Chapter 6: Just Like Heaven
They met on Wednesday at a coffee shop in Yorkshire, far away from prying eyes. He was on leave, even if she wasn't, so it wouldn't appear odd for him to be in Yorkshire. She loved it there, old cobblestone streets and buildings from the 1600s still proudly featured on main streets. Her stomach had been in knots since she'd sent her reply, desperate to know exactly why he wanted to meet, though she hoped against hope that it meant he had feelings for her as well, even if it wasn't perfect timing.
"Hello, there." She said cheerily as they walked into the shop. He looked so different in his muggle clothes. They sat in a corner, the waitress taking their simple order before scurrying away. Quickly, the knot unraveled and she felt a sudden spotlight on her, when he finally met her eye, she felt suddenly quite sad.
"So…" She tried to break the silence, but the waitress came over as soon as she said the simple word. He sipped his coffee after stirring it approximately twenty times. The spotlight was growing ever brighter.
"I've decided to transfer." His words were flat, almost no emotion. She was shocked, hadn't she just said the same thing a couple nights before, but coming from him, those words wounded her. Professionalism was immediately gone.
"Why?" Her heart was racing, had she muddled things up so badly he no longer wanted to work around her? Rationality tried to take hold, but her emotions were boundless.
"Isn't it obvious?" His hand met hers, the same spark she'd felt before was so effortlessly there, his face pleading with hers to accept his decision. But for Hermione, sans her children returning home for the summer, she looked forward to her time with Snape, even if it was rare and sporadic. She hadn't known how much she wanted that time until he held her, until things were out in the open, sort of. Taking her hand back, she stirred her coffee, adding more cream than normal...perhaps she should've had water or tonic instead. Her mind race as did her heart, thumping so hard against her chest she could barely breath. This was not the conversation she was expecting, though she should've known it was coming. Snape was closed off, he didn't want the liability of someone in his life who could get hurt or he could lose, she surmised.
"Would you like another?" The waitress broke the silence as Hermione's glass emptied.
"Yes, please." He waited patiently as she collected her thoughts, the weight of this conversation was obvious on her face. He could literally see the wheels turning, her frown apparent throughout.
"Thank you." She told the waitress as she came back, filling her coffee to the brim. More sugar and two creams, it spilled slightly as she stirred, but she wasn't hyper aware.
"But…"she trailed off, still thinking, still processing that she might never see him again besides an occasional meeting of staff at the Ministry or reunions at Hogwarts. It broke her heart and as though on cue, her mind reminded her that that meant she'd never receive his codes, someone else would be his watcher, his handler, someone else would have to keep him alive. Before she could say anything else, she excused herself and went to the loo, spilling her coffee slightly as she did. It was too much. To admit to herself, after all this time, that she longed her something more with him, to have finally gotten help for her visions and nightmares, to have felt so happy for the first time since she was nineteen years old, and for it to be gone in seconds, that hopefulness, it was just too much.
"Granger?" She heard him call from the door, but she wasn't ready to talk yet. He could have no idea how far her fantasies had gone since India.
Like an epiphany, she decided it didn't matter if Snape and she were not going to work together anymore, she was still leaving Ron. Being alone was better than being with Ron and finally admitting that lifted a weight. It couldn't be about Severus, because he was not a constant, he was a joyous delusion.
"Granger, please." She opened the door, refusing to make a scene, she walked back to the table and sat. Resolved, she felt much better, though embarrassed; she hadn't been caught this off-guard in years.
"Where are you thinking of transferring?" She asked, drinking more of her coffee, rationality and professionalism returning finally.
"St. Mungos, working with a healer and training. My background as a potions master gives me an advantage and I don't have to worry about dying so often." Still little emotion in his voice, but a slight cheerfulness of his own sounded on the last words. That had been her exact thought three nights ago as well.
"That makes sense." Tersely, she replied, trying to keep her own feelings to herself, trying desperately to keep her face emotionless. But her large, maple eyes couldn't hide her feelings from Snape, who had stared into them so often that he could read her without really trying.
"That way, you can do your job without question." Her eyes snapped to his, as though she would ever compromise her job for emotions.
"I would never...If I had to, I could…I am a professional and I can always do my job without reproach. If I had to, I could..." But she couldn't finish those statements, trying hard to make herself believe them. Could she continue sending him on dangerous missions or even allow him to die during her watch? She took another huge gulp of coffee and picked at her straw stirrer, wondering how it was that he'd planned everything out in such a small amount of time; of course he had already followed her train of thought.
"I've been thinking about this for months, between the last few missions and current events, it appears that the transition would be easier in my case. Shacklebolt will still turn to me for certain people, I am sure, but I'm ready to hang up my boots, so to speak."
"But you haven't said anything, I had no idea."
