No one would fault him if he left, Stone reflected as they watched the lights flicker out. He had a child waiting for him at home. But even as Jenkins tried again fruitlessly to get them to all leave, Stone knew where his place was. Cassandra was not leaving Jenkins and Stone wasn't leaving her. Maybe he was a fool in love, it probably was madness to put her first. But Stone always had faith in something greater than himself. And in his gut, he just knew that it wasn't going to end the way Jenkins thought. The Library would find a way. It always had.
They were arguing once more when suddenly the last light went out. His hand found Cassandra's in the dark. If they were going to die today, they were dying together. She was holding his hand so tightly it nearly hurt, though he was pretty sure he was holding hers just as tightly. But a heartbeat went by, then another . . . .
"Jenkins, what's going on?" They certainly were not dead. Unless the afterlife was exactly the same as life had been.
"I have no idea. We should all be . . . ."
And then suddenly the lights flickered on and Cassandra's hand dropped from his. His faith had been proven justified. Flynn and Baird had returned with the Spirit of the Library.
The joy and relief that they were all alive and the Library was once again whole was short lived. Everyone could tell that something had happened between Flynn and their Guardian. Flynn was gone again and Baird was quiet and sad.
Stone had busied himself with cleanup for a while with the others but then he had to leave to take Max over to Cathy's for a sleepover with James. On his way out, he passed Baird sitting at her desk looking pensive.
"Baird?"
"Huh? What? Oh, heading out?"
"Yeah, it's Max's best friend's birthday. I guess they're havin' a family party on the weekend but he wanted Max over for a sleepover, so I gotta run him over."
"Ah, that's nice."
"Baird, do ya . . . . Look, you know I'm here if you need to talk, right?"
She nodded. "I do. And I will take you up on your offer really soon. But tonight I just need to process some stuff."
He nodded in return. "I know how that goes." He went to pat her shoulder as he passed but instead he bent and brushed a kiss over her cheek.
Her response was a soft smile. "Go home, Stone. Hug your kid for me."
After dropping Max off, Stone sent a text to Baird checking in. She told him that she'd sent everyone home for the night and told him to actually go home and not back to the Library.
He chuckled and imagined that she'd probably told Cassandra the same thing three times.
He'd picked up dinner, had intended to just relax and maybe watch a ball game. Or more likely read the book he'd been dying to get to but hadn't had time.
But the events of the day kept running through his head. Despite his faith in the Library, he and the others had willingly stayed, hoping for the best but expecting to sacrifice themselves for the Library. He'd stayed with both of his loves: Cassandra and the Library. He'd faced his death holding her hand.
For so many months, he'd counted on the fact that she knew he loved her. But that wasn't enough any longer. She could have died today without ever actually having heard the words from him. He'd seen Baird's heartbreak when Flynn left. And he had a feeling the pain on Flynn's face hadn't all had to do with the Library.
This was not going to happen with Cassandra. He was telling her and he was telling her tonight.
Cassandra had intended to settle in with a long bath and a book. But she was restless and unsettled so she took a shower instead. She'd changed into her pajamas: a pair of floral shorts and a camisole with a drawing of the sun and braided her hair. But she still couldn't get herself to relax.
She could have died today. Again. She was absolutely not going to let Jenkins die alone in the dark. She was surprised that Stone had been just as steadfast. No one would have blamed him if he'd left. He had a child. She had a feeling that without Max, there wouldn't have been a doubt in his mind. But then Stone had a well developed sense of right and wrong. Staying was right. But part of her had wanted to tell him to go.
What if they'd died? Poor little Max without a father. . . . She knew Jacob had made a series of plans in case the worst happened. And she knew, especially after visiting Oklahoma, that his previous line of work was not without its dangers.
But the selfish part of her had been glad he stayed. Her hand in his as the darkness fell, she'd felt at peace.
Now, safe in her own apartment, she'd come to the final conclusion to a months' old puzzle. All of her adult life, she'd pushed away potential partners before they became too close. She didn't want to burden them with the pain of her untimely passing. But today (and if she was honest for a long time now), she hadn't wanted to die alone. When her time came, no matter how it came, she wanted to die with her hand in someone else's, preferably Jacob Stone's.
She needed to tell him, but she wasn't sure if he was home. She had been in another part of the Library when he left and Ezekiel had said something about Max. It was past the boy's bedtime, so she wasn't sure if she should call or wait until morning.
She'd finally picked up her phone intending to send a text when her buzzer sounded. She looked through the peephole and smiled.
"Hi, Jacob," she said when she opened the door. "Where's Max?" she asked, looking behind him.
"He's over at Cathy's for a sleepover with James."
"Oh, that's right, Cathy mentioned something about that a week or so ago. First sleepover with a friend," she chuckled. "They grow up so fast."
"Yeah," Jacob said his tone slightly absent. She closed the door behind him and ushered him into her living room.
"So, um, what brings you by?"
"We um we . . . .we almost died today."
Cassandra nodded. "I know."
"There was a part of me that felt like I should have left."
She nodded again, biting her lip. "None of us would have blamed you. Part of me is upset that I didn't tell you to leave."
