making his way to the front door again. "David, don't—"
"You can't talk me out of this."
He keeps walking as he talks with a firmly set jaw, ignoring me completely and walking past me. He's focused, and not even sparing me a glance, just shrugging out of my firm grip that I use to grab at his arm. Until I'm in front of him, pushing with two hands against his chest, just hard enough to cause him to stumble back from the closed front door, and the surprise is evident on his face.
"I won't let you hurt her." My voice quiet, and almost soft, but there is a very hard seriousness in my eyes. His surprise starts to turn into something dark, because no matter how I try rationalize it, the reason why I won't let him leave, has nothing to do with protecting him. There was truth in what Regina said to David in the alleyway, and it's starting to sink in for both of us.
"She'll never forgive you if you did…
"But if I killed you? I doubt even that would make her want me less.
His grip on the sword tightened, causing my eyes to glance down at the action.
"…Do you think you could stop me?" His words weren't strong. They were scared, and unsure, full of anger and confusion, making his threatening words fall hollow on my ears.
"We're leaving." I whisper, pleading with my eyes, because I can stop him. There's not a single ounce of me that wants to though. "None of this matters, because we're leaving. We're going to rebuild the kingdom." My body inches towards him once the hold on his weapon lowers, I reach out to run my hand down his forearm, surprised to feel how taught the muscles in his arm is, tightened to the point of shaking. "David, let go of your sword." I plead, my tone low, and for a moment I don't believe he's going to do it. After a moment the sound of metal clangs against hard wood though, sword falling at our feet. I want to hug him but with the look on his face, I don't think it would be welcomed.
"Why didn't you tell me?" He finally asks, the anger in him rising again. Anxiety pulls at my insides, not wanting to talk about this. Anything but having to lay out all my sins to the one person who's always had me on the highest of pedestals.
"I was ashamed." My voice cracked, so I looked down and took a few deep breaths. "I didn't think it was ever something that would happen again…"
"How long?"
Another moment is taken for my unsteady breathing.
"When I was…" I shake my head, not even knowing what I should tell him, what would be the easiest way to do this without him storming back out the door with a sword aimed at Regina's neck. "Before my father died—"
"Before she killed your father." He snaps and I look up at him at that. My mouth opens to argue, but I'm not sure what I would even be arguing. I was the one who had told him that exact same thing when newly married to him.
"It was brief." Is my response instead, shaking my head as if to dismiss it. "It stopped when I left the castle—"
He laughs, and it sounds so bitter and frustrated, just like his face as he runs a hand through his hair. David turns away from me, and everything feels so tense and awful.
"When she banished you with a bounty on your head—damn it, Snow…" He looks at me again, sounding like he's talking more to himself. "I knew…I knew she had a pull on you, but this is crazy…" I really expected all of this. It was mirrored with almost every conversation with Red, except much more anger and pain, with how he looks at me. "It's sick." He finishes, and a silence settles between us.
He's waiting for me to deny it, and honestly, I'm wondering why his words are making me feel so defensive—so angry. I can admit that much, can't I? After all the pain and humiliation, after the hold she has over me, finely crafted along with her mad woman's revenge. I can admit something as much as a sickness, just as I did a million times before in my head, over and over, every time she made me beg, made me cry, made me eat my own death out of her hand. Willingly, almost begging for that apple, like I did her. There's no lie in what he says.
But there's no lie in my love for her either, and there's reasons for that as well. There's always been good in her, which makes her darkness so desirable. It has drawn more than just me to her, like moths to a flame.
"It's over." I say instead, distant and distracted by my own thoughts.
"Do you love her?" There's no surprise at the question, only that he's waited this long to ask it. Regardless, nothing good would come from me answering him.
"I chose to be with you. I want to be with you, and I do love you David." My words pull out every ounce of sincerity I can muster, because I mean them as I say them. There's reasons why I'm leaving, going over them again in my head. This is the right decision. And now, we're at a standstill, because I'm not willing for this conversation to go any farther, so decisions have to be made on his end. My words are final, and he needs to decide if this is something we can try to work out, or if too much damage has already been done.
Eventually David does nod his head in acceptance, or defeat, hugging me and telling me we'll be okay.
As it stands, I have no idea if he's right.