"And I had no idea you returned my affections." He whispered, finally admitting aloud the real crux of the situation. Her mind instantly filled with leaving Ron the thought that had plagued her for years, having to tell everyone that she was infatuated with her former teacher.
"If you believe we can no longer work together, I support your decision…"
"But?" At this, she was stumped. She didn't know what she wanted to say.
"Have you told Shacklebolt anything?" Trying to change the direction of the conversation, she made a mental list of who would replace Snape on the task force, maybe Harry.
"No, I wanted to talk to you first, since this affects you more than he. Should I have let Kingsley tell you in a memo?" His nasty side reared it's ugly head, sensing the tone in her voice turning sour as well. It was obvious he was having none of her petulant behavior. She hadn't imagined when she left her home that she and Snape would be talking about never seeing each other again.
"You really think that?" He asked, jolting her from thought. His legilimency had caught her off guard.
"What?"
"That we will never see each other again?" He took both of her hands in his, his face softened, as though he were sleeping. It was rare to see him so calm.
"Yes, why would we? You'll be in training and I'll be in the field, we won't cross paths at the Ministry and you rarely go to the reunions at Hogwarts, when would we see each other? You'll have no reason to write and I'll have no reason to respond." Hermione answered, almost bitter. 'Alone is better than Ron...Alone is better than Ron', she repeated over and over in her mind, making sure he couldn't peak this time. This felt like defeat, both of her marriage and something that had the potential to be so much more.
"You'd really never write me again?" He asked, his thumbs going over her knuckles, making it hard for her to stay miffed with him
"What would I write you? I miss you telling me how silly I am or asking me how much Seamus blundered a job. Or even better, how bored I am having no one to constantly correct me, even when I am more often correct?" He could see she was upset, but still wasn't seeing the bigger picture. It hadn't dawned on her for a second that what he was doing meant they would be able to be with each other, to write or have coffee as much as they liked and their jobs would never be in danger for nepotism.
"Well, my life will be as dull as it was sans my death in 1998." He tried to joke, but she didn't even crack the smallest smile.
"It means there will be no reason for me to keep up with you and that doesn't seem like such a great ending for me." Hermione finally admonished, feeling annoyed and sad.
"Why would that be? Are you planning to be in the field 365 days a year, holidays and all? And why wouldn't you write me when you're in the field, will I be dead?"
"You know what I mean..."She pushed herself away; it was obvious he couldn't get through to her.
"I will not pursue you if you are against this, Hermione." Her name, he actually said her name.
"I am not against it...I just…"Catching her hands again before they could be folded, he kissed her left hand, meeting her eye as he did so, melting her heart.
"My transfering doesn't mean the end of anything, you know. It means we will be above reproach. I will write you everyday if it means you'll be convinced of my intentions." Then, it finally sunk in. He wasn't saying goodbye, he was falling on his sword so they could perhaps see where this was going.
"You don't want to say goodbye today?"
"For someone so intelligent, you can be awfully one dimensional sometimes, Hermione." He was literally holding her hands, in a coffee shop when he knew she preferred coffee to tea, and giving her an option she hadn't thought about at all.
"But, Ron...I can't be a mistress."
"I would never ask that of you and I would not want it that way."
"And my children, they are still so young, do you even like children?" Her pause made him raise his stern brow.
"Second thoughts?" He joked, " I'm not asking you to marry me. And yes, your children are tolerable, although Rose is nothing like you. And you know Albus Potter isn't so bad as a namesake." His words made her laugh, a deep laugh, one she desperately needed.
"Good." This time, she took her hands back and folded them against her chest, an infectious smile covering her entire face.
"You surprise me, so often. Shacklebolt is going to hate this."
"I don't give a fig what he likes or dislikes, this isn't about him."
"I can't betray Ron, I guess I already have and I have to admit that, but I won't any further. Until we divorce, I can't do this again."
"Propriety is your middle name." Snape put his money on the table and motioned for her to follow him. They walked a couple feet to a bookstore and leading her through the door with his hand at her lower back, she felt the relief of stress melt away. Surrounded by books, they talked about what he might specialize in and who could possibly be his replacement for the task force. They spent another three hours together before Hermione needed to get to the Ministry for paperwork and Snape to tell Kingsley Shacklebolt he was resigning. She held his arm as they disapparated in a tree-filled glen and let go as soon as they entered the Ministry. The hard part was still to come, to tell Ron she wanted a divorce and to convince herself it was the best thing, that it had nothing to do with Snape and that Snape would not be part of the dissolution of her marriage. If she had to keep her distance, she would. She told Snape as much in her first coded letter, making sure he understood that the distance was not because she didn't want to see him, but that she needed to do the right thing. The right thing was giving her husband space and time to understand her and to see how right she was.