"I just couldn't, Cassie. And maybe I'm a horrible parent, but I couldn't leave you."
"Jacob . . . ."
"I held your hand. But it's been goin' through my head all night, what if we had died?"
"Max . . . ."
"Yes, but it was more than that. Josie knew the dangers of my old job, she knew she might be raisin' our boy alone some day. It's not Max, though I'd rather my son be buryin' me when I'm an old man. No, I just kept thinkin' what if we died today and I never told you I loved you."
Cassandra's eyes filled with tears. "Jacob, are you sure?"
"I am, darlin'. I can't do this anymore. I'm ready if you are. I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm Jacob Stone, I'm an art historian and a Librarian. Finally for the first time in my life, I'm being myself. There's only one me now and I love you."
She placed her hands in his. "I felt awful because of Max, but I was so glad you were there today. I held your hand and I realized I'm done being alone. I used to push people away because I was afraid of leaving them. But I'm not afraid any more. I want to live my life with you, no matter how long or short it is," she smiled up at him. "I love you too, Jacob."
Not quite sure what to do, they continued to smile at each other, holding each others' hands. Finally, Cassandra had enough and she tugged forward on his hands. She heard him laugh in the moment before his lips met hers. This kiss was like an explosion of joy, the colors of a sunset, pink and purple and red and orange, every color she'd ever associated with an emotion and with him. They dropped each other's hands as the kiss deepened, one of his cupping her cheek and bringing her in closer, the other finding its way to her hip. She moved both hands up to his shoulders, eventually sliding one up his neck and into his hair.
They finally had to break for air and he put both his hands on her waist, pulling her into a hug. Finally when their breaths evened out, he asked, "what now?"
"I don't know," she giggled. "Do we go out on a date? Are we in a relationship? What are we going to tell Max?"
He motioned toward her sofa and they sat together, his arm around her shoulders. "Max is gonna be over the moon."
Cassandra giggled again. "He's gonna ask when we're getting married again."
"Yeah," he tightened his arm around her shoulders. "I still don't know how I feel about that. I mean marriage itself. I wanna be with you, Cassie."
She nodded. "I know, I'm . . . I'm not sure how I feel about marriage either. But I want to be with you."
"Well," and he paused to give her a soft kiss. "Let's just take things one day at a time, okay?"
She nodded with a smile. "I'm absolutely fine with that."
They kissed again but Cassandra could sense something was on his mind. "What is it?"
He bit his lip and broke away from her. "Darlin', it's been bothering me for weeks now. Some of the things you said in Oklahoma . . . ."
"Oh," she closed her eyes in pain. "Jacob . . . ."
"We'll get to the first truth you had in a minute. You said you knew I thought you were sick. If I ever . . .if I ever treated you like an invalid, I am truly sorry. I know deep down you're sick but I never thought I treated you that way."
"You hovered so much in Peru, after Ezekiel left."
"Oh," he shook his head. "It wasn't because of that. I had . . .that night after Ezekiel left . . . I had horrible nightmares." He took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter the details. All that matters is that they were about you. And Cassandra, I already knew I was fallin' for you. So if I was clingy, it was because of that and not anything to do with your health."
Her arms were around his neck and her face pressed against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I had no idea. I . . .I thought you . . . .And of course, you wouldn't want to tell me something like that."
"No, it kinda . . .even tellin' ya right now is hard. I'm so sorry, sweetheart."
"It's okay, it's okay. Just let's tell each other things from now on, okay? We can do that now."
He nodded. "And you can tell me things, okay? No more keepin' things, okay?"
"Yeah . . .Jacob, I don't know any more if I'd go through with it. But it's not a date, you know?"
He nodded. "I kinda figured. More like how sick you'd let yourself get? I do understand. I don't . . .I don't know if I agree with it, but then I'm not livin' with what you are."
"It's exactly that. And you didn't need to apologize for making me say it. It's something I planned on telling you when we were ready to be together. It's just Jacob . . . I just need you to support me, no matter what I do."
Jacob was silent for a long time and Cassandra sniffled barely holding back the tears. Then he started speaking softly. "They kept sayin' that Librarians are like tissue. That Librarians die young. Flynn's only been there ten years and he's the longest to serve. You might not even get that option to chose. But . . .none of the other Librarians were like us. "
"No, they weren't." Cassandra wasn't sure where he was going with this.
"Basically what I'm tryin' to say, darlin', is ain't none of us know when our time is comin'. I hope that it's a long long time before I have to let you go. But I will if I have to. And it'll be like today, your hand in mine, okay?"
Cassandra burst into tears and Jacob was confused. What had he said? He pulled her into his arms, "why ya cryin'?"
"Because I love you so much. And that's all I want your hand in mine."
"Oh, hey, okay," he pulled her against his chest, rocking her back and forth. "No more of this, okay? It ain't happening tonight. We're happy, right? Finally together?"
She nodded against his chest, but he continue to hold her until her tears had subsided. He had a feeling she was crying out a lot of emotions, it had been a rocky road since Peru, longer ago if he was honest. From the day they met, they'd been on this path, even though there were times that seemed like it was impossible. But all of that was behind them. Challenges lay ahead, their lives were anything but dull, but they were together now.
Eventually when comfort had turned into cuddling, he kissed the top of head and then made the mistake of looking at the clock on her mantle. He groaned.
"What's wrong?" she asked, lifting her head from where she'd comfortably had it nestled against his chest.
"It's getting late and it's been a long day. I don't want to but we need to rest."
She shook her head, "stay, please."
"Darlin', don't you think it's too early for that?"
"It is. But I just . . . Jacob, I don't want you to go. I kinda . . ." she huffed, not quite sure how to put this, he was the poet, not her. She motioned between them. "It's like we're starting a new life, does that make sense?"
He nodded. He didn't really want to leave. It seemed as if now that they finally were together, the thought of even spending the night apart was unbearable. That was something they were going to have to work out, but tonight. . .tonight he could stay.
"I don't have to get Max until late . . . .Alright. Tell you what, let me go home and get some stuff, okay? Don't really wanna have to do a walk of shame until I have a reason to." He winked at her, which lightened the suddenly heavy mood.
He returned about forty minutes later, with a change of clothes, pajamas and food for breakfast the next morning. She smiled at his thoughtfulness and sent him through to her bathroom to change while she put away the food. She was standing rather awkwardly beside the bed when he came out.
"Hi," he said softly to her.
"Hi, um I tend to favor the right side of the bed. I mean if that's okay. I mean I sometimes end up in the middle or . . . ."
"Cassie . . . it's okay. I tend to go to the left side, so it's perfect, okay? Hey, I know this is weird."
She nodded as he crossed over to her, putting his hands on her waist and leaning forward to press a kiss against her forehead.
"It's just . . .I want you to stay tonight but it's actually been a long time since I shared a bed with anyone. And I feel like maybe this is special and I don't know."
"It is special but it's just the first night, okay? We'll have lots of nights together, God willin'. We're both tired, let's just get into bed, alright?"
She agreed and turned on her bedside lamp while directing him to turn off the overhead light. After some minor awkwardness in arrangements, they were finally curled up together under the covers. They shared a gentle kiss and then Cassandra moved to turn off the lamp, but she was stopped by a touch on her elbow from Jacob.
"What's up?"
"I'm sorry, I should . . .maybe we should talk about it in the morning."
"About what?"
"It's another thing from Oklahoma."
"Okay?"
"Well, Jones was really weirded out by some of the things you said. And he didn't share all of them, but he told me that you said you hated babies? " Jacob looked confused. "Which makes no sense to me because you appear to love children. My child especially, but you still volunteer with the kids in the program."
"Oh," Cassandra was surprised this came up, but she figured discussing this issue right away might be a good one. She sat against the headboard and he followed suit, their shoulders touching. "I do love children. I do. But I hate babies. And I can't quite tell you why. But once they can talk and walk and go to the bathroom by themselves, I'm fine. I just, babies are so . . . . They can't communicate what they want and they cry and throw up and they're so dependent and I just . . . ."
"Okay, I suppose I can see that . . . ."
"You're gonna ask, aren't you? I mean, maybe if I had a child, I'd be able to get past the whole baby thing, knowing that they're gonna turn into someone like Max in a few years. But I think you probably realize that I can't . . .well rather I shouldn't have children."
"Yeah," Jacob said softly. She hadn't looked at him when she was speaking and she hazarded a glance now. He was looking off into the distance. "When Jones was accusing you of being Max's mother, your tumor was the first thing I thought of. "
"Is that going to be an issue?"
This time he did look at her. "I never expected I'd even have the one child I do. And I will admit there was a period when Josie was pregnant that we were both kinda happy, we'd both had shit childhoods and we had all these plans to give our kid the world. And when things were good with Josie, well they were really good and I had thoughts in my head about having a houseful of babies. But when I realized that there would be no happy home . . .and we even thought once about having another one to try to save things but we came to our senses. Anyway . . .I long ago came to terms with Max being an only child, at least from my side. It's okay, sweetheart."
"I'm sorry, Jacob."
"No, don't . . .don't. I love you. And you love my son. We'll be a family, the three of us. All I want is that. I promise. I'm a happy man."
"I do love him. I love both of you. And I like that idea of us being a family. I wouldn't even mind if he does call me Mommy."
Jacob grinned at her and slid back down the headboard, nodding toward the light. She clicked it off and settled into his arms in the dark. She rested her head on his chest, the only sound now their heartbeats and breaths. For a while, his hand idly stroked down her hair and on to her shoulder, but his hand stilled and his breathing and heartbeat indicated he'd fallen asleep. Cassandra thought about rolling over, she'd never been one to sleep in the arms of a lover, usually rolling away after they'd fallen asleep.
But she was so comfortable right there, his one arm still loosely over her, her head resting against his soft tee-shirt, his heartbeat comforting under her ear. She was where she was supposed to be tonight. She and Jacob Stone. He was who he'd always been meant to be. And she was finally living her life instead of going through the motions. The sometimes impossible to get through paths of each of their lives had lead to this moment: the first night of the rest of their lives.
She smiled and pressed a kiss against his chest and let herself fall asleep in his arms.
